Entire story merged

Sorry 4 such a long question.. my girlfriend of 5months recently told me that last year on new years eve she got drunk and made out with her best friend (guy) that night. She says she was depressed after a breakup she had 8 months prior to that and drinking made her relive her depression and she made out with her best friend as she couldn't think straight. She went topless with him but didn't have sex. In the morning both realised what had happened and he asked her if they should start dating after what happened. She refused as she never saw him that way. And they still continue to be best friends.
My question is.. she was intoxicated and made out with that guy.. he didn't refuse her or stop her as he was drunk as well she says.. isnt it date rape if a guy has sexual contact with a woman when she is drunk and would have not done what she did with the guy if she wasn't under the influence of drinks?
Also.. I have started feeling very weird about her past after she told me about this as they are still best friends.. we live and a very conservative society and any girl having many sexual partners or one night stands gets termed as a slut.. or easy or loose girl.. I don't know what to do.. can't get images of her and that guy out of my head.. by the way, she has had 5 sexual partners before me.. 3 that she went topless with.. and 2 who she had sex with.. we are 22 yrs old.. I have a past as well and I'm not bothered about what she did with her boyfriends.. but this one night stand really bothers me... I'm not good friends with any of my exes as she is.. acquintances maybe.. and it makes me feel weird as well.. sometimes I feel I am jealous of the guys of her past as they got her so easily.. (ie.. one night.. or one week of dating.. etc).. I do love her a lot.. bt don't know what to do about this feeling.. please help.. I'm not insecure in any way and I trust her that she will never leave me..

Pboy,

Good lord, we are talking about a situation that occurred before you were even going out with her. They didn't even have sex. She seems to have had control over situation, she said "no" to anymore then making out. Wow, are you really so desperate to hate this guy, that you would even think that this was a "Date rape" situation. This is a good example of how people can get falsely accused of a crime that they didn't commit.

If you cannot live with knowing your girlfriend isn't a virgin, and has been with BY CHOICE other men, then you need to move on. Your past relationships, are just that PAST, and that means no one including new partner has the right to be judge and jury.

If you don't get over this jealousy, and just let it continue to eat away at you, it will ruin your relationship with this lady. Now at 22yros I would hope that the 3 so called people she just went topless wouldn't be considered FULL SEX partners. I would just consider them 3 people she happened to have made out with. Do you really consider the girls you have made out with, even if you got their tops off someone you had SEX with.

It's easy to judge when you can't empathize, am I right in assuming she has a longer sexual resume than you?

In my opinion, you're in a better position dating a girl who has had multiple one-night stands versus one who didn't. She already knows what they're like, so curiosity won't get the best of her and she can appreciate a real relationship that much more.

You'll learn that sexual history is really irrelevant. and not to ask about it in case something like this happens.

So, just don't think about, don't ask about it, and try to forget about it and move on.

Thanks for replying.. I know she isn't a virgin.. n that isn't a problem.. she was sexually active since 17.. n had 5 partners before me.(kissed many others). Made out with 5.. As in 3 topless.. n 2 sex.. I was sexually active after I turned 21.. had 5 partners.. 4 sex and 1 make out (not topless though).. its not that issue..
It's the one night with her best friend who she considered a platonic friend , if she was drunk and depressed.. why couldn't that guy stop her if even he considered her such a great friend.. he got an opportunity and pounced... n then next morning both act as if nothing happened.. n r now still best friends.. n her constant contact with her exes that bothers me.. like even when we are togthr.. she would reply their texts.. etc..
I mean.. I liked all my exes and had a certain emotional connect with them.. but she usually was into it for experimentation because.. 'everyone around her was doing it' n was just in one proper relationship.. n when the guy dumped her she was depressed and had her depressed make outs like that one night and a rebound before it.. so excpt for one guy who she loved.. othrs were casual flings for her for few weeks.. even this isn't a problem with me..
Its just that one night stand that I hv a problem with.. how could she get phsyical with sum1 who she didn't even feel attracted to.. was platonic.. n suddenly that night both get drunk.. n both end up making out topless..

You are WAY to hung up on her past. Now do you really think she would have any contact with someone that tried to date rape her. This guy didn't pounce, if he did it would have been full blown sex and she wouldn't have him as her BEST FRIEND afterwards. She would have wanted him as far away from her as possible.
My opinion is that you are making too much out of it, but its always easier to feel that way when your not involved. We have all done something that we are ashamed of in our life time. Either get over it, and enjoy your relationship with this lady, or move on.

[the issue is] the one night with her best friend who she considered jus a platonic friend. . .
You're overreacting, that's not a one-night stand. It's kissing (topless big deal). She just broke-up with her boyfriend and, add insult to injury, it New Years Eve where people are supposed to kiss. Being the intelligent guy that I am, I figured out that she made out with her best friend because she was lonely and he had the only available pair of lips she could trust.


how could she get phsyical with sum1 who she didnt even feel attracted to.

You actually answered this question in your original post and I broke it down for you above. Unless you really didn't like any of the ex-girlfirneds you dated, you should know what that feels like.

Let it go.

At slapshot.. you are right.. thtswht she told me.. that she was all alone on new years... didn't want to stay home reading a book ,she had many party invitations , but she chose to go here because it was an old friend who was throwing the bash.. and she drinks in company she trust.. (wht trust.. he made out with her.. :P.) anyway.. she got depressed and then ended up making out with him that night and went topless.. she says he was too drunk as well.. but.. he could have stopped her if he wantd to I feel.. he had some attraction towards her or somethng. She says next morning he asked her if they should date or nythng ftr what happened... she was depressed.. anyone around would do.. so she went with the host... by the way, her breakup was 8months before this.. n she was still not over it? Does depression make people do such drastic things? Really?

At answerme.. she isn't ashamed of anythng.. doesn't regret anythng.. instead feels it was awesome.. n usd to brag about her past when we had initially met..

I won't even get into this one. I agree with both answerme and slapshot.

Also, what's your fetish on being topless or not when someone kisses. It's just boobs?

. . . anyway.. she got depressed and then ended up making out with him tht night n went topless.. she says he ws too drunk as well.. but.. he could have stopped her if he wantd to i feel.. he had some attraction towards her or somethng. she says next morning he asked her if they shud date or nythng ftr wht happened... she ws jus depressed.. anyone around wud do.. so she went with the host... btw, her breakup ws 8months b4 this.. n she ws still not over it? does depression make ppl do such drastic things?? really?
Lol.. . At this point I just have to laugh. There's no indication of moving forward, you're repeating yourself, except your spelling is way off this time around (posting from a cellphone?). You clearly don't want to get over this.

I don't know what to tell you dude. The options are pretty simple: get over it per my suggestions in my first post, or leave her for someone who has a more acceptable sexual history.

I think you need to leave this girl alone before you make her feel bad about herself. This problem is yours.

He was drunk too, it didn't go anywhere and they know each other well enough to know it was just a drunk one night thing.
If this bothers you this much, this girl is not the one for you.

Well.. I really do want to get over this.. I really do.. I just don't know how to.. I mean.. what do I do? She is perfect for me on all counts.. she doesn't mind me flirting with other girls.. doesn't even mind me dating any other girl.. doesn't get insecure.. no jealousy.. nothing.. hell.. she doesn't even have a problem if I go screw sum other chick... as long as she knows I'll be coming back to her.. and am emotionally hers.. is a homely caring girl but also very wild in bed.. I mean.. just perfect.. n we both really love each other.. I really want to make things work.. . going topless and things isn't a big deal for her as well..
But the community we live in.. Looks at such girls very low.. even premarital sex is like a taboo still in many parts of my country.. even kissing a guy is like a 'woah' for many people.. n going topless wouldn't just mean that.. it would mean complete fondling and kissing etc.etc.. It just makes me jealous that others got her drunk and got her that easily... her ex dumped her for another girl as he couldn't handle her fast life and even in bed.. for another lesser girl. Who was comparatively slower.. n was a virgin.. so he dumped this girl for a virgin... n she was devastated as she was in love with him then and went into depression as nothing went right for her even professionally( she was kind of suicidal at first she says.. then she went into her rebound)... so she did all this in her depression.. otherwise she isn't the type who would do this.. depression made her do this and get so easy for that guy. That's why its weird for me and I need advise on how to overcome it..

At homegirl.. I know I have kind of made her feel bad about it sometimes.. as I just cut off when she talks about that guy.. and she does know I have a problem about it.. we have very good communication between us.. but she doesn't know what to do to make me feel OK.. as it has already happened.. and can't be changed.. but that guy is a complete playboy.. bedding a new girl almost every few days.. and mostly into girls just for the sex bit.. its just weird he didn't leave even his best friend and had to add her in his 'list'...

she is perfect for me on all counts.. she doesnt mind me flirting with other girls.. doesnt even mind me dating any other girl.. doesnt get insecure.. no jealousy.. nothing.. hell.. she doesnt even have a problem if i go screw sum other chick... as long as she knows i'll b coming back to her..and am emotionally hers.. is a homely caring girl but also very wild in bed.. i mean..just perfect.. n we both really love each other.. i really want to make things work.. .. going topless and things isnt a big deal for her as well. . . but the community we live in.. looks at such girls very low.. even premarital sex is like a taboo still in many parts of my country.. even kissing a guy is like a 'woah' for many people.. n going topless wouldnt just mean that.. it would mean complete fondling n kissing etc.etc.. it just makes me jealous that others got her drunk n got her that easily....
Let me get this straight.. . You can put your "perfect girlfriend" aside, compartmentalize your feelings for her whilst taking some other broad out to dinner with the intention of sleeping with her that night, and this is a-okay.. . But you're throwing a fit because, before you two were dating, she made with a good friend of hers she on New Years 2010?

Figure it out on you're on your own pal. I ain't supporting this garbage.

No no.. I have never done that.. I'm just saying that she is THAt open to it.. I don't believe in multiple dating.. I love her.. n want her.. that's all... don't get me wrong..

Pboy,

Bottom line is ---its up to you. We have given our opinions based on what we would do,feel,experienced in our lives. You might want to take the time to read some of the other post on this site. How people are going through tremendous heart break because they have no one. You have a young lady that you say you love and want to be with. You better get your priorities straight or we will be seeing you back on this site wondering how you loss this girl. Acceptance is a huge part of real love and you are lacking in that dept right now.

Thanks.will surely try and work on that bit. I know I hv had my share of past sex .n had this been any other guy I wouldn't bother.. the fact that its her bestfrnd creeps me. By the way, could it be possible that SHE used him to get out of her loneliness then?

If your girl friend didn't have sex with this guy what is your problem? He didn't have sex with her, he may have been drunk but he didn't cross the line with her.
If you care so much about what other people think of her, leave her alone. She does not need to be made to feel guilty about what she did with her best friend before she was even dating you.

