Entire story merged

Hi everyone- thanks in advance for taking the time to read my story. Quick run down - I recently broke off an 8yr relationship because I overheard my ex's conversation about sleeping with a girl. I had been suspicious for months as he would come home late drunk during the week, hide his cell phone and when he was out in the late hours he would never answer his phone. This all started mid of last year and became worse and worse... one night we got into and argument and he did the unthinkable.. he physically abused me for the first time. I packed up my things and left that night. He begging and cried for forgiveness and about 2 weeks later (a fool I know) I went back to him. After that incident I did see a change in him but he still always hid his cell phone which was always suspiscious. I knew there was something that he was hiding, but I still hung on because I simply loved him. I became very depressed and second guessed our relationship and knew deep down that I would have to end it one day. I prayed to find something out that would drive me to leave him and I believe that's when I overheard his conversation. Its been 4 long months now and it feels like eternity. We still have contact with each other every so often... he begs for forgiveness but Im trying to stand my ground. I have been with this man faithfully for 8years and helped him in everyway I could, very much like a wife however I never pressed the issue as I was happy where we were at. I feel so depressed and constantly stressed every minute of the day. I try to go out and have fun and meet new people but its so hard for me to open up. I feel like I carry this negative vibe which makes me unapproachable thus causing even more depression because I can't let loose as my friends for guys to approach me. I don't know what to do anymore. It's been months and Ive gone through these cycled emotions of anger, libertation, sadness, happy etc and I feel like its day one again lately. When does this pain end? I seriously feel like I am falling into depression. I understand that I need to be single and emotionally cleanse myself before I enter a new relationship but I feel like I will never meet anyone and be happy again and this truly panics me. I am so sad and I know I need to snap out of it and as much as I try I can't shake it. Any advice or experiences would be most appreciated. Thanks. :(

Been there, done that, wrote the book. I'm trying to muster up some words of wisdom here, in a subject that I know all to well, and I really have to think on this one, because it hits way to close to home.

It's not unusual for you to go through all of those emotions again and again until you feel like you can move on. Let's say that it's not a long shot to expect to go through the "cycle of emotions" each time for every year that you were together. I know that sounds rough, but unless you want the dreaded rebound relationship, you just have to let yourself go through it. Unless you do, the next guy will have a have a pretty rocky road ahead.

Don't stay in contact with him. I know you want to, but don't answer his calls or return his messages. Just keep in mind the night he abused you, and think of THAT every time you hear his name, or see it on caller ID.

Think of the girl he cheated with, and how he wasn't crying or begging to have you back when he was with HER! Don't sit and listen to music that reminds you of him. Don't look at his pictures, and think of the man you wished he would be. Write him a letter saying how much he hurt you, and took a piece out of your life that you can't get back, and go for it... say everything you've ever wanted to say to him! Love, hate, sad, happy, angry... whatever comes out! Then read it over a few times... and BURN IT! Let it signify an end of what wasn't meant to be.

Keep going out with your friends. Don't go to places where the two of you used to go. Don't go with a feeling of pressure to meet someone new. It will happen when you least expect it. Keep yourself busy doing things you like to do. Tell your friends that discussions of your ex are off limits, and not to try and fix you up. That won't fix anything! Tell your friends that if you bring up your relationship, that you don't need them to bad mouth your ex or try and fix anything, you just need a shoulder. Don't do that often, only when you're really needing it. Friends get tired of that in a hurry.

Try and also make new friends that had nothing to do with your ex, or your relationship. They can give you a fresh perspective on things. Get out as much as you can, and focus on you. You are the only thing you've got for life, so take care of YOU first! Don't give your ex the power to control you.

Any man that puts his hands on a woman, cheats on her, and then comes groveling like a puppy, is not worth your time or effort! Find someone that is worthy of your respect and time.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon. Keep your chin up! :)

Well, I understand your being "just fine the way things were"... but for 8 years? How old are you? I hope this started in your teens, that would at least make some sense since those years often don't end up counting anyway.

I can harshly say that if this guy were really "it" for you, you would NOT have been "just fine the way things were" for 8 years. You wouldn't have been fine like that for half that time... and most women after finding an "it" guy, would NOT have been fine after a couple of years.

There is no such thing as "coasting" when dating. Things are getting progressively better, or they are getting progressively worse. If you don't notice them getting better, then they ARE getting worse, just more slowly than you would think. Or perhaps not slowly at all and you were intentionally ignoring all the signs.

Anyway. An 'it' guy is firing up some dreams and ambitions and desires in you for home and family. If after being with a guy for a year you don't have all that fire starting to smolder for all the benefits of an 'it' guy, try to to end it and start again. Investing a year makes sense. 8 is just you disrespecting the one life you have to live.

Make it count.

JB, you know I almost always agree with your answers, and for the most part, agree with what you say. I do have to point something out that might or might not be what's happening in this particular situation.

I was in a long term relationship with a man that I totally trusted. We were the best of friends. He got up every morning and went to work, and he came home every night for dinner. I could usually pin point where he would be at any moment in the day. I didn't try to spy on him, I just knew because he would tell me, and I trusted him. Anytime I needed to get a hold of him for one reason or another, he was always where he said he would be.

I didn't have blinders on, because I had been in a previous relationship that ended very badly, so I watched for signs. I wasn't being naïve, or just hoping that everything would be just fine if I ignored it. There were no signs until..! My "it" guy, was a very good actor and liar. He left no evidence, and didn't bring up any red flags. Sometimes they are just really good at it.

She shouldn't have gone back after the abuse, but from the lessons I learned prior to the relationship I just spoke of, they beat you down and take away all of yourself confidence pride, and sense of yourself. I can honestly say it's like brainwashing.

When I look back on the relationship I'm speaking of now, I can't believe that was even me! It seems like someone else's life! So until you are there engulfed in the situation, it's really hard to say what you would do. I sure as hell never thought I would stick around for something like that, and used to get upset with other people that did. But one day I woke up and realised that "I" was that person.

Luckily I got out of both relationships. The prior one had red flags just blowin in the wind, and sirens going off everywhere. The next was a calm gentle breeze until the "fit hit the shan", and I was out of there.

