My husband and I have been married for over 15+ years, and he's always had trouble maintaining an erection during sex, and even before me.

10 yrs into our marriage, he comes home with a penis piercing, something I had never suggested or commented about. He said he did it to try and improve our sex life. It actually is painful during sex, so he takes out during sex, then puts back in. When asking why he'd still keep it, he said it's stimulating to him.

He used to spend a lot of time with a couple out on the lake, the husband I could not stand. My husband started to emulate this guy's obnoxious behavior so I got to the point of letting them go out, and I'd stay home. Years later, when I mentioned that he started to take on this jerk's characteristics, he said he didn't care for him either, he just hung around him because he wanted to sleep with his wife. He said he never pursued or anything, it was a fantasy.

A few years later, I finally got pregnant through IVF (my problem, not his) and had a high risk pregnancy. I found out (years later), that while I was 6 months pregnant, he brought some sex toys and hid from me for 2 years. The last thing on my mind was sex and risking my pregnancy! And, when he finally showed them to me, an item was broken and he said he was going to surprise me one day, and it broke.

A years after the twins, he asked me if he should have a vasectomy. Really, after 6 years of IVF?

Finally, the lack of quality sex hit got to me. We had an argument, he finally went to the Dr. It's not physical, all the tests proved that. They indicated it was emotional. He then suggested an open marriage, perhaps I could be satisfied and why does sex have to be sacred after all - it'a a sport. I at the time had low self-esteem carrying around 20 extra pounds and stretch marks from the pregnancy.

One time, he came home from a trip to the ranch, and I found a dozen downloaded porn in his bag. What's the big deal, he said. What bothered me most is he hid it from me, for goodness sake we've watched porn together before. And really, do men sit together and watch porn? Grown men? I'm not talking teenagers here.

Then another boy's lake weekend, I ask who's all going, you don't remember who was on the invite. So I asked to look at the invite. He didn't want to show me, I'd be offended at a sexual connotation on the invite. I wonder why...

So, we've lived together complacent now for almost a year. I have no desire to have sex with him, he won't pursue the root of the issue with therapists. I just don't trust him anymore. Am I reading too much into this situation?

Those things all sound like extremely red flags, especially about asking permission for an open marriage. If there's no interest in improvement through counseling, are the two of you happy to leave things as they are and stay married?

Wow, bozo asked you for an open marriage.

I've been married 46 years now and I am sure that if I were to broach suggestion, there would be a blob on the floor where I was standing.

Or I would be attending my own autopsy.

Granted, my Lady is somewhat fixed in her ways and behavior. But that's just part of her charm.

I went to a counselor last week, she felt he was a sexual deviant and if he hasn't confided with me by now, he wasn't going to. Other oddities I didn't mention was that in the past he's wanted to have anal sex with me. I was willing to experiment to see if it would help our sexual situation. It hurt, I told him so and so we don't do that. However, he wanted me to try it on him with a toy he had bought. I did, he was enjoying but it made me sick to my stomach. So, we haven't tried that anymore. I don't want to live this way. I don't want to be the lonely housewife when the kids are grown. I think he doesn't want to face it, because for appearances sake, we are the family that has everything - financially stable, nice home, beautiful kids... But I'm ready to walk away... When I lay out all these facts that raise suspicion in my mind, his response is I understand why you'd think that, but I have not, nor plan to cheat on you. I only want to stay married to you. Really? Neither of us can be happy going on like this.

It sounds like he's homosexual, not a deviant. If he only wants to stay married to you to keep up appearances, you have to decide how much that's worth to you. Either you can do it, or you can't. I wish you the best no matter what you decide to do.

I won't say anything about his sexuality because unless he tells you he is homosexual or bi-sexual, it is assumptions.

Heterosexual males can get pleasure and satisfaction out of having their prostate massaged which is what happens with anal stimulation. For men with erectile issues, it can help them achieve an erection.

I don't think he would be concerned about a vasectomy if he were interested in men.

I think you need to continue counseling and if at all possible he needs to start. It may be the only way he learns to accept himself and stop all the secrecy.

Do you trust him? Do you love him? If he was willing to go to marriage counseling, would you be willing to work with him to improve your marriage or would it be too little too late?

I think you already know that you don't have to stay married to be good parents and raise healthy children. Keeping up appearances makes a better British comedy than a way of life. These days the couples that appear the most stable aren't.

If you want to try to work on the marriage, do not make ultimatums you have no intention of following through on to get him to respond. If you stay, I would suggest that you make counseling a condition.

If you do leave, do your best to make certain that your children do not become the rope in a game of emotional tug-of-war. I don't think you would, but it is easy for divorces to take on lives of their own. If you stay aware of what could happen, you are better able to keep it from happening.

I can't assume he's homosexual; no one can. It can and does happen that one partner will realize an attraction to the opposite sex. It did sound like his idea of fixing the marriage was giving or receiving anal sex, so it would make me wonder to some degree. The type of pornography he was caught with wasn't described, but all the time being spent with the neighbor man made me wonder, too. The vasectomy could have been from a desire not to take any chance on having more children in the marriage, for whatever reason. There are many stories of a pregnancy happening after successful fertility treatment. No one really knows why this can happen, but it does, and in some pretty improbable circumstances, too.

It sounds like there are lots of things this couple isn't on the same page about, and some decisions have to be made about how to go forward, if even one is in enough anguish to start looking for answers.

I got to say the root of the problem is YOUR not being happy with your guy. Maybe that's what needs to be addressed by you both, as I am sure he knows you and him are on different pages in the bedroom. He may be a freaky deaky sort of guy, but I can bet he isn't happy with you in the bedroom either.

Do you have anything good to say about him at all? If you can't then leave. Not fair for either of you to be miserable and faking happiness. You can still be good parents, without the marriage.