maybemrtoonice
Feb 12, 2011, 04:45 PM
I will try to keep my story from rambling, but I feel it all puts things into context.
I am 27, 25 when we met, she is 24, 21 turning 22 when we met. We had a very passionate, fun filled start to our relationship, and were brought together by my full time employment ending at the same time as she finished university. Also complicating things for the long term, was this being her first serious relationship, me being her first lover, and not to mention family talk of us eventually marrying. We spent much of the summer going on road trips, spending time at the cottage, and just having a blast.
Fall of that year, her father suddenly passed away, and things were sprung into a very serious state, as I started spending nearly every night with at her home (she no longer lived with her mother) and commuting to my new job from there, as well as becoming quite involved and close with her mother, younger siblings, and extended family, who were all shaken by her father's passing.
Unfortunately, by this summer, my contract had expired, which was not a great reflection on me, and I noticed a distance in her. She started her graduate studies, and by the fall, nearly a year to the date of her father's passing, she asked for a break, of 2 months, which morphed into 6 months of time to be sure about things. The only explanation was a sense of resentment of me in the relationship. There were still weekly contacts, some conversations being light hearted and fun like we had always been, others she was tense and distant. I had had enough of the roller coaster, and asked her to consider my feelings in all of this.
Then came our break up just before the new year. Her reasoning was that she felt she didn't want to drag this on for another 4 months, and she felt the break up was inevitable, that she couldn't see us getting married.
I had already come to the realization we were likely through, so I wasn't particularly phased. She gave me the usual, I want to be friends, I love you and care deeply for you but don't think I am in love with you, I want you in my life. I told her that was unlikely because my feelings for her and opinion of our compatibility hadn't changed. When I dropped her off at home, she was the one sobbing and I was the cold one who just drove off.
Over the nearly two months since then, I messaged her once, to be civil, and wish her a Happy Birthday which was a week after the break up, declining to speak or to meet up to grab some items she had boxed up for me.
I took my space and decided I was going to move on, given the fact that she had gone through a personal tragedy and her personality will never be the same, being a first love, any problems would only breed uncertainty, and that I needed the freedom of burdens of the emotions I was sharing with her through her grieving process.
I had focused on myself, pushing hard for a career I wanted, organizing a hockey team again(something I had been talking about for years), and really reflecting on myself to feel like a happier person, even going as far as to talking to my parents about issues there are in our relationship.
Things were complicated a bit when she texted me several weeks ago to comment on my sisters engagement, and segued into saying once I could be pals we should catch up because she really misses talking to me. I didn't know what to say and her texts so she rambled apologies. Conversation ended with me saying I knew I had the final decision of when or if we spoke. A week later she approached my sister on campus (they attend the same university) in a very awkward exchange.
This week, she messaged me again, to tell me she thought she should tell me about her mother selling the house she had been living in, then saying she wouldn't mind being able to talk everything through. I said I just wanted to move on, and also that her contacting me, while I liked to hear from her one level, I felt set me back. I told her I felt like we both needed this to happen, since I looked at my life and relationships and wanted to be a less tense, and happier person, and she needed to repair relationships with her mother and friends. The conversation ended up continuing into me telling her some of the exciting news,and was really focused on making my life happier. Her reaction was excitement, saying I sounded new and improved, and saying our talk had motivated her to do some awesome things in her life since I sounded so pumped about life.
She asked me to come pick up some stuff, like dvds that I had left over there, so they didn't end up in storage, and seemed very friendly about things.
I am just wondering if anyone has any unbiased insight. I want to move on and I know I don't need her to be happy, but at the same time, I care deeply about her, and do not begrudge her for feeling confused, given the situation. I don't want to totally turn my back on her because this was truly a time of healing she needed, and a time that I needed to improve upon myself as well. If this is her reaching out, and this is a way to keep the hope of us alive in a non pressured situation, I am not opposed to it.
Sorry for the novel!
I am 27, 25 when we met, she is 24, 21 turning 22 when we met. We had a very passionate, fun filled start to our relationship, and were brought together by my full time employment ending at the same time as she finished university. Also complicating things for the long term, was this being her first serious relationship, me being her first lover, and not to mention family talk of us eventually marrying. We spent much of the summer going on road trips, spending time at the cottage, and just having a blast.
Fall of that year, her father suddenly passed away, and things were sprung into a very serious state, as I started spending nearly every night with at her home (she no longer lived with her mother) and commuting to my new job from there, as well as becoming quite involved and close with her mother, younger siblings, and extended family, who were all shaken by her father's passing.
Unfortunately, by this summer, my contract had expired, which was not a great reflection on me, and I noticed a distance in her. She started her graduate studies, and by the fall, nearly a year to the date of her father's passing, she asked for a break, of 2 months, which morphed into 6 months of time to be sure about things. The only explanation was a sense of resentment of me in the relationship. There were still weekly contacts, some conversations being light hearted and fun like we had always been, others she was tense and distant. I had had enough of the roller coaster, and asked her to consider my feelings in all of this.
Then came our break up just before the new year. Her reasoning was that she felt she didn't want to drag this on for another 4 months, and she felt the break up was inevitable, that she couldn't see us getting married.
I had already come to the realization we were likely through, so I wasn't particularly phased. She gave me the usual, I want to be friends, I love you and care deeply for you but don't think I am in love with you, I want you in my life. I told her that was unlikely because my feelings for her and opinion of our compatibility hadn't changed. When I dropped her off at home, she was the one sobbing and I was the cold one who just drove off.
Over the nearly two months since then, I messaged her once, to be civil, and wish her a Happy Birthday which was a week after the break up, declining to speak or to meet up to grab some items she had boxed up for me.
I took my space and decided I was going to move on, given the fact that she had gone through a personal tragedy and her personality will never be the same, being a first love, any problems would only breed uncertainty, and that I needed the freedom of burdens of the emotions I was sharing with her through her grieving process.
I had focused on myself, pushing hard for a career I wanted, organizing a hockey team again(something I had been talking about for years), and really reflecting on myself to feel like a happier person, even going as far as to talking to my parents about issues there are in our relationship.
Things were complicated a bit when she texted me several weeks ago to comment on my sisters engagement, and segued into saying once I could be pals we should catch up because she really misses talking to me. I didn't know what to say and her texts so she rambled apologies. Conversation ended with me saying I knew I had the final decision of when or if we spoke. A week later she approached my sister on campus (they attend the same university) in a very awkward exchange.
This week, she messaged me again, to tell me she thought she should tell me about her mother selling the house she had been living in, then saying she wouldn't mind being able to talk everything through. I said I just wanted to move on, and also that her contacting me, while I liked to hear from her one level, I felt set me back. I told her I felt like we both needed this to happen, since I looked at my life and relationships and wanted to be a less tense, and happier person, and she needed to repair relationships with her mother and friends. The conversation ended up continuing into me telling her some of the exciting news,and was really focused on making my life happier. Her reaction was excitement, saying I sounded new and improved, and saying our talk had motivated her to do some awesome things in her life since I sounded so pumped about life.
She asked me to come pick up some stuff, like dvds that I had left over there, so they didn't end up in storage, and seemed very friendly about things.
I am just wondering if anyone has any unbiased insight. I want to move on and I know I don't need her to be happy, but at the same time, I care deeply about her, and do not begrudge her for feeling confused, given the situation. I don't want to totally turn my back on her because this was truly a time of healing she needed, and a time that I needed to improve upon myself as well. If this is her reaching out, and this is a way to keep the hope of us alive in a non pressured situation, I am not opposed to it.
Sorry for the novel!