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I got this bombshell tonight, at first I thought she was joking.

We have been in a relationship for 4+ years, the relationship started very hot but has waned in the past year. I have high blood pressure and taking a beta blocker which kills my erections, takes forever to get one and maintaining one is very difficult also. She was very eager to satisfy me, and would spend a lot of time helping me achieve an erection. I would digitally stimulate her but she did not like me performing oral sex on her. I felt a lot of frustration with my dysfunction and I was not meeting her needs. The sex stopped and we have not had sex in over a year. Sleeping on her double bed she was very cramped and she would complain about not getting enough sleep and sometimes I snore, so I started sleeping on the couch. We spend a lot of time together, and I had thought she was going to eventually move into my house. I have been remodeling it with that intention. I spent my time between my house and her small apartment. Last year I was fired and then re-instated and have been on paid administrative leave since. I have been spending a lot of time at her apartment. We are together, but really haven't been together. We haven't exactly clicked. We should have had this conversation about six months ago.

She told me she needs some space, she also relied on the old cliché "she wants to be friends". She still cares for me and wants to be able to do stuff together, but doesn't know if she wants to be in a relationship together. She said she has been stressed and on edge and been cold towards me and it wasn't fair to me for her to be like this. I told her I have been uneasy also, but didn't know how to bring up the subject or to breathe new energy into the relationship. I told her I still cared for her and would like to work on the relationship instead of just throwing 4 years away. After talking for about 1 1/2 hours I got up to leave, she gave me a long hug. I told her to give me a call this weekend. I left her apartment I left some of my things there, I didn't want to take the time to pack the stuff up, and went back to my house.

I'm sitting in my house tired but too on edge to sleep. I thought if I put my thoughts in writing I might make heads or tails of things. Reading these forums has not helped, is the relationship over and is she just trying to break things off easy. She also said she doesn't want to throw away 4 years, but also said she doesn't know what she wants but what has been going on for the last year is not what she wants. Can we put new energy into this relationship, I know relationships take work and we both agreed we had not been putting much work into it. Any suggestions are welcomed. I'm at a loss, I'm willing to do anything, if she is willing keep the relationship alive. I'm also willing to give her her space, but I don't know if I can have her as just a friend, because I think every time we did something together it would just break my heart.

When somebody asks for space that's what you give them.
You can only get on with your own life and do your own thing.

It seems her feelings have changed and she has given up on the relationship and unless she were seriously willing to discuss working on getting the relationship back on track,there is nothing you can do.

All I'm going to say for now is.. .
If you have erectile dysfunction, haven't had sex for 12 months and sleep on the couch because she says it's cramped in the double bed.. .
How in heavens name do you think she was going to move into your house ?
How many red flags do you need ? 12 months of no sex means that you had your 12 months to fix things up.

But I don't blame you, unless you've been with a lot of women, you wouldn't know that you need to be THE mind reader of the relationship.

All you can do is give her what she wants, space. Let her get her head on straight and you do the same. Moving in together will NOT solve these problems, time and communication will. You will only create more problems

I realize moving in now is not an option, but the stress of having two people somewhat living in a small apartment did create stress. My house is in the remodeling stage. That was creating stress, my job situation was creating stress. I was looking/living in the future, once we get do this or when the job situation clears up things will be better then I can address this issue. I wasn't living in the present and we should have been dealing with the current issues, but now maybe things have gone too far and cannot rekindle. I agree all I can do is give her the space, but it will be so hard, it finally sank in this morning when I wasn't having coffee and breakfast with her that I came to realize much much a part of my she has become. I live in a small town how do I deal with the hurt without it getting back to her I have been discussing the current situation. I can't bottle it up and swallow the pain and hurt.

Be with and talk to people you trust and who truly care for you.
Have you read the advice stickies at the top of the relationship page?

I've read what a lot of people have written and it doesn't give me much hope. I have a lot of time on my hands, administrative leave from work , nobody to spend my evenings with, already spend too much time in gym, I don't watch T.V. and I don't go crying to the few friends I do have, and drive them away. Just a lot of time on my hands to stew.

I know a 4 years relationship is hard to give up but 12 months without having sex is really too long you have to move on.You also need to go out and see your few friends cause even if you don't go crying in front of them you have to be with those who care for you and have fun with them instead of just going to gym.