I think you are to caught up into what everyone else thinks for your own good. Let society do what it does, and you get over yourself by being grateful for having a great partner, and do nothing to mess it up. What goes on in your own head is your problem to deal with, not hers and not fair for you to make it her problem.

I have never given a rats patoot on what the females that I dated did before me, nor their drunken escapades, of their youth, and I highly suggest you do the same, because judging people on what the did as KIDS just ain't the true picture of what they are TODAY.

What may be wrong by one persons standard may not be wrong by another so work on what's common to you both and leave the rest of the BS alone. This is all about the fear of not meeting your standards, and seeing the negatives, and not listening to the whole tapes that have both positive, and negatives because just think, didn't you put all your exes in a negative light according to society? You had sex without marriage and what's the difference between your feelings for them, and your actions that makes it okay, but hers actions that were not okay. That's BS, and hypocrisy.

Judge yourself as harshly as you judge her, and maybe you can cope better with those images that your prejudices have conjured in your head.

well ..i really do want to get over this.. i really do.. i just dont know how to.. i mean.. what do i do? she is perfect for me on all counts.. she doesnt mind me flirting with other girls.. doesnt even mind me dating any other girl.. doesnt get insecure.. no jealousy.. nothing.. hell.. she doesnt even have a problem if i go screw sum other chick...

What the hell? I hope you're referring to if you guys broke up she would allow this stuff. You need to get over it plain and simple.

My wife and I have each had our fair share (fair share is an understatement) of sexual encounters before meeting each other. Many drunk times as well. I don't get pissed at those guys or at her, because I expect her not to do the same to me or the girls I was with. Regardless of what I/she thinks of the other person.

The past is the past. Forget the past and live the present, if you can't forget the past then forget the present because she'll be gone!

What the hell?! I hope you're referring to if you guys broke up she would allow this stuff.

@ IT student.. No.. She wouldn't mind that even if now.. when I'm with her.. but I don't want to do such things.. or would ever do such things.. for her physical intimacy isn't a big deal.. thts why she wouldn't making out or kissing or anything just anyone.. but emotional bonding is very important to her..
I am trying my best to forget her past.. but its not that easy as she keeps talking about that guy.. or that guy constantly keeps messaging and calling her up even when we are togthr.. or writing on her wall on Facebook.. so it just pisses me off as it feel she is getting in the way..

@talaniman.. I know I have had my share.. n I have never judged her what she did as a kid.. since she was 17-18.. had sex, made out with her then flings just to experiment and try how it feels... even though I always waited to find someone I loved and didn't just do it with anyone , I'm not bothered about that.. it just makes me feel weird that she had a one nightstand with someone who she considered a platonic friend.. no emotional bonding other than friendship.. no physical attraction to him.. nothing.. tin depression she made out.. thts why its weird.. I will get over it.. but the process is going very slow.. thts why I needed suggestions as to How I could get over it soon..

OH, sorry my misunderstanding, your looking for a short cut to feel better. There are none, but I think if you were not so distracted by the deed, and seeing things through your own morality, you could see facts, and not just YOUR feelings.

Fact is you have to empathize with HER situation. Obviously you have never been at a place where need overpowers common sense. Especially when inhibitions are lowered by ALCOHOL.

You also presume wrongly that platonic friends have no feelings for each other. That's never true, as most good friends have very strong, and intense feelings of love, and loyalty, and a deep caring. So they got drunk, and crossed a line, they stopped before it got to far, and then they would have really regretted it. All they did was make out, what's the big deal.

Another fact you ignore when we feel bad about ourselves, or our situation, is that it can be so bad that we want something to make us feel better. Some fall in a bottle, others fall into the arms of any that will accept them.

You want to get over this, then tell her that talking in details of her past flips you out, and never ask her of it again.

Most of all, to move on, stop thinking of her actions as being wrong. That's what you are really hung up on, You think she was wrong, but the real truth is she made a mistake, learned and don't repeat it. Have you never made a mistake? Did you learn from it? Did you repeat it? If so, give her the same consideration as you gave yourself, and stop dwelling on it. That would be a mistake. Dwelling on her mistake.

As for the images in your head, cope with them. Your thoughts are for you to control from within, so practice pushing them aside and they will fade. Sorry guy there are no shortcuts or magic pill, just keep working at it and don't expect instant results, and you won't get frustrated with your lack of great progress.

Hey talaniman.. thanks 4 writing it so nicely.. well.. I know all they did was making out.. but in my country.. even kissing is a big deal.. being nude in front of someone a much bigger deal.. there are people who exist in my society who do not marry girls that are not virgin.. I know it's a ****ty thing. But the society here is Male dominant.. guys screw around.. bt if a girl does it.. she is an outcast and no one wants to marry her..
About her situation.. she was dumped in April 09.. had her rebound and in a about of depression made out with him once.. again going topless with him.. but then never after that.. and told him she couldn't give him a chance as she wasn't over the ex. And is still friends with that guy.. who was 14 yrs older to her..
I don't have anything with this guy.. but it just pisses me off to see him message her almost every time we are together.. because the very first time that she and me were together and making out.. she would occasionally move back and reply this guys texts and then get back to me.. I wasn't upset then.. but later was hurt that though she was physically there with me she was messaging a guy from her past who a she had physical relations with. She apologised about this when I told her that it did hurt me but the reason she gave was crap.. saying that she was doing that as she thought I was playing with her and she started liking me so didn't want to have an emotional bond with me as it would just hurt again so she kept getting back and distracted herself. Weird that I was the only guy in her life that she did this to.
I never asked about her past.. I wasn't Ever bothered about knowing anything about it.. she used to say it to me herself.. her escapades.. her first kiss.. with who.. how she made out and went topless the very first time... her first sex.. with who.. why.. because her friends were doing it so even she wanted to try it.. her constant relationship for almost 2 years.. how the guy wasn't that good in bed.. the sex positions she has tried with him.. then the guy.. who said he always loved her.. dumped her.. as she wasn't virgin when she met him and he wanted to marry a virgin girl and found himself a virgin.. she then went to that 35 yr old guy.. he was her rebound.. she was depressed one day and made out with him.. that guy is her fathers student and regular drinking partner with her father( she stays with parents).. n then that she got drunk on new years eve.. she was all lonely and depressed and made out with that guy.. (sometimes it does make me jealous as he was such a lucky dog that he got a girl on new years that he didn't even think about making out).. n then how they continued being friends.. ALL these details were given by her to me.. over the months that we dated.. without me ever asking for any of these details.. I don't know why it was important for me to know..
She would keep saying that the new years night make out was Awesome and fantastic.. but once during our conversation she admitted not remembering much of what happened.. her other guy friends now hit on her whenever she is drunk and tell her.. if you could do it with that guy why not with me etc.. I mean.. they think this of her.. it just hurts me..
And then when we first had sex it pained her as hell because she hadn't done it for almost 1.5yrs.. n then some days later she told me that we need to work on our sex as its not great.. we spoke on this and she kind of has trust issues.. she says she would perform much better in a one night stand.. or with a stranger than with someone who she is emotionally bonded with as she screws up , gets conscious and can't let go completely with the person she loves as she has certain trust issues... she never opened up with anyone before.. except me.. not even her ex boyfrnd of 2 yrs and has never felt an orgasm with him.. she says she did once with the first guy but that was by accident as she didn't know she was going to orgasm or she would have held back and has always been holding back ever since.
All this about her past.. I didn't need to know.. but.. she told me.. I appreciate her telling me.. but seriously.. girls.. don't give out so many details.. please.. it screws up the mind as no guy wants to imagine what his girl did elsewhere.. before... and the problem here is that she is still close friends with each one of those guys.. if it was the past.. why not let those guys go their own way..

Tell her you don't want to hear about all of her escapades. I don't think you two are right for each other and it may be best to let her go.

Comment on Homegirl 50's post

I did.. and since that day it has stopped.. why do you feel we are not right for each other? Other than this one issue.. we sometimes feel we are soulmates. That deep bondng.. thats why I want to get this stuff out of me as well..

Whenever I am With her.. when we meet.. I can never get upset or angry or hurt by anything that she says.. it just can't happen.. its just when we aren't together my mind works weird. We stay in different cities and she comes down to meet me when free.

Thanks guy for more facts, but I will not comment on the society you were raised in, while I think you are a product of that society, it would be unfair to judge you for it. It is an obstacle to personal growth and individual understanding, but that's something you have to deal with.

I can only add that you should never fear the competition, or what you think is the competition. Insecurity and fear are but distractions from getting the facts, by paying attention to your partner, and learning her ways on a deeper level. That's how you get to trust her loyalty, and know her true character, and know how to love her mind.

When you can overcome that fear, your queen will follow her king to better things and let go of all else. Now that doesn't mean she will not get along, and be friends with exes, it means you will not be threatened by them. A man leads by the example of his actions, and deeds, and has NO NEED to urge others to follow through fear, intimidation, or force. They will do so willingly.

It doesn't matter the rules and concepts of others. You have to choose the path you take, and weather the storms of life for any one to be comfortable enough to follow. There is nothing wrong with having fears of that unknown tomorrow, as long as you don't let it stop your journey, or regret taking that chance that the journey was worth it.

Don't let society give you the excuse of not pursuing your own life, and taking your own risks.

You are very insecure and I don't think deep down you trust her or feel she is "up to standards" That is not fair to her. Coupled with the fact you two live in different cities and spend time away from each other, it does not help the situation which is why you are having the feelings you're having now.

I completely trust her.. and there isn't any insecurity issue at all.. I know for a fact that she won't leave me for her exes or for any other guy because I have full faith in our love.. the problem is.. that she was naïve.. very simple.. and sometimes I feel that the guys used her depression situation to be physical with her. This is all that I'm saying. If she was best friends with her ex boyfriend I wouldn't have been worried because both loved each other. But these flings she got into.. made out.. when she was experimenting or depressed just makes me feel as if the guys took advantage of her situation. That's why it makes me feel weird. I know for a fact that she would never go away from me.. even though we are in a long distance relationship. Its just uncomfortable for me to see her around those guys who instead of helping her out when she was depressed got physical with her as she wasn't in her right frame of mind and didn't mind some physical intimacy to raise her spirits and make her feel wanted again.
I won't let society live my life. I have decided that.. and called her up today and told her that I really love her and wish to be with her for very long. I have realised.. morals are made in our mind and those morals make us judge people as wrong doers.. who don't live by Our morals..

Comment on talaniman's post

I don't think there is any competition. What would I compete for.. I already have her..

Good, then eventually all the images fade, and the distance will be dealt with by you both.

Thanks.. :).. I am trying my best to change. The images won't go, but I'm changing my whole thinking process about physical intimacy, which I used to think should only be linked to love, and without it was wrong.. my 'morals'.. :P.

