A bartender that I have known for 2 years just from seeing her at work texts me all day everyday. She has had a boyfriend for 6 years. I also have a girlfriend that she is aware of but I want this bartender bad.The conversations were platonic until recently. Somehow we started texting about sex which was never brought up before. It got really bad. She wanted to get a hotel room to gave sex with me and she went on about all the things she wanted to do with me. This went on for two days. We were supposed to meet up but never did. Out of no where everything cooled down and no more sex talk and not as much texting in general as before. Can someone please tell me what is going through this girls mind? She said she loves her boyfriend and has never done anything like this before. I've never been anything but nice to her. She is the one who brought up sex. Someone please tell me what to do cause I really like her

The real question you have to ask yourself is what is going on in your mind that you consider this not only an option, but a realistic option you WANT to pursue. Some girls will open their legs easily, and some guys will take anything they can get. Simple as that. I guess it's your choice, but remember there are two other people in this equation that will be devastated (YOUR girlfriend and HER boyfriend).

No, you don't want this bartender bad. She is poison and will really mess up your life. Go No Contact with the bartender -- no texts, no calls, no in-person meetings, no visiting the bar she works at. You have a girlfriend. She has a boyfriend for SIX YEARS. (Does he know about her "activities" with you -- and who else?? She could very well be doing the same thing with three other guys.)

No he doesn't know. I know for a fact that he has cheated on her before, but I can't tell her that cause it's guy code so I can't rat. The girl is supernice and really pretty. I never thought in a million years she would say some of the things she was saying in these texts. That all cooled off and no we're back to general chat. I've only hung out with her twice in two years outside of work. I've only had a girlfriend for a year and I didn't see a future. Can u just tell me from what I'm telling you if this girl really likes me and how realistic is it? I need to make a decision with this girl.

Where do you see "supernice" when she sexts you and cheats on her boyfriend of six years?

I am telling you NO!!

Yeah but she didn't cheat.

Guy code, ( LOL) are you 12 or 14, I thought you were grown. Perhaps you can have her pinky swear not to tell.

If you are old enough to be having sex, act old enough and show responisbility in what you do, And all the other people who are effected by your actions.

Somehow we started texting about sex which was never brought up before. It got really bad. She wanted to get a hotel room to gave sex with me and she went on about all the things she wanted to do with me. This went on for two days. We were supposed to meet up but never did ... She is the one who brought up sex.
Yes, she has cheated on her boyfriend.

Why would I run to her like a little girl and rat on her boyfriend. That's something I won't do. All I want is for one of u people to tell me why she is doing this. Is she just getting a high from the flirting

Can u just tell me why she is doing this? That's all I want

There are many possibilities why she's doing this.

She could be trying to get back at her boyfriend, so she's using you.

She could be simply interested in sex on the side because she's bored with her boyfriend, so she's using you.

She could be a nymphomaniac, and has a very long history of similar encounters, so she's using you.

She could have had a bet with a girlfriend that she could get you in the sack and win a free drink, and she's using you.

In other words, nobody knows why a woman would suddenly show a sexual interest in a person to the point of wanting to get a hotel room, and then suddenly cool her jets and pretend as though nothing happened.

What she isn't interested in, is a relationship. Not only because she has a boyfriend, but because she has not indicated otherwise. And, as the others have said, each of you are in relationships anyway, and you've dodged a bullet this time. Next time, if there is a next time she wants to meet you for sex in a motel, you could end up with an STD, a broken relationship, and nothing to show for not being smart enough to know you are being used.

No need to read between the lines of text she sends you, you only need to see between the sheets.

SoSAo when I see her this weekend and I will cause happy hour is part if my Friday routine, how do I act? Act like nothing happened or what?

I see it as she is simply bored of her boyfriend but is scared to break up with him. I have no idea what to do. I just want to ask her why she did it but I don't want awkwardness

I would totally ignore her. Not only because of rude and demeaning texts, but because she is a person of obvious low moral character.

Hey look, first off think of your girllfriend, is she not supernice too? You are with her after all, you say you don't see a future, its cruel of you to keep going out with her if you don't even see a future and also if you truly loved her you would not be texting another girl! So end your relationship now if your going to keep contact this other girl. Then when you've kept your girlfriend from being hurt any further you can ask this girl about that night, just ask straight out, then you'll have your answer, no one on this can tell you what's going on in her head except her, but please don't hurt your girlfriend any further let her find a guy who doesn't emotionally cheat on her. Sorry if I sound harsh but I'm really feeling bad for your current girlfriend she doesn't deserve it

The sex texting stopped shortly after I asked her if she was doing this to get back at her boyfriend. She replied with "no not tryin to get back at him I don't know what's going on I've never done anything like this before and honestly I love him I just don't know what's going on". So a few more texts after that and that was the end of the sex texting. Do u think I scared her away by asking about her boyfriend? I'm really just trying to figure all this out cause I'm very confused.