Why you simply didn't tell your doctor what you medication was doing to your sex life is beyond me, but that inaction may have cost you after 12 months.

You have your own issues with your job, your house, and your health, to deal with, besides her actions, and that's where you focus.

Leave her alone and get your own personal problems solved, is where I would start getting my life back.

The stickies are not to give you hope she changes her mind but what your priorities should be. She was clear, and hard as it is to see through shock, and frustration, and yes, hurt and disappointment, your path is very clear also. You must get yourself back and build a life for yourself that makes you happy without her in it.

Thats the hope the stickies can give you, that its possible to be happy with who you are.

The problem I don't think she was clear, she wants space and everything I have read that means it is over. But, she still wants to be friends and she doesn't know if she wants it to end either. I did get my medication changed but then the job stress was amped up and blood pressure went up and doctor decided to put me back on a beta blocker to help with the stress. Are the words she using just code for it is done, and she is just trying to make it easy one everyone.

viagra?

Are the words she using just code for it is done, and she is just trying to make it easy one everyone.?

You just hit the nail on the head , and the fact she says she still wants to be friends is to ease her guilt.

I would certainly see this as over, leave her alone and be as active in my own recovery as possible.

Ok, new update, we talked, she clarified what she meant, she wants her personal space, not distance. I was always over to her small apartment. She wants the time we had about a year ago. I'm willing to talk to a doctor about my issues, I have an appointment next week (It needed to be addressed even if this does not work out). I realize that trying to capture the past is very difficult to do, but if she is honest about wanting the relationship to work we both need to work on our communication. I'll always have last Monday's conversation in the back of my mind. I also found out some info on her that I didn't know, I never questioned her past and she never questioned my past, because it was in the past. A friend of mine worked with the aunt of he ex-fiance. Said she had an affair and then got back with her fiancé. Ultimately the relationship failed. Should I bring up this info or let it lie in the past. History has a way of predicting the future. We went out to dinner last night, used gift certificates we had received from Christmas. It was a good time but didn't discuss Monday. She wants it to be like it was a year ago how do I re-establish intimacy without being too pushy.

I wouldn't expect intimacy to change in a couple days.
I would start by trying to sweep her off her feet all over again. Avoid being negative in anyway, if she says something negative to you, just take a breathe, and don't retaliate. One day at a time, start doing small things for her. Flowers, calling during the day to see how she is doing and if she needs anything. Watch the movie fireproof together!
This process can take up to 40 days! Don't even bring up the intimacy, let it come natural!
She wants you two to have fun again, and have the spark.Take negative out of your lives!
Save up for a vacation! Vacations do wonders for intimacy

Make love to her mind.

I think if you slowed down, and take time and be intimate through communications and just have fun, you will be a lot better off.

Physical pleasures can wane even for healthy people, and that's when you really find out what you have going for you besides just sex, based on performance.

Get it through your head the many levels of making love, and explore them.

Leave the past, in the past, and live for now. I think what she is looking for is a connection that can be built on over time.

That's what binds us, not the bedroom performance.

Thanks, I realize now that our relationship had been in a rut for a long time. I also thought, right now I'm stressed the doctor wants me on a beta blocker to deal with job stress. Things will get better, I was off blood pressure medicine before I will be taking off from it again. The performance in the bedroom will return. But, now I see I was not meeting any of her needs, I just hope we can re-establish what we had a year ago.

There are an awful lot of negativity in this forum, what I have read will always be in the back of my mind, what if she is just using me to be the go to guy until she finds another person to fill the void.

I have a lot to think about and a lot of work to do. I don't expect anything over night.

We kind of started our relationship suddenly. I knew her for about a year before asking to go kayaking. Kayaking turned to dinner than a movie then back to my house to watch a movie. We didn't have sex that night because I stopped it to slow things down. After that first date we were spending all of our free time together. But my job gave her space, I work odd hours and some weekends.

There are an awful lot of negativity in this forum,


It's called Reality not negativity.

As you say yourself it took this to open your eyes to the fact your relationship was going downhill , we see this here all the time and most of the time it's too late to repair , and when the dumpee hears this it's not what they want to hear. Most come here expecting a quick fix , unfortunately this doesn't happen and after a while they realise what we're saying is correct and we're only trying to help them to move on as quick as possible.

