Hi everyone,
I've been reading through the responses in here, and you all seem like really great people. I haven't found resolution to my situation so I'm hoping your insight could help me.

My boyfriend of a year a half finally called it quits with me. We met only a week after I called quits with my first boyfriend of 3 years. He really helped me get over that relationship, so I feel like this is my first real heartbreak. This man was so amazing to me. I left for college only 2 months after we met, and he stayed in a long distance relationship with me through that. We saw each other every weekend. Anyway, he treated me perfect in everyway.. except he was a little more flirtatious with other girls than I would have liked. I had only been with one guy before him, but he had been with quite a few girls. That was something that always bothered me, and I really gave him a hard time about it. It got to the point where I tried to break up with him a few times because I thought I needed to experience more people before I was with him. I started to realize that the number of people you're with doesn't really matter, so I started getting better about all that stuff. I had worn him down too much though, and finally he told me he needed space. So, as of 1 month ago, we have been "broken up." He said he still wants to talk to me because he might want to get back together eventually. He said he "wants me, but feels like he can't be with me." He's afraid I'm going to make him feel like a bad person again. We've hung out about 5 times in the past month, and when we do he treats me like his girlfriend. I feel like I'm always the one calling to hang out though. I have great friends, but they don't fill the space in my life that he has left. Him and I connected on such a high level. Sometimes it makes me more sad to hang out with my friends because it makes me realize how special him and I were.

Basically, I don't know what to do. I haven't called for 3 days now, and of course he hasn't called me. We were thinking about getting together this weekend, but when I'm the one always calling I feel like I'm forcing myself onto him. I mean, if he wanted to hang out, he'd call me. Whenever we talk he makes it sound like we have a future together, but it really just kills me inside. I feel like crying every time I see him, knowing that I can't have him anymore. I feel like I had everything I want, and I pushed him away. I feel like there is no one better than him out there for me because he had everything I wanted. Some of my friends say he's trying to keep me on the side in case he doesn't meet another girl. I don't really know what he is doing. I've seen a lot of things on here about having no contact. I've tried to be really strong about that, but it's so hard. It's been three days since we haven't talked and that's been almost impossible for me. In fact, I called him today from a blocked number but he didn't answer.

Sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do. I cry everyday, and I just want to be better. Thank you for any help.

It's hard for me to say. I would keep pursuing him, because it sounds like you're the one who started all the issues. I'm sorry, I know it's not very supportive, but I'm just being honest :( You have a lot of crow to eat if you want him again. However, your friends have a valid point, that he could be keeping you on the side. Does he get angry if you try talking to him about getting back together? If so, then I wouldn't talk about it. If he doesn't, ask him, truthfully, because you realize now that you were wrong, what you can do in order to let him know you think he's a great guy. I mean, to be honest, if he said that he's just worn out from handling your jealousy (I get jealous too, trust me), and it made him feel like a bad person, I can understand why he's not making an effort to hang out with you. In this case, you're the one who has to do the wooing, and apologizing, and there's no guarantee he'll get past everything that happened. He probably is seeing other people, which is fine, he needs that. Tell him that you respect his feelings on things, and that you want him to know you love him, and that, yes, you are his FRIEND! I don't think women have the first clue how important that is to guys, more so than girlfriends! Or even sometimes wives! When you think about it, you weren't being a very good friend (and I smile shamefully at this, because I've done the same thing). The important thing now is to concentrate on your friendship. Good luck with everything. Keep in mind, I'm a dumpee too, and even though we're still friends, he's moving to another state to live with another girl... now I'm losing my friend as well. You don't want to lose both, trust me :(

First, most people don't answer blocked calls. Why would I want to talk to someone who doesn't want me to know who is calling. Don't play that game. He is sending a strong message by not calling. Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't even bother to call you?

First, most people don't answer blocked calls. Why would I want to talk to someone who doesn't want me to know who is calling. Don't play that game. He is sending a strong message by not calling. Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't even bother to call you??

I actually understand what you're saying and, believe me, by no means would I ask anyone to lower themselves by begging or pleading :(... I just think this is a different case, because, and I'll be honest, if he didn't want to talk or see her at all, he would ignore her entirely. The problem also is that, unfortunately, she might have brought this one herself :(... I know I have before. I don't think she should expect anything out of him. She should not let him string her along, but, from what is sounds, she wasn't being a very good friend even at the time. And, again, I have done the same thing :( I was guilty of a lot of things I had done, and I had to eat crow to just to rebuild a friendship.

In the long run, it depends on whether you still want to remain friends with him, not whether you'll get together again as a couple. If that is the only reason why you're pursuing him, then I would stop. If not, then I would continue on.

