tauntobr
Feb 17, 2011, 12:46 AM
Hello everyone, thanks for taking the time to help, I appreciate it!
My situation is as follows:
I'm 23, so is my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I have been together now for just about three years. We met in our second year of university and have since graduated June 2010. At that point we were together for two years and two months.
Also, we are each other's first lovers and have discussed marriage and a possible future together.
After graduating, I decided to apply to the Military and she took a job at a camp for the summer and also was accepted to be an English assistant in France for a year. We knew this was coming already, and in fact had "broken up" for two weeks in March 2010.
I was the one who initially said "I love you, but you're going to France, I don't think we should try to maintain the relationship". She agreed and we broke up.
Two weeks later (we were both miserable, she especially - we really loved each other) she asks me to meet her for a talk. I oblige, and she tells me she thinks we're making a mistake, and that we might be able to make the long distance relationship work (it's only for 7 months) and that we have nothing to lose if we're willing to just end it without trying.
She hooked me by telling me that if I said no, that she would remove all contact between us (I really loved her and still do).
So... regretfully, I say "sure, I agree that we're missing out on an opportunity by cutting it short".
Fast forward to today:
We have 4 months to go in our long distance period. We've been apart for 8 months if you count the time apart for her camp job.
It has gone well for the most part, the first few months were relatively easy and uneventful - we met up for one weekend each month, and we talked every day, and things went well. While she was at camp.
She left for France late September, and things started all right. However, around November she was talking about cheating. For background, we established long ago, early in the relationship that this was an exclusive relationship, absolutely no outsiders.
So, every couple weeks starting in mid to late November she would somehow bring up cheating, or marriage, and totally challenge my views on both. Randomly she would tell me that cheating's not a big deal, or marriage is meaningless and she knows that these are both very important to me.
Anyway, as time passes she tells me she wants to be honest and admits that she's been feeling like cheating. She tells me she misses physical intimacy and really gets the urge to kiss guys and be promiscuous. This gets me upset and we get quite emotional, eventually she apologizes and assures me she won't ever do anything.
We decide to have a vacation together over Christmas. We spent 10 days visiting London, Paris and Blois (the town where she is teaching). On day 3 in the evening we visit a pub in London somewhere and I get her a little drunk. She starts babbling about kissing other guys and eventually admits to kissing another guy just last week.
I get furious and we get back to the hotel and she's crying and all upset, she telling me she's sorry and that she loves me, and not to leave her.
I just undress and get into bed, my back turned to her and slowly talk... I tell her to promise me right there that nothing like this would ever happen again, and that she would control herself until she returned to Canada. She asks me to admit that she can't control the future and that the relationship may not work out regardless, and that she doesn't want to take responsibility in that case. I just tell her to agree, and she does.
I tell her that I'm only giving her this chance because I love her and want to be with her, and love deserves another chance. She agrees and apologizes more. I ask her to not speak of it again so we can get past it and enjoy the rest of our short time together.
Merely days after returning home (the rest of the trip going fairly well), she tells me she doesn't know what to do, and that she's not sure if she loves me.
We talk it out, work it out etc with passionate conversation, eventually getting her to agree and say okay, I love you, I'll keep working at this. This happens almost biweekly up until today.
It's now a few days after Valentine's. We talk on Valentine's and she received the flowers I had sent her (from overseas!) and things go well at first. She then starts to get upset about her not giving me anything. She breaks down and says she doesn't know if she loves me, and that she tried to write me a card for Valentines and she couldn't think of what to say. She said she wants to be free, not tied down by my future military job, and that she wants to continue travelling and working abroad. She also wants to have more relationships before settling down.
She tells me she wants to settle down with me, she just doesn't want to settle down yet.
She's not sure what she wants to do, because she does love me and does like the idea of moving to western Canada with me. She thinks it wouldn't be fair to tell me she'll come out west with me when she isn't sure she loves me in the present.
Throughout all this I have argued my own points, like "we will be able to travel together, you won't be giving it up" but she won't accept any reasonable offer or suggestion I give. Today was the 16th, and we talked again, got to about the same point.
I called her from work and she suggested we take a couple days to ourselves to try to figure things out more. I left the request unanswered and ended the conversation. I decided throughout the work shift that I was going to bring this to a close tomorrow.
Likely tomorrow we will be breaking up. I have decided that instead of letting her have control and continue to dangle me around like she has been, I'm setting my hopes of a future with her to set things straight. I will be telling her to tell me right there to decide if this has a chance or not. If not, it's over. Perhaps even if she says it has a chance I may end it anyway. I'm tired of this and as much as I will hate not having her in my life, I can't continue living this roller coaster.
Also for background: I'm living with my parents ATM working full time in manufacturing while I wait for an answer from the Navy. My parents live in a small town and all my school friends have long moved out. I'm quite lonely already, and losing my girlfriend is going to exacerbate it even more.
My questions:
- Do you believe I'm taking a good course of action? What else might you recommend or do differently?