I hope it's not too late for you , good luck.

My whole thing is your being able to heal, and make better decisions based on facts, and not just feelings (hurt, shock, disappointment, rejection or fear to name a few)

One week down, still don't know where I stand. We stent a pretty good weekend together, well, sort of, her parents were with us for most of the weekend. Hiking, a movie, then a basketball game on V-day. No discussion of her getting her space, should I have brought it up? Sunday morning I woke up in my bed, dammit, cooked blueberry pancakes signed her valentine's card and put everything together and went over to her apartment. She was a little upset about being woken up, but the outward appearance of displeasure went away quickly. We had to be on the road by 10:30 to make it to the game, it was 9:30. We rode in her car and her parents and brother rode in their car. We made small talk, mostly. I did get her to discuss her job and something's going on at her work. Am I going about this the right way, to win back her heart.

The on a good note, she invited herself over for dinner tonight, I'm not that good of a cook. She could get a free meal at her parents and they are much better cooks than I.

The point is quality time, and bonding through shared activity, and fun. Maybe she is just doing stuff with you, so make sure you both are having fun, and enjoying it. Stop worrying about where you stand, winning her heart back, or even making love, and just enjoy the moment.

Will this win her back, no one knows, but as long as your both trying, there is hope.

We went away with her parents for a long weekend, I expected things to go better, things did not go bad but they could have gone better, no fighting. It seems as if I'm doing all the work and she just wants to find a reason to reject me, maybe I'm being overly melodramatic. I talked to my doctor got a prescription for the magic blue pill. Should I mention it to her to show her I'm willing to make an effort to address some of the problems, or will she just think I want only one thing. On another note, Fireproof looks like a pretty good movie, If I rent it will she see the intent. I don't expect miracle over night, but I just want to be there for her, but yet not appear too clingy. Dilemmas.

When me and the wife have a problem, we talk about it.

I was hoping to be able to come back onto this site a say I rekindled my relationship. But I can't. A year ago she said she wanted some distance. She agreed we were to work on the ralatiionship. She never told anyone we had broken up but were working on it. I made changes, I went to the doctor addressed my ED problem, I still have the same 8 blue pills I initially got. She would run hot and cold. I went on a mission that lasted 30 days. When I came home she was very receptive to my advances; she let me give her a peck on the cheek and gave a very friend like hug. I was a little mad when I left her house. So I changed my Facebook status to single and wrote her an e-mail telling her How I felt. I never sent that letter. I was too afraid of what the consequence might be. The cat was out of the bag and she was telling all her friends I was OK with just being friends. I told her I could not be friends with her doing stuff with her and any new boyfriend. She agreed to work on rekindling what we had. It seemed the harder I would push to get close the harder she would push away. But, she would call me and we would do stuff together 6-7 days a week. We even went on vaction together. She decided to move on without telling me. I stopped by her house and she had a guy over cooking her dinner. She could see I was hurt and she avoided me for a couple of days. I finally texted her to give me some time to talk to her. She agreed to meet me that night, it was Wednesday. She apologized for sneaking around. She said we needed to find closure because we both could not move on. I showed her the e-mail I wrote her but didn't send. She said she wished I had sent it. There was no ambiguity about what I had wanted in the relationship. I told her how I felt and I knew no matter what I said the relationship was over. I don't think she wanted to put the work into it. She zipped up her jacket and stood up I asked her if she was leaving, she said everything has been said. She asked me if she could call me sometime. I told her if and when she had time to think about what I had said She could call me. She replied she just wanted to hangout or do some activity. I told her see how easy I interpret you calling me with resuming a relationship. I told her the best thing to do is to have no contact. We discussed why that would be the best thing to do. She gets up to leave again and gives me one of the best hugs I have been given in a long time. I wanted to give her a kiss; but I didn't. She walks out my door and down the walkway and tells me I know where she lives. Last night I went over to her parents to say how much I enjoyed there company and thank them for the good times. They told me they did not have any idea and her mother thought we were still a couple even though she had heard otherwise. Her mother said I needed to move on and maybe the time spent apart might make her realize there was more than just friendship. This is day two of no contact and yesterday I was miserable. I know time heals, but 5 years is a long time. I love her and I know she loves me why else would she spend so much time with me. We did activities that strengthen our bond together. She took a nasty spill off her Mountain bike and came to me and cried in my arms. I can't wrap my mind around her mentality that she doesn't see me as a boyfriend but spent so much time with me and still wants to spend time with me. Can anyone give me some insight, I think if I can understand what is going on I can deal with the no contact easier.

