I have been seeing this guy on and off again for 1 year, he is 29 and I´m 28, he is swiss and I´m form mexico,I have been living in switzertland for 1 1\2 years ( but in short periods of times) the first time we dated it was for 3 weeks, then we stop for about 2 months and he started searching for me again, and I accept thinking he might realized that he wants something more this time, then after 3 motnths, I ask him if what was going on with us, because we never did nothing more that to cook, watch t.v. and sleep together. He told me that he has issues with relationships, he has been hurt really bad in the past and now he is really afraid of getting atached to someone and go through the same pain again. Then I told him that I wanted to stop this beucase it wasn't going anywhere, but he was saying he dosnet want to stop he wanst to continue seeing me, but I decided to stop. We didn't talk for about 5 months I deleted him from Facebook, and I deleted his pohone number for not being tempeted to call him, this was this summer 2010, then I came back to the city in this December he stared to search for me again, sending me emails, asking how I was doing, I was being kind of nervious and confused beucase I was still not over him, but I wasn't sad anymore. When I meet him somewhere he really seem that he wanted to talk to me, but I was avoiding him, until he told me if we wanted to meet again and I accept, we meet each other this time only for one month, this time I saw a bit of improvement on his side. He stared telling me a lot of his personal issues, like he has some kind of ansiety and depression problems, and he was telling me more about his work and sometimes we meet with his friends, no so much but at least for me it was an step forward. He´s friends like me they are all nice and talk to me, many of them speak spanish and have been in my city visiting, and the rest they speak english so language has never been a barrier. And this time he was getting involve in my stuff like personal things, school, job, etc. He will call me more often, texting me just to let me know he was thinking about me. I felt like we were getting involve more to each other life´s. ( only in this motnh)

But he was still kind of strange, like when he fetl we spend a lot of time together he will just say "I want to be alone" or "I will take you home", or if we had something else planned like just to take a walk or something he will change his mind out of nowhere. Like He was putting his wall again. So I confront him about this but in a good way, then he told me that he has feelings for me, he really likes spending time with me, he feels a connection with me, but he is just too afraid, he dosnet feel like he is in love.

And I say, but then everything else you have being doing what is it? And he told me that yes he feel comfortable with me, and all that he does have feelings but he is afraid, and I say about hwat? He told me I about myself I don't want to hurt you. I know Im doing it right now but believe me this is not hat I want, and I don't want you out of my life but I don't want to continue doing this to you. And is not about you is about me, you didn't do nothing worng, but I don't know Im too afraid of commitment, and mabye is because I have been single for so long, or mabye Im afraidn of getting hurt, I don't know what is it.

I say OK, just please stay away from me because this stiatuion is driving me crazy. Then we meet by coincidence in a bar, he look pretty upset and wanted to speak to me, ( he was drunk) and he told me that he wants to continue talking to me as normal, he dosnet like it when I ignore him, and he is really hurt that this is not easy for him neither, at the end we went home toegehter and sleep together, next day we were like normal, he drove me home, and he hasn't call or write.

So I really don't know what to do beucase I really feel like he does have feelings for me but he just don't want to accept it, and I just so confuse by his actions and words, and I feel really sad because now I miss him so much but I know I can not call him or look for him beucase it ownt change anytign.

So please help me I don't know what to do with this situation.

He wants a modified version of a real relationship. You know what a real relationship is, where two people are committed to each other, and build a solid relationship over time.

His version is I want you, and I don't want you. And when I'm feeling lonely or distressed, or horny, I want you to be able to help me out.

Then, I'll throw excuses your way as to why I seem to really care, but really don't, because I have 'committment' issues, and 'I don't want to hurt you' issues, and 'I've been hurt in the past issues', which of course, is to keep you in the picture, but not enough to say, in a more concrete way.

I think you ending the relationship the first time, was for all the right reasons. While he may have good qualities (I'm sure he does), he is not able or willing, to have a real relationship.

