We have taken in our 16 year old daughter's 17 year old boyfriend to our home due to his home issues, (abuse). They are planning on getting married and we acknowledge this to be true. Both are good kids, but we wonder if we are doing the right thing. We are Christians who find it our obligation to help him, but are we projecting a problem for their relationship? Should we give him a date to find another place to go, knowing that he has none? Looking for feedback please.

I would NOT give any blessings OR support them if they plan on getting married.

Lay down the law that if they are in a position to marry, then they are in a position to support themselves. And stick to it.

If you support them then you become an enabler to their irresponsibility, rather than being a teacher and setting an example of priorities and responsibilities all responsible adults must follow.

We agree. We have insisted upon them paying rent and providing us with a written budget, etc. We agree with what you said; our problem is that we do not want to simply put this child on the street. They are committed... both have excellent grades in school, (actually graduating 1 year early-my daughter). Both have jobs and income. We are just confused as they are doing it all to have a successful life together, but we struggle with them being in the same home for the next 6 months. There is obviously a lot to this and it is not so cut and dry. I appreciate your input!!

First, you cannot take this boy in without his parent's approval. Even if they threw him out that was illegal of them. You cannot be legally responsible for him and he cannot be legally responsible for himself. When he turns 18 that becomes a different story. I understand and applaud your compassion, but there are legal issues that you need to consider.

I think this boy has to deal with his parent until he is 18 or go to a shelter or into foster care until then.

Unlike other parents. (most in fact) I have no problem with 16,17 year olds deciding they want to be married.
HOWEVER, there is no reason that they cannot be engaged for a few years until they are adults. I would NOT allow to GET married. But they can make their plans, be engaged, and then as adults if they still want to be married, then they can do it.

How are they going to pay rent? They are minors, cannot enter into contract, and in some states can't even have a job.

Thank you all! It is such a difficult situation. Yes, we had decided to have a sit down with the young man and tell him that we support him and believe in him, but that his parents are still legally obligated to him and therefore, he should return home. We KNOW this will NOT work due to the circumstances and of course, we know that foster care or other alternative is the only answer, WHICH we have the problem with. We do not want to see him wisked off to a foster home for 6 months until he is 18. They have both been responsible in the sense of saving money for a place of their own, but we are in Kentucky and they can not rent a place and live on their own until 18. They both have jobs and actually do have an income that will support them. In addition, they are presently saving for this wedding in Sept of 2011. We are just confused and worried that once we have this conversation, we will be right back to where we are now with them both living under the same roof for the next six months. I guess, we could look at it as we did discuss and set the bounderies and alternatives. We just do not know and do not want to create more harm. Thank you all so very much for your input... it is and continues to be helpful!

I would go to social services and talk to them. If he is in an abusive situation, you may be able to get temporary guardianship until he turns 18.

Have you actually talked to this boy's parents?

If the only information you are aware of is what your daughter, and her boyfriend tell you, how do you know that it isn't beefed up in order for them to be together?

They are conveniently planning a wedding, and saving money for it, while living in your home, which also seems suspicious to me.

You have an obligation only to raise your own daughter, who is a teenager, she's not 25 years old, with an established career, and independent of mom and dad to provide for her. And her boyfriend is in the same boat, only added to this is his estrangement from his parents.

It would make more sense to me if they were just friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend. I just sense that there is a back door plan here, and you are possibly being played like a fiddle.

While you struggle with doing the right thing, they have everything they want, without having to grow up and provide for it themselves. The cart before he horse seems to apply a little here.

And, you are enabling them, by thinking you are doing the right thing, and my opinion is, you are not. He should be working out his problems with his parents, and I suspect that, unless you know otherwise, the abuse could very well be the 'reason' for the two of them convincing you to allow them to be in your home in the first place.

Please speak directly to his parents, as you should, not only because he is a minor, but because it is the right thing to do. Try not to make any presumptions, or plan too far ahead, until you know the truth.

And, be open to all possible reasons this is happening in the first place. You could be being played, and are inadvertently contributing and supporting a plan by the two of them, that but for the truth, you wouldn't be.

And Jake makes a very good point... Spend time on these forums long enough and you see plenty of teens with unwarranted hostility towards their family because their family actually were trying to instill discipline and the kids think once they are 13 they can and should be able to do anything they want... absent anyone telling them otherwise. And its easy to tell which ones they are, because they listen to nobody else's advice and seek affirmation only in their viewpoint. So they throw the abuse card around to anyone that will listen. When many times its them who is doing the abusing.

While what he claims might be true... its also possible its purely fictitious because he's upset his parents tried to do their job and make him cool his heels before he gets your daughter pregnant.

Unless you know them (his parents) personally, and well odds are you really don't know what the real truth is.

And we all know kids that age are far from ready to make those sorts of decisions... they feel that way now but when they go through the rather substantial maturing process between now and their early 20's. Odds are they aren't going to see things or each other the same as they do now.