Here's the deal, about two months ago I started dating a friend that I hadn't known for very long. In the beginning, it was an explosion of passion; we were seeing each other and usually sleeping with each other three to four days a week. Whenever she came over to my apartment she would spend the night. It seems like every time we are with each other we have fun no matter what we are doing (we have spent an entire day sitting on my couch talking and we both enjoyed it). For the winter break I went home to see my family for about two weeks and things between us went quite well. We would talk about every other day for about two hours each time and text every night until one of us went to sleep. When I came back though, something was clearly wrong.

I asked her what was bugging her and she told me not only that she didn't miss me while I was gone, which I told her was explainable as she was partying with friends, having a good time while I was just stuck with my family, but that she is finding herself not thinking or caring about me when we are not together. She said that she herself doesn't get it because when she is with me I'm all she can think about and she just wants to stay with me. She said she doesn't want to lose me because I treat her great and she's never enjoyed the company of anyone else more.

I am starting to think that this confusion is making her think we shouldn't be together though because she has been coming up with a lot of excuses as to why she can't hang out. She stopped texting/calling me and any contact between us was on my accord. Now, she won't even answer my calls and never calls back, she only responds to texts. Part of me think she just needs some space but part of me thinks that if I stop trying to make things work she will just slip out of my life.

Two days ago she came over and hung out after classes, we had a great time and she spent the night as usual. She didn't return yesterday's call and I called her tonight with no answer and four hours later nothing back from her. I have decided that this is my last attempt to contact her and I'm just going to wait to hear from her. Unfortunately I can't convince the part of me that thinks she will slip away that everything will be OK. I guess what I need is to hear what other people think is going on and if I am doing the right thing.

You are not enjoying the now of the relationship, because all of a sudden she slows things down, and you can't adjust to the changes. She is taking things at her own pace, so stop calling her and stop worrying about it so much.

Enjoy her when she is there, and enjoy yourself when she is not. You had a fun two months of lust, but should never have made her that important in your life and made yourself dependent on her to have a life. Relax, enjoy, and see what happens, be with friends, and know there are no strings attached, no obligations, no expectations, and no commitments, except in your own mind.

Go with the flow on this one my friend, it is what it is, but don't neglect the rest of your life, as she seemed quite honest when she told you she doesn't miss you like that, but enjoys you when she sees you.

That's why you don't get latched on someone to fast because lust is not love, and few know the difference. Your problem was, and is, you think she feels the same as you, and want what you want, as much time as possible, but she realized she has other things in her life to attend to. No you are NOT a couple. Just... heck I don't know either. Its not important at this stage, enjoy it, or leave it alone. But don't be confused by it.

I might be wrong in this but ia m guessing you both are kind of young. Because young people tend to mistake infatuation with love, what you both experienced in those 2 months was certainly infatuation which fade away as time goes on, she happened to find comfort , fun or maybe other things she needed from you and you also found the same things in her . The key is in here :

Do you love her because you need her?Or do you need her because you love her? As for her part I am certain that she loves you because she needs you which explained why she left after those 2 months because perhaps she no longer find things she need in you, when I mentioned 'things she needed' it doesn't have to be material or physical thing though, it is more like mental and emotional things, maybe she was lonely or something and you happened to fill the spot.

My suggestion is let her go and enjoy your life more, just take it easy and if she really does love you and not just infatuated in you she will come back to you eventually.

Thanks for the advice both of you.

LightCross, not sure what you define as young but I'm 22 and she is 20. I have never been in a relationship longer than a few months but she was in a three year relationship until a year ago. I honestly have no idea if I love her or not because I've never been in love before but what I do know is that she enhances my life like no one has before; she is the first girl I have ever seen myself staying with long term.

talaniman, your definitely right about the change part, I've never been good with it.

I heard from her Friday after she got in a minor car crash, I was the first person she called. Saturday I texted her to see how everything was going and got a good response from her. She said she was going to call me today to see about lunch or dinner but so far nothing. I'm not stressing it but I'm going to contact her mid week to see if she wants to go out next weekend.