I really don't know a lot of the situation, but like I said, on the surface, that's what I would do.

So this guy breaks up with you claiming that he needs "space"... ok fine. So why then, are you calling and calling? How is that giving him space exactly? Your calling him from a blocked number sounds a bit stalkerish in my opinion. You are only going to push him further and further away if you keep this up.

I disagree with your friends' idea that he is keeping you around just in case he doesn't find another girlfriend because he is not the one initiating the get-togethers. You are. You are keeping yourself hanging around. I remember reading this passage in a book called Girltalk About Guys when I first began dating, "Hanging around and being available if he wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." This may help you because you seem very needy here.

You are hanging around with an ex, doing the friend thing, desperately seeking his approval at the expense of taking care of your own emotional needs and this will NOT get him back. Do you notice that he is not calling at all on his own? You need to back off here and give him his space. You need to develop some independence and get a life of your own if you ever want him back. If he comes back to you at all, he must have a desire to do so on his own. You can't beg him. You will only serve to turn him off more by hounding him.

I'm not suggesting that you never speak to him again, but my advice is to stop initiating calls, stop asking to hang out, and stop talking about getting back together all the time with him. You said it yourself, if he wanted to hang out, he would call. So, let him. Back off and gauge his interest by letting him initiate some contact for a change. If you truly want to be friends with him only, be friendly if he calls and stop talking about the relationship all the time. If you want to get back together, give him some space and let him miss you. This is no guarantee either, but it would be better for you to stop being so obsessed with him at any rate. And if he doesn't come back, it will help you to start moving on and letting go. You may be incompatible anyway, since you have jealousy issues and he flirts with other girls. It may be best to separate. I dated a guy who was a big flirt and it was not fun.

Daisydew,
I too was with a guy who was extremely flirtatious and would even go as far a checking out other women in a very obvious way. However, he treated me like gold. I started creating trouble in the relationship because this was really bothering me.

We broke up and made up 3 times! Needless to say, every time we were apart, I would regret my actions and beg him to take me back. Each time I thought... "this is it, I'm going to change". The truth of the matter is that unless you get help or sort through these jealous feelings, they will never go away. When I talked to him about how it bothered me, he made me to be the "bad guy".

Some people have characteristics that cannot be changed, which creates clashes among some couples. You really need to ask yourself, are you truly missing him or are you missing the thought of just being with someone. Are you prepared to get him back and deal with his flirtatious ways? He doesn't see anything wrong with it, so why does that mean you need to be convinced there is nothing wrong also.

My belief is, if there is something in relationship that's bothersome, then each should respect what is being said and if there is true love, they will try to change. It's not like you're asking him to stop hanging out with his best friend. He can't even respect that fact that you don't like him flirting?

It's funny how he has made this about you now and taken his responsibility completely away. He's gotten you to feel guilty!
Personally, I don't think he's worth it. You're not asking for the world, you're just asking for him to be not so flirtatious. If it were me, I'd find someone else... that's exactly what I did and I couldn't be more happier. Do yourself a favor, don't wait around.

Sorry to make this so long!

Thanks for all the great responses. To be honest, I don't want to be just friends with him. He's a very attractive guy, and gets a lot of attention from girls. I'm sure he'll find another girlfriend fairly quickly, and I can't deal with that. When I talk to him about being in a relationship in the future, he says things like "I hope so." He tells me that he loves me and feels like were very compatible... but then he doesn't call... so many mixed messages.

I like this quote
"Hanging around and being available if he wants you back does nothing for your self esteem and nothing to make you more attractive in his eyes. Neediness is not as appealing as self confidence." Thank you for that.

I read a lot of quotes and things like that that make me feel strong enough to be independent and get through this, but then it seems like everyday I have a breakdown at some point. I feel like I just can't go on like this anymore... and I ended up calling him tonight, of course he didn't answer so I left a blubbering message. Now I regret it, but can't take it back. What should I do when I feel like all I want to do is call him?

About the jealousy thing... I think I was getting better about it. He wouldn't blatantly check out girls or anything.. he was just very huggy and things with his female friends. And MySpace was a really awful thing. I would get jealous whenever a new female friend would leave him flirty comments, and I had no idea who she was.

I keep thinking I need to learn to be happy and single. I'm 20 now and haven't been single since I was 13. I just felt like he was the "one."

Karolina.. I wondered for awhile if I'm just lonely. Right now I feel like I'm not lonely, I sincerely miss him. But for awhile I felt like maybe I was just lonely. How do you tell the difference?

