Warning: LONG
Good Morning All. I need some major help. I need some straight talk advice.
I'm 30. I've been married for 3 years. I've been with my husband for 8 years. We have 2 small children. I take care of myself. I mean, even though we have been together, I still dress up, wear makeup, stayed same weight, etc.

I will admit that during the last 2-3 years, we are not as sexual and sleep in separate rooms, but with everything else we are fine. I don't like to sleep with him because he snores very loudly and since I have had children I'm sorry, I need peace and quiet when I sleep. He also likes to sleep with the TV on. Basically I only sleep somewhere else, because I rest better that way. We are intimate sometimes, but not so much. I'm tired. I go to school, work full time, and take care of the babies. He doesn't help me with the children, won't fix anything in the house, won't clean anything, he is lazy. And I know the rule that if the man is missing something he goes out and gets it. I'm just confused to why he went out and got so much more.

Last year early April, while I was pregnant with our second baby, I found text messages my husband was sending back and forth with a girl he works with. I went the motions, cussed him, called her, texted her, this that. It was just text messages, I forgave him.

In December last year, I found out he was communicating with her, via Skype. The only words I saw on the conversation I found were from her and they said something to the effect of "I know you can't make promises to me".

This sparked a huge argument, excuse me fight. I tore up his clothes, called her job, and almost got her fired. I almost got him fired. My mother was involved, this and that. It was huge. Then the "I'm sorry this and that". I forgave him.

On Tues. Jan.25th, as I was getting ready for work, I walked into the bathroom and happened to look into his phone. I found a conversation he was having with someone about them having a baby together, how he can promise her love, how he wanted to go far with her, how she didn't feel great because he can't promise her anything, how he didn't want to lose her out of his life, this that. I confronted him that morning about that, after I took pictures of the messages. I went to work, didn't speak to him for days. On Friday, Jan.28th, through a connection I have, I found out the phone number is from the same girl I found out about over a year ago in April as well as December. And I found out he is an authorized user on her account.

He came home from work, we got into a huge fight, police were involved, and he ended up leaving to go to his family's house. I sent the pictures of the text messages to his mother and sisters. They cursed him out, told him he was wrong, they told him he needs to fix the situation with me; they didn't want anyone else as a sister in law but me, this and that.

Okay on Sunday night, he comes home. The first thing he does is look for his clothes that I cut up. I know I shouldn't have done this. Not come in the house and run to my arms, nothing. He just started an argument about his clothes. So we argued that night, I couldn't go to work on Monday jan.31st and he couldn't go either. We were up too late. We sort of made up. I had to basically make him call and break up with her on speaker phone, the only thing this heifer said was, "What about what you told me". She said, "What about my key". He had a key to her apartment. She boo hood. I didn't say anything while he was on the phone. I just mailed the key back to her when they got off.

So a little more investigating and I found text messages he and she were sending to each other FRIDAY Jan 28 all during the day, before he came home and we got into the fight.

The messages were very hard to read. I found out that they go out in public together, I found out that she comes to his job to meet him there and parks in the same spot. He told her she should probably change her number again. She told him I started texting again and forwarded him the messages I sent her. He told her to "ignore me" and "that she will probably move out".

So what I want to know is he sorry? Is it just because he got caught? Does he love this girl? Will I be able to trust him again? Is he done with her?

Tell me what to do.

Would I trust him? No. You have trusted him time and time again and it appears his word is not good.

I also would not expose my children to these raging fights.

You are fortunate that you were not sued when you called her job.

No one knows if he loves her, except for him. No one knows if he is done with her, except for him. Is he trying to force you out because he doesn't want to be the "bad guy"? Possibly.

I do investigations and surveillances. There are two types of cheaters - one cheats, gets caught, learns from the lesson, never cheats again; the second is a serial cheater and it happens over and over and over again.

This isn't about you and how well you keep yourself up. This is about him and whatever he thinks he deserves and where he's going to get it. It might be like trying to empty the ocean with a teaspoon - no matter how hard you try, you'll never succeed.

I would get counselling for myself. If he wants to go, fine. If he doesn't, well, then you know.

Would I personally trust him? No. Would I consult with an Attorney? Yes. Would I move out? No - not unless this was causing problems for my children (and I don't know how it doesn't cause problems for your children).

And, again - it isn't YOU. It's HIM.

You have been very tolerant,and you have been put through the ringer.

Does he care that he got caught, hardly, he keeps getting caught and keeps on trucking regardless of who knows his business, his work, his family,his mother his sister,. he doesn't care about his familys feelings, at least that is what comes across to me.

When do the second chances run out? How long are you going to put up with this?

Maybe for another 5 years, 10?
Will you keep taking him back with no conquences for his actions?
How much longer do you need to suffer before you take back your power, for you and your children and DO something different.

When you signed the dotted line I doubt you thought this was in your future, but here it is,he's cheating plain as day,and in your face... love,no, respect,no.

My advice is to seek legal advice and counselling for yourself.

Why want to be with someone who will do that to you , I can understand you cutting up his cloths and cursing fighting etc ,but why be angry he didn't run into your arms why want a man that could do that to you, are you just sitting there waiting for him to come back and ,do it all over again , because he will again and again, because he knows you are there waiting , get a lock change and get on with your life, he a cheater , they never change , sorry

There is so much wrong with this situation I can hardly see straight.

The first thing that jumps off the page is your children being witness to this abuse.

