I already know what I should do, but I don't want to let him go. Here's the story. I met this man online, when I was putting myself out there to meet new men.

"John" was the only decent man that I met. He was the only one that didn't try to have sex the minute I met him. We talked online, dated regularly for about 2 months, but had never given me his phone number. I just assumed that he probably met as many freaks as I had, and that's why he didn't offer it, so I didn't ask for it. Well, after the 2 months, I was already in love with him. One day, he finally said, the reason he hadn't given me his number is because his girlfriend lives with him. BUT that he didn't love her, and it was more of a helping each other out situation, and that if I wanted to leave him, he would understand. I was upset, and I should have left, but he said he loved me and he was going to have her move out so we could get on with our lives. So I stuck it out.

It took 4 months for her to move out. When I moved in, he suddenly treated me like a slave and was angry at me all the time. He kicked me out after only 2 weeks,and I moved back home. He called, we talked, and he said he was sorry, and still loved me, and wanted me to come back. I said we better give this more time first. Well, he moved his ex back in with him. He said he couldn't make it financially on his own. Well, to try and shorten this story, since this has gone on for 4 years now.

He made her move out a few more times, and made me feel guilty, because his girlfriend had to keep losing her jobs to move away. So in 2009, he took me to vegas for my birthday. We were there 3 days. On the trip back home, he said, we can't go on like this. He wanted me to move in with him again, and yet every time I was at his house, he was mean with me. Not physically abusive. Just the slave thing again. I told him lets give it a few more weeks, because I didn't like the idea of sleeping in his bed that only the night before his girlfriend had been in. So, about 2 weeks later, and many arguments, he came to my house, said, we need to just be friends. I cried, but said OK. Well, he had moved his girlfriend back in the house again already. Sexually, he and I are both very happy. I have never had it this good in my life and I am in my mid 40's, very overweight, (I know, low self esteem, I need to lose weight, etc. but I haven't had the will power in 20 some years, so let's just agree that I will probably stay fat). He likes fat women.

I have no one to help me with my car or things that need fixed, which is often, and I sure can't afford to hire anyone on a minimum wage part time job. Yes, I have been applying for other jobs for years, to no avail. So after he had given the 'lets be friends' speech, the sex still continued. Well, after a couple of months, (yes, he did tell me that his girlfriend moved back in, on that day he gave me that speech), I was looking his name up online. Found out he MARRIED his girlfriend a few days before he gave me the lets be friends speech. I was livid. I called his house, no answer, but left him a message, told him that I hoped he and his WIFE have a wonderful life. He called me several times leaving messages of how sorry he was, said that was the only way she would come back again, and how he didn't want to marry her and that he loves me. I ignored his calls for 2 weeks, till my car broke down. I had no one to help me that would fix it for free, so I called him. As much as I hate to say it, I missed him terribly, and he missed me. So he fixed my car, and he put on the charm and the sex started all over again. And it has been going on ever since then.

Yet he often accuses me of going out with other men, he basically had me sever my 2 male friend relationships. He can come to my house anytime he wants, I can't call him except when he is at work or when his wife is at work. But I have to keep my phone on me at all times, so in case he calls, I will be here to answer. His wife knows he still sees me, but I guess she must love him a lot to put up with it. I do love him, and he has done so much for me over the years. Now, I never took my ads down from any of the dating sites I posted back before I met him. I have never closed the door on the possibility of meeting someone else, but no one in all these years has shown ONE bit of interest. Except 1. Now here is where a lot of you will hate me.

I don't have a fondness for hispanics. The years of watching my town go from a decent town, to graffiti on everything, the crime rate, their obvious and often verbal hate of white people, has tainted my view on their kind. But this one man is hispanic, and I don't know why he still likes me after all the crap I talk about hispanics and what they do, but he still likes me. Well now, I am looking at my future, and realizing that "John" will always be in my life just as we are now, until his wife passes away. But even if she did pass away, (no, she is not ill, just talking about natural caused death), then John will want ME to live with him again. The problem is, I don't WANT to live with him. I like it the way it is now. I like when he goes home and I have my time to myself, and that I don't have to deal with his anger issues all the time.