The best thing you can do, is stop calling. He knows he has you if he does decide he wants you, or not. It will only hurt you a lot if you do call him, especially as you still care a lot for him. I would stop all contact with him. Each time you call, you are setting yourself up for another fall. I don't mean that to sound hurtful, but I have learned a lot.

Honestly then if a "friends only" relationship won't work for you, then you do need to stop. I agree with everyone here on that.

I really feel for you and do completely understand your pain but your comments above are really detrimental to yourself. Who cares if he finds another girl? He's just going to end up doing the same thing to her! You are doing yourself a huge injustice if you wait around. I am 10 years older than you and have been through big breakups only to think that my life won't go on. Well it has gone on, and it's much better.

You say you haven't been single since you were 13, this is not healthy. No wonder you're having problems, you don't even know how to funciton on your own. I mean that with real sincerity:) Please take my word on it, this is a blessing in disguise. You have the perfect opportunity to help rebuild yourself esteem and make some good changes in your life. Do so now. HUGE RECOMMENDATION - DO NOT CALL

Besides, who's to say you won't be the one that meets someone next. You're really not giving yourself credit and it's very sad to see that. If you set the standard in which you allow men to treat you this way, it's going to be very hard to change in future relationships.

I'd just write him a letter, or go to his house or work, or call even .Tell him you love him very much, tell him you need him, why you need him and what he's done for you. Make him see how you feel. Make him hear you. Maybe a lightbalb will click in his head. Ohh and practice what you want to say first, sounds stupid, but it works :P

I'm trying to initiate no contact with my ex, but he still wants to be friends. He said he won't call me if I don't want him to. The problem is, I get to about day 3 of no contact and completely lose it by giving in and calling crying. Does anyone else feel like there's no one that can make them feel better except their ex? How do you get through the days where all you want to do is call them?

Daisy, it's hard, but not impossible. You need to have a strategy or it won't work. Make yourself busy. Really busy. Buy a really good book and dive in. Do you have a dog, take him for an hour long walk every day. Not only will it be good for you but your dog will repay you in being a good pet, tired dogs are good dogs. Come on, you can do this, just get busy with life and yeah, tell him you need no contact right now and tell him not to take your calls cause they're made in moments of confusion.

Why not get busy doing the things you enjoy without him. No Contact is hard, but it gives you time to find out about you. You must get busy, and stay off that pity pot and start to build you a life. Time will heal you if you let it. Get a hobby or two or three and fresh air and exercise is great, put new people in your life or volunteer your time to those less fortunate, they always need help to read to children, or serve lunch to the elderly. Fill your time with positive actions.

Excellent advice from tal and momincali.

No contact is very hard and I know how you must be feeling. The way to do it as the above responses say is to keep busy doing positive things like exercise or any hobby that you can take up that keeps your mind off the ex. I like tal's suggestion about volunteer work. Not only will this keep your mind off the ex but it is a positive contribution to your community and will in turn give you a sense of achievement and will also open your eyes to problems in the community. Even if you do not choose to do this, you must in some way occupy your mind with positive actions. Time will help put things into perspective and believe me when I say that it will get better in time.

Enough of this humiliation, and wondering about him. Leave him alone and work on your life without him, or any other man for that matter. You have tied up your happiess and self respect into some one else and now you don't have a clue who you are. Yes it hurts but, this was a wake up call for you to get healthy and make healthy decisions. Leave him completely alone and put you and the life you need first. He will not change for you or anyone, so move on and get your life together. You don't need this in your life.

I can't move on. I think I'm seriously spiraling down into depression. I wake up thinking about him. I think about him the entire day when I'm trying to stay busy and distract myself, and I think about him before I go to bed. He was my life. I know that's not healthy. I just don't know what to do with myself now. Maybe I should have a couple sessions with a therapist?

"Basically, I don't know what to do. I haven't called for 3 days now, and of course he hasn't called me. We were thinking about getting together this weekend, but when I'm the one always calling I feel like I'm forcing myself onto him. I mean, if he wanted to hang out, he'd call me."

Daisy, I think you do know what to do and I think that's where you struggle because it's what you don't want to do. Your brain is trying to guide your heart and you're not letting it do it's job, it's trying to protect you, listen.

Wap has been through quite a bit, she knows, listen to her, no contact with this guy for any reason. That doesn't mean that if he initiates the contact it's okay, no, its not. No contact either way.

It will take time, other things will take over these thoughts about him believe me. You should just concentrate on things that you enjoy, going to the cinema, going out with friends, shopping : ) that kind of thing. Fill your head with other things, it is the only way to get through it. I know how much it hurts believe me, I felt better when I hadn't contacted him. The longer you do not contact him the easier it becomes, because you think, what would I actually say to him? Then you stop and don't do it. Delete his number if you have to, I did.