Your anger is out of control. Calling her work place, ripping up his clothes, police involvement, nearly getting them both fired- all by your actions, which are totally and completely inappropriate. Surely you know that what you have done, is not anywhere near a mature example of a committed married couple solving problems.

I don't believe that all this started over a text. The other woman has contributed, yes, but your life was not a bowl of cherries with this man until suddenly you found out he'd been cheating, and then you had this unexplained temper that you were unable to control.

You paint yourself as a victim here. Of both your husband's behaviour and activities, and a victim of a woman that he is interested in. You do realize that this has nothing to do with her. You attacking her the way you have is inappropriate; your problem is with your husband.

Involving his whole family to what, shame him into being remorseful? When you start mixing up personal problems that should be between you and him only, and involve his family, you are only adding to him being alienated and being more secretive, i.e. from text to skype.

My advice to you is to start with a commitment to take the violence out of your home, for the sake of your children. Stop the fights that have resulted in domestic calls to the police. Eliminate everybody you have involved in fighting this fight, and control yourself and your own behaviour.

Realize that you cannot control anybody, even your husband, by your actions. No matter how hard you try, or how angry you get, he sees this other woman, as an important part of his life- obviously. You cannot force him, or her, to stop seeing each other.

Realize that, being married to somebody does not automatically mean they will remain faithful, and it doesn't give you the 'right' to do to him (and her) that which you wouldn't do to any other living human being.

Because this has escalated to such a point where you seem to be at the boiling point, and still haven't found a way to simmer and solve the problems in your marriage because of this blinding anger you have, I think personally that you should separate.

Agree, mutually, to live apart for three months. During that time, also agree to marriage counselling, and find out how and why your marriage has turned into such a disaster. IF he is willing and IF you are willing to work together on the mutual goal of saving your marriage, and you are both willing to agree to do the work involved in order to do that, it is the only way you can get past where you are now.

You have to learn to trust him, if he is sincere in wanting to remain married. If he is, the other woman will be the first thing he gives up. The two of you have to learn how to communicate without going over the edge. If he decides that he no longer wishes to be married (he's been involved with this other woman for over a year if I read you right), then you will need help in my opinion, in learning how to let him go.

Either way, you won't find solutions to these problems, until you eliminate all the drama, and instead focus on yourself, and saving your marriage. That includes not getting other's to apply pressure, such as his family, and others to force change upon him, such as his employer, and her employer.

If even for the sake of your children, separate on a trial basis, and arrange counselling. If he won't go- you go. I'm not sure that without outside help, that this situation won't get worse. This is a dangerous path of destruction you are on.

why want to be with someone who will do that to you , i can understand you cutting up his cloths and cursing fighting ect ,but why be angry he didint run into your arms why want a man that could do that to you, are you just sitting there waiting for him to come back and ,do it all over again , because he will again and again, because he knows you are there waiting , get a lock change and get on with your life, he a cheater , they never change , sorry


It is, in fact, illegal to change the locks and could put the OP in the position of defending herself instead of being in charge.

My opinion... because this is not a one time situation but has been ongoing:

Hire a lawyer... consider attending counseling for yourself if you feel it will help you through the process... make a plan for how you will move forward on your own... surround yourself with family and friends.

Call your lawyer, and get your rights, so you will know how best to rid yourself of this lying cheater.

Bridge,

All of us are entitled to an opinion, based on emotion, or experience, etc. An opinion, is something quite different than stating a fact.

It is a fact, that you stated, the legality of changing the locks, and in stating a fact, as opposed to an opinion, is subject to be corrected if it is wrong.

There are 'facts' sometimes stated that can be taken quite literally, and if we aren't careful in what we say, it can actually cause a person harm, if they follow the advice, and it is indeed, wrong.

When stating a fact such as you have, you have to be prepared to back it up.

Judy is a legal expert in matters such as this, and we rely on her experience, to point out fact from opinion. Without her, and others who respond to correct information such as you stated, people posting questions are not getting quality answers.

But I am sorry I was not stating a fact I was saying that if I was her that is what I would do change my locks , and I am NO expert in any thing only in what I would do and is it not for us to give our advice , but yous the experts to give the facts, I was just letting her know what I would do, like I have had great and not great advice when I asked for help; we all have our opionions , but I feel judykay,was getting hot and bothered by a personel opionion, NOT A EXPERT ONE,, so do all the people who have to answer have to get training in law etc, sorry if I am to honest but I didn't think that defending yourself was any differint then being in charge as judy said, if that lady lives in her home and he has left she has to take charge and defend herself, i.e. change her locks, as she is the householder, so to me what I did say and meant made sense, but thanks for telling my off, without being condersending,

Sometimes bridge, it is a very fine line between fact and opinion. That's one of the jobs of the 'experts' here, to clarify points that could be taken the wrong way.

Try not to be offended, I've been corrected many times over the years, we all have.

And as always, opinions, and the more the better, particularly honest ones, are always welcome.

The missing responses were an effort to keep what's best left to PM's from hijacking the thread.

Come on, we all know the rules, lets be considerate of the OP, and PM the personal stuff.

talaniman what is PMs and OP , or do I not need to know,

Thanks jake2008 , I not offended and I can take any corrections you,s give , and being honest is what I do do, good or bad, but thanks ,

PM's-private message

OP-original poster

Hijacking-Taking a thread over either by bickering among posters, or trolling.

They both get deleted.

Sorry,