I just found out I had a 5 yr old son, the baby's mom never told me, I just received court papers and her name was in them, I never signed the birth Certificate but the reason I have to go to court is because she is on welfare and she named me the father on the claim papers so I'm guessing Welfare wants their money back …. We are due to go to court and I will def be doing a DNA test put if the child is mine can I get full custody of the baby because she is on welfare, Also she has 2 other kids from different dads…

I have my own family I take care of, how will this whole thing affect me financially, don't get me wrong if I could get full custody of the baby I will be raising him and will give him everything I can possibly can but I know when you go through all the courts they will try to squeeze every penny out of you and me and my wife barely make ends meet, she makes most of the money and we also just bought a house so I'm just so frustrated at the fact that me and my wife have been working so hard and sacrificed so much for my son and now everything might go down the drain…. Like I said if that child is mine I will want to take responsibility for it but I also don't want this to effect my current family as well

What kind of questions will the Judge ask me at the hearing

4-5 yrs ago I fathered a son and the mom never told me, until recently I got served with a court order, I guess she got on welfare and named me the father so the court papers I got served with had her information, she is asking for a DNA test and so will I, If I am the father can I get any custody of the baby, will I have to pay back child support? I live in Tx and the mom lives in Ca... by the way she does not want me to pay child support and wants me to give up my right so that her husband now can adopt him legally.

I have my own family I take care of, how will this whole thing affect me financially, don't get me wrong if I could get full custody of the baby I will be raising him and will give him everything I possibly can but I know when you go through all the courts they will try to squeeze every penny out of you and me and my wife barely make ends meet, she makes most of the money and we also just bought a house so I'm just so frustrated at the fact that me and my wife have been working so hard and sacrificed so much for my son and now everything might go down the drain Like I said if that child is mine I will want to take responsibility for it but I also don't want this to effect my current family as well

You are not going to get custody. Although it may not be your fault, the fact remains that you don't even know him.

And I doubt that the court will order retroactive child support, especially if she just went on welfare. The welfare agency is only interested in recouping what it has paid out.

The judge will probably ask you if you are going to consent to the adoption. I question whether an adoption is appropriate if the parents cannot support the child (mother on welfare), but I suppose it's possible.

Well that's another problem I have, I don't know weather or not to give my right over if he is my child, I don't know the kid and the kid has been raised by someone else and in his eyes he is the babies father, and also I have my own family to worry about so I really don't know what to do?? She just doesn't want me to be part of their lifes and I could understand why but she just put me in a real bad situation here!

I was wondering, for my child support hearing next week how will the judge determine how much I would have to pay... if the baby is mine? Will they only base it on my income alone or will my fiance's income be combined as well? Remember I have my son I support as well with my fiancé how will that effect them?

It will be your income alone that makes the determination. After that depending on the state they may or may not take your other child into consideration. In general your obligation (primary) is to the first child then after that it goes down the list.

Will the judge take into mind we just bought our house and we have our own debt, expenses, or will that not matter?

By the way I live in Texas and they live in California.

Will the judge take into mind we just bought our house and we have our own debt, expenses, or will that not matter?

Nope. In fact if your case is out of California they don't care if you live in a cardboard box. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it is the truth. The family court system in California is very strange. The good news is you can get an idea of what to expect from online sources. In California they use a calculator called a Dissomaster. They are available online. You can plug in the numbers and see the outcome. Also they should allow you the deduction for the child if you are currently doing so on your tax returns. If your not then they may or may not allow it.

Im in trouble, if this kid is mine!! They won't even take into consideration I didn't even know about this kid until I got served with a court date a few weeks ago?? By the way thanks for your input I guess I will have to accept whatever the judge determins is fair, if this kid is mine!

Im in trouble, if this kid is mine!!! they wont even take into consideration i didnt even know about this kid until i got served with a court date a few weeks ago??? btw thanks for your input i guess i will have to accept whatever the judge determins is fair, if this kid is mine!

You are getting a DNA test done right?

Oh yes Def!! That's why I'm saying "if the child is mine"

Another thing to remember if you decide to help raise the child and be a part of their life (which I encourage) as far as California is concerned the only time that counts with the child is overnights. So when calculating support the percentage of time with the child is only counted at those times and must be under court order. Also should you get yourself into arrears they charge 10% interest on it. Be careful with that.