So I guess what I'm trying to say, is that it is not always as black and white as it appears.

I still really enjoy reading all of your answers though. ;)

8 years is a long time to turn your back on, but that's exactly what you must do, while focusing on you and what makes you happy for a change.

You have a big hole in your soul to fill, and it starts with loving yourself enough to be good to you, and with building a whole new life without him in it. Not easy, but in time you will know the people, and activities you like, and regroup around that.

All the things you couldn't think of doing before, you can now, so never contact him again, and be very good to yourself. Good Luck!

Take everyone else's advice. Know you are not alone, you are a great catch and will find someone who loves you and will be faithful soon enough. Keep your head up!

Starbuck has really good advice.. she has been in your spot.. she know what pain you are feeling..

It's really hard to let someone go, when you love them so much.. but please don't keep talking to him on the phone.. it's not good, he's just trying to woo you back.. he's probably a smooth talker.. and knows what works for you..

Please, don't take this man back, he disrespected you in the worst ways possible!! And people don't change... remember that.. if he beat you once, he WILL do it again.. you need to get yourself esteem back and find someone that is well worth your time..

Thank you all for the advice and experiences to help shed some light. I know what I need to do, it's just hard to find the strength in myself to let go because I loved him so much. I am beyond drained and I feel hopeless. Everyday is a struggle to get through and lately I've been talking and counseling myself constantly to make me feel better. Is that normal? Hehe... cause I feel like I'm going crazy! Lol. By the way, to answer JB question, I am 28 years old. I know should've expected more (marriage and a family) from someone that "says" they love me and I did at times but I was just happy to be where I was... perhaps I lowered my standards because I got used to being in the "comfort zone” of just knowing that I have him there. I know I defiantly deserved more from him because I gave him everything. I know this sounds absurd, but when I think of cutting all ties to him I feel bad as if I'm leaving him behind or something and I have this guilt. I know that's crazy but I can't help it, I am so sensitive to other peoples feelings that I put mine aside when I know I shouldn't. Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!
I'm wondering the same thing, why let his actions bring you guilt to the point you have allowed it. Love yourself more than you love him, sensitive or not!

Thank you all for the advice and experiences to help shed some light. I know what I need to do, it’s just hard to find the strength in myself to let go because I loved him so much. I am beyond drained and I feel hopeless. Everyday is a struggle to get through and lately I’ve been talking and counseling myself constantly to make me feel better. Is that normal? hehe...cause I feel like I’m going crazy! lol. By the way, to answer JB question, I am 28 years old. I know should've expected more (marriage and a family) from someone that "says" they love me and I did at times but I was just happy to be where I was...perhaps I lowered my standards because I got used to being in the "comfort zone” of just knowing that I have him there. I know I defiantly deserved more from him because I gave him everything. I know this sounds absurd, but when I think of cutting all ties to him I feel bad as if I’m leaving him behind or something and I have this guilt. I know that’s crazy but I can’t help it, I am so sensitive to other peoples feelings that I put mine aside when I know I shouldn’t. Why am I feeling like this when HE is the one to blame…I wish I can just have this hate and let go!

I was, and I guess I still am to a point, just like you describe. I worry too much about other people to my own detrement. It's a good quality if you know when to draw the line, but it can also get you into some serious trouble. It WAS his doing, and you don't have to feel like you are leaving him behind! HE LEFT YOU BEHIND!

Again, I know it's not easy, but you have to really bite the bullet, and let go of him, or he will do more damage. Not even necessarily physical, but phychological damage, and that is harder to recover from. I have said it before, and I will say it again, (although I wish it on no one) I would rather be physically beaten, than be mentally broken down to the point where you don't even know yourself anymore.

Just think about it okay?!

Thanks all. So Update, yesterday I heard more scoop on him….I guess he was seen out talking to other girls at bars etc. ughhh it hurt me but I think that this is a turning point now. I thought about it all last night, how through all this torment I am enduring he is STILL is out there doing what he does.. CHEAT and LIE when I still had the heart to hear him out and answer his pleading calls and texts. I am going to force myself to accept that he never loved me in the first place as I loved him. I confronted him about his “outings” and that I am done with him (via text) and he was so cold about it with this reply - "I haven't heard from you in days and you come up with this bullsh**! don't call me anymore”. He is running behind the fact that he “tried” enough to win me back all those months so now its OK for him to put me off. It's so easy for him to forget and turn his back on me when HE did wrong and I am the one depressed about it, oh how life isn't fair…

After years of captivity to his BS, your free at last, and should be celebrating.

Thanks all. So Update, yesterday I heard more scoop on him….I guess he was seen out talking to other girls at bars etc. ughhh it hurt me but I think that this is a turning point now. I thought about it all last night, how through all this torment I am enduring he is STILL is out there doing what he does..CHEAT and LIE when I still had the heart to hear him out and answer his pleading calls and texts. I am going to force myself to accept that he never loved me in the first place as I loved him. I confronted him about his “outings” and that I am done with him (via text) and he was so cold about it with this reply - "I haven't heard from you in days and you come up with this bullsh**!, don't call me anymore”. He is running behind the fact that he “tried” enough to win me back all those months so now its ok for him to put me off. It's so easy for him to forget and turn his back on me when HE did wrong and I am the one depressed about it, oh how life isn't fair…

Of course that is what he said to you! You caught him in one of his games, so his only defense is to try and make it look as if it's your fault. Oh how typical! He wants you back, but only on his terms and conditions right? That is what cheaters and liars do! They will play the role to get what they want in any particular situation!

I know the hurt, and also the embarrassment of having your friends, and aquaintances seeing him out flirting, yucking it up, and making a fool of himself, with a bunch of young girls. He has no respect for your feelings at all. You are so much better off without him! The only worse thing you could have done in your 8 yr relationship, is stayed with him for 8 yrs and 1 day!

Give yourself some time to get over this creep, focus on you, and then get out there and just have fun! ;)

(are you sure this isn't my ex?. hahahaha! )

HAHAHA! I would really question it if I was in Canada as well! ;) Thank you starbuck8 and talaniman for listening to me.