You cannot change him; particularly knowing that you've given him many chances and have been very honest with him.

Consider that should you keep this going with him, it sounds like it will be all about you meeting his needs and compromising your own.

Thanks for reading my post Jake,I don´t know if it makes a difererance but he ask me to give it a try, when he saw me talking to another guy,but then a week after I ask him about it and he said he doesn't remember and mabye was the alcohol talking. He really doesn't know what he wants but he is still there. He said he is too afraid of losing the opportunity to meet the love of his life if he is committed with one person, and then he says and who knows I might never meet her beucase I don't know if I ever feel the same about a girl. I really like this guy and I was hoping that I could change his perception about loving and being love, but it seems it just not the time. So do you really think I have to walk away?

You are not the first and you won't be the last person to think if we love someone enough we will be able to change them. They are grown adults and as you are aware as adult only that individual can improve themselves.

This situation is just were this man is just using you for his convenience. He has no desire to be in a fully committed relationship. He doesn't seem to be at that point yet in his life.

Its now up to you to make a choice and stick to it. Do NOT let him continue to talk you into a fake romance with him. In the last year or so he has proven over and over again to you what type of man he really is, but you keep making up excuses for him.

Bottom line is that he isn't the problem, its you. Sorry, believe me I am not trying to be hurtful, but I know exactly what your going through, been there-done that. We let the love we feel blind us to the lack of love they feel. Please don't waste anymore of your emotions on this man.

Get out and enjoy your life. Go places that he won't be, go with friends that aren't associated with him. You're a young lady who deserves not just love of a good man, but RESPECT!!

I wish you well--take care

Yes, I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't know what he wants. Loving, and being in love, is not something that you can convince another of, or try to bring it out of them, or change their feelings from confusion, into being confident of making a decision about another person.

If you read again, in your first post, you had pretty much summed up past experiences with this fellow. All very good decision made in the past based on your experience, and ability to see the truth of the situation with him.

I don't see where he has changed.

You can't make him into something he is not.

Maybe all the good qualities you see in him, will someday meet up with the maturity he needs to know what he's looking for in a relationship. But, until that happens, it is what it is.

You need to walk away and stay away. WHY? Because you fail to see that its YOUR actions that do you no good.

You act as a couple, and it feels good, and looks good on paper, and you expect more, but will never get it. You keep chasing false hope, and think if you give him a taste he will like it enough to give you what you want. It hasn't worked so far after a few failed attempts, and it probably never will.

Your first mistake is making it about him, what he does, and he doesn't do, and what YOU want HIM to do your way, but it never works. Sure that emotional gobble de goop about his past, and fears, and insecurities are all well and good to know that he has emotional baggage, but you miss the point of him telling you, and completely ignore the real red flag of swallowing his excuse of why he does what he does, take what you give, and walk away. Only to come back for more, and walk away again. Have you not seen the pattern for yourself? It is you who allow him to take by giving, instead of letting him earn it.

My advice, walk away until you can stop the giving, and put up a lot more resistance in ways that work for you, and learn how to date, and have fun getting to know each other before you start acting like a committed couple. His efforts at chasing you is a phone call, and then you are caught, you give, he takes he walks, and you are confused, and disappointed.

Do this right, and you will see if he cares or not because if he, or any other guy, really cares, he will pursue, and be real, and that takes time, and that's what you need, time to know if this guy, or any other is really that into YOU, or is just scratching an itch. You make yourself way to available to guys who are only into the slam bam thank you ma'am mentality, and that's exactly what this guy is. That's why you walk away, because its not about him, or them, its about YOU and how you conduct YOURSELF! He won't change, and why should he, since he gets what he wants, and his way has worked well for him so far.

By being less available, and less quick to give so much, you buy yourself the time to let the lust wear off, and judge if a guy is real or not. Never just follow your heart, when the facts are glaring in your face to give this a lot more thought. A whole lot more!!

This a long-distance fling.

Super fun when its good. Sucks otherwise.