I am really hoping everything works out and things get back to the way they were but at this point I have no idea. I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

Once again, thanks for the advice.

I'll try to offer another perspective, because I know that feeling of hers very well.

I was best friends with a boy in high school. I had a boyfriend, he had a girlfriend. Sometimes we were double-dating (eek!) or just hanging out together... until we both found ourselves single for a while, doing everything together and enjoying every moment of it. We were playing in the same band, listening to the same music, had the same tastes, even for food and clothes. It all came naturally, we started dating.

As you said, the first weeks were incredible. Then he went on vacation with his family, I went with mine, we both met new people. I did miss him especially since cell phones were rare at the time (yes, I'm old!) and we couldn't talk every day. I missed talking to him and telling him about my day, hanging out with him, listening to music or playing, I didn't miss kissing him or touching him.

I just missed my best friend, not the guy I was dating. Something was wrong and it's a horrible feeling. I felt guilty every time he tried to contact me because I wanted my friend back, but I was scared he'd try to be more than a friend again. After juggling too long with his feelings, trying to keep him as a friend, I lost him for a while.

He got tired of waiting for me, of my mixed signals and my inability to talk and he just stopped talking to me for good.

Moral of the story : there are a million reasons that make people be together. When you realize you are with someone for the wrong reasons you owe them at least an honest ending, even if it hurts.

There's a chance she realized that you are better as friends than a couple. Give her (and yourself!) time and space to think about the relationship's boundaries, focus on your own thing -even if it's hard- and enjoy her company when you see her. Then when/if you feel ready to hear whatever she has to say, talk about it. She may never be ready and you could not get a closure but there's one thing I know, if she's really your friend, she will come back. For my part, I talk to that friend every week or so and we've been friends for over 10 years now :)

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Talaniman Rule- Give yourself 6 months of dating and getting to know someone, before you decide together to be DATING EXCLUSIVELY, and having fun getting to know each other.

Talaniman Rule- never be in a hurry to give your heart to a stranger. Wait until they have proven they deserve it, and know what to do with it.

Talaniman Rule- Doesn't matter how intense the feelings, or how much fun you have, never give your heart to someone you don't know well, and that’s only after the lust has worn off for you both.

Talaniman Rule - Date them all, short, fat, skinny, or tall. 18- 80, blind, cripple or crazy.

This keeps you balanced, and maybe you don't get so attached to just one person, so you can be objective instead of lead astray by intense feelings, and lose your common senses.

Pandead, thanks for the insight.

The more I think about it, the more what you said sounds like it's a possibility. I have definitely come to the conclusion that she is going through some doubt/confusion. She has started calling and texting a little again and she slept over last night (her idea not mine) but I can tell the confusion/doubt is still there. I'm just going to continue to give her, her time and space to work things out. I trust that if we had a future at all together, she'll get through her doubt/confusion and we'll be together. For now I'm just going to avoid any heavy conversations and enjoy her when she's around.

Thanks again to all for the advice, it is a very useful tool in helping me make it through this situation.

You advised that she is only 20yrs old and she was in 3 year relationship that has only been broken up from him for 1 year. She was in a pretty serious relationshp at very young age, she more then likely lost her virginity to to this guy.

What I am trying to get at, is she is now free and sowing the crop so to speak. She is probably a little confused because you were suppose to be no more then a sexual encounter and perhaps she is developing feelings.

For whatever reason she is confused. But beware that you don't let yourself fall for her if there is no future in this relationship. Just enjoy it while you can, but stop acting like your are her boyfriend until she starts treating you like one in front on her friends, not just in bedroom!!

Thanks for the insight, your last sentence there definitely gave me something to think about...

Threads merged

I my girlfriend broke up with me a little over a week ago; it wasn't exactly an easy breakup as I still have very strong feelings for her and, from what I here, she still as feelings for me. I have no idea why she broke up with me but its going to take a long time for me to get over her.