Well your last post has pretty much put everything into perspective.

You two have different 'moral' standards. You can't cope with her standards obviously. i.e. having physical intimacy with someone she wasn't in love with.

Im sure your not going to change your morals standard for her so why continue this?

well I am trying to change my morals for her.
but its just a bit tough. Especially with all the details given to me.. where she made out.. with who all she went topless... who she made out with.. what emotions were running in her mind when she made out with those guys... everything.
I mean.. even if you say.. u liked a person.. were attracted.. lust.. infatuation.. crush.. any of these emotions and then made out.. it was still understandable.. its just hard to accept that a girl makes out with a random guys because she was in depression.. on 2 different occasions, places and different guys. Just because of depression? Wow.
I am trying to get over it slowly.. but.. the process is a bit too slow. And I am changing my morals and thought process and values for her.

wow.. she just told me that all the guy who she said she had just made out with and gone topless with.. she has had Oral sex with them.. she always lied to me that she hadnt ever gone oral with them but today she blurted it out..Wow.. this feels horrible.. that i can't take the makeout and then i find out about her going oral with all of them and then she doesnt remember what more happened when she was drunk on new years.. wow.. i was trying my best to get over the makeout bit and this new level has me cringe inside..

My girlfriend, always told me that she had made out with different guys going topless and jacking the guy off and had sex with just 2 guys. . Recently after 5 months she tells me that she had gone oral sex with all of the guys that she was with ater her ex and did it all only because she was depressd. She was drunk and told me that she had made out with her best friend .but today told me that she doesn't remember exact details but she thinks she had done more.. like oral or something. This has really disgusted me as I had finally got over the fact that she had made out with those guys.. just kissing and topless but this is a new level to it.. Also.. I stay in a country where pre-marital sex is looked down upon.. I was fine with the guys that she was with in complete consciousness.. but when she doesn't remember what she did is just a disgusting thought. Feels she was used by her friend. How to I deal with my girlfriends past? I wanted to marry her.. but now I'm not even sure if I want to be with her anymore..

There is no need to start more threads about the same things so your post were merged.

With all the new information we know that this is a long distance relationship, of 5 months and you just keep finding out new things about her past that you just can't handle for whatever reason.

To be honest, I seriously doubt that she calls you up, and gives you new details about her past sex life. I think you keep digging and digging for every little detail, and freaking out with every disclosure. No matter how much you love someone if you can't accept and handle them for who they are, then you need to leave and stop all this drama.

I mean who talks about past sex ALL the time? You have been going out for 5 freaking months and you both are finding things out about each other, and that's normal, but if after 5 months the negatives outweigh the positive, then you have a decision to make about how YOU handle things, and if indeed, thoughts of a future are realistic. So far, marriage is a stretch, and just idle talk, sounds good, but has no basis in fact.

My friend, her past will not change and it seems neither will your attitude, and I seriously doubt if you change the morals you have been taught for this female without changing who you are. Forget marriage, because you are so caught up in her past to even see if she would be a good wife and mother, so I don't see you getting past this anytime soon, because its to big of a deal to you.

So how long is this distance thing going to last, and why is there a distance thing so early in the relationship anyway??

well.. we met at a party in my city and hit off, started facebooking, flirting , texts the next day onwards and would meet when she would come down.. we message and talk on the phone regularly.
and no.. I have NEVER asked about her past.. she keeps 'confessing' them and that too at the worst times.. like when we are having a very intimate conversation or are very close, etc. she just says she felt close and connected and so said it then.. and says it because she doesn't want to hide it from me.. but she keeps telling me half truths.. and months later the complete thing comes out..
Anyway, she would always just tell me that she had just madeout with all those guys (her first guy who was just a trial to check if she was straight, rebound and one night thing with best friend) for the past 4 months and I seriously promise you.. today I wanted to be back with her. I had gotten over everything.. I wanted her.. as I appreciated her telling m the truth and that it was just making out topless.. not anything more...
but today as we were talking she blurted out that she had done oral with them. I was taken aback.. and asked her why she lied to me before.. then she says she didn't.. she had told me before.. but I clearly remember she hadn't.. then she says.. she went oral with her rebound but isn't sure if she did with the one nightstand as she was too drunk to remember anything but she thinks that maybe she did but doesn't think she had sex... this just freaked me out.. she doesn't remember and says if it was any random guy she would have still done that as she was lonely.
I used to believe that sex is only due to love.. but I am changing my whole thinking process for her.. but the one night stand just freaks me out.. Any guy would have done.. that's disgusting.. and.. it also makes me kind of jealous that she went oral with all these guys in the first instance but not with me in the first time.. she wasn't even connected with me the first time as she was messaging the rebound... I really like her.. but I don't know what to do..

If you have to change your morals for a person, that person is not right for you. Not that there is anything wrong with her but you are on two different pages.
She is who she is and you are who you are.
Do you think you will not get another girl if you let her go?

Any relationship that does not have honest enough communications to get through confusion and differences isn't going to work. It doesn't mean one partner is better than the other, but it does mean that you may not be compatible in the long run, or don't work together well enough. Your bodies have met, but your minds have not. At least not yet. You keep talking, or forget it.

@ homegirl.. I don't mind doing that for her.. we gel in every aspect.. we think alike.. sometimes even know what the other person is thinking.. she is perfect on all levels except that our morals on sex don't match. She takes it very casually and has given head to many but I feel sex and physical intimacy is just for the special and ones you love..
I'm really confused.. I mean is it worth changing my whole thought process for her ,my morals n values on which my existence so far was based because I know that we perfect for each other on all other counts? Or should I leave her n find someone who thinks like me on morals regarding sex but may never match so perfectly on other counts? I really don't think I might find another girl like her.. but even.. I may never ever again have to be with another girl with such a wild sexual past.. I'm confused to the core..

She lies a lot and I don't like it.. though she confesses because of the guilt.. it still hurts.. the only differences we have are on this topic of sex...

Can't you forgive her past long enough to learn her morals NOW? If you can't what's the point? Again, you are so freaked out by who she WAS, do you even have a clue who she is NOW??

Its nothing to forgive.. she hsnt wronged me.. I am no one to forgive.. its uncomfortable to know she was so loose with them.. I love her but sometimes I feel they came by did her one night and went and she gave it to them so easily.

We hd made out and kissed after knowing each other for more than a month.. and she didn't go oral on me even then.after around 3 months we had sex. So I do feel kind of jealous as well that she took so much time for me but went oral with othrs first night.

You don't have to make any long-lasting decisions yet. You are only 22 and you have only known her for 5 months.

You ask if you need to change your whole thought processes for her. I think the real question is whether the two of you can grow together. Maybe you are being too rigid, but that's for you to decide. You have to be true to yourself.

If you don't want to know about her past, have you told her this? She needs to know how you are thinking. I know you want her to feel she can confide in you, but you don't need to know specific details. Think about steering the conversation into something more meaningful. What are her current thoughts about her morality? What does she want now and in the future? Even, what has she learned from her experiences? Open communication is important, but make it about what is really important.

@ just looking.. I am not.. I wished to take each day as it comes.. but she is apparently 'in love' with me and so already doesn't mind of a life with me.. I keep telling her to go slow.. n I guess she has warmed up to it..

We can grow together I feel.. we have.. in all these months.. whenever we have fought.. it has been because of these past issues.. not because I haven't gotten over them.. I try to push it deep inside.. but every time those people are mentioned.. or they call or text when she is with me it kind of pisses me off.. then all these images rush back to me.. and it bothers me... I mean.. all this was when I just knew that they had madeout and she was topless.. now knowing that she has given blowjobs to one and he went down on her and she doesn't remember what she did when she was drunk bothers me all the more.. I mean.. even if she was attracted it was cool.. but she was in depression and would have done it with anyone she found she says just disgusts me.. is she really that easy.. the one nightstand happened just 4 months before I met her.. so comparatively very recent. And she continued being best friends with that guy even after what happened and when we first started dating.. he would tell her to beware of me as I seem shallow.. what he did wasn't shallow is it.. and would write to me asking how his 'kitten' is.. etc.. But I didn't know their history back then..

I have told her that I don't want to know her past and she has stopped after that day.. but I thought she was honest.. today after all these months she tells me the truth.. n I don't know.. maybe if we still are together.. months later she'll tell me she even had sex with them.. She claims that she always believed in sex in love but just the first time it was an experiment with her then boyfriend... but she was under depression and did all this and then was drunk and did all this.. how did her morals change when under depression and drunk.. I don't know how to get these images of her giving head to these guys out of my head.. especially when I know the guy.. have spoken to the guy and have a face to it as well..

Does she still drink? I think you are always going to worry about that. If her sexual morals are different from yours, you are going to worry about her getting drunk and being with someone else.
You two have been together 5 months, that is not long at all, you are still in the getting to know each other stage.
Are you with her because the sex is good and you don't think you can find anybody else or do you think you love her?

I still think you two are too different. She is who she is.

Yeah.. she still drinks.. sh isn't a regular drinker.. just occasionally.. no.. I'm very secure that she won't go with anyone else.. she has gone drinking with many of her guy friends even after we started dating.. and sometimes even with that best friend guy.. but she didn't do anything.. the worst bit that ihate about it is that after she is drunk her guy friends hit on her thinking they'll get laid this time.. and keep asking her if.. that guy was Ok for you then why not us.. (he looks crap).. she leaves her morals aside more when she is depressed than when drunk.. and it has happened twice.. I don't know how she gets gratification from making out or giving other guys blowjobs.. when she is still not satisfied in sex..
I know her almost too well now.. the way she thinks.. even what she would say before she says it.. and she knows me that well too..
And well.. for sex to be good we need to Have sex right.. we hardly have sex once a month.. and that too isn't great as she uses teeth while giving a blow.. which I don't like.. have told her.. lets hope she changes.. n the first time we had sex she thought I wouldn't have the guts togo buy a condom( as I was kiddin around with her that I won't b able to) so she got it from that best friend who she gave a blow on newyears.. for me.. and that night was horrible.. she was in pain all along as she was having sex after a long time and then her mind drifted and she went on to blurt that she feels she will get fat because of sex as she put on weight when she used to with her ex boyfriend.. next afternoon we had a quickie at a friends place and that was wonderful.. that was the first time she ever had a quickie.. we did it once more another time which was comparatively better. But she still didn't find it 'awesome'.. it kept getting better and better and we have had quickies usually which she loved (in risky places).. what hurt me was.. even though we are getting better at it. She says.. that she would be better off at sex with a stranger or a fling or one night stand as it is just pure sex.. no emotions involved.. but screws up when emotions are involved as she tries to impress.. and gets conscious and had trust issues..
We are actually very very similar on all aspects except when things come to sex.. weird.