Anytime hun... anytime! Take care of yourself, and I wish you all the best!

OK so I’ve posted my story on here before about my heart break and what I'm going through at the moment (8yr relationship broken after I found out that he cheated) and I thought that dealing with this was enough so what could possibly be worse than finding out that your significant other has cheated? Well today I feel worse than ever… I found out that he is seeing someone else and this absolutely kills me…it feels even worse than finding out that he cheated ( I know that sounds weird). I don’t know what to do, how to think, the thoughts of him with someone else haunts me and I try not to think about it and move on with what makes me happy but its so hard. It’s been 4 months and through it all he was pleading for me to come back and now…poof he’s done! I guess it’s this other girl or girls that he is interested in. I know that staying with him is wrong and things will never be the same but how can he move on so fast after 8 years!? He threw away all that we built though the years and cheated and here I am sad, lonely and depressed and haven’t even had ANY urge to be with anyone new. I know that I need a good kick in the to get over it but I am so hurting inside right now that I have loved someone that obviously didn’t feel the same, it all feels like an illusion or dream…I’m so numb to everything… if it wasn’t for this forum I would lose it so thanks everyone for taking the time to hear me out.

If he values your 8 yr relationship whe wouldn't have cheated either. What to do now? Be busy and read advices here.This shall pass.

I'm just going to rewrite some things you wrote. You can choose to start thinking my way or stay stuck in yours.


I thought that dealing with this was enough so what could possibly be worse than finding out that your significant other has cheated??

What's worse then being cheated on, how about death, losing a limb, spear through the brain. Now that you're a little off topic, going back to the relationship, how about staying with someone after they cheated because your to afraid to leave. You took the tough road and stuck up for yourself and drew the line in the sand as to where his disrespect of you would stop.


Well today I feel worse than ever…

Today, you are having natural combination of emotions that are giving you strength because when your down you know you can take even more... which strengthens you for future issues which will not be at this level.


I found out that he is seeing someone else and this absolutely kills me…

Or, it's awesome to know I didn't waste another minute with someone who is not at the same level of commitment that I am.


it feels even worse than finding out that he cheated ( I know that sounds weird). I don’t know what to do, how to think, the thoughts of him with someone else haunts me and I try not to think about it and move on with what makes me happy but its so hard. It’s been 4 months and through it all he was pleading for me to come back and now…poof he’s done!

And now poof... he got desperate and hooked up with the nearest person to try and take his mind off the one he let get away.


I guess it’s this other girl or girls that he is interested in. I know that staying with him is wrong and things will never be the same but how can he move on so fast after 8 years!???

Or how lucky am I that after that time I see that he was not emotionally compatible with me.


He threw away all that we built though the years and cheated and here I am sad, lonely and depressed and haven’t even had ANY urge to be with anyone new.

Or, I am at a growth stage in my life and my priorities do not involve dating someone but rather focusing on myself and what I can do to improve my life.


I know that I need a good kick in the to get over it but I am so hurting inside right now that I have loved someone that obviously didn’t feel the same, it all feels like an illusion or dream…I’m so numb to everything… if it wasn’t for this forum I would lose it so thanks everyone for taking the time to hear me out.

Well this forum is great, and I will admit that I've never come from an 8 year relationship (3 years is my record) but the focus of your thoughts are all about the hurt, which is natural but it is up to you to turn this around so your brain, emotions and life are going in your favor working towards your own happiness and fulfillment. Right now your focus is on him and what he's done, what he's doing, where he's at, etc. I know that's natural, but when you start having these thought you must turn them around in your favor. Sometimes it's going to be easy, and sometimes it's going to be harder but if you keep focusing on the positive... and sometimes it takes real focus and determination your brain will follow.

the focus of your thoughts are all about the hurt, which is natural but it is up to you to turn this around so your brain, emotions and life are going in your favor working towards your own happiness and fulfillment. Right now your focus is on him and what he's done, what he's doing, where he's at, etc. I know that's natural,

Chuff is so right, as right now all you know is pain and misery, I understand. Much to soon to even think any other way, but there is no magic pill to take it away from you, so we can only hug, and support you from afar, until you can see something, besides misery and pain.

Do something good for yourself, like treat yourself to a makeover. It will get better. Hang in there.

Thank you Chuff and Talaniman for putting things into perspective. I know that I deserve better and one day I will be happy again, I just need to emotional "cleanse" myself right now before I move on - but I'm going to take it day by day until the pain fades. I am in shock and sometimes denial that he is someone that I spent 8 years with turned into someone that I don't really know at all. He use to be shy and reserved for the most part and now he has so much confident, is arrogant - basically he has grown to have big head now and thinks that he can have any girl he wants. Through a mutual friend, he was saying that he has all these girls that want him blah blah blah (by the way we both are 28 years old! He's acting like a highschooler) It makes me sick to my stomach and I am starting to hate him. He has toally changed on me. Is this change of attitude just a cover up to his emotions? I probably sounds like a broken record but I don't understand how a human being can be so cold and cut off someone that gave everything to them for 8 years. Thanks for listening to me.

Your hurt because you gave so much, and got so little in return, your human and cared, that's good.

I am in shock and sometimes denial that he is someone that I spent 8 years with turned into someone that i dont really know at all.

People change, especially after 8 years. The someone you knew 8 or even 4 years ago is not the same person he is today. Some people strive to get better, some don't get anywhere, and most get better then get knocked down. You're here reaching out so that means your one of the majority and that means you CHOOSING to get back up. Some people never do, at least you know that you can and will, you are just seeking some reassurance and guidance for the road ahead.

He on the other hand has apparently decided... or more accurately out of desperation been forced to find comfort with those who do not care about him or his situation and they are just using him in his current downturn. Not exactly a great place to be, nor one for you to be jealous of, upset with, or worrying about.


He use to be shy and reserved for the most part and now he has so much confident, is arrogant

Confidence and arrogance are no where close to each other. Confidence is doing what you want on your terms for the good of yourself and the betterment of your life. Arrogance is someone scared and emotionally shaken who has to over emphasis everything they do in hopes of impressing those around them because they hope for some outside approval or reaction.


