Normally, I gave my step daughter some math problem to do before she can play her games on iPod during this winter break. Last Monday is her last day of staying home with me. I gave her some math problems to do and she didn't listen to me anymore. She doesn't want to do any problems. She came back to her room, turned on the music so loud and run back and forth to make noise while I am trying to concentrate in studying. So I had to call her dad up so he could talk to her because I don't want to have any argument between me and her at home. Since my hubby 's busy at work and didn't want to talk with her on the phone so long, he let her free , do whatever she want at home. After she hung up the phone, she laughed at me and making fun of me that I had to go through "big man" my hubby every time but she always wins. I was so upset about that but I don't want to argue with her. So I texted him to let him know that she was saying it and laughted at me.
When he came home that night, he talked to my step daughter that she need to listen to me and do math problem. He said I care for her. That's why I gave her some math problem to practice. That kid answered him unexpectedly, she doesn't think I care for her. She said I give her math problems to do just because her dad ask me to do so. If her dad didn't ask me, I wouldn't care. My husband said I am her mom and I am the one who take care of her most of the time for everything. She should respect me. She said I care for her because I am his wife and she's a daughter. That's ridiculous. My husband said I gave her math problem to practice for her own good, not for me. She was like... she did it , practice it for my own good.. my husband was mad and he said what did you just said. She said "nothing". My husband explained everything to her and said if she did practicing, that's just for her own good, not for everyone. She said she doesn't like me at all. He asked her to see if she has any problem with me at home. She said " i dont like her because of her cooking. i dont like to talk to her because everytime we talk, we have an argument. my husband said if she knew why? she said no. he said because she dont have a respect for me. that's a problem. i was lying on bed and listening the whole conversation. then we went to get another car from his workplace. so i texted him to tell him that his daughter has two faces. last week, she was telling his sister that she getting along with everybody, with me except her dad. she doesnt like to talk to him. now she turned around and said she doesnt like me when she talked to him earlier. it's very oddd. of course , step daughter never admit to like step mom. i told him that she has a problem and bad attidues toward me and i knew he doesnt want to see any arguement between us. that's why i called him right away for every time she doesnt listen. he didnt get my texted message until the next day.
when i came home from my parent house, he pointed to my face and said if he was mistaken to marry me. i was like what did i do wrong. he was like "you know.. this family is unhappy.. she had bad attidue because of me. I need to leave, pack my stuff and get out of the house. He don't need me" I was like.. the problem is just from your daughter. She has bad attidue with every body , not only me, even she had bad attidue to him too and he knew it. He was like.. he could see and hear and he said I don't try hard enough to be a step mom. That's why the problem is always happened. I told him that.. every time we talked, she always leads to an argument but I never argue with her. All I do is raised my voice ask her to shut , stop talking and said that's enough, then walked away to keep myself silent. Why does he have to blame on me for everything. He was like I don't talk to her in a gentle voice. That's why problem happened, just because I caused it. Then he went to sleep down stair for a while before he came back to the room. So I texted him again that it's not mistaken to marry me. The problem is just come from his daughter's bad attidues. He had been with many ex girlfriend in the past and thing didn't work out just because of his daughter bad attidues. If he left me and be with someone else, things is still the same. The problem still will be happened unless she grows older and understand or she's not living with him anymore. (my step daughter is 14)i said.. maybe it's part of my problem that I don't know how to be a mom but please don't blame on me for everything. He just making it worse when he cursed at me, wanting me to pack my stuff and get out of the house, just make her happier and having bad attitudes toward me more.

I really don't know how to deal with this 14 year old grl. She is always make my husband get into the fight with me . Every time she said she don't like me.. that night or the next day he will pick a quarrel with me. She was lying in the past when we got complains from her school saying that she didn't do essay. She lied to her dad that she asked me to do essay on my laptop and I didn't let her to do and also she said she did ask for tuturial teacher help her to do with her essay. Her dad trust her for everything for what she said. I heard that and confront her right away. I said she didn't ask me , every time she asked me to search information for her , I did and I did ask the tuturial teacher earlier, they said she didn't ask them to help on essay. So she was speechless and her dad said nothing or discipline her anything.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It seems to me that your 14 year old is running the household and setting the tone for everyone. Families coming together are hard, because everyone has a different way of doing things, and resentment and blame build fast inside both. I think the daughter needs counseling to deal with her feelings. You and your husband can also go to counseling.

