This a long complicated story.. I met my now fiancé just over 3 years ago.. I had just separated from my wife of 10 years and when we met, we immediately hit it off and we're falling in love quickly. We have so much in common, and seemed to be compatible in every way.

One problem.. After being in such a long marriage, I was not sure if I was capable of getting into something so serious again so quickly.. I felt like I needed to just enjoy being single for a while. I brushed it off and stayed with her except for the minor "break" a couple of times. I figured just cause timing was not right shouldn't mean I should throw something this great away.

Anyway, I ended up doing a terrible thing by cheating on her a few times over the summer, thinking things would eventually fall apart with us anyway.. And by next spring I was feeling so badly, I broke it off with her and went away for 3 weeks.. She was devastated.. She was so in love with me and I crushed her..

After 3 weeks I had done some growing up and thinking and went to her place to talk. There in the driveway was an unknown van at about 2am.. I was having panic attacks.. I decided to go in cause I still had a key and see what's up. She said a friend was over but it wasn't what I thought.. She was naked in bed with him.. I was furious, and she talked me down, as the other "guy" left in a hurry. She said nothing happened.. Still find that hard to believe to this day.

After that, we fell deeply in love again and this time things are fantastic. One day my emotions come over me and I tell her about cheating on her the year before.. I couldn't hold it inside if planned to spend the rest of my life with her.. At this point we we're engaged. She is really mad and freaking, and then tells me she did sleep with that guy from before, just not that night, a different one. She said she was so distraught at me leaving, she didn't know what else to do but try to get me out of her by sleeping with someone else..

Since then, we have both forgiven each other and have moved on. The wedding date is set and she is really excited about being my wife and is and always was extremely committed to me. We WERE broken up when it happened.. But even though I have done some terrible things to her, and she seems to have taken everything well and really looks forward to marrying me, I still cannot get the images out of my head from that night.. Or picturing them together. It is tearing me apart..

I've tried pills, counseling, and I'm now considering hypnotherapy.. If I can't get over this, I am going to lose the best woman I have ever known.. Wedding is getting closer too. She says she NEVER would have slept with him if I hadn't broken up with her.. She thought it was really over and was devastated. Now I'm going to ruin everything if I can't get my head straight.. I'm lucky she's still with me after everything that's happened :( help!

What's in the past is in the past don't let the past affect whatever you both will have in future, right now she is with you don't do same mistake again and take care of her well as for what has happened with her in past it can't be helped you can't change the past for now all you can do is move on and live with her without looking back at the past

Maybe you should ask her how she deals with the images of your cheating on her. The thing about what goes on in our minds is that you are struggling with yourself, and cannot let what goes on inside you to affect your reality.

Maybe you could stand some help of a counselor to guide you through the process of dealing with your own feelings in a positive way, since this about your own impulsive behavior.

No shame in asking for help, the shame is knowing you need it, and not get it. Reach out to a professional.

Well at least you understand that she didn't cheat on you. Perhaps this is your own guilt for ending a good and healthy relationship hastily when clearly emotionally you wasn't ready to do so.
Either way the past isn't what is important, you got the girl, your having the wedding. Time to move on and be happy... :)

First of all don't you think its time that you get help for your paniac attacks. Its time to find out why you having them, because you were having them before you found out about her being with someone else!! I think you are having more of a problem with the idea of commitment then her being with someone else--I think your using that as an excuse, so you can justify what's happening to you!!

I do agree that if you don't get some help with your problem, you will probably screw this up and lose her.

You know what is pathetic is that you aren't having any problems accepting that you ARE THE ACTUAL CHEATER, not her--you CHEATED on her while still fully in this relationship. She was with someone when you BROKE OFF the relationship because you just couldn't handle being in the relationship!! You are sure putting in a lot of effort to sabotage this relationship!!

I think going back and getting counseling about your fear of comitment or failure of another marriage. Take your fiancé, she needs to beware of what your going through. If your really love her, then you are going to have to trust her to be able to work with you about this issue. Don't let your fear conquer you!! Good luck

Pills, and counselling, and now you're thinking hypnotherapy? May I ask why, and if there is more to this story than you are saying.

For instance, have you considered that you immediately hooked up with your (now) fiancé, without first recovering from a marriage? That all the emotions at the time were just transposed to the new girlfriend, and you have been carrying this with you since you split with your wife?

Being physically and legally divorced, does not automatically heal the emotional and psychological damage that was done. Usually there is a great deal to settle in that regard, after the dust has settles. And certainly before a new, serious relationship starts. Ten years in a marriage, then immediately into another relationship, is adding baggage on top of baggage, as you are discovering through the three years you've been with your fiancé.

I think that perhaps there is more to this story as I've said. Without knowing the nature of your marriage, and what broke you up, and what mental health problems you may have had (if any) that contributed to the end of your marriage, it is hard to judge whether you are making the right choice in marrying again.

My advice to you is to postpone the wedding. The doubts you have, the repeated ruminating of past events, are only symptomatic. There are reasons your conscience is telling you- you are not ready.

I'm not understanding either why you are considering hypnotherapy, unless this type of therapy also refers to events unresolved, maybe even before you married the first time.

More detail would be helpful, and in the meanwhile, please consider allowing yourself the luxury of time and space until you are sure without any reservations, that marrying is the right thing for you to do.