I'm really just tryin to figure all this out cause I'm very confused.
There is nothing to figure out. She has a bf; you have a girlfriend.

We can't read her mind. If you want to know the truth, then you'll have to ask her directly.

She's been emotionally cheating on her boyfriend with you. That's already a huge red flag. She's been with her boyfriend for 6 years, if she was sick of him, she would have broken up with him by now. There's a reason she's still with him and we may never know that reason, only she will know.

Instead of worrying about all these what ifs. I suggest you figure out your own problems first.

First of all, if you don't want to continue your relationship with your girlfriend, then break up with her. Quit leaving her hanging. If you want to stay with your girlfriend, then stop thinking about other women.

If you want to be with this new girl, you have to break up with your current girlfriend first. Furthermore, even if you do break up and then confess your feelings to this new girl, there's no guarantee that she will want to be with you.

Secondly, seems like your current girlfriend is the back up plan. If things pan out with the bartender, you'll be with her. If it doesn't, then your girlfriend is the safety net. Did you tell your girlfriend about your feelings about this bartender?

Are you prepared for all these consequences?

You said she didn't cheat on her boyfriend, but I want to make it clear that both of you were cheating... you were having an emotional affair.

Emotional cheating can actually be worse than the physical kind.

Any way you look at it, cheating is a good way to ruin a relationship, so if you're interested in keeping the girlfriend you have, you need to cut off all contact with her!

Well I'm either going to act like nothing happened when I see her or ignore her. You can tell she feels guilty she has comepletely stopped texting, well almost. How can she say all that stuff knowing she will see me again. Funny thing is I went out of my way for two years to not hit on her because she had a boyfriend. All I ever did was be nice to her and compliment her hear and there. Then out of no where she gets super aggressive and it feels like she may of ruined our friendship. As great as it was I wish she never sent those texts. I looked at her as a wifey type and now I don't but we have a strong connection and you guys are saying now I have to break it? By the way thanks everyone for helping me

I'm just having a problem believing she's poison like the first person quoted. Just because she did this makes her poison? No I don't think so

The way I see it you have a few options.

A) Break up with your girlfriend (who you said you're not that into) and tell her to break up with her boyfriend, and see if you two have a future.

B) Break the "guy code" and tell her boyfriend that she's not that into him, but by her own admission she does love him. Has she ever told you she loves you? Something to think about.

C) Call her, tell her you're really into having sex with her, but, because you're both in a relationship it wouldn't be right not to alert your SO's, so set up a foursome. That way you get what you want, sex with her. Her boyfriend and your girlfriend are just a bonus.

D) You realize that women with boyfriends are off limits. Did she make first contact? She may have. Doesn't matter. You're in a relationship too, and if you're not committed to that relationship than do the poor girl a favor and end it so she can find someone that deserves to be with her. You accepted the texts. I'm sure you texted back. You could have ended it long ago, but you didn't.

You're both cheating. It sounds like she finally came to her senses and realized that a one night booty call isn't worth splitting up a 6 year relationship.

I'm just havin a problem believing she's poison like the first person quoted. Just because she did this makes her poison? No I don't think so
She's poisoning her relationship with her long-time boyfriend, and she has poisoned you toward your girlfriend.

First, dump your girlfriend, and ask the bartender to dump her boyfriend. (That's only fair.) Then, meet up and have fun. I'm guessing you won't last long in her life.

She's poisoning her relationship with her long-time boyfriend, and she has poisoned you toward your girlfriend.

First, dump your girlfriend, and ask the bartender to dump her boyfriend. (That's only fair.) Then, meet up and have fun. I'm guessing you won't last long in her life.

Have to spread the rep.

I'm guessing that if the OP asked her to end her relationship, she'd refuse. He wouldn't even get a chance to last in her life.

She was looking for a thrill, a bit of excitement, but she seems to have realized what's at risk, her 6 year relationship.

I've only met her boyfriend twice at the bar she works at. I refuse to rat out either one if them. But I know the guy cheats on her through a friend and it pisses me off cause she's a great girl. The girl I'm with knows about her and suspects something but I denied it. She physically cheated about 6 months ago but I let it go cause we weren't that serious. Amy(the bartender) and Dana( my girlfriend) liked each other before but I doubt they'll talk now. I just want to be sure after 2 years I'm ready to throw this away cause I put in a lot if work with this girl and I nned to know if I should just end it now and stay with Dana

And one more thing... Amy always talked to me but it all heated up after she met Dana about 4 months ago.

I just wanna be sure after 2 years I'm ready to throw this away cause I put in a lot if work with this girl and I nned to know if I should just end it now and stay with Dana
"I put in a lot of work with this girl"?? I'm beginning to believe Amy deserves you and you her.

it all heated up after she met Dana about 4 months ago.
Hmmmmmmm, wonder why THAT was??

