View Full Version : Will my relationship work if his family hates me?
Jan 23, 2011, 12:40 AM
I've been with my fiancé for 2 years now. His family hates me. He says he don't care what they say he's going to be with me but I knoow it stresses him out. I've never done anything to them. They say I'm not good enough for him. We grew up right across the street from each other and went to the same schools our whole lives. Idk why they don like me. I just wanted to know the odds of me and him working out if they hate me.
Jan 23, 2011, 04:33 AM
I've never seen a statistic regarding couples staying together when one person isn't liked by the other person's family. It would be difficult to measure like vs dislike, and most relationships don't last for a myriad of reasons. What good would it do to know the odds, when you want to beat the odds?
Anyway, perhaps on Valentine's Day you could bring them something you baked yourself and say 'I love your son, and I will always be grateful that you bore and raised him.' You don't have to go inside or say anymore. You could even leave it at the door with a card.
Some quiet night, hold your fiancé and ask him to tell you about his childhood, his parents, what they wanted him to be and do, and after a while very gently see if you can determine what it is about you that they feel is holding him back.
Jan 23, 2011, 09:02 AM
So how much does he do with his family, is he living outside their home now ? Does he do family things
Jan 23, 2011, 10:17 AM
The only odds that matter are the ones that are successful.
Be prepared though, to be as uncomforable with them now, as you will be after you marry their son. They may never like you, and your marriage will go through grief when it comes time for family gatherings, weddings, retirements, illness, etc. You and your future husband, will have to be prepared, together, to support each other.
On the other hand, time may be your best bet right now. IF you don't give their behaviour any response- none- they will grow weary over time of trying to dislike you, when you are giving them nothing to dislike. Be cordial and polite at all times, and never, ever, get drawn into ANY family battles and arguments. Especially with your husband. Keep your opinions to yourself.
There are no guarantees each way. The only thing you can be sure of is the love you have for each other, and the stronger that is, the better you will both be able to weather these storms, together.
Jan 23, 2011, 10:42 AM
The road ahead isn't paved for you as with accepting families. And your problems are going to be compunded if you marry and have children. The only real relief is having your partner cut them off if they can't accept. If he is a moma's boy then forget about it. He will need to stand up to them no matter what. Your along for the ride.
Jan 23, 2011, 11:02 AM
Ideally it's best if couples like each other's families, but some people come from crappy families and shouldn't be denied the chance to break the chain and make a nice family for themselves as adults.
Perhaps if you get the opportunity, you can just ask, not in an argumentative or confrontational way, "can you please tell me why it is that you think I'm wrong for Jeff? I have no idea why you disapprove of me and won't listen to insults, but if there's something about me that you think holds him back, I'd like to know what it is. Maybe I can address it so we can get along".
I would think they've told your fiancé what the issue is - families who make a stink over these things are usually pretty specific about their complaints. He owes it to you to tell him what their issue is.
Having difficult in-laws is hard, particularly when you have kids, but a lot will depend on how your fiancé manages their treatment of you. My sister in law was always very rude to me and my husband never stepped in, never backed me up, never corrected her, and nor did her parents. Frankly, I lost respect for my husband over this and other things he did that I felt demonstrated a lack of concern for my feelings and we ended up divorced. He needs to have your back - not if you're inappropriate, but if they are truly just being rude for no reason, he needs to demonstrate he's no OK with it. Doesn't have to be a big argument - it could just be leaving a party when someone's being rude to you, or ending a conversation when someone's being unfair to you. Just saying, "I"m not open to criticism of my wife, sorry."
If the issue is something like you two getting engaged instead of him going to college, or having a baby too young or something else that has really derailed their plans for their son's future, you need to own up to that and really be honest about what can be done to make things right. The disapproval may be that they don't like what their son is doing... is his behavior living up to the expectations of his family?
Jan 23, 2011, 03:29 PM
I know everything about him, if I was to make anything and give it to them they would just throw it in my face. I'm not holding him back from anything, I'm helping him achieve all his goals. I just don't know what I've done.
Jan 23, 2011, 03:39 PM
I'm not holding him back from any thing. We don't have kids but I might be pregnant but they don't know. He has told them before not to be rude to me but it doesn't work. His mom is and alcoholic and she thinks she can run his life.
Jan 23, 2011, 03:41 PM
He's staying with his mom till we find a place. He goes to every family get together.
Jan 24, 2011, 02:22 PM
Maybe nobody would be acceptable - if there's no basis for their upset, there's no basis for indulging it!
