We have been together for 23 years. A few months ago my husband met a young women at work. They seemed to get on great. She then went overseas for a while. On her return they became friends again. I should point out my husband works away a lot. He took her out shopping and dinner. And they exchanged gifts at Christmas. When he is at home he spends at least and hour a day texting her. And talks about her all the time. Recently she told him she has feeling for him. I wasn't very happy. He said I should know he loves me and would never hurt me. And that I should trust him. He has never had a female friend before. I'm so confused. The time he spends texting her and talking to her and the way he talks about her makes me feel like he is falling in love with her and he doesn't even realized it yet. Any ideas about what I should do? Can you trust someone too much?

Yes, you see all the red flags and that is why you are here asking. I don't blame you. It seems to me though from what you describe that she is the one doing the pursuing and the fact that she probably knows he is married is quite alarming. She doesn't care, just wants your man.

If I were you, I would be contacting her and reading her the riot act, and then I would read it to him as well.

This has to be nipped in the bud and only hope that they have not gone as far as intimacy.

This has gone passed the issues of trust, jenny, so don't be confused, you see what you should be seeing.

Tick

She told him she has feelings for him. How did he handle that? Seems to me if he is still texting her so much he either enjoys stringing her along to boost his ego or he does in fact have some inappropriate feelings in return.

My own husband became obsessed with a younger female colleague over a year ago. In all honesty the issue isn't fully resolved even now. We have been married 25 years - probably some mid-life crisis thing (sigh).

My getting angry with him about what I saw as an emotional affair only caused him to put up his defences and start hiding his contact with her. I'm sure nothing physical happened but I still feel the emotional investment he had was inappropriate. It sounds like you are in a similar situation yourself, unless he is actually having a full blown affair. My own hubby got very angry as he felt that as long as nothing physical was happening I had no reason to be hurt. He could not accept that I had reason to develop trust issues after he started lying to me and seeing her behind my back. The more I made an issue of it the more he dug his heels in.

After a lot of making mistakes, a lot of patience, and a lot of tearing my hair out we have got to a place where he understands at last that the lying and the sheer obsessiveness he displayed were 'perhaps a bit wrong and over the top' in his words.

I have made it clear that if he wants her as a friend then I should be involved. Invite her round for a cuppa or meal or something. To me the bottom line is if she is just a friend he should be willing to include his wife and family in that friendship. Can't say I'm still entirely happy, too much has been done wrong for me to feel settled yet. I have now spoken to her by e-mail and she sent a christmas card to us both. Haven't got further than that as she has gone abroad for a few weeks.

I do feel that getting yourself into the picture might make you feel you have a little more control and understanding of the situation. If she is just a friend why shouldn't she be your friend too? Although if you are anything like me you might have to fix a smile on when meeting her whilst secretly feeling like banging both their thick skulls together. That's what I am currently anticipating if we do get together when she gets back.

I wish I could give you a definative answer as to what is going on in either your hubby's head or my own, or what is the best course of action.

I can only advise you not to harry him into getting defensive. Definitely a mistake I made. Do try and tell him how you feel and why in a non accusing way. I found writing it down in a letter or e-mail got through to him better than talking. Do remember to focus on keeping yourself as happy as possible. Don't make all your focus about this all the time - another mistake I made for a while, which left me feeling at the mercy of his behaviour.

In my own hubby's case, though I can't exactly explain it, I have come to understand it is much more about his ego and need to have female friends that has sort of got out of hand than about sexual attraction or anything like that. I think it makes him feel more hip, young, popular, that sort of thing. I don't know what is going on with yours.

I don't know if any of that helps but I do understand something of what you must be feeling and myself and others will happily be here for you to let off steam to. Coming on here and having a good vent and getting some feedback and support certainly helped me.

I'm between being reasonable, and being assertive. After 2+ decades married to one man, I'd say that gives you more than a little authority.

If my husband was doing what your husband is doing, I wouldn't care what the he** he thought of my reaction, I would make myself VERY clear that it has to stop. I would then contact the 'woman of interest' and let her know that her behaviour is totally inappropriate, and to back off.

I would like to think I could be more creative, and do as has been suggested, handle with kidd gloves, and invite her over for dinner. If I had the patience to do that, I'd be sure to drag out photo albums, and put on a slide show of the last 20 years of all the vacations and family gatherings that have taken place. May even strategically place all the prescription bottles on the kitchen table, along with a box of viagra, and a tube of rogaine.

Well, I might not go that far...

I would though, be making more visits to the office, and taking up more of his time. Show more interest in how he's spent his day, what's on his agenda for the week, and slot yourself in for a dinner out, or maybe plan a big kabang for his birthday- and invite her. I would hope she would feel like a fish out of water and make a quick exit.

Be creative perhaps instead of defensive, and step up your time investment with him. Think of her as a minor red flag at the moment, but, I would keep a close eye, and not underestimate her either.

May even strategically place all the prescription bottles on the kitchen table, along with a box of viagra, and a tube of rogaine.

Well, I might not go that far.............

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Oh, I would do all that in a heart beat if it got my point across. I especially like the viagra and the rogaine !

Tick

I like the invite her over part, and if he says no, then destroy his phone, and he sleeps on the couch.

If she says no, destroy his phone, and he sleeps on the couch.

On second thought, cut out the invitation, just destroy his phone, and make him sleep on the couch. If he is dumb enough to make the queen of the house mad, he deserves what ever he gets. Cold toast will make even the dumbest guy think.