Here is the deal though, I entered no contact two days after the break up (the two days were spent being a fool and trying to get her back) and have been fine since, the only problem is that we are both in the ROTC. I'm a senior, she's junior and my position within the ROTC makes it so that I have to have direct contact with all the junior cadets (I am in charge of making sure they are all prepared for their capstone camp, kind of like a mentor). Today was the first day I have seen her since I entered no contact and it was just really weird. Not only was it extremely painful for me but I don't think either of us knew how to act. When I was giving instruction or advice to the group of juniors, she looked like no one was talking and just stared straight forward while everyone else was looking at me. I just treated her like she didn't exist, if we passed in the building I didn't look at or acknowledge her and, while I make a point of looking everyone in the eye when talking to a group, I completely avoided her.

It is making it really hard to move on from what we had when I am forced to see her two times a week and, being a mentor, I see many of the junior cadets outside of the ROTC to help them with ROTC things. Add to this the fact that all of our friends within the ROTC are the same people and we all like to go out to eat before and after ROTC events and I have a real problem on my hands.

I would love for her to come back to me but I know this won't happen and I really need to move on with my life. I was doing OK until today, I just got home and I am completely devastated just because I had to see her. I have no idea how this plays into the whole no contact thing but I feel that because we are forced to see each other its not going to work at all. To me it is clear that we are both dealing with a certain amount of pain and while I could never be friends with her (because I think I may love her) I need to know a couple of things:

How do I carry on with my life when I know that two days out of the week I am going to be forced to see her and subsequently emotionally crushed?
How should I act when I see her and have to be in charge of her while staying in no contact?

Thanks

P.S. I know this is just like the whole "don't dip your pen in company ink" thing, I don't need to hear anything about how dumb and wrong I was to be with someone who I am forced to see

You are doing what you have to do as well as can be expected, I think.
She may drop out. That would be best for both of you.
But if she doesn't, and ROTC meetings are painful for her too, she may contact you soon enough to talk about how to handle this.
There are so many ways to speculate.
As for going out in groups, I would keep going to those too - it's your job. Be polite if you have to say something to her, and if others are around, change the NC to something minimal so that appearances are kept semi normal.
You would be suffering if you didn't see her, right? It's not always worse being around someone who broke up with you. You get to see the look in her eyes. You have little clues what she is like and doing. After you stay stoic long enough, she may want to talk.

Focus on why you are going to ROTC. Not for her.

Act like you could care less if she's there.

Do your thing, then split.

Good practice on how strong you can really be.

Well thank you to the two of you that answered my second question before the giant spaghetti monster in the sky decided to merge my two questions that are totally unrelated and deleted the question that I needed answering, I don't feel like updating my old question so I'll just leave it at this... thanks

Don't stress about amhd combining your posts. If anything it helps readers better understand things.

You can always ask a new question on your own original thread.

Doesn't change things anyway. This girl doesn't want you.

Don't get too hung up. Just keep doing what you were doing before you met her & more.

You've got a lot of time to explore. Not every girl is right for you.

Just have fun & when you see her at class, act like you are having the best time on earth.

Like nothing ever happened.

Well I know you don't want to hear this but since this public form and Iam at the age things just come out!! You are senior in ROTC, that alone proves that you have what it takes to move on and succeed in what life has to teach you. This is just one of those lessons, I am not going to say it will be the last lesson of this category that you will have to deal with, but life goes on and with the lessons you learn what is really important in a woman you want by yourside on that journey!!

Now with that said, listen up young man, you are in the a senior position and due to that fact you better learn to not pursue a cadet in junior ranking for your own sake. Im not just talking emotionally but you have obviously worked hard to get were you are and it would be a shame to have to walk away due to a sexual harassment situation!

If a woman acts that confused and unsure from the very beginning of a relationship, right there is a good sign to just walk away. You are looking for a mature woman who is secure enough with herself to know what she wants and what she doesn't. Iam sure the are plenty of woman watching you just waiting for the chance to get your attention, but you have been way to occupied with the wrong woman. So stop feeling sorry for yourself take alook around and maybe--just maybe you will actually see what you have been missing!

Take care