Hi,
I wrote a couple days back about my ex-boyfriend. He called me today, and had a lot to say. He says he is still in love with me, but he's not ready to jump back into a relationship with me. He wants to know if I want to still be his friend and hang out from time to time. We had been doing that a little bit, but it's very hard for me. I told him I didn't think I could just be his friend while I'm still in love with him.

I really want to be back together with him... do you think the best way to do that is to continue my no contact or be his friend? He left it up to me to call him if I ever want to hang out. I don't really want to hang out unless we are back together, it's too hard for me... but then again maybe hanging out will be beneficial so I can prove myself to him. I just don't know what to do.

Maybe you should stand your ground, not be his friend if it hurts you, and tell him, "Well, I'll leave it to you to call me if you want to get back together in a relationship." Then leave him alone and go on with your life, but be friendly if he initiates contact. Remember that neediness is the ultimate man repellant. Also, did you notice that HE finally called you? Had you been leaving him alone and letting him miss you? If so, perhaps since you showed a little independence for a change and gave him some space, he had a change of heart.

If he loves you but wants to just hang out and be friends... he wants to have his cake and eat it too... meaning.. he wants to keep your butt hanging while he checks out other stuff.. dont hang around to watch this... go on with your life... toughen up and get moving.. if it was meant to be.. it will be.. but don't waste your time trying to MAKE it happen.. be polite if you see him... dont be intimate at all at this point if you ever have been. That makes you a "booty" call. Be better than that. Smile and be nice to everyone. Write him off though

No contact is for you to get over this break up, not get him back and you will look foolish hanging out with him and trying to PROVE yourself to him. Reread your other posts the answer is still the same so please accept that this is over.

" I still love you, but I only want to be your friend." Please!

Here's what really happened. You two broke up and he found out he wasn't Joe Smooth like he thought. So he's calling you back up and want to remain friends only and hang out because he wouldn't mind a piece every now and then but he doesn't want to be tied down in case someone else actually falls for his stuff. Keep your distance from this guy he is neither a player or a keeper, he's just useless.

I would remain distant from this one. He is asking too much of you to remain friends and you are emotionally well enough to cope with friendship with this man. You still have too many feelings for him. You may never be able to have a friendship with him and I would be inclined to say that most (not all) people can be friends with ex's successfully. It sounds to me that you have done the No Contact thing and remained distant, things may not be working out as he had hoped, so he decided to ask you if you want to be on the sideline for him, since he knows you still have feelings for him. He is worried that he is now going to be left alone and perhaps worried that you will move on before he does. Either way, he sounds like a player and I would avoid allowing him to hurt you anymore. I would suggest No contact, obviously be polite if he contacts you but say to him that friendship is not something that you feel would be appropriate.

You must look after yourself and protect yourself and No Contact is the best way to allow yourself to heal and move on!! Whatever problems he is having with his new found freedom is nothing to do with you and is his to deal with!

Hi Daisy,
This is a tricky one :) I'll give you an example of a relationship I had:

(I was 22 years old at this time)
We dated for 2 1/2 years, he was my first and he eventually broke it off with me only to keep me on the side until he sorted out his feelings. Well, I waited, I didn't know any different and I'm not kidding you... I thought my life was over. Honestly I did, cried for MONTHS, depressed, couldn't get out of bed, left school, made horrible choices at work, the list goes on. I wasted an entire year of my life waiting for this loser. I couldn't deal with the fact that he dated other women and I just waited for him. This hurts soooooo bad and I understand the how PAINFUL it is. BELIEVE ME, TIME HEALS PAIN. Being as young as you are and as you go through life, you will have so many other issues that don't even pertain to men and you will see the real importance of what is worth grieving over. I'm not trying to lower the pain of this, but you are just beginning your adult life and will face many struggles.

I have/had the same jealousy issues as you. A lot of women do, whether they admit. You have to know that this is not because your boyfriend is good looking, or how many girls stare at him and vice versa... this is something inside of you and yourself esteem. It will never go away unless you build confidence within yourself. TRUST ME. Many of my relationships suffered cause of it. Good part coming :)...

