HELP! My boyfriend, who lives with me has a 14 year old boy who has wreaked havoc on my family of 3 daughters, ages 14,11,9. His son visits every other weekend, and has caused problems for all of us. He lies, totally disrespects my kids as well as his father, and treats people like crap. He seems to be very jealous that his dad spends almost more time with my girls than he does with him. So this past weekend, the son lost his I-Touch (given to him by his mom, yet another reward for doing poorly in school). He's panicking looking for it, even went so far as to go through the trash to find it, when, after telling my 9 yr old he thought my 11 yr old took it, it magically appears in her room and in her backpack. My boyfriend is accusing my daughter, I am positive his son planted it. Once before, his dad had taken the I-Touch away as punishment, put it in his drawer. The son took it back, then pretended he didn't know what happened to it, lying straightfaced to his dad. My 11 yr old has had a very good relationship with my boyfriend, always positive and helpful and fun. She has NEVER ever stolen anything, maintains good grades, is morally sound, and as made huge attempts to forgive the son's past behavior, like stealing 20$ from her room (never proven). It has damaged the relationship my daughters had with my boyfriend, the son.. and between us HELP!! If I had ANY reason to believe my daughter has done it, I would've addressed her swiftly and harshly, however, I am just not convinced. HELP!

"He seems to be very jealous that his dad spends almost more time with my girls than he does with him. "

There's your problem. Your kids are in the home much more often than the son is, so OF COURSE your boyfriend is spending more time with them--there's no "almost" about it. Any boy that age would have a hard time with it.

Your solution is to make it so that these two can spend more time together than they have been, even if that means it costs you time with your boyfriend. It's the right thing to do.

Also, try not to focus on the boy's mother's flaws. It doesn't help.

I don't focus on her flaws, I focus on what we can do to right the situation. After many, many attempts, he continues to behave like this. If my boyfriend tries to spend time with his son one on one, the son ruins it every single time. He's disrespectful and complains constantly. It's a shame to see what's happening to this kid, as well as how it's affecting all of our relationships.

My Uncle has a really, really difficult teenage son. He and his fiancé have held off moving in together and getting married until his son is 18 and he can kick him out (it seems harsh, I know, but truly this child is a nightmare). The fact is, my Uncle wants to provide a wonderful life for his future wife and her young children, but right now he can't. His number one priority is trying to finish raising an extremely difficult child and sending him off into the world in the best shape possible. So he has two goals: to bring his new family in to a stress-free environment in a couple years, and to focus on his current family without involving others.

Maybe you and your boyfriend should discuss the possibility of him focusing more on his son and mending any damage to the relationship. I can't imagine how hard it would have been for me at 14 to see my father spending so much time with other children. I know he's being unfair and lashing out, but I think more than discipline he needs attention, love, and understanding from his father. He's so young and I feel for him. That isn't to say I don't feel for you and your daughters.

You say the son ruins his time with father consistently. That's something for the two of them to work on, and if it means the two of them talk to a counselor, then make it happen. That would do something to right the situation.

What I meant about not focusing on his mother is, don't even talk about what you think she does wrong regarding what she buys him or what she does. Just don't even go there.

I feel for the boy. It can't be a good feeling to suddenly have to share his dad with dad's girlfriend and her three daughters.

He has tried everything. I suggested counseling 6 months ago, and dad has made no attempts to get it resolved. The son just lashes out whenever he feels like it. His sister (also 9 yrs old) has confided in my daughters that sometimes he will just randomly walk up to her and kick her. They are left unattended by Mom often from what it sounds like. Dad knows his son has a problem, but won't take necessary steps to get him help. My only concern at this point is for my daughters, who are being affected. I have to put locks on their doors to prevent him from being able to continue this manipulation. I feel bad for my 11 yr old, because she has been nothing but nice to this kid, and he does what he can to knock her down. I am afraid his issues are much more deeply seated than what we can help with. And if Dad won't get him to counseling, my hands are tied.

I do empathize with him very much, but his behavior is affecting my family now too, and their relationships with his Dad. This has been going on for almost 1 1/2 years, so this is nothing new. It just seems the offenses are getting worse, the lying is getting worse, and the people being blamed are all wrong. If I really felt in my heart my daughter was lying to me, I would be on her like white on rice. But she was SO upset, and so angry that he would accuse her of doing something she knows is wrong. My boyfriend has made attempts to connect with his son on many occasions, and the son continues to disrespect him and display this sense of "entitlement", and make his Dad feel guilty. Most times it works. Dad does feel bad he isn't there more for his son, but every attempt that's made is shot down with resentment and anger. We introduced our families together gradually over time, to make the transition easier on everyone. I have overextended myself to this boy, as have my girls.

From your replies it sounds like he is really troubled (beyond lying and manipulative--he's physically abusive) and needs professional help. I don't understand why the father isn't pursuing it. Hopefully you won't have to break up over it, but you may have to for your childrens' sake. Your daughters really don't deserve this treatment, especially when you two aren't even married.

Well, marriage is in the plan someday, hopefully.. I am not sure why he won't pursue it either. Maybe feeling guilty for failing him in some way, divorcing his mom... who knows. But feeling guilty isn't going to help him. My girls are all upset that they behave, do well, try to help, and the treatment they receive with the Dad automatically taking his son's side (regardless of his behavior) is unfair. I feel like if this kid doesn't get help soon, he will become even more out of control. It's not even about the damn I-Touch--it's the principal, it's the cry for help, it's the jealousy that concerns me. He is so angry and tennagery already, this isn't helping. And my boyfriend adamantly defends him, regardless of past behaviors/disrespect/etc.. It's so sad, because the rest of us are really really happy, and I don't want this CHILD thinking he rules the roost.

Maybe you and he should go to couples' counseling, since this seems like it could be a huge marital issue. It certainly sounds like it's doing relationship damage. He may not even want to think about marriage with all this stuff going on with his son, and you have to wonder if on some level the son is driving a wedge just to prevent a remarriage.

Wishing you the best of luck with whatever comes next.

Yeah, I am SURE that is the motivation. He has asked dad many times when we are breaking up.. Thanks for your comments and feedback.