Im surprised nobody has chimed in yet. Day six no contact, very tough having to drive by her house every day. And seeing her new love interest at her house. Yesterday she IM'ed me. What is going on.

Humans get very attached in long term relationships, and its very hard to cut those attachments, and get use to life without them. You both will go through this.

You must stay with NC until every look, and gesture is no longer triggering false hope, and that takes a long time. I imagine you both will get weak, and try to get in touch again, but that's never a good idea, and only brings more confusion and misery.

But its probably the hardest thing you will go through in your young lives, and its important to see it through. Understanding will come with a proper healing, when facts, and reality have replaced intense feelings.

You have been taken from a familiar comfort zone, and you have to adjust to the world and rebuild yourself, and your life, without her. It may take a few... YEARS!

But time flies when you're busy and having some fun. That's the best way to do this NC!!

Keep NC and take the next step of blocking her number. There is no reason to tempt or punish yourself by seeing that she attempted to contact you.

I don't think she has the same feelings for you that you think you have for her. If there is anything more on her part than friendship, it appears to be a need to keep you as a safety net. You deserve so much more than to be taken off the shelf when she needs a teddy bear.

Do things that keep you busy both mentally and physically.

Let yourself heal. Give yourself permission to be happy. Often when we we mourn a relationship, we get into a thought pattern of believing that we shouldn't smile or laugh. It is like we think that to have fun, in some way, denies the depth of the relationship and pain we feel/felt. It doesn't. It is quite all right to laugh and have fun by yourself or with other people. You aren't betraying what you had. You are accepting that life goes on and your heart will mend if you allow it to.

Give yourself time and be patient. You are going to have down moments. Give yourself ways to lessen their impact such as working out, trying new music, hanging out with friends, etc.

Take care of yourself.

You said that you had very high blood pressure causing ED, and that you are on administrative leave, with pay. I'm wondering why you waited so long to address the medical end, and why you have not yet returned to productive work.

If you are still at home, you probably have too much time on your hands.

Part of what I'm trying to say is, what has changed between when she left, and now. Other than you wanting her back, and her clearly telling you otherwise by her words and actions, it seems to me, that the relationship is over.

But, you keep hanging on.

Is part of the problem that your own limitations are preventing you from stepping outside your comfort level and getting back to the land of the living? What have you done for yourself, to get back to work, to socialize, to go out with friends. Is the continuous ruminating about this past relationship preventing you from moving on?

I wish for you that you can let the past go, and get yourself back up, clear out the cobwebs, and start planning a life without her. Find friendships that are mutually rewarding; activities that interest you and keep you motivated and healthy; work that is fulfilling.

Nobody can live your life, but you.

Well, I have been back to work, I was reinstated in March. And, I have received a promotion. Meaning the whole firing was a sham. I have been working and the last year we have been very active together. Going to the gym, hiking, biking and going for walks. At the time of my illegal firing I was stewing about the preceived wrongs and talked about this all the time. Probably too much, my attorney recommended I consult a therapist after I went back to work. I wish I had been told to get one earlier. I'm still working with the counselor, and he can't figure out her behavior. Probably doesn't know what she wants. I'm staying active snowshoed 8.4 miles Saturday, but little things remind me of her. It doesn't help having to drive by her house everyday.

Wow! Did I read you wrong. I had an entirely different picture in my head, and I apologize. You deserve a lot more credit than what you got from me!

As a caveat, moving on is the best advice, and I know in my head I need to, but my heart wants to get back with her. I will post in here to get my thoughts on print, it helps me. I hope she does come back. I have been making huge progress with my counselor; so if a make up is not in the stars then I can put my new found insight into a new relationship.

I'm coming at this from another angle (probably not a popular one). My late husband was a cardiac patient, had three major heart attacks. I know ALL ABOUT beta blockers and little blue pills.

How did we survive? We were open and honest and, more importantly, HE didn't dwell on our sex life. HE didn't apologize or offer explanations. HE didn't wander around, wringing his hands and asking if I was satisfied. HE didn't attempt to overcompensate - which can happen.