- basically he has grown to have big head now and thinks that he can have any girl he wants.

Maybe he can, so could Elvis Presley and look where that got him. Getting any girl is not the same as someone who has there head on straight. Nor is it YOUR best interest to be with someone who thinks sleeping with any girl is the best way to maintain a relationship.


Through a mutual friend, he was saying that he has all these girls that want him blah blah blah

Blah blah blah is right. The old I'm screwing 100 models to make her jealous routine. Perhaps he told your friend that so you would coming running back to him. You need to start framing this stuff in your favor, this man is desperate and instead of noticing it your letting it get to you.



(by the way we both are 28 years old! hes acting like a highschooler) It makes me sick to my stomach and I am starting to hate him.

Hate can be a powerful emotion... if you let it get the best of you it can guide your behavior, but at the same time it can also knock you loose from the grip and move you forward.

From what you write here, and I know this is difficult given the situation your in but I think you might try humor as an emotion to follow. If you read this in a year from now I think your going to be laughing at how desperate this guy looks with some of his behavior... and if you can look back and laugh at this later, my question to you is why wait?


He has toally changed on me. Is this change of attitude just a cover up to his emotions?

Some of it yes. Some it is that people change after 8 years. That's life and human growth and now is an awesome time for you to embrace it and find some things you are good at and do them or focus on some things you haven't done in awhile and go back to them. His change in lifestyle can be to YOUR benefit should you choose to take the positive road ahead.


I probably sounds like a broken record but I dont understand how a human being can be so cold and cut off someone that gave everything to them for 8 years. Thanks for listening to me.

We all sound like a broken record after a break up. It's part of the brain that protects us in emotional situations by slowly bringing down the denial so that reality will be easier to accept. Congradulate yourself, your brain is working perfectly. I know that sounds odd but you have to start taking every thought and every situation and turning it around in your favor. Right now you're a broken record of questions and emotions that lead to a negative result... which I fully understand that is completely natural, but you can start directing those emotions to positive statements for you and for you positive results.

Example, "How could he do that after 8 years?" change it to "How lucky that I have a future to explore that is mine on my terms." If you keep doing this, this will turn your brain around and it will follow. You just have to get leverage by putting more good in then letting the bad direct and focus your life.

So today is a hard day. (Please see my earlier thread for the story, thanks) I've been Ok for a couple of days and today I just broke down and cried at work. I don't know what came over me. I feel so drained and overly stressed out that its affecting my health. I fear that I will never find anyone – I'm getting discouraged. I feel so depressed and stuck in a hole, I don't know what to do. I try to find things to do to stay busy but it is constantly on my mind. I know that I deserve better and what I miss are just the memories of 8 yrs together and I have to quickly force myself to think about why I left him and all his faults. I can't believe that someone that I shared my life with for so long ended up being someone that deceived me for so long. I get so frustrated at myself for not seeing it earlier and wasting all those years! How can someone just do that with no conscience?? I don't understand. I am a person with moral and believe in karma... how many of you believe in karma or had any experience karma? Thanks for listening.

The only thing that will truly heal this is time. Be patient with yourself and just believe that time will heal. There are certain things you can do to expedite the healing, such as focusing on yourself and realizing that you cannot control anyone else and there is no point in trying to figure out anyone else's motivations.

He is probably seeing someone else to help him get over you and it just looks like he's moved on so quickly. Either way, it's none of your business and you should stop worrying about what he's doing or why. I know it's easier said than done.

Also, take a look at your thought process. Right now, it is very gloomy and negative, such as "no one will ever love me again" etc, but that's just not true. Listen to your own thoughts and catch them any time they start getting negative, then try to replace them with more positive statements. Once again, easier said than done.

I have found that meditation really helps to calm the mind and focus on changing negative thoughts to positive ones.

I can't add much more, besides telling you that it was 8 years of your life you devoted to this man so a lot more time will be needed. It will get better, I promise you this!

Thanks. It just so hard. I feel like I've been gutted out and have nothing left in me. Im sort of use to being depressed and unhappy all the time. Today I texted him asking for my stuff and some money that he owed and he was really straight forward about it. I guess it hurt me that he has really moved on and doesn't even try anymore. I want this but its hard to grasp. I hate being weak and I feel that I am always weak to him. How can I still have these feelings and he can shut me out... I guess nothing is fair. TOday is yet another hard day that I have struggled to get through.

Keep posting here and surrounding yourself with people who will listen and help you. Look into those meditation classes I was talking about, look up buddhism in your area or "dharma talks" or something like that. It's OK to keep journaling or talking about until you feel better.

This will take some time, but be gentle on yourself.

Firstly don't think you wasted 8 years of your life because that is not true, nothing goes to waste! These 8 years of your life have shaped you as a person and have prepared you for all the great things you will experience in the future. You should stop thinking about what he is doing and start focusing your thoughts elsewhere. I am going through a similar situation although mine was only 3 years and she left me for the person she cheated on me with. One thing that helps is taking it one day at a time and arranging small things to do, ahead of time so that you have something to look forward to (going on trips with friends, meeting with people you haven't seen for a long time, anything that will distract you).

I do believe in karma and I am sure you will find someone that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated but your first priority should be to be able and stand strong on your own two feet. You have been given another opportunity to experience better and greater things. You should not regret any of the things you did in the past just look at the future positively and you will get what you deserve.

I hate being weak and I feel that I am always weak to him. How can I still have these feelings and he can shut me out....i guess nothing is fair.

You call this situation weak? You and I could not disagree more. I think that someone who said after all this time that her pride and dignity were more important than sticking around with someone who is using her is strength. A weak person would have stuck around and let it happen again. A strong person said, this is going to suck for awhile but I can't be disrespected any longer.

Your right that nothing is fair... but at the same time if you focus on that then you going to get more of it. I don't think it's fair that OJ Simpson is rich and I'm not. But I'm not going to let that stop me enjoying life. Now I'm not saying this isn't going to be hard but at the same time, you absolutely must start focusing on the good things you have in life, even if they are small. You can build off that. The brain is designed to always think negative, as a protection device, so you have to force yourself to hold onto the positive.

