Hi. Ok I hope your ready to read. :) OK well I'm 21 I am married I have a beautiful 1 in a half year old son. We live in a 2bedroom townhome. I work at a daycare which I love. My husband works. I mean sounds pretty great. But for some reason I just can't let go and be happy. I can't be free I feel like I have a ton of bricks on top of my heart. And I don't feel like that all the time but enough for me 2 try to get help. I want to see a therapist but that's kind of pricey. Well let's start from the beginning. I was raised by my mom until the age of 11. I don't remember a lot. I do remember my Mom doing drugs the Prostituting. I remember my dad being in & out of my life mostly he was In jail. But when he wasn't I remember him beating my mom multiple times. I don't remember how old I was when it first happened I want to say between 8 &10. One of my moms tricks touched me. I remember being ashamed because I knew it was wrong that he was touching me. And I didn't want him to but it felt "good" sick bastard. I never told n.e one. Then 3 days after my 11th birthday my mom went out with one of her tricks & I never seen her again. But at the time I never thought I would never see her again it was normal for me to go days without seeing her. We lived in a crack house so everyone there would "take care" of me& I took care of myself. I was forced to since I can't remember what age. So its going on months now that Im wondering the streets doing what I please fending for myself not going to school. So the school started investigating long story short they found out my mom abandoned me 3 months after she actually left. I was sent to live with my moms sister. She was married with 2 kids. They were very religious. But I embraced it I learned the bible. I went to church. Until my aunts husband started touching me. I lived with them for about 9 months I couldn't take it anymore so I ran away. Went back to fending for myself sleeping at friends house. Etc. Until someone told me my dad was out of jail I went looking for him & he put me in school & started taking care of me. He then met a woman that was pregnant and had 4 kids already. The 1st time I met her I freaked out because she was the splitting image of my mother she had my moms eye color high cheek bones nose everything. I became very attached to her. I thought wow finally a "normal" family bros & sisters.but that dream didn't last long. We moved in with my stepmom. Everything was great until the night my dad came to my room. He said make sure you wear something lose today for easy access. I was confused. But then the advances kept coming it was disgusting I remember once he even tried to kiss me it was disgusting his mouth tasted like cigarettes. It was gross. I still told no one I just tried to avoid him& I being alone at all cost. So my escape was school. I loved school it was great having friend learning things. But I was never allowed to go out with friends or go on field trips or to the movies or have friends over or use the phone. So school was my oasis. Until I ditched school once in high school to hang with friends & my dad found out. I got beat with a 2 by 4. And I was pulled out of school. I had to stay hone and take care If my brothers and sisters and clean cook. Basically be the mom. And my stepmom was there but she went along with whatever my dad said. So now I'm 16 not going to school cooking cleaning raising my brother & sister. Until finally I had enough of being stuck at home I ran away. No one could find me for about a week. Then I got caught and was sent back home. I ran away again but this time I was caught the next day. When I went home the 2nd time I told the officer please don't leave me here he's going to kill me all the officer said was here's my card call me if he hurts u. So my father took me to the room and started hitting me. I told him if you don't stop in going to the cops after that I don't remember anything my cuzin told me head to take my dad off me that he was kicking me in the head stepping on my head. When came 2 I did have a massive headache & was bleeding. After that I went to live with my cuzin. Until my parents decided to nice to p.r I had to go with them. So we went & it was good. I mean besides getting called a ***** hoe slut everyday I was OK because I got to go back to school. We lived there for 8 months. We moved back to the u.s. Then I turned 18 I met my husband again because we met each other in high school. We were together for 2 months before we moved out of state together.& it was amazing I felt free of course I was young and naïve about everything. I thought finally its my turn to be happy.& not worry about being abused mentally physically or emotionally. Until I found out that my then boyfriend was talking to other girls I was devastated. I was alone in a different state the pertain I thought loved me I couldn't trust it was a different kind if misery but I was so in love & he promised he would stop so we stayed together & I focused on work and getting my g.e.d. I got my g.e.d & promoted at work within 3 months. Finally everything was looking up again. Then I became pregnant & it was great we were both ecstatic we were OK financially. It was great until I miscarried at 9weeks. Then we moved to a different state we had to start everything from scratch we had to move in with his parents. And soon after I got pregnant again. We were happy but the stress of him not working & me working 2jobs his family not liking me was putting a huge toll on us. After giving birth to my son. I became very angry very depressed. I went back home to my step moms she had divorced my dad & he's in jail. So I went back home for a about a month. Until my boyfriend begged for me to go back with him. I went back.then shortly after I found out that he cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. I was hurt but it happened almost 2 years ago there was nothing I could do but love on and be a happy family for our son. So we moved on from that. Now were OK living our lives. Enjoying our son. When I find out he's speaking to a girl he works with. Supposedly the are just friends nothing ever happened. But I don't know if I could believe him. I mean I since have forgiven him & I'm trying to move on and be happy. But it seems like every time I think this is it I finally have everything I need.& I am happy something for a wrong. Now with the new year under way. I'm trying to move on and leave my past in the past. And happy but I just can't help but feel this heavyness on my heart. I just want to be happy.& honestly let go. I don't know what to do. I have sone days were I'm OK. But most days I'm either thinking about the stuff that's going on with my husband or my past or both. I don't want to think about that stuff n.e more I just want to be happy. Help. Any suggestions are so welcome. Thank you for listening or reading my life.& its cliff notes version I didn't want to keep you all day.. :)