Being in another state doesn't preclude you from being a part of your child's life and as far as visitation goes you could work up to summer vacation and other extended holidays allowing for a full relationship to develop.

OK so, if she is on welfare, will that effect me financially, woudnt that put her as an unfit mother? She does have 2 other kids from different dads, should I fight for full custody if that child is mine? Too many questions I think I should just wait until the DNA test is done and then ill go from there!

They go by your income, unless there is joint custody of the child, ( not likely living in different states)

But they use basically a percentage of your gross pay. They will look at other court ordered child support but that is about it.

Agree, they don't care how you live or how you pay YOUR bills, here in GA you will pay about 20 percent of your gross pay.

ok so, if she is on welfare, will that effect me financially, woudnt that put her as an unfit mother? she does have 2 other kids from different dads, should i fight for full custody if that child is mine? Too many questions i think i should just wait until the DNA test is done and then ill go from there!

Some plans need to be laid now as a foundation for what may occur later. Being on welfare doesn't make her an unfit mom in the courts eyes. Also the courts don't like to split up siblings yet it does happen. But if your wanting some sort of physical custody then your going to need a gameplan. Most likely the reason they are coming after you for support is because she is on welfare and the state is trying to recoup the money it is spending.

In California there are 2 types of custody
1) Physical custody (meaning where the child lives or stays)
2) Legal custody (meaning the power to make decisions for your child's benefit )

In most cases legal custody is almost automatic. Most of the fighting occurs around Physical custody. So you will need a reasonable gameplan inorder to get it. You won't fit the "standard" 80/20 split because of living in another state. Also at this point you don't know the child. But being prepared will have its advantage when the time comes. And expect drama.

Here is a link you might want to look at and see how things can go.

California Courts: Self-Help Center: Families & Children: Child, Spousal, & Partner Support (http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/family/support/)

Well I don't know about the drama, the babies mom doesn't want me to pay her anything and doesn't even want me to disturb their "family" but I know its not up to her right, specialy if she is on welfare!! Thanks for the link! Every little bit helps!

They go by your income, unless there is joint custody of the child, ( not likely living in different states)

But they use basicly a percentage of your gross pay. They will look at other court ordered child support but that is about it.

Agree, they don't care how you live or how you pay YOUR bills, here in GA you will pay about 20 percent of your gross pay.



Just as a reminder for those not familier with it. Gross pay is the amount of money you make before taxes are taken out.

Net pay is the number you see on your pay stub and take to the bank. For some there is a significant difference.

Her being on welfare doesn't make her an unfit mother. However, it does make it more likely that the state will aggressively pursue you for support.

You asked a question similar to this one previously, and I'll restate what someone answered before. You have virtually no chance of getting custody away from her unless you can prove that she is a danger to the child. You have said yourself that you just found out about the child... the court is not taking custody away from the mother and giving it to a perfect stranger.

Ok thank you all for all the great advise!!

So I had the hearing and boy were they mean!! They didn't care if I had another family and that I could barely make end meet, we were unable to request the paternity test because according to the courd they had served me with a notice to appear in court few years back and sice I never went that kid atomatically bacomes mine!! I never received no noticed I asked to what address they had send it to and the address they send it to was my moms place and I have not lived there for 5yrs! So I never knew about this, anyway they are charging me 375 amonth, and I told them I just didn't have the money to do that, Im not trying to get out of paying but something more resonable would be better, and I still don't know if that kid is mine!! I have my son and I really spoil him and I don't even spend that much on him a month!! Anyway they have scheduled me for a second hearing in June I was just wondering what that hearing will be about??

If you want sympathy, stop referring to your son as the "kid."

The second Hearing will probably be a review of what you've paid (if your in accordance with the law and with Court Orders) as well as a possible financial review.

The notice was sent to your mother's address? She got it and never told you? If it's mailed and not returned it's considered delivered.

Here you were arguing whether to sign papers so the child can be adopted. What happened to that idea? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/family-law/child-support-hearing-560844.html#post2734291

If you want out from child support, that's the way to do it.

Merged the 4 threads started by lee.