But I went to dinner and a movie with my hispanic friend "tom", only 3-4 times in the past 2 years, and that is really the only time we visit. I don't know for sure that the relationship with Tom would work out, and I hate that I have to lie to John about the few times I have gone with my friend, because it truly was just friends getting together. I know Tom likes me and would like to try having more with me, but he is fine with just the friendship. But I am afraid to be without John, and if I start seeing someone else, John will leave. Or worse yet, I fear he will divorce his wife to be with me. Yet IF this works out with Tom, I could live a pretty good life, instead of living paycheck to paycheck, and we do enjoy a lot of the same things, though I don't know him as well as I should before thinking that far into the future. But I CAN'T get to know him that well, since John looks through my phone, gets on my computer, I have to send him a note when before I go to work, and while at work and when I get home from work, and then spend hours online with him.

Even if I left John for Tom, if this doesn't work out, then I will have no one again, and other than the times with John, I AM alone, so it's not that I need to have my space to figure out where I am going in life. Like I said, I am heading toward 50 years old. I rent a room because I can't afford a place of my own. Its not like I am still planning on buying my own home one day, because that isn't going to happen. I have a couple of kids, grown and far away, that I miss so much, but they can't support me and there is no work in their area. If Tom and I work out, I know he would probably buy us a place near my kids, or at the very least, afford me the chance to visit them several times a year. Tom is nearing 60 years old and not in terrific health, not terrible, but just age issues mostly. With John, he HAS to know what time I went to sleep, what time I woke up, what I am doing constantly. There IS no way I can think of, to GET to know Tom better, to see if there might end up being "something" there, without losing John.

I don't totally mind being alone, but I can't live like that day in and day out. I see what it has done to my mother. My father passed away when she was 52 years old. She mourned for a couple of years, then thought she might get back on the dating world. She too, never found a decent man. Now she is about 80, been alone ever since. AND she is bitter and mean because of her loneliness. It is so hard. I know the only advice that will be given to me, is to leave the married man, and try for the unmarried man, but at this point in my life, I need security along with love. Even though John is married to someone else, I DO have security with him. He comes over all the time, he calls me all the time, and we talk, and go places and do things and he is the most incredible lover I have ever had in all of my life. What do I do?

First thing I would do is re-establish old FRIENDships if possible, with the people this guy made you dump. They are infinitely more valuable than married control freaks. A friend is a friend to the very end and all that.
Second, of course: stop selling your soul (and body) for this pitiful kind of security. And stop allowing yourself to be controlled. He can't do it if you don't let him. You have to account for your whereabouts etc etc etc? No, you don't have to do anything. Show some nerve and class and integrity. Date Tom and tell the whole world. Be ready to stand your ground when control freak finds out.

Honestly I don't know what you want us to say. You have made every excuse there is to allow yourself to use and be used. You have even made excuses as to why you continue to stay with him even though he is MARRIED, of course I didn't know that being heavy with minimul wage gave anyone the right to CHEAT, but you obviiously do. All of us on here could talk to our faces got blue and there is no way in heck you would leave this guy--why--because you too darn comfortable with the situation, like you said you get sex,free car maintenance, and get to send him home.

We all make choices, Iam not saying all are the correct ones, but for the love of Pete after a certain age we should at least learn from them, If we decide to take the road that has us lose our morals and self respect then we either get ourselves back on the right road or stop complaining about the ruts in the road.

Like you said you know what you should do, you just have to have the courage to do it.

Ok, the reason why you stay with that class act John, is because and ONLY because its someone who wants you. Your EXCUSE is because your lack of self esteem, figure and general way you feel about yourself.