If that is how her guy friends are acting, why is she friends with them? She probably likes the attention and likes knowing they find her attractive. You ask how she gets gratification from what she's done. Chances are, she doesn't. She was looking for a quick fix to make her feel better, but I doubt it gave her much of anything.

I just had a thought. If you really want to be helpful to her, why not start having discussions about things that will be a longterm benefit? The discussions might even help you to focus your feelings and intentions. If you are both interested, you could even do some reading on subjects that will help you define yourselves and figure out what you want in life.

I read an article yesterday that was talking about how to achieve happiness in life. Happiness does not come from being young and good looking, nor does it come from something like winning a lottery. One thing that does lead to happiness is setting and achieving goals. Maybe your solution here is to start thinking about things like this rather than dwelling on the past and sex.

Well.. u right.. she likes holding on to people no matter how they are.. she is scared of being alone ( mentally) she needs to know she has people for her.. that's why is she is still friends with that one night stand guy , the whole friend circle who knows what they did and ask her to do it with them and also friends with that rebound who she gave a blow and got eaten out in depression. In fact.. the first time. That We were making out , going oral was a far fetched thing.. she wasn't even emotionally there as she was messaging this same rebound guy in the middle.. it hurt me as hell..
How does one get any kind of gratification from sex? I mean I understand it can be possible when you reach an orgasm and the brain realises stuff to soothe the body and mind.. but this? How? She didn't get any gratification and couldn't get out of her ex even after that rebound oral sex.. but still.. when she was lonely and depressed again.. she did the same thing 8 months later.. its very weird..
And as she was drunk.. one thing lead to another without her knowing and she doesn't even remember it clearly... isn't this what date rape is?sexual contact with a female when she isn't in the senses to make a decision of yes or no but would have said No under normal circumstances? Yet.. after next morning they got back to being best of friends..
Well I was over her past this morning.. ( that she had just madeout with these guys) but this afternoon she told me that it was oral with all and she doesn't quite remember what all happened when she was drunk.. it just disgusted me all over again.. and these guys are close to her family. The rebound.. her fathers drinking buddy and ex student and the other the best friend who always drops by..

You keep repeating yourself. If you are going to make progress, you have to let this go. I'll repeat myself - I think if you could focus your energy and thoughts elsewhere, you will be much better off.

You are 22. Start thinking more about what you can do to make your life better, whether it be school or a better job or even simply getting to know yourself better. You are confused about things, so now is a good time to figure out what is important to you. You don't have to decide today what you think, but today is a good time to start thinking about these things. You might even take a step back with your girlfriend. Stop thinking so much about sex, and concentrate on having fun with her and getting to know her on a deeper level. Every time it's suggested that you may not be right for each other, you defend your relationship. I don't think you want to give up on her yet, so get to know yourself and her better. That will give you more answers than dwelling on her past.

If your first 5 months are so wacky and off, I can't imagine another 6 months of this crap. I see nothing besides trying to build something from sex and lust, by two very young people who have life and BS all mixed up. I see no love, just unhealthy attachment built around lust. Throw in the distance too, plus her choice of friends?? Drinking?? I don't know guy, I just ain't seeing it. Heck the sex doesn't even sound that great.

All good men must make a choice about what they want and how they get it, woman do too. But I can't see this working for much longer, and maybe you need to step back and re evaluate this whole thing without her influence. Your brain is to full of sex, and not what's important for love and happiness.

Well its just very difficult to get those disgusting images out of my head..

I have very clear thoughts about my life and my aims and objectives that I have to achieve.. I became sexually active after the age of 21.. very late actually compared to others , and even her, as my life was focused on getting somewhere in life and knowing what I wanted and working towards it.. Now after my goal is clear to me and my profession is well set and established with no worries to loose balance I started giving importance to girls and sexuality and realised that maybe I was too late for this race.. everyone my age already had few sexual partners.. experiments. Goof ups but I never got into all of this like most teenagers as I focused on my objectives in life and didn't want to get any of these issues in my way or something that would hamper the reputation I was trying to establish or my fathers reputation. So that's why when I look around.. I feel everyone I know of my age has had wild and bad and weird sexual pasts.

I don't think much about sex with my girl.. we hardly have sex anyway.. we know each other better mentally than physically.. so sex with her isn't what's on my head.. .
Actually I have never had an issues getting girls.. I just never acted on it and went ahead for sex just because the girl wanted it.. like most people would.. ( like her best friend did).. I believed in sex with the one I really liked.. and that was my ex girlfriend (prefect girl, but she was older 25 and wanted to get married and I didn't, I was 21.).. and now this girl...
When we first met.. my girl had a crush on me but wasn't going to do anything about the crush because she thought I was way out of her league.. my lifestyle.. who I am... my family.. etc.. She boasts of being able to get any guy she wants.. so.. the best friend guy challenged her to get me and try and make me fall in love with her.. I was a challenge for her.. but apparently within 2 weeks it was off because instead of me falling she had started falling for me and now she is 'In love ' with me... (in a way I got to thank 'that' Guy for having her in my life -yuckk).. Sex is not the issue here.. the issue here is the intention behind having sex with all these guys.. which I just can't seem to understand or get into logic..

Dude you are way out of your league with this girl. You want to call what she did with this guy date rape so you can justify it in your mind and hang on to her.
The truth is you don't like the way she conducts her life. Period. Get over this infatuation with a "bad girl" and move on to someone who is more your speed.
This mess is too full of drama and it has only been 5 months. I'm not even understanding what is so attractive about what you have with her. Stop trying to talk yourself in to staying with her. She gave your ego a boost but is it worth it? I think not.

You are STUCK for lack of a better word.

Well.. both of us think alike.. very much.. except on the issue of sex that is.. that's the only reason I'm holding on.. I don't think I'll find a girl like her who compliments my emotions so well..
She hasn't given me any kind of ego boost by being with me.. I have always been surrounded by much hotter , badder girls and that is the reason she tried to hit on me.. to try and get into that higher league..
Honestly, I don't like the way she has conducted her sex life.. because all the reasons ( which I didn't need to know) she gave me for having sex or oral sex with these guys was BS. I can't believe that you have sex just in depression and are feeling lonely or just because you are drunk and its new years.
I have no issues with anything else about her life.. the way she flirts to get her work done , and other similar things which most guys she dated had a problem with.
I have no worries about getting a much hotter , beautiful girl than she is.. as its very easy for me as girls look to be with me.. I'm not all that bad looking and professionally very successful at 22... ( I'm really not boasting, its very true) , but I like this girl.. because she thinks like me, and we can handle each others nonsense . Neither of us in the past have found partners who could handle us for who we are.. she is a completely wild girl.. and I am wild guy but only when I wish to be, in a very controlled manner.. we both have the reputation of being players in our circles.. she has been at it since she was 17 physically.. but I have never been physical.. just more of the emotional lover boy..

You keep telling yourself that.
I would imagine she is not bothered by her life at all and her inhibitions about sexuality seems to bother you quite a bit. Do you think she is going to change?

She says she will for me.. she has kind of reduced contact with that best friend from what it used to be..

Your words:
everyone my age already had few sexual partners.. experiments

we live n a very conservative society and any girl having many sexual partners or one night stands gets termed as a slut

These statements seem pretty contradictory. You are worried that she's had more partners than you and concerned about her motivations. Without re-reading every post, I don't remember the numbers... but it's not really important to what I want to say. You are saying there is sex among your age group, but you waited until last year. She started younger. Could it be that you are following the traditions of the culture you were taught and she is more modern? You seem to like that she is a "completely wild girl", but you can't handle that she has a past. You really need to decide what is important to you. I read lots of confusion in your posts. I also keep reading that you haven't found anyone else like her (i.e. the things about her that you like), but at the same time you are 22 and admittedly only started being interested in relationships in the last year. I'm not so sure you have even scratched the surface of the girls you could meet.

Your original question was how to get over these thoughts. You get over them by focusing your attention on something else. Don't engage in further conversations about the details. Find something else to talk about that is deeper and more interesting. You might even think about taking up a new interest. If you want to have a better relationship with the girl, think about something the two of you might learn together.

You are getting no where dwelling on all of this. You either let go of your thoughts of her past and accept her where she is now, or you determine that you can't let go and it's time to move on. That might take you some more time to determine, but if you are going to spend more time deciding at least try something new - instead of dwelling on the things in the past, strive to improve your relationship in the present.

she says she will for me.. she has kinda reduced contact with that best friend from what it used to be ..
She has been dating you for 5 months. Why should she change who she is to suite you?
She is who she is, why can she not be herself and be with someone who is not hung up on who she is. You want her, but you want her to change to suite you. I think that is very selfish.

I have never asked her to change.. I have only always pleaded of her to not talk about these guys with me.. if she meets them,I don't want to know what happens.. what they speak or anything. That's all that I ask of her. I don't want to know that side of her that is associated with them and what happens in that part of her life.. yesterday I don't know how she spoke about her past again and ended up blurting out details that she had hid from me the past few months.. I love her for who she is and not who she was.. and that's all I want to be concerned with.. her telling me makes it feel like she is being honest tome and telling me her life.. but, I seriously am never concerned about anyone's past, because it just makes you feel uncomfortable that the person who you love today was something totally different just few months back under drinks and depression..

It is a conservative society and I followed it unlike others who were modern. I have dated more girls in the past one year since I started, than she has guys in 7yrs. The number isn't a problem. What is weird is Who and with what intention.

When we met, she was a different person, showed me a shy homely girl image, a one man girl, who believed in love and passion and sex and love being one , etc.. But slowly opened up to what her past was like.. and it is definitely not what the image she had shown me.. I reaaaaaaally want to get over the past.. but I don't know how to.. she has spoken about it so many times that it literally got rubbed into me as she would brag about her escapades. I have my own past, not as wild, at least no one drunk was every involved but I haven't shared it with her as I know what I go through and I don't want her to go through the same..

If she is still seeing these guys how do you know she is not drinking with them and nothing else is going on?
She says she will change, how? Will she stop seeing these guys? She has not stopped talking about them to you (which I think is rather tacky and inconsiderate) like you have asked her too. She is still in contact with these guys. This is why you can't get it out of your head.
I'm still not understanding what is so great about this relationship.