Well fist of all I think I need to first find out if this kid is min or not... and if its my son then no I don't want to get out of paying child support but wow they charge a arm and a leg, like I said I have a son of my own and we spoil him and I don't even spend that much on him a month, anyway I guess the only thing we can do is a DNA test on the side and if it comes out I'm not the father then it's a different processes and paper work I would have to do, but for right now the judge is considering the kid to be mine!! As far as the adoption I don't think I could live with myself knowing I have a son out there and I just gave him up that easily, but then again poor kid he knows only one person as his father and that's, that girls husband and I don't want to confuse the kid either, its just soooo complicated like I said first step would be to do a DNA test on the side and go from there,

Thanks for the reply

Keep using the word "kid" for the child who MIGHT be yours and "son" for the child you "know" is yours and you're going to lose in Court.

Just for the record child support keeps a roof over the child's head, shoes on his feet and food on his table. How much do you think that costs a month? Why do you think only the mother (in this case) should pay those expenses?

Child support - in most cases - doesn't SPOIL the child. It PROVIDES for the child. If you SPOIL your son, then you cut back on the spoiling and provide food and shelter for the other child.

And this is a warning to all men who don't keep their pants on - not that the woman isn't responsible; just saying it takes two and she's the one who can't walk away because, minimally, she goes through 9 months of a pregnancy.

Trust me I know how much kids cost I do have a son of my own, and only because this girl decides to tell me 5 yrs later I might have a son does not mean I will cut back on spoiling MY son, If she would have told me since the beginning I would have not been in this situation, Im not a dead beat dad! I take care of my own I work like a dog to provide for my fiancé and my son, I just don't think this is fair and I don't think is fair for that kid either!

What isn't fair for that kid either? That his father doesn't want to support him?

That his father has at least two out of wedlock children and can't afford "him"?

That two adults couldn't communicate X number of years ago?

Judy, that's exactly what I said in my comment that it wasent fair for that kid as well! And like I said I still don't know if that kid is fine and if you read all my comments!! I don't mind supporting him if I knew he was mine!! I just don't think that the system is fair... how could it be that, that girl has 3 other kids and is on welfare and is married and when I went to court they gave her more credit because she had more kids but yet they didn't consider my son!?

I'm not going to argue with you. You asked for legal advice. You got it.

This is why men should keep their pants on. Was she on Welfare with other kids when she was having sex with you?

Has your son been DNA tested so you know 100% that he's "yours"?

Your right no need to argue! Thanks for the advice, and I will not your questions because that's none of your business, and not all guys are the same, Im trying to do the right thing here and only because I gave out MY opinions on how the system isent always fair, there's no need for you to put men down.

your right no need to argue! thanks for the advice, and I will not your questions because thats none of your business, and not all guys are the same, Im trying to do the right thing here and only because I gave out MY opinions on how the system isent always fair, theres no need for you to put men down.


No more info, no more answers. Time to close this thread.

leee22 does not find this helpful : because she got off topic


Revenge reddie!

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

I just caught up with this thread. You haven't told us the circumstances of your breakup. Apparently it wasn't too long after you had sex with her if you had no idea she was pregnant.

It sounds to me like the mother doesn't want anything from you, but was forced to file so the state could recover what it has been paying to support the mother and her child.

But frankly, something doesn't ring true here. If the mother currently has a husband who wants to adopt its hard to imagine they are on welfare.

But, be that as it may, I suspect you went into the hearing without legal counsel. And that's probably why you got treated so meanly. Had you consulted an attorney he would have prepared you better. He would have known about the previous notice and might have been able to do something about it.

I'm not sure what you can do about it now except pay what the court orders.

Finally someone who understands!! The girls current husband doesn't have a job and that's why she is on welfare and I was never with that girl we were high school friends and we messed around for like a month... that was my biggest mistake, but I will deal with it... and I just don't have money to go to a attorney, so that's why Im here to see if someone might help me... but yes you are right the mother doesn't want anything from me

How about this part of Scott's post: "But frankly, something doesn't ring true here. If the mother currently has a husband who wants to adopt its hard to imagine they are on welfare.

But, be that as it may, I suspect you went into the hearing without legal counsel. And that's probably why you got treated so meanly. Had you consulted an attorney he would have prepared you better. He would have known about the previous notice and might have been able to do something about it.

I'm not sure what you can do about it now except pay what the court orders."

If you were never with her then you can't be the child's father. Now I'm confused about that part of the question.