I am really concerned that your husband asked you to pack your things, because he is implying that you are there as a guest and that gives you no authority over your daughter. In fact, when you call him and he intervenes, that is also undermining your authority.

If your marriage and this family is going to work he has to support your decisions, and the daughter has to look at you as an authority figure, not as someone who so easily could be dismissed and asked to leave like hired help.

Do you feel like you are an equal with your husband and that your decisions are valued? He shouldn't be the only one whose ideas govern your daughter. It's your house, too, and she is after all 14. I'm sure she resents you, but she needs a good example for a strong woman if she is going to grow up right.

Where is her mother? I get the impression the biological mom is gone or passed away which leads me to believe there are some issues your step daughter may be dealing with that you nor your husband can help her with. I get the impression she is angry biological mom is gone and may be blaming you. If that is the case you may want to seek some professional help for her deal with this and get past her anger so you and she can build a good relationship.

Come on are you kidding me, you have your husband talk to your step daughter about the relationship she has with YOU, while you lay on the bed easedropping on the entire conversation. But, hey want to know what really impressed me---it was that you were sooo grown up that instead of getting your backside off the bed and actually joining the conversation as a FAMILY , you would send your husband TEXTS about things being said between him and your step daughter. If you make a choice not to sit down with them as a family unit and have a heart to heart conversation, then you have NO RIGHT to easedrop and make corrections by TEXTING!! I don't been to harsh, but no can plot or accuse against you if your at the table with them!

Most children don't like to have to do homework, especially extra math problems just to get to play their video games, its just natural. They will try and push buttons. Its how we handle those times that will leave an impression with them.

Just because she is a step-daughter doesn't mean that you don't have the right to step up and be in a parent role while--especially if she is living with you. You need to sit down with your husband talk over what you expect for your daughter --like chores, homework,outside activities,having friends over,allowance. etc... You both need to decide and agree together, if you have never had children of your own, let your husband use his experience to guide you. Your daughter needs to know that she has a family unit, with both parents in agreement--not divided

Remember all children are going to push the limits, but haven't we all done this in our life times. You are also going to have to keep in mind that you are dealing with a teenage girl, who is probably having some hard times dealing with emotional ups and downs.

Your husband,daughter and you are now a FAMILY. You might want to see a familiy counselor to get points on how to bring you all 3 together. This will also force your husband to see what is happening with your daughter manipulating him. And him mis-treating you.

'Step' or not, it is presumed that you are taking on the role of parent, along with your husband, of this manipulative 14 year old.

The child has a history of breaking up relationships for her father. It should be no surprise that she has her sites set on you. Why? Because she cannot wrap you around her little finger.

If she goes to this much trouble over a little bit of math homework, which is perfectly reasonable, what can you expect when she ditches curfew, or comes home drunk, or skips school. In other words, if you're having this much trouble now, you can expect that things will not get any better. Nothing is being resolved.

You may very well be dealing with a father who is used to appeasing his daughter, in order to keep the peace in the household. Giving in is much easier than standing firm and insisting on certain behaviours. I don't doubt that his daughter has learned from a very early age to get whatever she wants by lying, plotting, and manipulation. You are likely one in a long line of women who have been in his life that she has decided to work her magic on. Why? Because you are a threat to her power over her father.

The only way I can see to deal with this is parenting classes. Or, the entire family has to get into family counselling before your husband comes good with his threat to eliminate you, as the problem. You aren't the problem. Parenting is the problem, and effective parenting is not happening here. You cannot possibly hope to make a difference when you have this child pit one adult against the other.

Step parent or not, most kids will try to play mom off against dad, and it works a lot of time. Divide and conquer is a common tactic.

Try to enlist the help of an outside source to establish common parenting goals, a united front, reasonable expectations and consequences for this 14 year old, and effective ways to resolve differences.