Well.. I don't want her to change her ways of living.. I don't want to stop her from anything that she does or has been doing.. I don't mind changing my thinking process and morals for her.. I completely trust her that even if she's out with them, nothings going to happen because she loves me. I have faith in my love for her and hers for me( I hope I'm right).. She has kind of cut down mentioning them since I told her.. but not completely yet.. Hope she does.. and well, I Know she is drinking with them, she tells me, that she is drinking with them, the one night stand and all.. but she won't cheat on me.
She has kind of cut down her contact with these guys and now hr friends are pestering me to find out why she isn't meeting those people who are her best friends and if any fight has taken place between her and that friend. She doesn't want to tell her friends the truth because she thinks it will just portray me in bad light. So she is cutting contact.. as in meeting him.. maybe on the phone they are still always connected.. as when we were together last time the rebound text her and this one night stand keeps commenting on her statuses on Facebook daily.
The reason I like this relationship is... I have been a kind of flirty guy.. she doesn't seem to have any problem with it. My flirting is harmless, but other girls I dated would have a problem even if I looked at any other girl. She is secure.. doesn't get jealous easily.. and the profession I am in.. I catch constant attention and girls do flock around me.. showbiz.. so I can't be with an insecure girl or I'll be killed by her after any performance if girls come to meet... and well.. sometimes the quickies are good..

"after any performance if girls come to meet...and well.. sometimes the quickies are good.. "

What does that mean?

And your complaining about her. LOL. Double-standard much?

Harshness alert


Are you serious? This thing sounds so dysfunctional it is hard to believe it's true.
Perhaps she doesn't worry about you or gets jealous is because she couldn't
Care less what you do.
If you think this lady is going to change her ways for someone she has known all of 5 months good luck.
Personally I think you are either delusional or none of this is true. Your story changes too much.
One post she is not seeing these guys anymore and the next she is but you trust her.

Good luck whatever you do

No nO.. The quickies with my grifriend are good. And as I'm not showbiz girls flock around all the time.. they are two separate sentences..

See.. when we first met.. she would talk with these guys everyday over the phone.. putting me on hold.. now she drinks with them but once in a mnth or so... the contact has reduced contct. Thts what I mean..
She doesn't get insecure or jealous evr.

I don't think she cares enough to get insecure or jealous. She has you wrapped tight.

What do you mean by wrapped tight?
I still can't get ovr the fact that she doesn't remember what she did when drunk.. she must have had sex and doesn't remembr.. chances are less that the guy doesn't remembr as well.. mayb he was aware of what he was doing.

AAAAAAH.. today she tells me that she had gone 3rd base on the rebound guy.. she gave him a blow but he didn't eat her out.. I'm the only one to have done that to her (but she has in the past said her exes have done it to her).. and that she still thinks she just madeout and went topless with her one night stand.. but because I asked.. how does she remember when she was so drunk she started thinking and thinks maybe she did more.. but personally she feels only making out happened.( by the way, her making out includes handjobs.. )..
She is saying one thing and then next day saying something else..
BTW, important piece of info.. she suffers from epilepsy.. and once when she got an attack I was present and I held her and she felt very safe with me.. safer than what she even feels with her mother. And always phones me up if she feels she may get an attack as she feels if she can feel my presence I can distract her from it.. she visits a psychologist regularly etc as her mental frame isn't right..

This girl has you wrapped means you don't even think. She does her thing and you're here asking why it bothers you that she gets drunk with her buddies and gives them blow jobs and tells you about it then you are telling yourself she would never cheat on you.
You two have been together 5 months, what is the relationship built on? She has told you the sex is no good, all you get are quickies, you can't get put of your mind what she does with other guys when she hangs out with them and gets drunk. Go back and read all of this. What you tell some other guy about this?
You are not using your head.

It seems to me she knows what she is doing and doing to you and she doesn't care. You are continually making excuses for her. I wonder how long before she becomes bored with you and leaves. You hear dude. Leave this girl alone. There is nothing positive about this relationship.

Well.. she says she did all this before we met.. never after we met and started dating..
But she gave me too many details about it..
And the worst bit is.. Some parts I can relate.. but can't relate to the fact that when she is Low.. and depressed.. giving others a blowjob helps her.. I mean even if they satisfied her it would be OK.. but.. here.. she is the one doing things to them.. oral sex means surrendering to the other person.. The other people surrendering to her would be like an ego boost for her if she is depressed or lonely.. how does she giving blows give her an ego boost.
The sex wasn't good at first.. but it is getting better slowly.. She has a very high sex drive, unlike other girls that I have dated... and so do I..
The relationship was basically built on friendship. We are almost as good as each others best friends now. When we started dating we were in two mind whether to continue or stay friends because the friendship was really building fast.. I am apparently Used to her now.. I do love her but I think its more that I'm used to her.. she says she is In love with me and can spend her life with me.
I don't believe in changing a person.. I'm trying to adjust according to her.. I just makes me sick to think that she gives blowjobs to guys who are her friends.. or when she is depressed.. or lonely.. Not because she gave them.. because I feel she was used by the guys.. but she doesn't see it.. She says she used the guys.. but.. is it possible that girl can use a guy? When she is the one giving him a blow?

My Opinion only---

I think you BOTH deserve each other. Neither one of you appear to know what a true relationship consist of. Believe me its not SEX. It's a combination of trust,friendship,compassion,compromise,attraction, and all those make up love. I realize that you are both young, but if your going to practice grown up relations then you need to be mature enough to learn to either accept your partners past or move on, but if you stick around then you have made a choice and need to STOP complaining all the time about her!! Either accept or move on.

Thanks.. this is what I needed.. seriously.. someone to tell me to STOP thinking because I have made my decision to stay with her.. we have all the mentioned points that you said.. its just the past issue that bothered me..

You two are not on the same page as far as sex is concerned. She tells you she was not being used, take her word for it. You just don't want to admit that you think she is loose and it makes you uncomfortable.
Why don't you two just be friends then it won't matter what she does with other guys.
I think you know this is not a good relationship but you don't want to let go. You need to.

People aren't perfect. You really need to let this go if you want to stay with her and focus on what is important.

I'll give it one last shot.. till date. Whenever e have fought.. it has been because of her past.. that I got uncomfortable with. Her past blowjobs.. one night stands.. etc.

You two have been involved for only 5 months.
If her sexual practices and drinking past bothers you and it obviously does especially since she still interacts with these guys, you need to cut her loose.
I'm not saying either one is right or wrong, everyone has things that may be a deal breaker and preferences in a relationship.
I would not want a man who when he gets drunk he put his mouth or Johnson in any old thing and then tells me about it like it is a badge of honor.
But if something bothers you early on in a new relationship and you can't let go, that is a sign you need to move on.

I think I'll stay with her... I find my best friend in her.. and we'll be friends till I can get over her past and accept her fully.. (btw, she doesn't have a prob with my past, she doesn't know most of it.. but whatever she knows.. she doesn't have a problem.. )
We ( me and my girlfriend) were discussing it and I told her.. what a spiritual lady told me.. that blowjob and oral sex means you are surrendering to the other person.. usually because of love.. or if you are a satisfaction 'giver' then for ego boost, (that I am good at it).. or if your ego is completely dead.. But my girlfriend disagrees... she believes that surrender would be when the person orgasms.. as that is the most vulnerable state a person can being when they reach climax and exposing that vulnerable state to someone is a surrender.. what say?

Well.. she has got drunk many times.. but this sex incident happened once when she was in a depressed lonely state.I don't mind her being friends with anyone else.. but I think these guys took advantage of her mental depressed state.. thts why don't like them

I am tired of this OP.

Personally I think you just get off writing about explicit sexual activities. You don't give a rat's what anyone has for advice, put it does give you great pleasure to write about your girlfriends sexuality. I think your just a perv.

If you don't trust her, you don't trust her. Stop trying to rationalize what she did and who she did it with. You are only adding to your own insecurities and confusion.

Quite frankly, I think she may be a lot more invested in this relationship than she wants to believe or let you see. You say that she doesn't know all about your past relationships, but I think she has gleaned enough to know that she would probably be history if she was anywhere close to what you consider 'moral' for a female in your culture.

You want to be different from the others. I would bet that she wants to be different from your exes.

I did the math according to the ages and numbers you have given. You say that you became sexually active at age 21. You are now 22. I'll be generous and give you the full 24 months. 24 minus the 5 months you have been with this woman is 19 months. You have had sexual relationships with 4 women and heavy petting with another for a total of five which means that your relationships have lasted less than four months each with no time for healing and moving on between them. You say that you have only had sex with women you had an emotional connection to. Do you still have feelings for those women? If not, then how much can she trust that you will still feel the same way about her next week. By your own track record, she should be history along with the others. I think she is still in your picture because you are getting something out of her telling you about her past exploits. I think there is something in her current behavior that appeals to you whether it is the challenge, the wanting to save her, etc.

You can't change her. She can't change you. You can sit down and discuss boundaries such as how you should behave with other women who might 'throw' themselves at you and when she should accept and respond to texts/calls. If you can't communicate with each other and there isn't any trust, then both of you should move on.

The trust is there.and I love her for who she is now. But what she did in her past.. is weird. I wanted to see a life with her ahead. But the thought that she has got drunk and given head to so many.. makes me change my mind. That's why I'm confused.

Reality Check Warning:

What's confusing?

She's been putting guys ****s in her mouth.
She likes it, you don't.

It doesn't matter how many ways you rationalise this so everything is OK to your soul (i.e. the guys took advantage of her) the facts are you two are not compatible (different morals).

Move on. Before this eats you up inside and you take her previous behaviour out on her at every chance you get, making her feel like crap.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to kaka67 again.





the trust is there.and i love her for who she is now. but what she did in her past ..is weird. i wanted to see a life with her ahead. but the thought that she has got drunk and given head to so many.. makes me change my mind. that's why im confused.
What are you confused about? You don't like the way she has conducted her life in the past and it is a recent past.
You two are not a match. Move on. Time to get off the Merry Go Round. It's going nowhere

Today we kind of fought. And just to get back at me.. she went and started chatting and meeting up that one night stand of hers.. she said she had cut off contact from him.. but now because we fought.. she is back to him... just to get back at me.. I don't think I can take it anymore..

Today we kinda fought. and just to get back at me.. she went and started chatting and meeting up that one night stand of hers.. she said she had cut off contact from him.. but now because we fought .. she is back to him...just to get back at me.. i dont think i can take it anymore..

Sounds like she has deep-rooted issues that have nothing to do with you.

What do you mean??
She does go visit a pyschologist and stuff because of some childhood thing( she wasn't molested, but some other thing that she hadn't shared wth me.)
I don't know if I should take her or not..

What did you 'kinda' fight about?

Is she trying to 'get back at you' or trying to show you that she is independent?

Either way, it sounds like the two of you need to work on your communication skills or leave each other alone.

Sounds t me like she is who she is and is not going to change. This is what it is going to be like, and it's only been 5 months.
Is this what you want?
She knows what angers you and so she knows how to get back at you.
This is really messed up and you're only 5 months in to this.

