My daughter got married on 12/5/10. I had been an active participant in the wedding planning process & was very excited about my daughter's "big" day. Unfortunately, I had been quite ill before the wedding & woke up that morning very sick. I had to miss the Bride's hair appointment & couldn't get ready at the hotel as planned - luckily, her sister, the maid of honor, was with her throughout the day. I arrived in time for pictures before the ceremony, but found the bride wasn't interested in taking any pictures with me! In fact, the bride's demeanor toward me was quite cool. I chose to ignore her behavior & plunged in trying to make myself useful. But, my daughters quickly informed me that I either wasn't doing things right or what I was doing wasn't necessary. They continued to ignore me & even made sarcastic remarks under their breath - basically they became bridezillas! I couldn't believe my eyes & ears - these definitely weren't my loving & caring daughters - I was completely stunned and told them so. I started setting a few boundaries which they greatly resented. I carried on my MOB responsibilities to the best of my abilities with a broken heart. What had started as one of the best days of my life had turned into a nightmare & I just didn't understand. I was completely devastated. Because I'm a single parent I stayed through dinner and then quiently excused myself & left with some good friends. Shortly after the wedding, I learned that my daughters were confused, hurt, and angry with me, and furthermore, would not be speaking with me until further notice. This was done without providing any explanation. They still haven't chosen to share their feelings with me. Needless to say I'm hurt, confused, angry, & BAFFLED! I would appreciate any experience or thoughts anyone could share. Thank you.

If they won't speak or explain, write them a letter saying you would like to sit down for a good chat, or failing that approach, ask them to write you back, giving you an idea of what is going on.

But, Baffled, surely you have some inkling of what transpired before the wedding that would have caused such a stir up on the day of the wedding, other then you be being indisposed.


Tick
Tick

Someone may have another opinion here. But personally, I see an aweful lot of 'I', 'Me' My' in that paragraph. It is HER wedding. Not YOURS. Even the fact that she is YOUR daughter means very little. And its possible that you may have made it seem like it was all about you. So because you were sick, you HAD to miss out on her day. Im sorry, but that happened, and she may be bitter about it.

Is she being hatefull? Yes. Of course she is. But her feelings are hurt. You werenet there for her on her most important day. And it hurt.

Personally, I would have been there through pnumonia and scarlet fever. Grin and bear it so to speak.


Good luck hon. I know its hard. But give it time and patience.

I will go with the assumption that you really don't have a clue why your daughters turned on you, other than you missed her hair appointment because you were sick. You did pull yourself together and do what you needed to do, right through and including the dinner, so from what you have said, you did fulfill your 'duties' to your daughter.

You also participated in all the planning and prep work, and most likely invested a fair amount of money in paying for her wedding. That would likely have been a year or more before the actual event, which would have been a lot of work.

There has to be a reason. If everything was fine up until the actual day of the wedding, something must have happened for them to suddenly turn on you. It could have been something they thought you did (and didn't) or it could have been something somebody said (gossip), or it could have been nothing at all. Maybe you were just the one who caught all the anxiety, stress, and over the top emotional overload from both of them, because you are their mother.

I don't know why, or what kind of boundaries you set that made them resentful on the wedding day.

I think that regardless of what they thought of whatever it was you did, to exclude you from the wedding pictures was inappropriate and mean spirited. Surely you didn't do anything to deserve that. It was like they just didn't want you to be there at all, and you don't have a clue as to what you did, if anything, to cause such a huge rift.

I agree that it is time to settle this with both your daughters. Set a date and time, and tell them that you need to see them to discuss the reasons for their behaviour. Be prepared to both listen, and talk, but give them the courtesy of speaking their minds completely before you jump in. Expect that you will hear things that may seem minor to you, but could be significant enough to them, that it cause part, or all, of this rift.

To let it go without making a really good effort to solve this problem, will only build resentment for all parties involved.

I don't know what happened but I think your daughters are acting pretty childish.
When mature adults have a problem, they deal with it.
Call your daughters or send a letter. Tell them you don't know what you did or did not do but you would like to at least clear the air.
Ask if they are willing to get together and talk about what has gone on.
The rest is then up to them.

Thank you very much for your feedback - I think I have been a bit intimidated by them telling me that they weren't ready to talk yet. But, at least I can make the effort! Thanks again!

Thank you for your thoughtful response, I found it comforting and motivating at the same time. As I said above, I'm going to contact both girls and tell them that I wish to resolve this matter sooner than later. Wish me luck!

I am a very honest person and if I knew that I had or had not done something of great importance, I am mature enough to admit my faults. Thank you for the letter idea.

Hi Baffled, thanks for all the feedback. I wasn't implying that you weren't an honest person, but sometimes people take comments the wrong way and become offended (if they are not mature enough to recognize this), then that is where the trouble begins.

When replying, can you please use the reply feature and not the comments feature. Using the comments feature doesn't allow us to answer properly.

Tick

I am glad that you are not giving up on this. That in itself indicates that you need to know what has caused this rift. If you did know, you would not be taking this step, so I believe you are true to your word that you do not know what has caused this.

While it is good that you have emailed them, the situation is still totally under their control, whether to stop with the no contact with you, and resolve this. While it is up to them to respond and comply with your wishes to sit and talk it out, you are left wondering when, and if, it is ever going to really happen.

I would personally send another email, giving them a date and time, and place to meet to hash this out. Make it far enough away that you don't appear desperate, but near enough that it gives them time to get used to the idea that you are serious. Maybe a month. Keep feelings out of it, and instead look at it as a problem between three women, who have to work together, to get a job done. Two cannot be absent, it's not optional. While it will be hard not to let them know how hurt you are, keep your emotions and dignity intact, and don't feed into any emotion. Stick with the facts, and make it clear that meeting is not optional.

You cannot live your life being emotionally blackmailed by anybody, including your daughters. Carry through with going on the specified date and time, and if they don't show, send another email and tell them you consider the matter closed.

When you take the power away from them, to dictate your emotions, the ball is then in their court. They are grown women who are perfectly capable of putting on their big girl pants and solving adult problems like adults.

But please don't leave this hanging, and allowing them to continue with this without resolve, one way or the other.

Baffled235 does not find this helpful : Unrealistic and off the mark.


The rate system isn't for opinions hon. Try to only use it for information that is untrue. That was simply my thoughts on this situation.

And its not tottally unrealistic either. I went to my daughters christmas play at her school when I had the flu coming out both ends and a fever and a pounding headache.

It all boils down to what you are willing to go through.
I'm sorry if that is harsh, but I can see your daughters point a LITTLE. No, if I was in your daughters place I would nOT be acting so childish and hurtful towards my mother about it. But I'm sure she IS hurt and bitter about it.

Balancer- inappropriate use of the rating system.