I made a point to change my life and give myself the things I deserve. I lost the weight ( I gained 80lbs during that breakup) that I gained. I learned a new language, began taking my courses at school to finish my degree, started my own cosmetic/skin care company, travelled, focused on my friends, family AND MORE IMPORTANTLY - ME! I spent 2 years alone and when my old boyfriend heard of my success and tried to contact me, it was the greatest satisfaction of turning him down and having no feelings towards him. I am in a wonderful relationship now, of which we do struggle with issues, but I now know if this one doesn't succeed, I will find another man who would love and adore me because I am an attractive, kind, loyal person and I make a great girlfriend, not perfect, but pretty darn good :)

Find something you're good at, forget him for now. Focus on a hobby, school, charity - anything. Shock the world with any of your talents, start loving yourself and making good choices to set the path for your entire life and you will be amazed on what men, things, wealth will come your way. Use this website as a source of support, the people here are wonderful. Sorry to make this long, but if I can spark something inside of you to change, it was worth it :) Good luck.

You're welcome Daisy :) You are going to look back one day and thank him for this valuable lesson, I just know it!

So after I told my ex I didn't want to have any more contact with him, he decides to send me an email with the lyrics to a song about missing your girlfriend. I tried so hard to ignore it, but part of me wants him back so much. He said he'd always accept a phone call from me, so I decided to call him to find out what he meant by that message. He answered and basically said it didn't really mean anything, he was just feeling that way towards me that day. He then said he had to go and *maybe* would call me some other time.

I was starting to feel better until he wrote me that little note and sparked my hope again. I feel like I've taken a giant step backwards... of course it's my fault for calling him. I wrote a huge email telling him how I felt about the way he treated me. It included that I don't want any more messages about how he feels. I made sure to include how happy I was with my new life, and that I hope he is happy with his. It wasn't a mean email, but it firmly said that I'm still healing and don't want him contacting me.

I just woke up feeling very angry today about the whole thing. I'm angry at him for leading me on again, and I'm angry at myself for giving into it and taking a step backward. I'm not even sure why he would lead me on like that.

So I'm going on my 6th week of being single, and it really is getting better. For everyone out there who is fresh out of a breakup, please know that it will get better. I remember thinking there was no way I could go on in life without him... but now I can start to see the light and know that things are going to be okay eventually. I still think about him everyday, and sometimes I still cry... but it really is getting better.

Hey. That last paragraph was really encouraging. I came to this thread thinking I may be able to help you, and instead you helped me.
I know what it's like to need to vent... I've been venting a lot too. I'm sure my mates are sick of it by now.

I think it was unfair of him to lead you on and send those messages, especially if he wasn't sure he meant it. I can't really give any advice, but I hope he leaves you alone now.
It's great that your recovering so fast.

It is very good that you share your hope, light at the end of the tunnel to all those who are experiancing similar situations. Just venting is good. This is the best place for it.

Enjoy being single.

(;

Joe

It nearly always gets better in time and in the early days, most people slip up with the no contact.

No contact is important for healing and making positive progress and should be used for this purpose.

I am glad you are finding that time is healing the wounds. Trust me that I and many others here know what you are going through and send you my best wishes.

Venting is great and you always feel a little better, so feel free anytime , use CAPS if it helps.

It might be helpful to bock emaisl from him as well.

I know you told him not to but who knows, if he gets that feeling again he may be tempted to do a similar thing again and then you you take another step backwards.

Other than that is great to hear that you are making progress.

Just remember that there are going to be so many ups and downs. It really is a roller coaster and this won't be the last set back. There will be many more to come, but you sounds like you are going about things in a healthy way so I'm sure you will be back to your 'best' sooner than you think!

This is a great place for venting. Vent away every day if you have too. It beats getting back on the rollar coaster.



I wrote a huge email telling him how I felt about the way he treated me. It included that I don't want any more messages about how he feels. I made sure to include how happy I was with my new life, and that I hope he is happy with his. It wasn't a mean email, but it firmly said that I'm still healing and don't want him contacting me.

Although in the future I wouldn't suggest sending the letter back to him writing down you thoughts is a great way to get things off your chest. It helps get out the pain and also organize it. It helps you see that some of what your going through isn't as bad as your brain tends to imagine. It puts logic back into an emotional problem.


So I'm going on my 6th week of being single, and it really is getting better. For everyone out there who is fresh out of a breakup, please know that it will get better. I remember thinking there was no way I could go on in life without him...but now I can start to see the light and know that things are going to be okay eventually. I still think about him everyday, and sometimes I still cry...but it really is getting better.

So you just had a momentary lapse. Not a big deal. In fact if you look at it as a learning experience you actually gained some strength and knowledge. You now know what contacting him will really mean. More pain and games. Don't see this as a setback but as a reminder that you are making progress and a reminder of why you left that situation.

Don't allow for more set back from him again. Change you email and any number he has.