Yeah.she knows how to get back.every time we fought,she knew how to get me below the belt..
She doesn't care what society thinks of her actions. Isn't bothered.. but at the same time.. she wants a societal tag with me.. like girlfriend. Contradiction.

yeah.she knows how to get back.every time we fought,she knew how to get me below the belt..
she doesnt care what society thinks of her actions. isnt bothered..but at the same time.. she wants a societal tag with me..like girlfriend. contradiction.
Sounds like she is using you.
I don't understand why this is still an issue. You know what she is about and it bothers you, yet you just keep going back for more. Surely you are not that desperate. Desperation is not attractive.

I think you have to honestly ask yourself if you can handle the drama this female is putting you through. If this LDR is so complicated after 5 months, which is way too soon in my book, for it to be, then maybe its time to back up, and see things with more clarity, and leave all the feelings aside for a bit.I think you are allowing your feelings (lust is more like it) to confuse you even more than this female is. While I understand it, given your age, you are taking this whole experience much to seriously, and its clogging your brain like a toilet that's backed up. Flush it all down and take a week to see if you can think beyond the little head, and see what YOU are doing to yourself, because she really has no control whatsoever over you, UNLESS you allow her too. Before you protest and get confused, stop and reread your post, and you will see as we do, its all about how you have trouble coping with the way she makes you feel about YOURSELF, and your inability to understand and control your own feelings.

HINT: its never about the other person, its always about you, and how you deal with yourself in all, and ANY situation!!

HINT: its called growing pains, the process of learning about yourself, and COPING WITH YOURSELF!!

Hey thanks...
We are now just friends.. have put the feelings behind us.. till I'm a lot sure that this isn't just lust.. she is very sure she loves me.. but then again.. she can't let go of her past guys and one night friends..
We put all feelings behind and decided to be friends.. at least till we get over it maturely.. I mean life feels a lot nicer now.. that I don't have to deal with any issues.. and can just think if I really like her and want her and if we were just used to each other or more.. we still speak on the phone regularly.. she still calls daily.. every morning and night.. and we talk for hours.. though not like lovers anymore.. just on a friendly gossip level..
One question I wanted to ask.. Am I really taking this past issue out of hand? Am I the one giving it importance? Or would anyone else also feel weird if their girl had one night stands with their best friends in the past and still stayed best friends till date?

As a woman it would bother me if a guy I was dating had that history and still hooked up with those women, if he had the tendency to use it against me if we had a disagreement.
I would just leave him alone.
I hope you are not going to not date other people, sit around waiting for her.

One question I wanted to ask.. Am I really taking this past issue out of hand? Am I the one giving it importance? Or would anyone else also feel weird if their girl had one night stands with their best friends in the past and still stayed best friends till date?

I think this is all you, as most guys that are confident, and secure within themselves, wouldn't be tripping about the life of their partners, past or present, they would just deal with it in the best manner for themselves. Which is what you are doing. I think your feelings are warning you to slow down, and pay better attention before falling too deep, to fast. That's called instincts, and obviously yours are working. Paying attention is all about being honest with yourself, and alert to what's around you. Only you know what you can handle, and what you can't, so listen to yourself, to protect yourself.

We spoke yesterday about why things were falling apart between me and her.. and it all led to that one guy.. I mean.. she says she was depressed and tried to drink and smoke her way out of depression.. but apparently ended up with that guy.. he just came to pick his beer from the fridge from the middle of the party, happened to see her cry.. hugged her and she started making outwith him.. so he took her to the room.. ( talk about luck and timing.. - yeah I am jealous of it.. because this doesn't happen even rarely.. )
She feels equations can't be changed after one night. People can't be judged after one night.. They were friends for 4 years before that.. the guy asked if they should start dating, the next morning,but she refused.. apparently because she didn't want to lose the friend.. as she thought that if she started dating, they would have differences and fall apart.. and she didn't want to lose this friend.. she also told me, that she was deeply emotionally attached to him as a friend.. and was emotionally dependent on him.. as they have always been the only ones there for each other in their bad times..
She met the guy recently and he realised that she was cutting contact with him and asked her if it was because I didn't like them meet. She didn't reply.. but she says he realised and started slowly backing off.. But when we fought.. she was the one who contacted him again.. and then both got back to where they were.. and that's when I couldn't take it anymore and had to breakup..
The one very big issue I had and still will have wasn't what she did.. it was her life.. her wish.. but I wished that I would be the emotional support for the girl I am with.. and not other people.. She says she is emotionally dependent on me as well.. that's why even after we have broken up she still wants to talk everyday, etc etc..
But it just makes me wonder.. we are very good friends.. we like each others company.. we are emotionally attached and dependent on each other.. its just that she has sex with Me these days and had it with that guy then.. what is the difference between me and that guy in her life.? She shares the same stuff with both of us.. Its not that I have a problem with a guy being her best friend.. Its just that after finding out what they did, it makes me sick.. that she still holds on to him..
She didn't care of what society thought about her when she continued holding onto that guys friendship even after what happened.. but now she wants me to give her a societal tag of more than just a dating couple as she feels like a 'keep' to me? Wow.. people know we love each other and won't think that way.. . and she says this.. whereas -im sorry to say- but people could have thought that about her when she stuck to her friend , without love, without any emotion, just drunk and doing it.. but then she didn't care..

Why do you bother with this girl. She has problems. She is seriously hung up in a weird kind of way with this other guy.
This relationship was just full of drama. Leave it alone.

Yeahhh.. Loads of drama.. well.. we are just friends now... and the problems are a lot lesser.. by the way,is it common for people to stay so close and emotionally dependent on friends even after one night stands and an uncomfortable boyfriend?

I think being so emotionally dependent on anybody is unhealthy. You add alcohol and depression to the mix and then another boy friend, it's kind of funky.
So are you going to be the friend with benefits?

No I don't think I would want to be a friend with benefits. We still love each other, just the societal tag is off.. ( for now atleast).. and when we last met she didn't feel like kissing me either. So guess we are just friends now..

You keep saying she wants a 'societal tag' that you aren't willing to give. What precisely is that 'tag'?

I am getting the impression that this is only place you call her 'girlfriend'. How did you introduce her to people? Do the 'girls' you meet after concerts or whatever know you were in a committed relationship?

You have a lot to learn about love and BS!! Right now you have them all mixed up, but trust me, it will eventually clear up when the lust, and "dependence" wears off, and you find more important things to trip on.

Comment on Cat1864's post

Well... yes.. I don't usually refer to her as my girlfriend.. our common friends do.. but I never officailly asked her to be my girl.. and about the girls I meet, I never am interested in them.. meet them just on the way or in the greenroom.

Comment on talaniman's post

Very true.. we are away now.. just as friends.. All emotions away.. to see what we had.. if it was true love we won't be able to stay away.. or we'll just move on..

New years approaching.. I don't Know what to do.. should I spend the new years with her? I mean.. she did all her drunk thing with her best friend just last year on new years.. I still can't get over the images she has put in me of those.. I don't know if I want to spend newyears with her.. really confused about it.. at times I feel I'll spend it with her and maybe if we do it that night those images of her with someone else won't bother.. but then at times I think.. what if I'm with her and all this rushes to my head.. I won't even feel like touching her then.. don't know what to do.. ( we are both kind of back together again).

My girlfriend of 7 months was feeling very low one evening. Some old time family issue that she had. Anyway,she was turning 23yrs old in a week and was very low and suicidal as she was to leave home by 23yrs old because of that family issue... She was scared about it and didn't know what to do and was thinking of killing herself on her 23rd birthday.
So she called up her ex boyfriend.. He was one of the few people who knew about this family issue of hers( I wasn't aware of it as she felt it was too early for me to know).. and he was the only one who knew about her suicidal tendancies( I wasn't aware of this as well).. as they were together for almost 2 years before he dumped her in a bad way for another girl..
Anyway, she had cut off all contact with her ex since he had dumped her.. around 1.5 yrs back.. and it took her almost a year to get over him.. had 2 rebounds.. and then we met.. and started going great and fell and love.. but, still when she was at her lowest point,she chose to call him up...
We had fought all day that day over some other thing.. she called her ex up and spoke to him and then thanked him for getting her out of that depression and suicidal thing.. All this while... I didn't even know she was depressed at something and was suicidal..
She called me up after she spoke to her ex and told me that she spoke to him and that she was suicidal and he talked her out of it.. of how its not worth ending her life for anyone.. and then she asked him where she went wrong with him,etc.. I was like ***.. I didn't even know she was suicidal.. and then she told me that it was because of her family issue... that she hadn't told me about..
She told me about the family thing on her birthday and told me she didn't call me up when she was low as she thought I would judge her family and judge her and leave her after knowing that she has suicidal tendencies..
It still hurts me to think that she called some guy who she was in love with but who dumped her so bad that she was in depression for a year.. rather than call me.. who really loves her and she knows it.. and she says that she loves me more than she ever loved her ex..
It just keeps giving me the feeling that she isn't over the ex yet, she keeps stuff he gave her.. his photos.. she still hasn't changed her passwords that she had given him though he changed his the day he dumped her.. She keeps telling me that she is over him completely and that I am the only one she loves 100%..
But then why would she call him up suddenly after 1.5yrs when she was suicidal rather than tell me about the whole thing.. and why would she keep his photos and still let him have her password..
Was the phone call to her ex boyfriend emotional cheating? Please help...

No it wasn't emotional cheating. Emotional cheating is when you have a relationship with another person, w/o becoming intimate with them, when you are involved in another long term relationship.

Tick

Thanks... but this still hurts a lot... what would u call this if not emotional cheating?

You need to see the forest for the trees...

If her "family issues" are so major that they cause her to be suicidal then I would rethink this 7 month relationship. Because when she's finished using the ex as her emotional crutch then you'll be next.

And do you really want that responsibility?

I would strongly suggest leaving her alone until she sorts out her stuff, because sooner or later, she will drag you down as well.

Well.. after she shared it with me on her birthday.. we sorted it out... that makes e wonder as to why her ex never helped her sort it out or help her view it this way... the issue isn't the problem.. the problem that hurt is that she called him up when she was that low.. instead of sharing the problem with me on that day...

I guess he was the first one that came to her mind when she was in an interrupted state. I guess that tells a lot, and you should take that into consideration if you still want a relationship with this woman. There will always be 'another'. Could you live with that ?

Comment on tickle's post

exactly.. that is what hurts so much... she called him as he was the only one who knew the situation.. and she didn't want to share it with me as she thought I would judge her and dump her.. and we were fighting anyway.. she says... she is very sorry about it and said she would never do it again and hence forth has been sharing everything with me... and we love each other a lot... but it still hurts..

