My ex and I would have been together 3 years this coming Jan 25th. Things were great the first two years we were together. Her and her daughter lived with me for almost 2 years and we looked like the perfect couple in everybody's eyes. Towards the end of our relationship she said she was breaking up with me because I was taking her for granted. I wasn't treating her bad, it was just that I wasn't treating her like a girlfriend and I wasn't showing any sign of committing to her. To complicate things she met a guy that started coming around to her work that really wanted to date her. She would tell him all of our problems and he would tell her that he would never do that and that if she was with him, she would always feel special. Well one day we were fighting and I threatened to break up with her. It back fired in my face and I lost her at the end of August. Days later she begins dating the new guy. He showered her with fancy gifts, vacations, and did anything she asks. About a month later my ex and her new boyfriend started having problems because the guy knew she was still thinking about me. Of course I was still meddling trying to win her back. They broke up and we got back together at the beginning of October.

This second time around she said she needed to know I am committed to her because she loves me so much and that she sees me as somebody she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I shared the same feelings as her and even bought her a ring. However I still had doubts about her commitment to me. How she could easily go to another man or give up on the relationship when things are bad. Also financially I barely made enough to support myself. After house payments, bills, etc.. There was little left over. My ex owned a nail saloon with her parents. She had always said that the saloon makes nothing and she can not help out with bills. Yet after we broke up the first time she moved into an apartment paying $650/month. I told her one of the top things a couple fight over is money. I had paid for almost everything during our nearly 3 year relationship. I told her when we get married I am more than happy to take on the extra burden of providing for her and her daughter completely, but she would need to find a job to help contribute in some capacity. It doesn't have to be much but whatever she could contribute would be appreciated. At first she agreed she needs to be able to contribute to the relationship financially, but later she changed her attitude. She felt as if she is not good enough for me and all I care about is money. Secondly she was depressed my family didn't fully accept her back fully with open arms. They weren't rude to her, they just wanted us to be sure we weren't being wishy-washy before fully welcoming her back in. Thanksgiving came around and I had breakfast with her family. Her mother thinks of me as a son and wishes me to be her husband. For thanksgiving dinner I had it alone with my parents. A couple days later she texted my sister. My sister didn't recognize the number since my ex had to change her number so the last guy wouldn't call her anymore, but the text went as follows

Ex: “Happy Birthday”
Sister: "thank you who is this”
Ex; "this is Kim"
Sister: “Hi Kim J”
Ex: “happy Birthday”

My ex gets upset my sister didn't text back after the second happy birthday she texted. So my ex starts to be distant from me for a day or two. I notice right away she is withdrawing from me and get very sad. She asks me why I'm sad and that she loves me and wants to make me feel better. I tell her I'm sad that she's been distant lately. I love her so much that it hurts me deeply to see her distancing herself from me. She then explains she's just been under a lot of stress and that she's sorry for being distant and that she loves me very much. She leaves for work and give me a kiss. Well she goes to work and I'm assuming she's complaining to her clients about our relationship because when I talked to her later that night she says it's over because I have conditions about her needing to provide more financially before I will commit, my family hates her, and I still take her for granted. She states I need to move on and return the ring.

So a week later I drive 450 miles to LA to return the ring. She finds out I'm retuning it and tries to make up a story that the place is closed and that I should just hold on to it for the next girl. I ask her if she wants to get back together and she says no, she's just sad everything is really ending. Next Christmas eve rolls around and she agrees to meet up with me. I have a great time with her and her daughter and she says she had a great time as well. A few days later she goes on a date which her friend set her up on and has a great time. New Years rolls around and this new guy takes her on a quick getaway. Now that she's met this new guy she's been very distant from me. She no longer is checking up to see how I'm doing, or leaving me comments on face book. She wants to give this new guy a try and has cut me out completely. I'm starting the no contact myself now and am wondering is there still a chance she has feelings for me and if we have a chance at getting back together?

This sounds to me like lack of communication and irrational impulses. Too much drama when not needed.

How old are you two?

This is just such a mess, I think you'd be better off going NC and leaving all of it alone. I don't know if she really felt taken for granted, or if she still has feelings for you, but that running back and forth and dating around while keeping you as Plan B is not fair to you.

So a week later I drive 450 miles to LA to return the ring.

This really stuck out to me.

This, what you did was a little over dramatic if you ask me.

I mean, c'mon, you couldn't just sit on it for a while to see what happens next?

I agree there has been a lack of communication. I'm 33 and she's 29. I know I was a bit hasty to return the ring it was probably closer to two weeks but still a short amount of time. I decided to take the ring back so quickly because she told me I need to do it, she was dating again, and I was extremely hurt. The ring constantly reminded me of her. My family thinks I'm allowing her to have her cake and eat it to by always being there when it's convenient for her. I figure the only way I have a chance with her or to earn my dignity back is to stop all contact.

" I decided to take the ring back so quickly because I was extremly hurt."

Irrational impulses, like I was saying... Which is normal. You are human, and this can be a natural reaction. NOt a very smart one, but it happens.

"My family thinks"

You're 33 now. You are a grown man. It's time to decide these things for yourself and want YOU want, and forget about what others think.

Their heart is in the right place but ultimately, it's what you want.


"I figure the only way I have a chance with her or to earn my dignity back is to stop all contact."


Worry more about your dignity then her. It doesn't sound like she's to concerned, but then again, she may be still so in love with you that this is just eating her alive and that could be why she told you to return the ring.


People sometimes say things that they don't mean.

We have all done this at one point or another in our lives.