Don't allow for more set back from him again. Change you email and any number he has.

Do you really think that's necessary? If she's getting on fine now, then changing her phone numbers and email is a bit over the top.
She'd have to inform all her contacts of her new details, and that could take a lot of effort and put on a lot of stress, especially if she had friends who knew her number, but she didn't know there's.
That's just my opinion though...

Do you really think thats neccesary? If she's getting on fine now, then changing her phone numbers and email is a bit over the top.
She'd have to inform all her contacts of her new details, and that could take a lot of effort and put on a lot of stress, especially if she had friends who knew her number, but she didn't know theres.
Thats just my opinion though...
I actually do think it's necessary, if you read her post from yesterday, you'll see that she received an email from him with the lyrics to a song about missing your girlfriend which got her hopeful, she had a bit of an impulse to call him because of the note and BAM, she falls on her face again and gives him a chance to say some hurtful things. He baited her just cause he was feeling down and that's wrong.

When you've suffered a break up like Daisy has, sometimes you have to take some drastic measures to secure yourself and your success in getting over someone. He was feeling low and without regard for her feelings sent her this email, which any broken up person would take as a sign and when she called him, he'd changed his tune and slammed her heart on the pavement. Sure it may be a bit inconvenient, but I guarantee, it will give her such a feeling of power and control because she's taking serious steps to assure this guy doesn't get the chance to do that to her again. She's showing him that "hey, I really don't have the time or desire to deal with your games or your sillyness and I'm moving on..."

Thank you so much momincali, you perfectly described how I feel. I can't seem to shake this feeling that he left me with though. Now I'm still holding onto the hope that he might want to get back together. It's so hard to look back and remember how great I felt in the relationship, and then to be feeling so hurt and sad right now. I feel like he pushed me right back to square one. I'm back to not wanting to leave my room or really talk to anyone. There was something about hearing his voice that made me miss him so much.

I really wish I could understand what was going through his mind when he does this kind of stuff. I'm sure you're right momincali, he was just having a bad day.

If anything, I guess this is just another incident that let's me know this is REALLY over. I mean if he had any hope of rekindling things in the future, he would not be treating me like this, right?

I hate this feeling of being stuck in a slump on a Monday and knowing I have to make it through the entire week feeling like this.

Thanks for listening and responding everyone. It's good to know there's such great people out there.

Daisy, unfortunately you let your weak heart lead the way and you called him only to be hurt by his response. It has put you in a place you don't want to be in.

It's time to start changing your attitude. Take no prisoners Daisy. Make all those changes we suggested, even if they're scary, they will empower you. And yes, this incident should serve as a wake up call that this may really be over. Even in a weak moment of sending out those lyrics, he could have had a more compassionate response by telling you he was really sorry for doing that and he understands it only confused you. I know you "feel" stuck, but your actions can pull you out of that slump of you let them. Change your attitude.

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?

Years down the road when the dust and hurt has settled and the maturity has come down (?) then maybe we can be friends. In the middle of the emotional turmoil, never!!

I am not really for it - someone ALWAYS wants more - + that can change too.

People think it's healthy - I don't - it also COMPLICATES GREATLY your next relationship - which totally makes it not worth.

I agree with his counselour strongly.

It's just frustrating that he made me feel like the crazy one for feeling threatened by him wanting to hang out with his exes. His exes are pretty much the reason why our relationship failed. I wonder if he'll ever find a girl who will accept all his exes?

I think it's a dude who needs a lot of attention then. I dated a gal like this and just didn't think it was right. I think every dude she hung out with still thought he had shot. Very jaded - I think she enjoyed knowing that - but it all stemed from a jaded childhood. She toyed with them.

What Tal said.

Maybe years down the track when everyone has moved on entirely then perhaps you could. But I bet by then you won't want to and will most probably not even want a friendship.

But right now 7 weeks after the break up I don't think there is hope in hell of having friendship. NO WAY!

The first 3 to 5 years most likely one of us would have went to jail if we were in the same town, but now 15 years latter we are friends, still live 1000 miles apart but talk a few times a year.

I really don't feel it's appropriate to maintain any on-going friendship with an ex that includes lunch dates and the like if one is in a current "committed" relationship, especially if the significant other expresses discomfort with that. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with it if I were in your shoes. On the other hand, if one is being free and single and wishes to continue seeing his/her ex's socially then there's really nothing inherently wrong with that. Of course, an obsession with the past is never a good thing under any circumstances. It also isn't good to allow oneself to be led on by the hope of eventually getting back together with an ex if it's never going to happen. Remember, an ex is an ex for a reason.