You've all heard this saying... "once a cheater always a cheater". Who believes this to be true? My ex of 8yrs cheated and embarrasingly probably cheated throughout our entire relationship (I never once cheated on him btw). He has apologized and pleaded with me for months after the breakup and recently stopped all contact with me which leads me to believe he has moved on with someone else. Could he have learned from our relationship to be a better man in his next relationship? It kills me to think of all I have invested only to better his next. I hope this is making sense... thanks for listening.

I understand your situation. I found out that my ex of two years always went to this girls house t just "hang out" but he was hoplessly in love with her. And I took that for cheating.. and he promised to change, and when he did I would be the first one he came back for because then he knew he would be perfect for me.. . you had 8 years with that guy.. and he did nothing but cheat.. and now maybe you think he's changed, but chances are he hasn't. You did nothing wrong, and maybe down the road (more months, and even years) he'll realize it. But as of now, you have to get priorities and he should be at the bottom of the list. He's just a lesson to be learned, and when he comes back, its up to you. Hope I helped

It has been my experience that cheaters never change. If they do it is because they have no choice,like mostly health reasons,and the last one they are with gets the joys of being caregiver

I know exactly how you feel. USED....and now JEALOUS.

PSST: The big picture below :-)

**Here's the thing. The fact is if you have the guts to walk away 100% from the guy AND any guys like that, you will find a guy that will make you forget him in a second. ***

But you got to have guts.

I tell people this all the time: the ones that have the guts to feel real pain but not look back for relief when disrespected, will always climb the ladder to a better mate.

MANY CANNOT look forward.

Look forward and you may be quite surprised what you see!
.

I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. People cheat for different reasons and sometimes there are circumstances which led up to it, it doesn't mean that they will cheat again or with every relationship.

If this guy cheated throughout your entire relatinship he won't change, this is his behavior. It was probably nice , to him, having his cake and ice cream too. He had no respect for your relationship and if he cherish what your had he would have stop after the first affair. This shows he had no guilt. Do you prefer to have someone to treat you good or treat you like crap? Do you want someone who's going only commit to you or sleep with whoever he wants with no regards to your relationship?

Who cares if he found someone else, let them deal with his bs. You better off with him. Do you want to spend one more year and deal with his cheating and lies? Remember dogs has flees and their hard to get rid of. Heal yourself and leave him in the past and don't settle. There's more fish in sea.

I believe this to be true also , my husband of 10 years was also visiting a female who he had been friends with for 5 years before I came along , he told me he thought he had feelings for her so I promptly threw him out because I was 99.9 % sure he had done the deed , he moved in with her and they became an item , this man is now cheating on her and has been for the whole time he s been with her ! So yes I do believe once a cheater always a cheater .

No people can change, do most, no, but it is possible, I know serious drugs, men who would sleep wiith any women but they turned htier life around.

Count yourself lucky, and pray for his next victim.

Hey there. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. I do believe that people change. However, in your case, I must say that your ex is probably going to repeat that in his next relationship. But then again I could be wrong. If he cheated several times, that a problem.
As I said before, I know from personal experience that people can change . They just have to find someone they can't get out of their head or maybe if they get everything they want from the relationship. But I also know that there are some compulsive cheater out there, who no matter how good their partner treats them, they are always inclined to cheat. For your case however, I would suggest that you just leave the past to where it belongs. Consider yourself lucky and hope for a bright future, with a guy who won't cheat on you. Hope this helps...

Your ex is one of the reasons why females do not want to date males.

Today is so hard and I am more depressed than ever. I've posted on here before and my apologies for sounding like a broken record but this is the only place I can turn to for advice.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years 5 months ago (he cheated and probably cheated throughout the relationship) It’s been hard however I am trying to move on as best I can. I have my ups and down days and I do try to get out with the very few friends that I have but nothing seems to work, I come home and I feel empty again. Lately it’s been a struggle to eat and sleep, I guess it’s the rejection I am feeling since I know he’s moved on for sure now and must have someone else occupying his time because he doesn’t even contact me anymore– ughhh, I feel like its day one again. I find myself thinking about him, what he’s doing, who’s he with and how much I miss him yet I hate him, I though I was on the road to recovery! I know I shouldn’t be thinking about these things and I try to concentrate my thoughts on something else….. harder said than done. I really feel that I’m slipping into depression. I want to sleep all the time because that is the only time I’m not constantly thinking about it. Is this normal behavior of the grieving process? Why are the feelings all of a sudden so intense again? I don’t understand myself and I feel like I’m losing it! I keep hearing that time will heal…I just want this feeling to pass already. I was thinking about seeing a doctor, do depression medications really help? I hate to resort to that, I wanted to deal with these feelings on my own but I can’t handle this anymore. Don’t know what to do…please help thanks.

Perhaps you've had stress in other areas of your life, and this is just mounting on top of it... making it worse and worse. Depression meds do help, but I suggest going to alternative routes before seeking medication, such as a therapist or a counselor.

Have you tried to distract yourself lately, or have you been wallowing? The easiest way to get distracted is to pick up the phone, call a friend, and go grab something to eat. It'll help you catch up with friend, and it'll keep you sane for a couple of hours. While you're with that friend, stay awayyyy from the ex topic... focus on talking about other things. You got to get out and out of your head.