Don't waste the time trying to reel-in a relationship. It'll kill you.

Either have fun with him & accept those times without expectations, or become unavailable and put him in the past.

It doesn't seem like he has the worries you do.

"I don't know what to do if forget him or still try to change his mind"

I agree with the above posters but I want to make a comment on your choice of words for your title.

If you change his mind, are the feelings sincere? You'll forever question the fact that he didn't change because he wanted to but that you wanted him to.

Let people be who they are. Once someone changes for another, they are never truly themselves and feelings aren't genuine and sincere anymore.

This guy have become my ex boyfriend since a week now, last week was really difficult for me ups and downs in a relationship, he never wanted to give it a try, and I don't know why out of nowhere he took the initiative to become my real boyfriend (we were on and off partners for a bit more than a year and half) so we decided to give it a try.

We last a bit more than a month. During this time, he took me to his parents house to have dinner, and introduce me more with his friends we did other activities, like what normal couple usually do. But he was still weird like, sometimes he will just out of nowhere tell me OK I will take you home that today I want to have time for myself. At the beginning I thought that since he wasn't used to have a relationship this was normal, I thought of giving him his space. But then it was more usual, he would get in a strange mood, where I felt uncomfortable. Until I confront him and I ask him what was wrong, then he said nothing is just that I'm not sure about us, then I said OK then if you are not sure is better to break up, but then he started crying and ask me to not leave him, that he wanted to give it a try and I accept it again, but then next day he was still strange until the 3rd day he said to me that is better if we break up because is not fair to keep me there just because he doesn't want to be alone.

He said that maybe he got to used to me but he is really not sure if he wants to be in a committed relationship with me so I couldn't believe what I was hearing I started crying and ask him for another chance he said is not good. But now he is looking for me but just to see if I'm OK. And he ask me if I wanted to keep seeing him he said something like " we can call for time to time if you feel like seeing me and I can call you as well, I think I just need sometime because I really miss spending time with other girls" If its better to know he is 29 soon to be 30 and I'm 29 as well.

The problem is that I know I have to stop seeing him or talking to him but I don't know how. I'm from another country, I'm form Mexico living in Switzerland, in a small town from here, so I guess he knows that he is all I have and he feels like he can have me very easily, or at least that's how I have let him think.

So I really don't know what to do! Its really hard for me to maintained patient and relax and to stop accepting his invitations or calls or even call him. HE told me very clearly he need time with other girls, he also told me he is afraid that he won't feel attracted to me in a future, things like that, but in the other hand he tells me that he feel really comfortable and no one got so close to his heart and should, and now the problem is that I want what we had back and sometimes I wish I could get him back but I don't know how, and other times I just want to stop the contact with him.


Edited/T

So, nothing has really changed since you posted in February? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/dont-know-what-do-if-forget-him-still-try-change-his-mind-550025.html

I suggest that you let him go play his games with other women. He has already told you in so many words he doesn't care about your feelings and you. Why put up with it?

Get out and do things where you meet new people. Live your life instead sitting on a shelf waiting to be the other woman when he is using someone else. Hold your head high and know deep inside yourself you are worth so much more than he is willing to give.

Be polite if you see him on the street because your dignity is more important than him and his desires. However, get rid of EVERY way that you have to contact him-phone numbers, email addresses, Facebook pages, Twitter, etc. Do accept any correspondence from him. Phone calls get blocked. Texts get deleted. Emails go to the spam folder.

Give yourself the tools to be a stronger and healthier person. Join a gym. Take up a hobby that gives you an outlet for meeting new people with interests similar to your own. Keep yourself too busy mentally and physically to think about him.

Remember that you don't deserve to be treated like he is treating you. You deserve a man instead of a teenager who is playing at being grown. Once you allow yourself to take the first steps to kicking him out of your life, I think you will feel a lot better and a lot stronger. That internal strength will come shining through and you will find someone worthy of your time and energy and love.