I could never do it. My latest ex was similar to yours in that he kept friendships with most of his other ex girlfriends too. He had even had an ex girlfriend as a housemate at one time, and she had a fiance' at the time. She moved out when she married the new guy and my ex attended the wedding. I found that to be very odd. He also kept in touch with other exes via email who were long distance. One of his ex girlfriends is now dating one of his best friends and he doesn't even care. He is not bothered by it in the slightest. It's like he can just shut off his feelings like a light switch. Again I find that odd!

When he broke up with me, of course I got the "let's be friends" line and I said no. I know that he found that odd because nearly all of his other exes stayed his friend. I guess I was the only one of his ex girlfriends to turn him down. He made me feel like the "bad guy" (so to speak) in all of this. I still had feelings for him and was very hurt by the way things ended anyway (which was him suddenly dumping me for another girl), so I choose not to be friends with him. He kept contacting me for a long time despite my telling him not to though. I replied to him out of politeness, but finally after he started telling me about his new girlfriend (which was the girl he dumped me for), I ended contact for good. I think he must be an immature, unfeeling person or maybe just a clueless one. I don't really know. I had never had an ex act like him before. I couldn't be friends with him, but I still miss him. It makes me sad, but I can't do it.

As far as my other exes besides the one in question are concerned, I would probably be polite and chit chat if I ran into them, but as far as being friends... hanging out, talking on the phone a lot, I doubt it. In the instances that I broke up with a guy and knew I hurt him, I thought it best to leave him alone and not continue to hurt and confuse any of them, so I didn't stay in touch. I let them move on and find someone better for them than me. Then if they were the ones who broke up with me and I tried to be friends, it wound up that they wanted to turn me into a "booty call". Again, I know some people can remain friends with exes, but I never could.

Sounds like he has a rational sounding cover for building some strange kind of harem LOL. Good for you for not buying it. I am definitely one for not attempting to maintain a friendship with an ex unless there are mutual kids involved -- its just too darned awkward and begs the question... why? This doesn't mean ex's, like terrible failed recipes, ought to be buried in the backyard LOL but letting go means you naturally drift away from each other. If there is no parent role requiring continued contact then I see traces of codependency operating under the guise of being "modern." Nobody is that modern, please (or if they are, then they're being pretty cavalier about matters of the heart and that really isn't my cup of tea).

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?
This is very similar to my ex girlfriend, she kept in contact with her ex's all the time an it cheesed me off a treat - she used to try and make me feel small because if I were mature I would be able to accept that they were her friends now, very good friends? I understand you completely, we used to be together an one ex would ring an it felt like it spoilt the scene an I was like ? And others would want to meet up with her and if I didn't like it, which I didn't she would get defensive? A no win situation where she was in control. In control of me to a certain extent. But now we aren't together anymore all I can do is just completely ignore her, I spent a about 2 1/2 yrs with her an now I don't want to speak with her every again, if I saw her out though I would prob think she was hot - and also she would prob think same of me, so its not as if it isn't even but I think it is a good thing to forget your ex's listern to the counciler - they will only cause more problems later down the line and mess prehaps more important stuff up. Hope it helps at all, but I feel you I had a lot of crap about ex's

I've seen and heard both sides of this story... My pops was a pretty incredible person to me because he was always able to keep his old flames close, in terms of friendship, to such an extent that one of them became a fairly pivotal figure in my childhood and even into my early adulthood. That said, he would appear to be the rare case and I can say with certainty that the fact of her did cause my mother some strain (though many things caused her strain, to be fair).

I personally can see no reason why an ex shouldn't be a friend. I know I'm in the minority. I just don't see how a break up can be a big enough deal to lose friendship over, especially over someone you felt so close to. It makes sense if the problems are irreconciable, but that isn't always the case (not everyone gets cheated on/prooves themselves to be vile/etc). It seems like in the case of two people drifting apart, friendship should be doable especially when it's distance that's the culprit. I mean, what is it that distance does that's so terrible?

Yet, here I was not so long ago attempting to be friends with an ex who broke up with me because of distance and I didn't just get the stone wall I got ice cold hatred. And I was the one who was dumped!

So, short answer, no, long answer, yes with a but...

I guess it just made me so uncomfortable knowing that they were so compatible at one point. He has a web page he uses and kept journal entries on there about his ex from 3 years ago that said some very personal things about their relationship. It just made me so uncomfortable that he had this "record" of all these things he said to her back then that he says to me now.. or that he used to say to me. I brought that up, but he said it's his web page and he didn't feel like deleting them.