Comment on kaka67's post

I really want to be the one she shares everything with.. and I wouldn't mind that responsibility.. the ex wasn't a crutch all along.. she called him this once.. after 1.5yrs of staying out of contact with him.. as he knew the problem... had they been in touch as friends I wouldn't mind it.. but this randomly she calls himwhen she is at her lowest, hurt me...

it was related to some family issue of hers that she hadn't told me about.. till that time... as she felt it was too early to share such a deep thing about her family with me in 7 months.. anyway, she was almost suicidal on that issue and instead of even letting me know about it she called him up and spoke to him.. And how she was feeling suicidal and all and he spoke to her and calmed her a bit.. and she thanked him for it.. I felt like I was a nobody in her life when she later called me and told me that she spoke to her ex as she was almost suicidal and only he knew of that trouble in her life and that she was suicidal at it and no one else.. and she couldn't share it with me just yet...


I really felt hurt, that at her lowest point she went to some other guy , rather than tell me about it..


I felt emotionally cheated on.. and till date I feel she emotionally cheated on me by going to some other guy who dumped her making her feel worthless..


Am I wrong in thinking this way??

Pboy, this may come off as harsh, but you haven't exactly been honest about your relationship with this young woman in this thread.

Are you finally admitting she is your girlfriend to her and in public? Obviously you still don't trust her.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/girlfriends-past-bothers-me-am-jealous-her-ex-bfs-523095.html

You have been judgmental in the past. You have held her past against her and questioned every little thing she does. It sounds like she isn't sure she can trust you with personal problems.

Understand that she may have needed to discuss the issue with some she didn't have to explain the situation to. She could say how she felt at that moment without having to backtrack and bring a person new to the problem up to speed. It sounds like she also needed to ask why he left her for another girl with less 'experience'. I am sure that and her more recent experience with you still has her questioning herself.

I have kept her past behind and love her for who she is.. and she knows this now... and yes I did accept her as my girlfriend and she even met my family... just a week before she called her ex, was my birthday and she made it really very special.. we stay in different cities.. she travelled all the way and dropped in at midnight , had booked a hotel room for us , etc etc.. We are kind of in love with each other...
And she shares all her problems with me.. but says she didn't share this then.. as she thought I would leave her knowing that she is suicidal and that I would judge her family over the issue and leave her.. She said she had to talk to someone and he was the only one who knew about this problem and that she was suicidal over this issue... she hadn't contacted him for the past year and a half and suddenly when this low called him up... this hurt me a lot...
She says she asked him what went wrong as she didn't want to repeat the same mistakes with me..

Its nice that she did all those things for you on her birthday... BUT...

When the ****e hits the fan who does she call? And its not ghostbusters and its not you.

She seems to have a few issues which are making her either depressed (which causes her to make out with her best friend) or suicidal (which causes her to call her ex). Which to me are just an excuse for bad behaviour.

If in the past you have been critical of her actions/decisions that may help explain why she didn't speak to you but I would still be hesitant and take it easy. Maybe she doesn't trust you to not be judgemental?

She has so many problems that you cannot help her with. Why, because you have so many problems that YOU need help with.

Two emotionally unhealthy people cannot make an emotionally healthy relationship.

Sorry guy, but if this is a preview of the next 7 months, you are in deep do-do!

Yeah. She did tell me that she didn't share the family issue with me yet as she thought I would judge her family... and she wasn't even sure if I wanted a future for us.. so she didn't want to give out such info about her family to me.. but she did after a week on her birthday.. She says she called her ex as she was scared she might kill herself... and since he was the only one who knew that she gets suicidal over this issue.. she called him...
She also told me just a few days back that she didn't tell me about her suicidal tendencies as shethought I would judge her and dump her for being such a whack job...
Anyway,her makeout with friends was before we met.. and she was lonely and depressed because she was dumped by that guy..
And she did think that I would judge.. that's why she didn't say it.. as I have judged her on her past sexual behaviour as it bothered me at first..

I don't know why, but since last night.. I have been having this feeling... that all this that I am hurt at.. is because my Ego got hurt that she called someone else...
I mean.. she needed help.. and she got it.. from whichever source..
I didn't know the issue and when she was depressed and suicidal.. explaining and giving justification about a situation must have been the last thing she wanted to do...
Anyway, this is just what was going through my head last night.. that all this hurt feelings are just because of my ego.. that seem to have been bruised..

Well.. she felt guilty about calling her ex.. and so called me up as soon as she cut the call with him and told me...
Anyway, since that day.. I am the one she shares everything with.. but it still is there in my mind that she called someone else... and I was holding it against her in the name of emotional cheating...

Pboy, put your ego in in its kennel. This isn't about you.

People who are thinking about suicide often do not go the people closest to them for help. There are a lot of reasons but it boils down to not wanting to hurt loved ones and scared of being judged or shunned by those they care for. Be glad she reached out to anyone instead of acting on impulse.

You now know that she has these tendencies and can encourage her to get professional help. Her suicidal thoughts and other behaviors may be symptoms of other problems that she needs to get checked out. She could very well have a medical problem which is not something you can take care of for her.

Emotional cheating is more than asking someone who knows your history for help.

She does go see a shrink... and is epileptic... and she is impulsive... a bit too impulsive.. she was planning to commit suicide on her birthday as her parents weren't going to be home.. so she was all alone... but she says.. that after she spoke it out to her ex.. she realised what a stupid idea it was... she wanted to speak about it.. as she believes that when you speak your ideas out aloud to someone,you sometimes realise how they are dumb and stupid...
Anyway, I'm glad she got help.. but what was eating me away was thinking that it was emotional cheating..

If reaching out to save her life is emotional cheating then the problem is with YOU, not her.

You cannot help her as bad as you may want to, because you don't have the tools she needs, nor the emotional capability to not make this about you.

Either get over yourself and guide her to someone that can help, and support her.

Or leave her alone before you do more harm than good. You need as much help as she does, so get it!!

I have had a horrible childhood. I was adopted when I was 7 and only a handful of people know about my past and the things I had to endure. My wife didn't know any of this until we had been dating for a year. I didn't even tell her my mom did.

Sometimes its not about just you. If she said she thought it was too early then leave it alone. She told you she called him, she told you the issue, she has been honest with you thus far, why jump to emotional cheating and create this huge thread about nothing?

I understand where she is coming from. I thought it was too early to tell me wife, and so I didn't. When she finally found out she understand, it's not something you tell many people. And when issues arise you talk to those few people who know. It's just the way it is...

Well, me and my girlfriend have been dating for around 9 months now(almost 10months).. before we started dating, she had had a one time drunk make out session with this best friend of hers ( as she was depressed that her ex dumped her and kept gulping drinks.. and he came to hug her and she started it.. ).. it went till she going down on him... and then she pushed him away in the middle and passed out... ( I know all these details as she told me herself.. though I wish I didn't know so much -she doesn't remember much.. but the guy told her what all happened).. Anyway, after that incident they still continued being the best of friends.. they have known each other for around 4years and this incident happened last year on new years 2010.. and I met her in April.. 4months after it happened..
I was kind of uncomfortable with their friendship and closeness knowing their history and that they have had a drunk sexual thing.. although it was before I met her.. it still bothered me deep inside.. and I spoke to her about it..
And just to make me happy she started distancing herself from him and slowly cut contact with him..
She hasn't been in touch with him for around 3 months now.. ( 3months back.. we had fought and she went back to talk to him as she felt it was worthless making sacrifices for me as I was not even ready for a commitment at that point.. so she felt it was useless to cut her best friend off.. anyway,she felt bad about doing that as the fight hardly lasted two days.. and she says she hasn't spoken to him since that day.. and deleted him off her Facebook as well.. )
Well.. we were having a few fights of late.. and then somedays back a female friend of mine , who my girlfriend didn't even know existed.. came to my city.. and we met up.. and that kind of made her feel weird, that there may be so many other female friends and girls in my life that I haven't told her about(slight insecurity, as I tend to flirt.. and she is usually OK with it.. ).. ( I just didn't think it was a big deal and so didn't tell her till like a day before she came and that friend isn't even very close.. besides my girlfriend has many friends who I don't know about or ask).. and then..
Her best friend.. who she had cut off with.. messaged her last Sunday.. asking if she was free and that he wanted to meet and needed some help.. She didn't reply him.. but has gone into a very weird zone suddenly.. She started fighting with me.. and wanted to go on a break.. and then later wanted to break up.. and just last night.. Wednesday night. She told me, that he had messaged,as she couldn't hide it from me anymore and was feeling guilty for hiding it.. he messaged that he needed help and that she didn't reply.. and that she is Now feeling dumb for making sacrifices for me, whereas I haven't sacrificed anything for her.. My life has still been the same.. but she has changed her life.. cut off from her best friend as I was uncomfortable due to their past( and also cut contact with her ex boyfriends and casual flings of the past) and that now she is feeling bound in this relationship by me.. as she doesn't feel free.. and she feels she is the only one trying to make this work, that's why she is the only one trying to change to make me happy.. (im not in regular touch with my exes.. but I haven't completely cutoff, as she never had a problem with my exes or anything, but my contact with exes was maybe once in 2-3months, etc. because they text or call).. but now this is getting to her.. and most of this is because when we fought once I kind of told her that we wouldn't end up together or last very long as I would dump her anyway..
Anyway, she has started acting all weird, and asked me if she can call him and pleading.. I told her its her decision.. as I wasn't the one who told her to cut that friendship.. she did as she felt I wasn't happy with it as I didn't quite like that guy and their past... Her urge to call him is what is eating me up inside.. She broke up with me.. as she felt bound.. and that after breaking up she could talk to him.. So she wanted out.. Anyway, she didn't call him... n she says she won't... and that the urge to call him was because of her care for him..
I found it weird.. that she has cut off from him.. but one message changes things so bad? She still cares so much for that guy? That one message shook her up and she had to rethink her sacrifice? She says the differences were already creeping up and had said that we won't last and all.. but this message triggered everything.. and made her think if it is really worth it.. to change so much for me.. I never asked her to change.. she changed herself to make me happier..
Anyway, She dumped me before she told me and after she dumped me she told me that he had messaged and she was feeling bound... so that she could get back to that guy and talk to him.. she didn't talk to him at all.. and now she wants to get back and says she never exactly want to exactly breakup.. but she had started feeling bound and tied up... and now this morning onwards she wants to give us another shot..
I Don't know if I should give it another shot.. if I should get back with her.. the main thing eating my mind is.. SHE DUMPED ME FOR /BECAUSE of THAT GUY, WHO I Don't LIKE... and that's why I don't want to get back with her.. . Am I overreacting?? Over a small thing and that its Ok that she still cares so much for him? Or should I try to make this work? I'm confused..

Having read all of your posts in this thread (I suggest anyone new to the thread read the whole thing), I think you need to stay out of her life.

One thing you left out of your latest lament is that last month you were upset because she contacted her ex because she was feeling suicidal and you felt like it was emotional cheating.