Bless your heart! I can relate to so much of what you've said and how you feel. I HAVE been there. Spent 10 years with a man and gave it my ALL! First of all, ask yourself if what you are grieving for is what you "dreamed" a future with him might be... instead of what it actually WOULD be! Sounds like he would not give you the loyalty, respect, financial and moral support, friendship... that is in true love. That doesn't mean you aren't worthy of those things though! When my ex moved on... I was bitter for YEARS! Wasted so much time and energy... but letting go is often easier said than done. A GOOD therapist can be SO helpful! They help you with depression, self esteem and finding other things to THINK about... and seeing the past relationship for what it actually WAS. I suggest a good therapist. You sound very depressed and I've been there as well with all the symptoms you mentioned. I've had to take medication... but I DO recommend that you try counseling FIRST for awhile before considering medication... I've struggled with low self esteem due to my parents divorced and neither wanting me... My grandma raised me. I was then in an abusive marriage 10 years... I didn't know what a HEALTHY/NORMAL relationship was SUPPOSED to feel like! You are a gentle, caring, tender hearted, compassionate and good person! But you have to learn to BELIEVE that. Self help books can be quite helpful. I've read many! If money is an issue, many can be checked out at a library! You need to learn to truly love yourself and be content alone... after that... you can find true happiness. You won't be alone forever! Now... I look back after many years at all the time I wasted wanting my ex back and being bitter... and wonder why I put up with him as long as I did! Believe it or not! But it took me YEARS and therapy! Time "usually" does help heal... but if depression and self esteem are major issues... time doesn't help as much... My heart goes out to you! When you wake up tomorrow... just think... some are blind... cannot see the sky, clouds, butterflies... Some are deaf... cannot HEAR laughter, music, conversation, birds singing, rain falling, etc. Some are in wheelchairs... Still good people with much to offer... but my point is you are young... healthy, bright, have a good heart and are wasting it grieving over someone that is simply NOT worthy of it. Blessings to you! Hang in there and care about YOU! It's not selfish!!

I'm wondering how active you are, and if your wallowing in your own misery? Click on the link in my signature to see how others have overcome the same situation, and come out better people.

Having said that, I know you have invested a lot of time, and emotion into someone who has betrayed your trust, and it will take a lot of time to find yourself, and who you are again.

Don't isolate yourself, as the mourning process is only beginning, and frankly you have much to do. Stop thinking of the past, but of things you have put off doing, places you want to go, and activities you have missed out on.

I know its not easy, rebuilding your life, so I do understand the need for a shoulder to cry on, and this is a great place to vent.

Make this your personal venting place, meaning this thread, and put your feelings where they can be seen and dealt with, and you can get our support, and shoulders. Crying towels are free, and we have plenty.

Here is the right place, you will find many many people are heartbroken, and we all need heal ourselves, to believe those spouses will not come back, they move on, so, we need to move on too, so, please don't torture yourself, call friends, do something distract, there are plenty people on this world, he just don't worth your love, you deseve a better one, it will be time to get over the pain, I know the pain, its really hurt, please don't think back of the past, it does help for a remedy, think forward, love yourself, dress up, to be attractive, you will find the right person, that's also what I told myself.

Goodkarma - I can relate for sure because I am having a bad day today. Been 3 months since the breakup. Been having my ups and downs. Fortunately the downs are much less as time passes but they still come and today is one of those days as I'm struggling right now. Getting over the grieving process takes a long time and it's normal. I need to get out of the house to get my thoughts off her. I think I'll go see a movie or something. Need to do something where I am enjoying the time...

Talaniman secret-

We humans all have good days, and bad ones too! Doesn't matter if we are happy, or not, or in a relationship or not.

When things are great those bad days don't shake us up as much, but when things are not so great, everything seems awful.

The bad news, even the good days are here, and gone so quickly. The good news is it's the same way with the bad days, they only SEEM longer.

The saying, " time flies when your having fun" applies to the healing process.

Weather or not you see a doctor or counselor is entirely up to you. If you find your depression is getting in the way of your ability to function as a person. IE your job or paying your bills, I'd advise you do it immediately. Loss of appetite and sleeping a lot are natural reactions to depression.

As time goes on your ups won't be so up and your downs won't be so down and eventually you'll level out again. While I understand saying don't think about what's going on in his life is like when people say don't worry about something, try your best. Find time occupying things. I personally started training in MMA and it helped me get into great shape and opened up an entirely new network of people to me. I'd recommend something physical that will leave you feeling better about yourself afterwards. Don't do the normal gym crap that people do and say it doesn't work. It doesn't work because people don't push themselves. If you can't push yourself, hire someone to push you.

Today is so hard and I am more depressed than ever. I've posted on here before and my apologies for sounding like a broken record but this is the only place I can turn to for advice.


I wanted to deal with these feelings on my own but I can’t handle this anymore. Don’t know what to do…please help thanks.

No need to apologize and you don't sound like a broken record. This place is here for you because you need it in your life right now and these people are here for you because you need them to help you through this.

Dealing with these feelings on your own is usually what we attempt to do first but sometimes the pain is to intense and we need to ask for help. Sometimes we just need someone to listen.

Could he have learned from our relationship to be a better man in his next relationship?

Very doubtful. Otherwise, even if your relationship couldn't work out, he'd be acknowledging how badly he treated you, apologizing for it & tell you all the work he did on himself to become a person worth being in a relationship with, none of which has happened. If he cheated repeatedly & has learned nothing from it other than to move on to his next victim, he won't be a better man with the next one only better at covering up his lies & deceit.

Once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater at all. Many people change dramatically all the time, but it is rarely something that just happens automatically, without the desire to & the willingness to make that needed change a top priority & putting new better habits in place (like honesty & faithfulness). Lots of people make terrible choices even for a long time but it doesn't mean they are doomed to stay that way if they want to be different badly enough. There are plenty of examples of that all over the world.

However, with your ex there is no evidence he actually made any changes, only that he wanted you to take him back. So unless he showed by actions that he was making the needed changes, most likely he is latched on to someone he thinks he can get away with it again & probably will... for a while at least.

Your life is bound to be improved without the stress & angst of being caught in the trap of an unrepentant serial cheater... & staying there...

Good Luck!

If "once a cheater, always a cheater" was true than the opposite would also be true which it is not of "once an honest person, always an honest person" for example.

Just like people can change for the better, some can & do for the worse. Which is why after decades of being wonderful people they suddenly become capable of doing the most terrible things for extended periods. Some even stay that way for the rest of their lives despite having been good people for a majority of the time prior to that downward shift that took place.