Has OP ever discussed openly and freely the problems with the girlfriend without blame, without apology?

I know how difficult it is to be the patient, the one under stress and strain - but sometimes it's not easy to be the caretaker or the bystander or the cheerleader.

It sounds like OP went though a lot and I don't know that maybe the girlfriend had her hands full, reassuring him, supporting him, whatever else was going on when her World was also spinning out of control.

Clunk! Off my soapbox!

OK, figure this out; I went to the gym, we both share the same gym. She was there and gave me a wave, I waved back. She finished her workout and came over to me and said hello and then asked me about things I had done this past weekend. We agreed no contact. I picked up a sandwich at subway, and drove home past her house and her new interest was there. She is trying to keep me in her life and have a romantic interest also, I would have given her both. Now do I give up my gym membership just to avoid her.

I think you need to stop looking at this from your standpoint and read what I wrote -

I realize you are hurting and upset but did you hear anything I said?

To me, she gave up any right to have her view point taken into consideration when she started dating another person without being honest with rsacid.


But, she would call me and we would do stuff together 6-7 days a week. We even went on vaction together. She decided to move on without telling me. I stopped by her house and she had a guy over cooking her dinner.

Keep up No Contact as best you can. If you run into her at the gym or another social setting, be polite if you have to talk to her but don't go out of your way to talk to her.

I will be honest that I would treat her as unavailable due to having a boyfriend and leave her alone.

Take care of yourself. She has to take care of herself.

In reflection, and I so wish I could go back. I do see the strain I put on her because a few people decided to make my life hell. I should have been talking to a professional counselor. And know that I could have taken steps but didn't.

OK, figure this out; i went to the gym, we both share the same gym. She was there and gave me a wave, i waved back. She finished her workout and came over to me and said hello and then asked me about things I had done this past weekend. We agreed no contact. I picked up a sandwich at subway, and drove home past her house and her new interest was there. She is trying to keep me in her life and have a romantic interest also, I would have given her both. Now do I give up my gym membership just to avoid her.

Are you a paranoid nut? Just asking, because you totally took a friendly encounter, and made it a plot against you. Be sure and tell your therapist, that you have stooped to stalking.

talaniman I appreciate your advice, I see your point, although I think it is a little too soon. We live on the same road about 1/4 mile apart. I must drive by her house to get to mine unless I want to drive several miles out of the way.

To me, she gave up any right to have her view point taken into consideration when she started dating another person without being honest with rsacid. .


My concern is that she may have told him and he never heard her. This "it's over" conversation apparently started 6 months ago. Now he's driving past her house slowly enough to see that her new relationship is there.

I think he just didn't hear what she was saying. I see no engagement, no excusive relationship.

I hope I'm wrong because I know he's hurting but I'm not sure she just didn't decide to take charge of her own life again.

JudyKayTee you may have to break what you said down barney style. I know I just stopped being there for her. I wish I could get a do over. Is that anything close to what you meant. As for the driving by slowly the road has so many frost heaves I have to drive by slow the only alternate is to drive with blinders on

You have explained the stalking part, but not the paranoid part. I can see polite, and brief, but not getting carried away, and seeing her plotting on you. Let it go. It was a chance meeting, and if you can't handle it, or deal with it for what it is, then change gyms until you can.

You have explained the stalking part, but not the paranoid part. I can see polite, and brief, but not getting carried away, and seeing her plotting on you. Let it go. It was a chance meeting, and if you can't handle it, or deal with it for what it is, then change gyms until you can.

After much thought and reflection. I felt that after we had decided no contact she came over to me in the gym and started a conversation to see how I was doing to ease her guilt. My reaction might have been selfish; I'm hurting why shouldn't she. I have started to take the longer route to get home to avoid looking at her home. Each day I don't see her the hope that I had for a renewal of the relationship is getting smaller and the amount I miss her is also diminishing. I saw her the other day driving and she did not wave; I felt upset that she did not acknowledge me. The next day she sends me a message apologizing for not waving and wants to know if it is OK to send me messages. I have been giving advice both ways, I have not returned her message, but I have been advised I should send her a quick note saying yes it does bother me when I get a message from you, it restores hope so please do not send me anymore messages. Which route would you take?