I've only met her boyfriend twice at the bar she works at. I refuse to rat out either one if them. But I know the guy cheats on her through a friend and it pisses me off cause she's a great girl. The girl I'm with knows about her and suspects something but I denied it. She physically cheated about 6 months ago but I let it go cause we weren't that serious. Amy(the bartender) and Dana( my girlfriend) liked eachother before but I doubt they'll talk now. I just wanna be sure after 2 years I'm ready to throw this away cause I put in a lot if work with this girl and I nned to know if I should just end it now and stay with Dana

You put in a lot of work? Is sex texting that hard? Is cheating on your girlfriend that much work?

You say you don't want to rat anyone out. Why? Are you doing the honorable thing? If so, where was your honor when you went after a girl that is in a relationship? Where was her honor? Only people with honor and integrity should expect honor and integrity in return. You two are both of the hook in that regard.

You may not be willing to "throw this away" but she is. She's no longer texting you. She's no longer interested in having a casual fling with you. Maybe she finally realized that the work she actually put into her 6 year old relationship isn't worth losing just for a one night stand with you.

This isn't all about you and what you want. The sooner you realize that the world doesn't revolve around your wants and needs, the happier you'll be. Then you'll be ready for a relationship. Until then I suggest you become single and remain single.

Do the right thing and leave her alone.

Basically your girlfriend is the backup plan. I wonder how she would feel if she knew the truth.

Wondergirl makes the most sense I hate to admit it but she's right I have to end everything. I just want to make it clear that she started the whole thing. I never once crossed the line with her until she opened the conversation. Don't perceive me as a skumbag I'm not I'm just caught up in something ice never experienced. Unless you've experienced the same thing u have no clue what it's like.

I meant altenweg not wondergirl. Altenweg knows what she's talking about. I wish she never said any of that stuff. I'll let it go but it might be the toughest thing I've ever done.

Altenweg what did u mean when u used the abbreviation "OP" in a previous message to wondergirl?

Altenweg what did u mean when u used the abreviation "OP" in a previous message to wondergirl?

OP means Original Poster, the person that asked the question. In this case, you. :)

I meant altenweg not wondergirl. Altenweg knows what she's talking about. I wish she never said any of that stuff. I'll let it go but it might be the toughest thing ive ever done.

It's never easy to do the right thing, but walking away is the right thing.

Maybe this is a wakeup call about your own relationship. If you could be so easily tempted than obviously the girl you're with right now isn't the one for you.

As for the bartender. I'd steer clear of her. If that means finding a different bar to hang out in, that would be a good first step. Go to no contact. Treat this like a break up. If she does start contacting you again, ignore the calls, the texts, any attempt at communication.

That's the way to go about this. At least you can be thankful that this never went beyond texting. Move on, forget her and work on finding a relationship you want to be in, one where you would never even consider straying with someone else.

Wondergirl makes the most sense I hate to admit it but she's right I have to end everything.

You just have to make a decision on what you think is best. Just don't pursue both girls at the same time. Pick one and stick with her. Don't use the other one as the fall back plan.


I just wanna make it clear that she started the whole thing.

Doesn't matter who started it. Even if she started it, you continued it. Two wrongs don't make a right.


I never once crossed the line with her until she opened the conversation.

You crossed the line anyway. I'm fairly sure your girlfriend won't be happy to see your sex texts with this bartender.


Don't perceive me as a skumbag I'm not I'm just caught up in something ice never experienced. Unless you've experienced the same thing u have no clue what it's like.

You'd be surprised how many people have been in this situation. You're not a skumbag, you just need to figure out what you want and stick with it.

She's back to texting me all day

Harshness Warning

I just read this whole thread and have only one thing to say: Stop trying to make yourself look innocent and her look respectable. You knew the score from the first 'sext'. You could have stopped it then instead of playing games with her. It doesn't matter why she wants anything. What matters is why you can't seem to get your brain to accept that YOU are the problem at this time instead of her.

Break off the 'relationship' with Dana. Ignore Amy. Get yourself together and move on with your life.

Take responsibility instead of building a fantasy.

I'm not texting her back. I don't want to break off my relationship with Dana an I'm not. I'm done with Amy all she wants to do is play with my head to get her own little thrill out of it I get it an I'm over it

I'm not texting her back. I don't wanna break off my relationship with Dana an I'm not. I'm done with Amy all she wants to do is play with my head to get her own little thrill out of it I get it an I'm over it

There's one thing you have to realize, and until you accept this, you won't truly understand why this whole thing is wrong.

Read what you wrote. You're done with her because she only wants to play with your head, and get her own little thrill out of it. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself. Why did you start sexting with her? It doesn't matter if she texted you first. It doesn't matter if she came on to you. You still made a choice, and that choice was to cheat on your girlfriend and go after Amy. You're not innocent, not even close. Both you and Amy are at fault here. You're both guilty. You were also after the cheap thrill.

Until you accept that you're not an innocent victim in this, you will continue down this road. Accept your blame in this, so you can work on yourself and better yourself. You're not the victim, you're one of the guilty parties. The only innocent victims in this are your girlfriend and Amy's boyfriend.