Good people can do bad things & bad people can do good things at least part of their lives. But of course, some people are simply terrible jerks or horrible human beings from their first breath to their last, period. And of those, some even manage to hide that ugliness for significant amts of time to a lot of people. Which is why you often see the shocked neighbors of the friendly serial killer or rapist down the street saying they had no clue & how nice they were to everyone "all the time". Obviously, NOT to their victims.

It is definitely true there is a certain amt of people that are not capable of change but most are if motivated enough & willing to do the needed work, which is easier with the proper support.

I'm still having a hard time letting go. Its been 8 months now and I still love him and miss him so much when I know I shouldn't. I have done all the things to try to keep my mind off him... exercise, work, watch movies, hang out with friends and family, read etc and I still think of him everyday. I can't get out of this depressed state of mind and it worries me. I am 29 years old and have never been so confused about life as much as I am right now. I was with him for 8 yrs and now Im having to adjust without him and Im having a hard time. At first I was excited to experience what's out there for me and through the months nothing seems to be going right for me. Sometimes I want to fall back into the comfort of him because its easy and he did make me happy but I can't bring myself to be with a cheater. He has been pleading with me for months and months to come back and I have been trying to stand my ground but its getting harder and harder to resist. I don't know if its because I don't have anyone in my life... I just feel like nothing is happening for me. I'm afraid that I will never find anyone. I am a good person with good morals and I work for all that I have. I just want to be happy again and it seems so far away. My motivation for anything is deteriorating and I am losing hope. What's wrong with me? Time seems to be moving so slowly. Is 8 months still normal for this grieving process? Please someone help me understand what I'm feeling.

Thanks for your time,
Goodkarma

Stay strong sweet heart you are doing the right thing.

It was false and even if you did go back with him he would still be a cheater
And you would suffer for it even more later on.

8 years is a long time. Its not going to happen over night

8months is nothing. And there is no time limit on the feeling of loss

But your on the right road.
No contact and I promise you. This ill pass.

Just keep on going day by day!

My only advice. Stick to your guns!

Take all that time you would've spent giving time to him and go find someone to donate that time to. Use that time for the sole benefit of someone with a need. It will completely change your center.

Reading and walking with folks at a retirement center or convalescent home. Working late hours at the Boys and Girls club. Sign up to be a Big Sister to a needy teen. Join a busy and active youth group at a large church as a worker.

In short, put some significant time into your schedule to focus on making the world a better place, one person at a time, through your efforts.

That should definitely help.

I was with him for 8 yrs and now I'm having to adjust without him

Keep doing what your doing, 8 months is nothing compared to the 8 years you spent with someone. Geez, you deserve all the time you need and I know its got to be hard.

Volunteering is the only thing I can think of, or a class to learn a new skill.

I kind of had this situation where I got out of a long term relationship girl be patient there is hope. You will find what your looking for but be cautious of who you give your heart to but just remember people don't get you down they let you down it is up to you to bring yourself back up. Wish you the best!

The reason you haven't moved on is because you haven't allowed yourself to do so.


He's obviously still contacting you and you're letting him. Let me fix your problem:

Don't call him, he's a cheater. BLOCK his number, BLOCK his email, just avoid everything about this guy. The reason it's still bothering you is because you're able to STILL hear from this guy. Don't even allow yourself to read what he has to say. You deserve better, you know you do.

Be strong about this. The longer you don't hear from him, the easier things will eventually become. Remember, stay away from him and he will eventually go away, including the thoughts of him.

Oh you poor thing! I know EXACTLY how you feel.

First off, do NOT go back to him. He cheated on you. Even if it was just once, he still cheated on you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Think about how much it would drive you crazy if you two got back together. You would constantly be wondering if he's cheating on you whenever the two of you aren't together. That's not fair to yourself, and it's not healthy.

So, what to do about your current state?

I know it's hard, but you have to stop thinking about him. It's been 8 months... perhaps you could try dating again. I'm not suggesting a relationship, but just dating might be helpful. I also think it would help to completely cut him out of your life for a while. If he's constantly contacting you, you're never going to move on.

I hope this helps!

Hey Hun, let me tell you. You keep your head up through this. I am a 24 young female, and I was with my boyfriend for 8 yrs as well. I brought thuis guy everything. I was his everything. I did nothing but Love him. I gave him two kids as well.. I put my schooling on hold, allowing him to try and finish. My world revolved around him. That was my first mistake. He cheated and cheated and cheated.. told me no one would want me because I had two kids. The only thing he never did was hit me. But he didn't have too because he mentally tore me apart. It took me to finally put my foot down and say I wasn't taking it anymore, for me to see from looking on the outside analyzing the situation I was in: that this was not where I wanted to be. Now don't get me wrong. I was depressed, sick to my stomach.. honey the whole nine. But its going to take you to do like I did, and digg deep down and find yourself again. Bc once you know yourself, and your happiness.. No one can take that from you. I let him take that from me.. I was wrong for doing that. He doesn't see his kids.. he doesn't want too. Hes with another girl now, and what makes me so upset is that its not the fact that he's with her. But that he seems like he has chnged so much.. How.. Why couldn't you do that with your family?. I wonder... I really don't understand it... At all... I mean she buys him everything, does everything for him... and I'm feeling like that's why.. And I know you ask some of these same questions to yourself... But let me tell you something sooo true.. U two have history... something she doesn't.. Know that this is not a competiotion.. LET IT GO... because when you get over him, and let him go... they always pop bk up... but its going to be UR decsision to take him bk.. friend or boyfriend...

I don’t know how to deal with my feelings anymore and I need some advice. Ive been battling depression off and on for 3 years following my breakup from a long term relationship and everything in my life hasn’t been going so well since . Long story short, I left my ex of 8 years after I found out he cheated on me and more than on one occasion. Although we are no longer together we have remained in contact for the past 3 years usually via text. Never anything physical. Throughout this entire time we would text back and forth whether it be angry or him pleading for forgiveness kind of texts. I would give anything to get that life back but with all that he has done to me with the lying and cheating not to mention all my friends and family would not accept him and think I’m crazy…deep down I know I should not be little myself but I still love him and that is why this is so hard for me. My mind and my heart are constantly conflicting emotions.

