I've been married for almost 18 yrs and we have 2 children boys aged 16 and 9.
It was about 3 yrs ago that my husband got his dream job. It meant a lot of changes for us and at the time we were excited.
I had no idea three years later how down and miserable I would be.
Since he took the job, its non stop work. He took on a horrible shift of 2pm-10pm which means he barely seen the children or me. Then he was told to take courses to better secure his position ( he is a teacher) so he was then gone from 7am-11pm 5 days a week. He insisted this would be temporary and he was only doing it to better his career which in return will better our lives.
This continued for about 6 months and when the day course ended he was back to his 2-10 shift. However not even 3 months after this ended he agreed to do double shifts at work to cover someone elses's absence.

He was then told to begin university courses to further his education so now he is also gone on weekends as well.
It seems like its never ending with him. No matter what I say or plead with him to show us some attention nothing ever changes. Because he is gone so much, I had no choice but to quit my job, focus on the kids as they need a parent here and he is never here.
To show you how bad it is, my appendix ruptured and he did not even come to the hospital after I told him I was being wheeled into surgery.
I am sorry this is long, but I am baffled, he is never here, contributes nothing to my life and the lives of our children, he keeps working and doing schooling non stop with each one promising to be the last time or that this extra education is necessary for his job security but it never ends.
I have tried to be supportive, I have tried to be understanding and I have tried to see things from his view but after 3 yrs and so much neglect I can't stand my life anymore. What little time we see each other is all fighting now and I feel like I can't have a life because I am so busy attending to his. I do not know what to do.

I know it must be very hard to adjust to, not having your husband around, and would be furious if my spouse never showed up when I had to go to the hospital.

But I think you should be a bit more supportive of his efforts to provide his family with security, and a better future by working hard now. True maybe there is a disconnect for now, but it may not be forever, and with college coming, somebody has to work.

Maybe you don't like the idea of giving up your own career, but that's a temporary thing also, so I think you talk, and get through this as it could work well in the future, and after 18 years, what's a few years of muddling through for the greater goal later.

You could divorce him I suppose, but then who is there for your kids, when you HAVE to work, and support yourself. So he does bring something valuable to the table, and works hard for you all, just in case you have forgotten that part.

So you are saying I should suck it up? I should be more supportive then I already am to a man who is never here, never helps with the kids, never sees them. Has missed YEARS of their lives to the point my teenager hates him now. Forced me to give up my career to follow his own and puts 0 effort into us while he is home?

I would love to know. What could I possibly do more then I am already doing?

If you are so unhappy, you leave, or tell him to leave and do your own thing. I can only go by what you wrote and that this started 3 years ago, when he found a dream job, and yours had to stop.

Do you have more info? Look, I have been through many trials, and tribulations and after every glitch, there is a healing, and that's just the cycle of life sometimes. It comes down to what you can, and cannot cope with.

Stop fighting. Work on better communications. If need be, find a counselor to help you work through your anger and frustration.

When he started this job, did he try to be a part of the family or did he stop trying at that point? Doesn't he have any time off? What does he do on weekends or before he goes to work (when he isn't working double shifts or in school?)

Do you have any life outside of the house? Do you have friends and family you get out with? What steps have you taken to mitigate the damage? Do look to him for all of your emotional and mental support?

Your older son supposedly 'hates' his father. How much of that is from feeding on your frustrations?

If you had a plan set before you of what he is trying to do would that help you feel better about what is happening now? Have the two of you sat down and tried planning for the future? Stop getting promises. Start getting plans that are written out.

It sounds like he is trying to make up for lost time and learning as much as he can as quickly as he can. In a way, I can understand that need. Today's economy is still very volatile and job security is hard to find and keep. If he doesn't keep up this pace, is his job in jeopardy?

All of that does not excuse him from pulling away from his family and you. IF that is what he did. It can be a fine line between pulling away and being pushed away. If he is pulling away there is little you can do other then let him know (without blame or confrontation) that his actions are hurting the family. Give him space and time to come back emotionally and mentally. If you have been allowing your frustrations to push him away, can you find ways to encourage him to become involved again? Would marriage counseling be a possible way to get you both communicating?

I can understand his desire to provide a better life for his family, but there is a line that can be crossed, and where that line is differs from family to family.

He may think he is doing the "right" thing, but if the family is having such difficulty with the absences, the better life makes little difference in the long run. The kids will remember him not being around, not that they got extra cable channels or whatever the "better" life includes.

What does he do in academia that requires so much additional training to secure his job position? Is the competition really that heavy that he is in jeopardy of losing his position? What is he striving for... some type of advancement?