Thanks everybody, you all have some valid points and I appreciate your honesty. As requested by Jake2008, here is a little more back story. I have seen therapists etc. In he past for depression and what they have determined to be mild OCD and possibly manic depression. For about 2 years I was on various anti depressant and anxiety pills during my previous marriage but always managed to keep things for the most part under control. The reason for my divorce really had not much to do with that but the fact that we really grew apart, I suspect partially from getting married so young. We tried to make it work for the kids multiple times but we eventually agreed to throw in the towel.

As far as my panic attacks, I have had them off and on since a very young age, probably stemming from issues with my mom and whatever chemical imbalance I may have. From past counseling, in my mind I know what some of you are saying is what I have to do, but doing it is a whole other ballgame. I am going to seek professional help again, and lately I have been thinking that I should go back on anti depressant pills, as I was told I may have to be on something my whole life. Being a bit of a health nut, I don't like the sound of that, as I am worried about the damage it does to kidneys etc. but I have to think about the lesser of two evils I guess.

Yes, I have thought of how my fiancé feels about me cheating and the images she must have in her head. I think about stuff compulsively which is my problem. And what's worse is although I know what I have done is terrible, I am full of self pity thinking of myself and actual real images of the night I talked about, and imagine what might have happened, like I am torturing myself for what I did to her. I also have a seemingly twisted view on sex. I place so much emphasis on it, I have a very high sex drive, yet I can't deal with HER having been with other people. Twisted. My ex wife had only been with 1 other person, so it was pretty easy to accept, but meeting someone at 32, you kind of have to expect that number to be a little higher. She has reassured me I make her happier in every aspect, and couldn't be happier to spend the rest of her life with me. We have a house and a great life together, I don't want to lose that. I know what you're saying, she is with me now, enjoy and look to the future, but first I need to figure out how to stop obsessing about the past, and the fact she has enjoyed other men's company. I need to figure out how to be mature about this. Honestly, this does not branch from insecurity. I am very confident in that department, and have been told by her numerous times how much I satisfy her. What is my problem?

Also, to answer another question, hypnotherapy is something I'm considering to help me deal with the source of my problems (whatever that may be) and also to accept what happened in my current relationship and move on.

You had sex with other women when you two were together, and she was faithful to you during that time. Right? SHE was the faithful one, not YOU.

And then, you broke it off with her, and she sought the company of another after three weeks of heartbreak.

You had no right to even still own a key to her place, much less entering her residence, at night.

You drove her to the arms of another man, and now you want us to help you get the image out of your head?

From were I sit, this sounds as selfish as they come.

You either accept responsibility for your own actions, or break it off with her.

Be a man.

You should be on here asking how YOU can make it up to HER.

Hard to step over a mole hill that your mind has made into a mountain.

Deal with your double standard of behavior, and I think you see that you expect more from her, than you do for yourself. I thin if you saw this as part of the consequences of your own behavior, you will be closer to understanding her feelings, and can better examine your own.

Its so easy to blame your actions on other things, other than yourself, but at some point you have to own what you have done, and deal with it. That's like an abuser who breaks the partners jaw out of anger, and blames the partner for making him mad. That's called denial, by shifting the blame to others. You are in deep denial, and will always replay those images of her with another because, you cannot admit your behavior started this whole mess.

I think once you know that you cheated because you are a selfish, insecure, bast@rd, you will identify the changes you need to make and can grow as an individual, who loves themselves and their life. That's what you need the help with, how to grow and know how to deal with yourself, and the world you are in.

The real one that is, not your fantasy one that allows you to be flawed, but not others.

I agree with your comment, I don't deny it. Yes, this is very selfish of me. Yes, I was the one in the wrong. I made a mistake I have never made before in 10 years of being married, and to the woman who is my perfect other half. Ironic and terrible. I will never make a mistake like that again, I was very messed up although that is no excuse. Also, I was wrong going into the place we lived in TOGETHER, even though I had not technically moved my stuff. This I am all too aware of. Stupid things you do when you love someone. I was going back to our place to talk to her about getting back together because I had finally realized how much she meant to me and what I was doing by sabotaging the relationship. I was looking for answers to help our relationship, which in turn helps her as well as me. I am thinking of her. She knows everything, and after everything she still cannot live without me and I feel the same for her as much as things hurt. I don't need to be told how wrong I was, I already know and torture myself on a daily basis. I'm looking for ideas on how to move on. Be a man, grow up, concentrate on the present are all notions I am aware of. Perhaps the only way to help is by seeking professional help, I am on it, but thank you.

Btw, it took a near fatal accident for me to finally realize how much she means to me. I was incredibly stupid. It's been 1 1/2 yrs since I told her and quite obviously she is a whole lot better at moving on. Wish I was more like her in that regard.

To add to this, I didn't just walk into her room like a crazy man. I knocked on the bedroom door, asked her if she could talk cause I really needed to see her. She was asleep, but answered the bedroom door. He was in there, and she told him to leave while she kept me away in another room and made me promise not to do anything crazy.. She claimed nothing happened that night because we had been talking the last couple days and she couldn't stop thinking about me, but that she couldn't be alone and enjoyed his friendship. Later it came out she had been drinking and had slept with him a week and a half before but really regretted it the next morning. I guess it's a simple case of I am getting what I deserve, and that none of what happened with them is my business. Problem is, I am still having trouble getting past all of our history and she really needs me to do so. We have far more good memories than bad, and we really are meant for each other.. That is why I refuse to give up, and why I need to make her happy.

Make yourself happy and forgive yourself, man! She has. She has forgiven you.

You don't have to suffer, you can be enjoying, and you may never get over the images, but you can move beyond the pain they make you feel.