Within this time having been alone, the experiences with dating other men, meeting new people, analyzing couples and their issues made me realize that love is love and no matter how hard I try I can’t shake what I feel . Doesn’t matter what I do, where I go, whom I’m with, and even how hard I try to train myself to re-think and break free from reliving the past.

I did some traveling over the holidays and it made me realize this even more. While I was away he text me asking again if we can work things out once and for good and for me to seriously think about it. I thought about it the entire trip and I let him know that I will notify him when I return. It left me with mixed feelings. Guilt because I was ashamed to even tell anyone what I was thinking/going to do and somewhat happy knowing that I will be able to talk/see him again because I miss him so much. It seems like time has eased the anger….perhaps I am fooling myself because I have nothing going on right in my life at the moment I don’t know. Anyway, when I returned I contacted him just to see how he was doing and noticed the energy has suddenly shifted. He’s hasn’t brought up what we discussed except saying that he’s tired of trying and that I can never make a decision amongst other issues he dug up which leads me to think he's making excuses now. He’s being passive. I know him too well. I do not initiate contact so I know he sees that I am trying for once. After a week or so I just feel he's just playing games with me so I told him that I wasn’t going to argue or pursue anything more because of the way he’s been acting and that he must not really wanted us to work out. He hasn’t replied to that since. It has to be that he is seeing someone because he wouldn’t act like this. Geez, he’s been pleading for years and when I finally open up he’s acting like he doesn’t care? I know its my own fault that I open the scars again. I just feel life is too short to try again with someone you love. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he hasn’t changed. I do take comfort in knowing that if he really genuinely loved me and wanted us he would’ve jumped at the opportunity that I presented but he chose different. Its confirmation to me that we will never be and that he is not good for me. I just feel so incredibly empty and worthless like I can't get my life together. I know I shouldn’t let ANYONE make me feel like this but I can’t help it. I know I will be better in a few weeks but this just hurts so much.

Sorry if I'm rambling. Thanks for reading.

Why do you keep poking that sharp stick into your eye?

I know wondergirl. I see that clear now. After all this time for once I finally do come around and this happens... something is obviously telling me. Ive been told and I agree that I need to be alone and discover my happiness by myself but its been so long I feel I need someone that genuninly cares for me to start a new relationship with to come into my life. And that hasn't yet so maybe that's why I keep holding out this sick hope of sticking around with this guy.

I agree that I need to be alone and discover my happiness by myself but
No "but" anything. The time has come. I hereby declare a moratorium in which you will be alone and discover who you are and figure out ways to be happy. (Psssst, no one can "make" you happy.)

It's January 8th. Let's start today. I'm here, and there are lots of AMHD experts who will chime in with their two cents.

First tell us (and yourself), who are you?

While you're thinking about that, I'm going to make some chocolate pudding and eat it. (Doing that makes me happy.) I might even call my mom. :) (Another happy thing.) That will give you time to think and write. Oh, and you don't have to post it here. Do this for you, not for us. For instance, list adjectives that describe you. Then list short phrases. Even divide the paper into left side-right side, and put positives on one side and negatives on the other. The main thing is that you be honest with yourself.

My money is on he found a new possibility over the holidays, and suddenly all that whining to try again with you flew out the window (his 'tired of trying' is a ruse, and you said yourself you sense that he's seeing someone). How many variations of cheating do you need? He's the kind of guy who HAS to be pursuing someone new all the time and yet have someone to fall back on. Why hasn't he told you the truth? Because he wants you to be waiting the next time he gets dumped. You might as well brand martyr on your forehead.

Many women have a variation on this - they have to keep a man hanging until they have someone new, because they are terrified of being without a man.

:) thanks. For the most part I feel I know myself a lot better but I know I still need more learning. Who am I?. I am a loyal partner who can be a lover as well as a friend. I like to share what I have material wise as well as experiences that will build upon the relationship. I value a true connection when there is one because its so hard to come by it seems. I love deeply and genuinely but when I am hurt my world can feel like it falls apart and I tend to let that control my everyday actions and emotions. I can bottle up my emotions pretty well so sometimes I just become a hermit until my sadness subsides. I can honestly say though I have become a stronger person from this experience. I just remind myself if I can survive what Ive been through I can do it again. I've been happy and content completely single before so I understand that I do not need someone to make me happy. I understand that's not healthy. From time to time I just fall into temptation I guess. I know it's because I want to re-live the past when I was happy and feel that comfort again. My main worry is that I will never get to have a family. I am going to be 32 this year and I'm upset at where Im at in my life. I had to move back to my folks house and was laid off a few months ago. This is what saddens me. I feel at the rate Im going time will pass so quickly I will miss the chance to experience this. I have been reading spiritual books and they have helped me immensely. To live in the present and enjoy the simple things in life. I am trying my best to follow it whole heatedly.

Major branding joypulv. I know this. Its fine if he found someone new. Hurts, but its fine. He going to be quick to forget me than like the other times I need to get that through my NOGGIN! At lease I didn't come across as overly eager and I did end it by telling him to forget it, that it won't work.

May I suggest that since you have finally decided to let go and heal properly after so much time since the break up, you address your more immediate and personal problems, and stay out of relationships until you get over your own neediness.

Don't deny it, because having read all your other posts, and this one, the fact is you make romance more of a priority than the reality of your situation. Not to be harsh, but as long as you define yourself by your rather romantic feelings, you can never accomplish other things to define yourself. You are more than feelings, you are about actions, and you cannot neglect the reality of what's more important than a relationship. It's a hard job you face to build a life that you enjoy without a guy to share it with, but that's exactly the challenge before you. Until you do, and take it seriously, you will never be ready for the right guy to share your happiness with. You have to be happy with your life and yourself fist, and if that's not your priority, then you will repeat past mistakes by paying too much attention to the ticking clock, that's taking up all your focus.

You need a more realistic priority, that meets you very real needs and at this time a guy, any guy ain't that important. A few true friends , and family, is the support system you need to build a solid foundation under yourself. Making a guy the foundation, is a fools journey.

Don't go there.