This month he needs (undisclosed) help and she feels guilty for not telling you he contacted her even though she didn't return his message. You say that it was up to her to decide what she wants to do and whether to distance herself from the males in her life, but, if you read what you have written here, you have made it quite clear that you don't like her being around other men.

I think she needs to find happiness in herself and stop trying to find it with men are are more concerned about their own needs.

I think you need to find someone who has a past and friends that you can handle because you obviously are not handling hers.

Both of you need to work on your own insecurities. Neither of you are stable enough to be in a long term relationship.

Please, use No Contact and end the confusion and hurt.

The help that he needed even she didn't know. As she didn't reply him back then.. One of their common friends just said that his niece was in hospital so he needed help.. and she started flipping..
I don't have a problem of her being around men... She still has many many guy friends.. who she hangs out with and stuff.. I just feel uncomfortable when she is around these people who she has had sex with or been physical.. It makes me think of them being together and their pas together because of the images and details she as given me.. and it makes me cringe..

You should step away from this it's a toxic mess and it's not going to get any better with time.

You are both insecure and you have trust issues and you can't communicate.

Cat is right-nc and work on yourself.

Its not about me being insecure.. She has many guy friends.. Its just that I'm very uncomfortable at friends having sex and then continuing to be best friends.. I mean.. the reason I'm bothered by their friendship is because they have had drunk oral.. the friendship isn't purely platonic..
And she didn't want to start dating him after that night, because she didn't want to lose him as a friend.. because she knew they wouldn't be compatible..
Its just because of the physical aspect that I get bothered by their closeness...
And she dumping me to go call him again as she cares so much for him still is eating me up... Though she didn't call him.. and wants to get back with me now.. I don't know if I should.. as its really messing me up that she still cares so much for him...

You said at the start she made out with him topless... now its oral? Someone that "makes" they're close one cut contact from friends IS someone that is insecure and controlling. Leave this girl alone, she's fighting with you because you made her cut ties with her best friend and then you go and meet up with other women. Why is there one rule for you and another for her? Don't get back with her if you really love her,

Well.. she told me at first that she just went topless.. and weeks later she told me that she went oral.. she doesn't remember going oral.. but the guy told her as she asked him..
I DID NOT make her cut ties... I never wished her to change... she did it as she saw I was uncomfortable.. I told her she can go meet him and whatever.. but please don't ask me to join.. or don't tell me what happens.. I didn't even know she had cut off.. till once we had an argument and she said she had..
Anyway, now that she had.. OF HER OWN WILL.. she suddenly caring for him so much is what's eating me up inside... had she not cut off.. it wouldn't be a problem.. bt she gave me hopes and showed she did sacrifices and made me like her more and more.. for these things.. and now suddenly he messages her and she starts caring. And wanting to call.. and breaks up as she feels bound... and wants to talk to him... I Didn't TIE her. She decided to do all that. And then.. she doesn't end up calling him. Bt wants to get back with me...

Pboy, I don't think you have a basic understanding of emotions. Just because she didn't communicate with her best friend for awhile doesn't mean that she doesn't have the same feelings she did for him (I apologize for getting friend and ex confused in my last post. This is about the best friend. Last month was about the ex-boyfriend.) He is/was her best friend-nothing more. She made that decision before you came into her life.

I think you need to read this entire thread and pay careful attention to your posts.

You say that changing was her choice, but was it really? Look at your own behavior and see how it has affected hers.

Be honest with yourself. You say she could communicate with him as long as you didn't know. However, if she hadn't told you and you found out about it, you would be wanting to accuse her of cheating (emotionally if not physically.)

I wish I could say I saw a future for this relationship, but I can't because I don't. I see two people caught up in a revolving door. The only ways I know of to stop spinning around are 1) step back from each other, Take time to heal and THEN work together to identify and fix the issues BEFORE getting back together or 2) go your separate ways, heal and move on.

Good luck.

well.. I think going our own ways is easier... she keeps mentioning it over n over that it happened with him just Once.. but it pisses me off.. that it did happen.. and if either person valued the friendship so much, they wouldn't have done it..
n Now she drags my younger bro into the fight.. that if I was to choose her over my bro to boost her ego, and I find out that my bro needed help n I couldn't help, how would I feel.. I can't believe she just did that comparison.. had he been a platonic friend I would have helped as well... but they have been physical... and very close... so close that she would compare me n him at first and he would be the topic she'd talk on.. it just made my hatred for him grow.. when she told me they were drunk n physical.. and at first tld me.. they madeout n then months later.. that she went down on him... I can't get it out because of the details she kept giving.. I don't think I can take it anymore...

This is the same problem you were having months ago and were told to leave this situation.
You two are not good with or for each other. Let this be the end of this.
Don't be like a dog returning to his vomit.

If you can't take it anymore,then don't.

yeah.. I have been feeling indifferent towards her since last night.. don't bother what happens now.. because of her comparison of that guy with my brother.. to show the similarity between the care.. and when I got pissed and asked her to not compare.. she goes on to say.. 'why not.. just because I have a sexual history with this guy? He is as dear a friend as your brother is to you.. ' . Wow.. I don't even know what to say after that.. x(.. I have just gone totally 'blah' about it.. just totally indifferent.. and don't know what to do...
Anyway, we were together for so many months as we are very similar on other things.. except the sexual past and holding onto friends thing.. we are very similar.. and 90% telepathic.. we have had complete conversations without uttering a word.. we can tell what the other person is thinking without them saying it.. and it was weird for both of us.. as both of us never experienced anything like this before... that's why we always wanted to make it work.. even now.. she is pissed with me because I was nasty to her after she mentioned my bro but she says she still loves me.. but I have just gone indifferent.. I hated her at first for saying that stuff and for missing and sill caring for that friend so much.. but now I'm just indifferent.. and don't know what to do...

Then you move on with your life and leave this behind you.

Hmmm.. but I'm wondering if its worth throwing away such a bond...

Bond?
It's more like a mutual addiction to drama and pain.

You've been here since early Nov. 2010 and the story doesn't change.

Hopefully,sooner rather than later you will grow tired of this mess.

.. but now im just indifferent.. and dont know what to do...


Yes, once this happens, indifference, then you are on your way to healing and you will find you will be quite comfortable out of this relationship. Sad, but true.

Tick

bond = compatibility on other topics.. having a telepathic bond.. and knowing the other persons mind.. etc..
I don't know if could find a partner like that..
Anyway, I have been here since nov but the issues get resolved and I come back with another problem... now.. it doesn't bother that she called her ex when low... or that she was 'easy' in her past.. now the problem was more about.. if she left that friend for me.. why does she still feel so much care for him..
anyway, I know I may grow tired of this mess but I don't know what to do.. I don't want to break up and hurt her.. but I am a little indifferent now... confused...

Hmmmmm... but is there no way to get over the indifference and have feelings for her again? Does it never happen?

Just because you have a bond with a person, that does not mean you are compatible for a relationship, which your relationship with this woman proves.
This is drama and dysfunction. I don't understand why you two are still together unless you are addicted to it or you don't think you can do better.

Well.. we don't think we can get a bond like this with anyone else... as we hadn't got it ever before in the past.. we are compatible on all counts.. except her past.. she has no issues with mine... though it isn't like hers.. but I was getting over her past as well as those people weren't around her... but suddenly this whole drama started last week with that message and her regret for not being able to help the friend and the care for him... and that's why this fight.. otherwise all was smooth..
And we are kind of addicted to each other...

It is not smooth, as you have been posting here about it for months.
An addiction to each other is not indicative of a healthy relationship.
You obviously don't want to give this up so my guess is you will continue to play this game until one of you wises up and gets tired of it.
It is hard to help a person who does not truly want help, who only wants help with clinging to their addiction.

An addiction to each other is not indicative of a healthy relationship.



It is also dangerous on some levels. Just like an addiction to a substance is. Two people in a relationship like this should not be together. Yes, I agree, very unhealthy.

The length of this post, with the waffling back and forth is also indicative of a person who can't make his own decision to move on to greener pastures.

Tick

it is also dangerous on some levels. Just like an addiction to a substance is. Two people in a relationship like this should not be together. Yes, i agree, very unhealthy.

The length of this post, with the waffling back and forth is also indicative of a person who can't make his own decision to move on to greener pastures.

tick

Agreed,it's a toxic mess.

Hmmmmmmm..
But other than this sexual past thing and her clinging onto it... she is one of the best girls I have met... caring... loving.. and it is rare to find someone who can give up things for you right?
Its just that we got off to a not so proper start.. as in.. I liked her and was infatuated and she wanted to take everything very slow with me and considered me more like someone she had a crush on.. she first wanted to have a fling with me because apparently my family status and rep. is kind of known and she just wanted to be a girl who dated a guy from this this family.(she told me this after she fell for me).. but started liking me more as a friend as we got to know each other (we were at a point when we both wondered if we should continue dating as we have this awesome friendship and didn't want to ruin it) and so she kept talking about her past.. and her stories.. so that I get to know all about her.. as she did with all her good friends.. to share it.. so that I get to know her more as a friend.. but it just made me cringe..
Anyway,she has changed her whole life style for me.. so that's why I was wondering giving her another shot.. but I'm just to 'blah' about it right now to take any decision because of her past and care again in the way.. So maybe I'll take time out and take a break... and then maybe get back.. what say?

I didn't understand. ' two people like this? '.. can u please explain? Thanks...

Pboy, I didn't say 'two people like this'. I said two people In a relationship like this..... Can you understand it now ?

Tick


Pboy, since November 2010 all of the experts here, some not experts but really great at giving good sound relationship advice have given it and you don't seem to get that you have probably bleed us all out regarding your inability to come to grips with the problem you are having with your s/o.

I see it this way; either stay with her and suffer until you can't take anymore, or move on, find someone else, move out of the country, go on a vacation but you have to absolutely give yourself distance from all of the mindfreakout.

Tick

She gives up things for you, you can't stand her past, you have been back and forth with this for months, you two have not even been together that long. This a mess.
Why would anybody have to give up things for a person they have only known a short time? And if you can't stand who she was why are you still there?
I think you are both desperate people trying to cling to something neither of you likes.
Take a break from all of this drama. You might find you both will be OK.

This is going to be the most harsh post on this thread yet.

Grow the hell up. People have pasts and in NO WAY need to justify their past sexual encounters with present and/or future s/o's. You sound controlling and so desperate to belong that you're continuing this pointless thread because you don't want to stop talking about it.

You have received excellent advice for months now and you're too (pardon me) stupid to listen. I usually don't get this upset but at this point I am sick of seeng this thread pop up on my notifications. Get a life, drop this girl, and move on. Plain and simple.

P.S. I will be requesting this thread be closed. This is no longer relevant and is just a rambling attempt by the OP to continue to stand in the light.

This is going no where, so

http://mvny.org/images/closed.gif