Mar 7, 2012, 02:12 PM
I've been with my husband 16 years now, we met when we were 31 (I was divorced, no kids). My problem: his younger brother (then 24) didn't want to lose his best friend. He was rude to me from the day we met, came on every holiday and came up every weekend for the whole of the first 3 years of our relationship - he never gave us any peace! And he ran me down the whole time, made my life a misery, but I put up with it because I loved D. His brother made me out to be a ***** because I hadn't got on well with my mum (she suffered depression, abandoned me at 18 - something that took me years to get over). One day he cornered me in my kitchen and told me "You may slag your own family off, but if you ever start on mine I'll kill you!" Then, my stupid hubby gave him all the ammunition he needed - he made a joke about their Dad at my expense - something he now regrets doing, but the blame still lies with me. His brother couldn't wait to run back home with this and told me he'd make sure I copped it! And so, 3 years into our relationship, when we'd got married that year and our first baby had been born, his family rounded on me on Christmas day and ruined the whole thing! My Dad had just died and not being able to share my joy at becoming a mum with him was hard enough, but to have my new family turn on me over something I hadn't even said was just horrible. I let it go because being part of a family was what I wanted more than anything in the world. The years went by and the insults just got worse and worse. They even refused to exchange Christmas presents with us for 7 years over a misunderstanding over a Christmas present we'd bought them that year (the first year our baby was born). I kept stepping over things and not reacting, but I was now getting seriously depressed, cried nearly every day and started piling weight on. They'd made it clear that, as a divorcée and someone who didn't get on with her mum, I was not someone they thought good enough for their son. And then, the younger brother met someone. My mother in law took great pleasure in telling me that she was slimmer than me, had longer hair than me and could cook. She told me flat that I couldn't cook (since they'd only visited us 3 times in 12 years I'm not sure she can judge - I'm not brilliant, but I'm not bad either!), that D had been happy until he'd met me! It turned out that she was still married to someone else and had slapped her mother round the face and not spoken to her for 7 years, but my MIL thought she was chocolate! Again, I stepped over the insults thrown at me until, a few years later, my new sister in law comes and tells me how sorry she feels for me, because she can see I'm a good mum, wife, cook etc, but apparently my MIL and BIL run me down constantly. By now, my MIL, BIL and the new SIL do everything together, leaving D and I out of everything. Then they invited D to a rugby match with them, leaving me at home to look after the kids and babysit theirs! This was when D finally lost it with them. I begged him not to fight with them, but went to try to discuss things with my MIL instead, and begged her to just include us in things more. I guess I was hoping she'd do the wise thing, for the sake of the family - surely any MIL just wants everyone to get along? How naïve I was! She went straight to my BIL and stirred things up even worse - even though I'd begged her not to. Then she tried denying it, saying she hadn't seen them, which I know is a lie because my BIL tried ringing D to have a go at him about it. In the end, we just cut ties with the whole lot of them. I had reached a point where I was having panic attacks, palpitations, sleepless nights the whole 9 yards. It's horrible when someone just refuses to see the good in you no matter what you do or say. The last 2 years without them in our lives has been the happiest we've ever been. Don't misunderstand me, it's the last thing I wanted, and I still cry about it from time to time - it's like a shadow over our lives. But the truth is I've got so much more confident without them and, as a mum, I owe it to my children to remain happy and confident rather than a nervous weepy wreck! Sometimes I still get very angry to think what D's brother has done - to deny our kids of their grandparents and the support of a family. But the sad truth is we are better off without them. I wish it could have been different though, every day.
May 30, 2012, 09:24 AM
I have a similar situation, only reversed. At first my husband's family was nice enough to me, but that was when we were dating. He told them we were getting engaged, they didn't say much. He is, and was when I met him ill. He has heart problems. He also used to have money, but he trusted everyone, lent to everyone and was in the process of losing everything when we met. I had money so I supplemented his income, got rid of the riff raff and that was when the problems started. They said I was a gold digger, that he should watch out for me, not trust me, so when we decided to marry one weekend we did it without any fanfare. Once they found out I was public enemy number one. It was only recently at a family function that one of his brothers came up to me and said we don't understand why you're with him. You are young (I'm 15 years younger than him), pretty, from a wealthy family. Why do you want to be with him? I really do not know why they care. He requires a lot, doctor visits, medication, constant monitoring. He was not this sick when we met, but he was the kindest, sweetest man I have ever met. He's the man I wished existed but was sure I was just looking for a fairy tale, but then there he was. I know he's not perfect, neither am I. We love and accept each other and are happier than we have ever been. So why do these people keep intruding on our lives, telling us how we should live and deciding that I should not want to be with someone who requires a lot of care if I am willing to give it. I could write a novel of the tricks, the lies, the nonsense that they have put us through, but to what end. Even with all their constant meanness (and they all live within blocks of us), we have a happy marriage. I do not regret for one minute deciding to share my life with this man and no one is going to take that from me. If seeing us happy makes them miserable, then that is a problem they will have to work through. It's sad that seeing someone happy can make some people so angry. I will never understand that. I wish you the best and know that even with everything going on around you, you and your husband can still be happy. Do not let others dictate your happiness.