Sometimes love can't solve all as in relationship not only love needed but mutual understanding and open communications along with trust, what this relationship lack is mutual understanding and some impulsive assumption. She doesn't understand what you exactly feel , she tried to grasp what you feel but she wasn't able to do it properly because she made assumptions, assumptions like 'you took her for granted' and all things you mentioned above, and her assumptions owned her big time. I don't understand why she said that you took her for granted, because from your description above I can see that you really committed to her and serious being with her which showed in your actions by asking her to support the relationship financially by getting some work. You already displayed enough that you wanted the relationship and care about the relationship future, the problem is her assumption though. As for now convincing her or taling to her will only push her away,basically she won't be able to continue with you as long as she still has this assumptions that you took her for granted etc in her head, even if you were to get back together as long as she doesn't change her way of thinking the same thing will happen again. I suggest for the time being you wait patiently

She is enjoying her single life, and other options, and opportunities (of which you are but one of many), and I advise you to do the same thing.

Maybe take some time away from her while you get yourself in order so you to can make the transition from her being a priority, and move her to an option, as she has done you.

Will she be back? Who knows, but what you do know is, you don't hold your breath waiting to find out, or wallow in self pity over your loss. Do your thing and rebuild a life you are happy with without her in it, and then see what the future brings, or better yet, what you can do for yourself.

Threads merged



My ex and I have been broken up for about two months now after dating nearly 3 years. I've done the NC for about a month. The last time I contacted her was at the beginning of the month where I texted her happy birthday.

I've been trying to be busy with my life, working more, exercising, making new friends / dating with no expectations. After a month of doing this I was getting back into more of a normal life. Although, I still have extremely deep feelings for her. Mainly because I loved her enough to be engaged to her and I accepted her daughter as my own child.

Well a couple days ago she's been trying to get a hold of me to plan a "coffee" meeting. She says her social life has been crappy since all of the friends she made were my friends originally. Pretty much she just been taking care of her daughter all the time. Well she asked her mom to watch her daughter for one night and asked if I wanted to have dinner and just catch up. I said I had plans. She started to pry into my plans and I told her I had a date. So we just chit chatted and laughed on the phone for a good 30 minutes. We didn't really talk about each other's dating life, but just normal friend / joking conversation. However, she did mention that next week is our 3 year anniversary and also the day we were suppose share with our friends and family that we were engaged. She said she doesn't know how it's going to feel when that day arrives. All in all she said it was a little strange talking to me in this manner and that it sounded like I'm doing really good. Then she said she had to go because her mother had just come to her apartment. She didn't want her mom to know we were talking because her mom still loves me like a son and is still extremely sad over the break up.

I've been ignoring the mom's phone calls and text messages for two months now as well, but yesterday she finally figured out to call me from a blocked line. I picked up and she said my ex is talking with the guy that she rebounded with me the first time we broke up. The mom confronted him and said she will never accept him and that he needs to stay away from his daughter and their family. I feel the mom blames the rebound guy for poisoning my relationship with her daughter, which I do agree with. She warns me that the rebound guy wants to confront me and call me to tell me "something". I tell her thank you, but I'm not going to interfere with her daughter's love life or get involved in that mess. I quickly then tried to change the subject to how her health / business is doing.

Today I called her because we were suppose to make follow up plans, but I found out since I couldn't make the dinner she decided to call up the rebound guy and have dinner with him instead of me. It almost seems like since I've been going on dates and she hasn't she's running back to this guy to be in a relationship before me. This way she won't be hurt by me finding somebody first. Now she's back to being "cautious" when she talks with me. He's the forbidden fruit and I'm the safety net. She wants what she can't have, even though she says they are incompatible as well as her family never accepting this guy.

In the end I do want to be in a relationship with her and her daughter. We share a lot in common and have a great bond when we're together. The reason we broke up was mainly because this new rebound guy was chasing her and trying to create communicating with him, but I thought I could trust her to handle it. She stated my attitude about him when we were together was a non caring indifferent attitude. She translated that to me taking the relationship for granted, not caring, and being indifferent about us.

I know she still cares about me and probably still loves me. I'm going to go back on the NC and see if I can get my emotions back to being stable again. I know once I'm stable and have my emotions under control again I will still love her and want to try to date her again, but I feel I have to get to a point where if she says "no, i don't think it's a good idea if we date." That I'll be OK moving on with my life without her.

Does this sound reasonable?

Not to me it doesn't. Sounds like you think you can use NC to get her back, and that's not going to happen. NC is for healing and putting your head on straight, and frankly you have broken it enough to not heal effectively enough for that to happen. So you start over with the idea of regrouping and rebuilding and leaving her alone, or face the consequences of being stuck until you do.

You couldn't communicate honestly before without games and immature drama, you couldn't communicate honestly when you broke the NC without the games and drama, so what makes you think that's going to change with more of the same? It won't, so I highly advise doing the NC correctly, and for the right reasons or what's the point?

You may as well call her right now, and bare your soul, and hope this time she is convinced, so you can at least know if all your games are winnable, or not.

It has been my experience that a couple who cannot honestly communicate enough to resolve their problems never stays together long any way. So maybe you mend fences for a time, but the results are more drama and games and nothing gets resolved.

So after two months apart, still no honest communications?? Keep playing games and see how that works for you!

I wish it was as easy as you explain. I appreciate your advice, but wondering do you have the perspective that in a break up one should never get back together? Do you feel it's possible for a successful reconciliation if both sides always have NC?

I meant to say Impossible reconciliation. I get the message that the #1 goal I need is self heal... correct? Is is impossible also to "self heal" yet still have feelings for an ex?