"I just found out that my 14 year old stepdaughter has been expirementing sex with both boys an girls.... I told my husband and when i told him he was crushed now i am finding out more info when i let my husband know he tells me I need to believe in her and what she says? I feel he is being naive? and he says that I and being hard on her because she is my stepdaughter? "

I think your husband needs a wake up call. What does he mean by 'you need to bellieve in her'? So far off base for a father being told his daughter is promiscuous at l4. She could be in so much physical and mental trouble from STDs, let alone becoming pregnant... not too far out to say that.

He needs to sit down with his daughter and sort this out before something serious occurs to disrupt family life and the life of his daughter. Maybe get her counselling.

Do you know why she is carrying on this way ?

If he was initially crushed but then when new info came about he was not, it's me likely he had a talk with her and she assured him that nothing was going on. A father is not crushed and then OK with it for no reason.

He needs to step up. It isn't optional. There can be no trust between a sexually active child, and a parent. The child will lie, and the parent will accept that because it's easier than dealing with the truth.

You were, and are, doing the right thing here. Had you not been keeping a close enough eye on her to find out in the first place, some of the consequenes Tickle mentioned could very well have come true.

I would have her to a Doctor for starters. Then have her in counselling. I say that because multiple sexual partners is not 'just' experimentation. It is risk taking, reckless, and dangerous behavior.

Something, or someone, must be motivating her, and both you and her father need to get to the bottom of this.

For all you know, she could be having sex with 18 year old boys, posting nude pics on the internet, and heading into some very serious trouble.

As I said, it is not optional for your husband not to deal with this.

Good luck.

She is playing the victim over and over I have checked her laptop showed my husband what sites she's logged into and when we confronted her she said she never went into those sites "it must have been a typo" He is so blind I had a long talk with him that One she is lying and making up stories and excuses to get out of it and he says he has to give her the benefit of the doubt. I really am thinking about leaving the marriage because he needs to trust in me as a wife and a mother. I have a 9 year old daughter and I shouldn't have to raise two daughters two different ways. Her mother lives in another state and says that for now on I should consult with her before my husband. No I will not do that she is not raising her daughter nor she lives in my house to set rules my rules go for all of my kids. If she wants to make up rules for her daughter then she can come and get her daughter an raise her. I have several sources that have told me she is sexaully active and that is well aware that the boys have girlfriends and doesn't care she just wants to do what she wants to do. But she told us that it was just one time the guy took advantage of her and she felt the hurt and rejection alone so my husband and her mother were crying because their baby got hurt. And they say that its done we need to move on and be there for her. I understand she needs guidance but come on. I can not be in a marriage like this. I don't know what else to do...

Mel, take a deep breath. There are things you can do, before you throw in the towel. I understand how frustrated you are. In my opinion, any couple (married, step) has to be on the same page as far as kids go, and parent together.

The question is, how do you get to that page.

Try once again, to tell your husband that he needs to understand that this is not about whether his daughter can wear lipstick and get her ears pierced. This is about dangerous, risk taking behaviour that he has an obligation as a parent, to address. Give him options, and give him consequences.

Some of what you might insist on may include:

1. She needs a complete physical to rule out any STD's.
2. You and your husband, together, need to get into counselling to learn how to deal with not only the impasse, but to hear from a professional, HOW to effectively discipline his daughter.
3. Request a meeting with the school. Either her home room teacher, or the Principal. Go over your concerns as to her behaviour, and see if there aren't any insights they can offer, as well as suggestions on what to do.
4. Seek out parenting classes. Your school should be able to narrow that down. Many schools offer parenting classes to help parents cope and effectively deal with problems with kids.
5. Let him know what the consequences are that you are considering, if he doesn't comply with at least some enthusiasm and commitment, to turning this situation around.

You might want to write these points out, point by point, to discuss them. Prepare him ahead of time, and arrange a time and place where you will both have privacy to talk and discuss, and by all means, don't argue. He will only become defensive, as his pattern seems to be.

I would send the list also to her mother, so there is no question that there are issues that need addressed, and you are seriously concerned enough that ALL of you have to be onboard with coming up with effective changes. She needs to know so that when changes are made, the child can't just call her mother, boo hoo to her, then the mother turns around and boo hoo's to her father, and you are, once again, left on the sidelines.

Everybody has to be on the same page.

If, after you have tried some or all of that, and you still end up in the same spot, I would follow through with consequences.

That might include a separation for a few months. Let him deal with the reality of what's going on, without you always taking care of business. Allow him an 'opportunity' to see what goes on with his daughter that includes your perspective on things, with you gone.

IF he comes around and sincerely realizes that the problems are actually serious enough that his marriage could break up permanently, and wants to get involved doing what he should be doing, I would still tell him, if you decide to go back, that you won't return until HE sets up an appointment with the Doctor for a physical, and HE makes an appointment with the school, and HE sets up counselling for the two of you.

That, in my opinion, is the least he can do.

Please keep in touch with how all this is going. As far as I'm concerned, this kid has no idea how lucky she is that you are in her life. Neither do either of her parents.

She went for her exam on Friday I initially made the appt to go with her I told her mom when and were so that if she wanted to go and at first she was hesitant so she agreed my husband wanted no part in going so I made an excuse not to go so that he can go I felt he had to go so that he would not be so blind. Don't know if that was a good idea because he wnt out and drank all day I left him alone there's was nothing I can do. This kid is academically smart honors classes she already taking college courses. I feel as she looking for her mothers love in the wrong places. My stepdaughter plays like she likes me but she has told several of her friends that she hates me and will not have anyhting to do with me because I am not her mother, her mother numereous times has told her the child does not need to listen to me nor respect me because I am not her mother when my husband confronts the mom she says no she never said that. It seems like my husband is seeing some of the light but he's seems hesitant don't know how much I can take my love for my marriage is slowly dislolving.

She is playing all of you off against each other and quite successfully it appears. You all have to get on the same page before you can do anything.

You might need to call a family meeting, including her mother and talk about who is in charge, talk about rules and boundaries since there does not seem to be any.
You three adults need to get together and get on one accord abut rules. No playing one adult against the other.
None of the adults should be tattling about something she says about the other. She should be told "I don't want to hear this" when she starts down talking the other parent.

That's the thing we are scrict with her but the mom says were to scrict on her we take her to school pick her up from school. I don't understand were she has the time to do these things she is always home I checked with the school she hasn't missed any classes. I just think the mom needs tocome get her daughter it seems like she doesn't want to deal with it but on the same note don't want to lose her to her mom which may turn oust worse.