Well guess what. Time to stop the self pity trip and start finding "you". There's only so many times you can blame what you look like and the emotional turmoil from it on the way you let life treat you.

And you are being treated like a piece of crap. WITH A MARRIED MAN. Where are your morals??

Why is it with some women these days they feel that because they're big (I like to say we're curvy) that they're not worthy of someone decent who will love and adore them? Please. When you find that one, it won't come down to what you look like. Ok, I hold my hands up, it hasn't happened to me, yet, but it'll happen.

I used to feel like you and probably not far off in age either, but I took control of my life. And that's the key here. YOU HAVE TO TAKE CONTROL. The longer you continue to let others control you in what you do, say, eat, dress... the longer it'll take you to realise that you're being controlled and used.

If I was told I had to message my other half before work, after and during I'd tell him to get stuffed. How seriously crazy is that?

It's about time you kicked him to the curb and found a new you. You're a mature woman, well spoken and what I hope to believe honest. Start being honest with yourself and doing things to improve you. Your life and surroundings ARE NOT going to change until you do. The essence and power that you emit when you walk in the room is what draws people to you.. not how big your boobs, hips, tummy, butt are.

As for tom? I am fortunate to have some hispanic friends. They are lovely and nurturing and comforting people. You cannot tar them all with the same brush. There are good and bad in all. They can't ALL be the reason for the decline in your area. Believe it or not there are good ones too!

Nutshell. You need to start taking the time for you. You NEED to make a positive change in your life. Never accept what is, if you don't like it.. CHANGE IT. I always thought I'd be fat and unwantable. So I dropped my weight.. but only to where I was happy with it, Im still fond of my curves and breasts so even though Im able to, they'll never go.. they accentuate me.. and Im pretty proud of them :)

Positive changes in your life will bring a different dynamic of people into yours. Its your choice if you wish to go through the rest of yours brow beaten and treated like crap or positive and happy with those who value you as a woman and person and FOR WHO YOU ARE.

This has gone on for so long, you have many symptoms of an abused mindset, in an upside down relationship that revolves around essentially living your life, for someone else.

You are not free to love another man, because you cannot let go of the married one. For four years, you have allowed yourself to sink into the role of being dependent upon him, and throwing yourself esteem, confidence, happiness and stability right out the window. It is GOOD that you are talking about what you should do, and I think that you will get the confirmation to know that you have to stop putting your life on hold, for the sake of a man who will never be a good partner.

This is not love that is going on here. This has nothing to do with your weight, or that you feel disadvantaged because of your age and have to put up with whatever bad behaviour comes your way from a man, just in order to keep a man in the picture. That is not an accomplishment, it is searching for reasons to justify substance in the relationship, and there is none.

This man is also being used as an excuse not to better yourself, on your own. If you want a better life, figure out a way to take courses, job training, etc. You have a computer, take online courses. Seek assistance from social services and see what help is out there. Each step you take for YOU, will improve your life, and your outlook, and I guarantee you you won't need a man to validate you, when you can validate yourself.

The second man that you seem to compare as a sort of alternate to the first one, is not that much different than what the first one is doing to you. You are seeing his characteristics and what he can offer to you, so that you don't have to improve yourself. This is not balanced, and as long as man #2 doesn't have a chance anyway because of your fixation on man #1, you are being very unfair to him to think he has a shot at a relationship with you, when you know he doesn't.

Your reference to Hispanics bothers me. To classify people in such a degrading manner doesn't make me 'hate' you, it makes me feel very sorry for you. And this when you have probably faced discrimination yourself because of your lack of education, or how you appear to others. I hope you examine more closely the reasons for your racism.

In the meanwhile, all I can say is I'd rather live under a bridge with a shopping cart full of my possessions, and have the company of rats, rather than allow myself to be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated.

If you haven't considered counselling, I really hope you do. There is a lot of help out there if you really want to turn your life around, on your own, without being dependent upon anybody to do it for you.

Don't get with a married man.

Ask those simple questions while searching.