I'm sorry. I just couldn't read such a long, unbroken passage. Paragraphs would definitely help, but since this is your first post, I'm not sure you can go back and edit.

What caught my eye in the very beginning was that you think you can't get counseling because it's too pricey. It's not. Most therapists have a siding scale and charge you within your means or work out some kind of plan. I don't know where you live, but check around with counseling agencies, organizations like Catholic Charities or Lutheran Social Services, social workers who've set up shop as counselors, and even counseling through an area university that trains counselors.

Meanwhile, I'll go back and do my best to read through your post.

Yes, I wore out trying to read.

First we don't really need a life history yet,

Perhaps a short condensed version, just stating points

Or in the opening state what the problem is currently.

But yes, Catholic Charities see people of all faiths, and there are couselors who charge according to income also. You can see someone if you want.


But I guess, so life sucks sometimes ? Tomorrow is another day, you have to let go of the past for you

Okay. I read it, and yes, you've had a really rough life so far. You've endured abuses no one should even have to think about -- the whole gamut of emotional, physical, and sexual abuse -- abuses by people who are suppose to love you and take care of you..

Control and trust are two big issues for you. You've had so little of either. It sounds like you want to move forward. Your last paragraph says that (apologies for doctoring it a bit) --

"Now with the new year under way, I'm trying to move on and leave my past in the past -- and be happy, but I just can't help but feel this heaviness on my heart. I just want to be happy & honestly let go. I don't know what to do. I have some days where I'm ok. But most days I'm either thinking about the stuff that's going on with my husband or thinking about my past or both. I don't want to think about that stuff anymore. I just want to be happy. Help. Any suggestions are so welcome."

Please continue to post here. We have some really terrific people on this site who will give you suggestions, just as I have, and who will follow up as you seek counseling in real life.

Ok I'm really sorry its so long I've never really told anybody n.e of this.it felt good to just write it all down even if its not the whole thing I just needed to tell someone and get feedback. That's all I want feedback on how to stop feeling this helpless.or so helpless I want to be happy

Writing it down is fine. Paragraphs would be good!

Have you ever kept a journal of your thoughts during the day?

Or have you ever kept a "Happiness Journal" (Oprah's idea). Every night before bed, list five things during the day that made you happy. And I'd add, list five things you did for others that made them happy.

Wow. You truly are an amazing person for going through all you have and caring so much about yourself and your child.
I'm 21 and have two children. I act as if I've been through a lot of rough times but I haven't been through nearly as much as you.

You deserve to be treated with love and respect. You NEED to find a professional to talk to who can really help you. I know there are plenty of people on here who may give you advice and make you feel okay for a day but you really do need to find a professional. I really hope that you will be able to put your past behind and look at how strong you are and leave the man you are with because you deserve much better.

I wish I could help you in so many ways. It's so heartbreaking to read your story. PLEASE try to find some help. If you want to talk about things (I'm not sure if you have anyone to talk to) I will gladly talk anytime you want! :)