Her mom was living in another state and remarried with another man. My hubby and her had been divorce since almost 11 years. Her mom didn't come to visit her until last year in march. I had meet her mom and have a conversation in front of my step daughter too. Her mom explained to her that she already remarried and just has another son. She explained to my step daughter that I am a good mom after all year been taking care of her and now she has to accept me as a mom and be nice to me, talk to me in a respect way in order for her to come visit my step daughter more. My step daughter made an apology to me in front of her mom and promised that she will respect me and listen to me. It was just a promise and she didn't follow her promise.my hubby has been with a lot of women before me and things didn't work out because of my step daughter rudeness and bad attitude. My husband said it just because we don't know how to talk , take care his daughter. That's why problem always happened. So he left them after all. He treated them like the way he treated me. He said his daughter is number one in his life. Yes I agree with that but it doesn't mean for her to be rude, disobey any women who lived with them. Am I right?

(Asnwerme tender)you think I don't want to talk to them as a family conversation? Every time I have a conversation to tell him what going on in front of his daughter. He doesn't want to listen. He said I have to shut because he's teaching his daughter right now. The more I talk, the more I tell him, just make my step daughter to hate me more. That's what he said. He said I'm just a step mom, my job is taking care of her, help her with homework. He will do the discipline on her if she don't listen. If I have any problem with his daughter, I just need to tell him privately, not in front of her. Every time I wanted to tell him heart to heart on bed. He doesn't want to listen any bad about his daughter. That's why I have to text him most of the time. Every time we got a complaints from school and after school program, I told him. He did talk to her and said he want her to be good in school. He doesn't want to hear any complains or bad grade from school. If it continues happen, he will take away her games or he will discipline her. Every time he heard a complains on his daughter from school, he always turn around and pick quarrel with me that night. I been through a lot of stress because of him and his daughter. I love my hubby a lot that's why I always tried my best to make everyone happy in order to keep this marriage, but it seem no one care for me. Asian people never like to go through counseling. So I really don't know how to manage it.
Most of the children don't like to do homework and just extra math problem in order to play games. I do understand. It just because she's very bad with math and I tried to help her practicing problem , go over the math chapter so she can have a good grade in school. If we don't push her to study, my step daughter never like to study on her own. She told my hubby that she hate school because the subjects are bored. My hubby asked her if she said the subjects are bored, does she know how to do it? She said no. that's why I always tried to help her with math and essay.my husband told her that everyday she need to practice some math problem and the rest of the day she can play games. He doesn't want her to play games all day.
My hubby like to spend and he spoiled her a lot and buy a lot of expensive stuff for her so I had to talk to him about our limit budget. He said he doesn't care about money. He can live in the past, he can live today and in the future. He said I live with him for several years already I should understand it. So I am speechless. All I do is trying to save money for our emergency.
I just don't know what wrong with this girl. She just don't listen to me. Seat belt is a simple thing to do when everyone sit in the car. Every time, her dad or someone take her to go anywhere, she does buckle herself up immediately without everyone remind her but every time I take her to go anywhere with me, she does the opposite way. She didn't wear seat belt even sitting in front. I have to tell her every time.so I told her dad that he has to talk to her regarding to seat belt because I don't want to get any dumb ticket. He didn't talk to her about that. I have to remind him in front of her. All he does is saying she need to seat belt. She said she doesn't like to put on seat belt and he didn't say anything. She doesn't listen. Every time I have to remind her. So I texted my husband to tell her again. Since now, he hasn't not talk to her regarding seat belt yet.
I really don't know what to do to solve this family problem. I told him that no one want to be sad , no one want to have unhappy family. I didn't want her to make me sad. I didn't want to her to be rude toward me. It's just his daughter problem. He need to do something.

Teargal,

I went back and re-read all your other post pertaining to your step-daughter and husband. Sorry wasn't aware that we have spoken before.

Are you still taking your classes? If this is getting worse, have you considered getting ahold of a woman's shelter. If nothing else they can give you advise on what is happening to you.

You seem to be so unhappy, would you please contact someone and see if you could stay with them until you can get a place of your own.

Yes answere tender. We have been talked before. I'm on externship right now. Unfortunately, I'm one unlucky person of 12 students in the group because the school has not find a site to place me for my externship. I have been staying home for 3 weeks already and been calling them to see if they have found any site for me. All I got is not yet, only received negative answers. I think this year is a worse year in my life.:(--- even though I think positive and being positive everyday. If this relationship is still getting worse in few months, I will pack my stuff and move back to live with my parents. I stayed here because I love my hubby a lot even though I don't received much love in return. Thanks for all your advices.