- What can I do to help me get through the period of heartbreak - remember I live in a small town with no local friends and no way to get anywhere.
My situation is as follows:
I'm 23, so is my girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I have been together now for just about three years. We met in our second year of university and have since graduated June 2010. At that point we were together for two years and two months.
Also, we are each other's first lovers and have discussed marriage and a possible future together.
After graduating, I decided to apply to the Military and she took a job at a camp for the summer and also was accepted to be an English assistant in France for a year. We knew this was coming already, and in fact had "broken up" for two weeks in March 2010.
I was the one who initially said "I love you, but you're going to France, I don't think we should try to maintain the relationship". She agreed and we broke up.
Two weeks later (we were both miserable, she especially - we really loved each other) she asks me to meet her for a talk. I oblige, and she tells me she thinks we're making a mistake, and that we might be able to make the long distance relationship work (it's only for 7 months) and that we have nothing to lose if we're willing to just end it without trying.
She hooked me by telling me that if I said no, that she would remove all contact between us (I really loved her and still do).
So... regretfully, I say "sure, I agree that we're missing out on an opportunity by cutting it short".
Fast forward to today:
We have 4 months to go in our long distance period. We've been apart for 8 months if you count the time apart for her camp job.
It has gone well for the most part, the first few months were relatively easy and uneventful - we met up for one weekend each month, and we talked every day, and things went well. While she was at camp.
She left for France late September, and things started all right. However, around November she was talking about cheating. For background, we established long ago, early in the relationship that this was an exclusive relationship, absolutely no outsiders.
So, every couple weeks starting in mid to late November she would somehow bring up cheating, or marriage, and totally challenge my views on both. Randomly she would tell me that cheating's not a big deal, or marriage is meaningless and she knows that these are both very important to me.
Anyway, as time passes she tells me she wants to be honest and admits that she's been feeling like cheating. She tells me she misses physical intimacy and really gets the urge to kiss guys and be promiscuous. This gets me upset and we get quite emotional, eventually she apologizes and assures me she won't ever do anything.
We decide to have a vacation together over Christmas. We spent 10 days visiting London, Paris and Blois (the town where she is teaching). On day 3 in the evening we visit a pub in London somewhere and I get her a little drunk. She starts babbling about kissing other guys and eventually admits to kissing another guy just last week.
I get furious and we get back to the hotel and she's crying and all upset, she telling me she's sorry and that she loves me, and not to leave her.
I just undress and get into bed, my back turned to her and slowly talk... I tell her to promise me right there that nothing like this would ever happen again, and that she would control herself until she returned to Canada. She asks me to admit that she can't control the future and that the relationship may not work out regardless, and that she doesn't want to take responsibility in that case. I just tell her to agree, and she does.
I tell her that I'm only giving her this chance because I love her and want to be with her, and love deserves another chance. She agrees and apologizes more. I ask her to not speak of it again so we can get past it and enjoy the rest of our short time together.
Merely days after returning home (the rest of the trip going fairly well), she tells me she doesn't know what to do, and that she's not sure if she loves me.
We talk it out, work it out etc with passionate conversation, eventually getting her to agree and say okay, I love you, I'll keep working at this. This happens almost biweekly up until today.
It's now a few days after Valentine's. We talk on Valentine's and she received the flowers I had sent her (from overseas!) and things go well at first. She then starts to get upset about her not giving me anything. She breaks down and says she doesn't know if she loves me, and that she tried to write me a card for Valentines and she couldn't think of what to say. She said she wants to be free, not tied down by my future military job, and that she wants to continue travelling and working abroad. She also wants to have more relationships before settling down.
She tells me she wants to settle down with me, she just doesn't want to settle down yet.
She's not sure what she wants to do, because she does love me and does like the idea of moving to western Canada with me. She thinks it wouldn't be fair to tell me she'll come out west with me when she isn't sure she loves me in the present.
Throughout all this I have argued my own points, like "we will be able to travel together, you won't be giving it up" but she won't accept any reasonable offer or suggestion I give. Today was the 16th, and we talked again, got to about the same point.
I called her from work and she suggested we take a couple days to ourselves to try to figure things out more. I left the request unanswered and ended the conversation. I decided throughout the work shift that I was going to bring this to a close tomorrow.
Likely tomorrow we will be breaking up. I have decided that instead of letting her have control and continue to dangle me around like she has been, I'm setting my hopes of a future with her to set things straight. I will be telling her to tell me right there to decide if this has a chance or not. If not, it's over. Perhaps even if she says it has a chance I may end it anyway. I'm tired of this and as much as I will hate not having her in my life, I can't continue living this roller coaster.
Also for background: I'm living with my parents ATM working full time in manufacturing while I wait for an answer from the Navy. My parents live in a small town and all my school friends have long moved out. I'm quite lonely already, and losing my girlfriend is going to exacerbate it even more.
My questions:
- Do you believe I'm taking a good course of action? What else might you recommend or do differently?
- What can I do to help me get through the period of heartbreak - remember I live in a small town with no local friends and no way to get anywhere.