I suppose I just don't understand how you can turn around and just be friends. There was something there that set a spark off between the two of you... I don't think that ever just goes away. I was at a restaurant with my ex and one of his ex girlfriends happen to walk in, but didn't see him. We were mid conversation and he just completely ignored me and watched her walk across the room with this sort of twinkle in his eye. It didn't seem like he was that over her to me.. even though he broke up with her.

Sorry this turned into such an unorganized rant. I think I just won't ever be able to be his friend. I will always find him attractive, and I will always remember how I got along with him better than anyone in my life thus far. It would be too hard to ever be friends.

LOL... a scrapbook of sorts no less, sheesh! Any notches in his belts too? You are good to be clear of this fellow and let's hope he attracts partners who are as self-centered and ill mannered with their matters of the heart as he is. Please understand that many of these people don't have relationships, they have serial sex partners under the guise of it being a relationship so they don't feel quite so cheesey! And, no offense here, but let this be a lesson learned for you and those who read here. Red flags are not to be ignored. Better to change partners than attempt to change people who behave like this.

Haha, definitely a lessoned learned. I guess I'm just taking the break up so hard because he really knew how to make me feel good about myself. I've never had so many compliments in my life... I guess he had to get good at that kind of stuff though since he's had so many partners. It still just makes me so mad that he made me feel like the bad person!

Haha, definitely a lessoned learned. I guess I'm just taking the break up so hard because he really knew how to make me feel good about myself. I've never had so many compliments in my life... I guess he had to get good at that kind of stuff though since he's had so many partners. It still just makes me so mad that he made me feel like the bad person!!
Someone else doesn't actually make us feel anything. They invite us and we take their invitation or not. If you are easily made to feel good, it often works the opposite too. Part of the blessings that come with age is you learn to rely more on yourself for the feel-goods and you politely decline others' invitation to feel bad. You acquire more of your own power so that others don't have quite so much power over you. Some of what he did may not have been exactly genuine. So you might ask yourself-- have you really lost anything when it was based more on skillful manipulation then sincerity? If you didn't DO anything bad, then you have no reason to FEEL bad either.

I can see the different views on keeping exes as friends, and its so easy to cross those lines of appropriate relationships.

I like to keep a few of my exes as friends purely because they are good people, but we just were not as compatible as we thought we could be. However I don't see any of them on a regular basis, I would never take a significant other out to lunch with me and an ex... that would be way too weird for all 3 of us.

I don't know if I would eel right going to dinner or just hanging out with a significant other and their ex... I am not an insecure person, and I believe in the line 'exes are exes for a reason' and I don't ever return to an ex... ok once, but I was being stupid... lol. Either way I think keeping exes as friends could be both immature and mature.. depending on the relationship, and how they treat their significant others compared to the ex. It is not right to expect a current BF or GF to get along with an ex, or to accept them in any way. That is selfish and immature to me.

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?
There is no way my husband would ever go for me talking to my exes. I would not feel right talking to my exes anyway. I think I would freak if my husband was talking to his exes. Each relationship carries weight of its own baggage. I am not a jealous person at all... it just does not seem right to carry on relations with exes. To easy to get yourself in trouble even when you do not mean to. Ya know. If your ex was about to get back with an ex before dating you and/or starting hanging out or talking more with an ex after you... forget him. He has cheating written all over him. Best of luck in a happy relationship. :) There are still afew good ones out there.

Okay, so my ex decided to contact one of my friends to find out how I'm doing. She told him I was fine.. she didn't really think it was appropriate for him to be contacting her. I guess then he asked if I was dating anyone else yet... she said she didn't think so. He said he "had to go before he started getting emotional." Before he left though he said he wished I would let him be in my life since I was such a huge part of it before he broke up with me. I really can't be his friend. It's been like 2 months since he broke up with me but I think I'm still in love with him. I just need encouragement to NOT call him. It's so hard knowing that he might still care... AHH This is so hard. I was doing so well, and now I've been thrown back into this place where I miss him like crazy. How does he expect me to be his friend after he broke up with me? Am I supposed to just hang out and watch him go out with other girls? Ahh he's crazy... but I miss him.

Daisydew, hold on! I feel your pain, just try thinking about something different.
Don't waste the progress of 2 months, you've been strong enough to do that!
I noticed that by myself that although it's almost OK it throws you back whenever you hear or come across any news about them. But remember, if he really cared and wanted anything "aside just being friends" he would call YOU. But I also undersand they don't call because they try to save us from more hurt for no obvoius avail...
Be strong and take care of yourself!

I honestly know what you are going through when I split up with my girl friend I still wanted to see her but we decided to be friends but I don't think that was a good idea as it was so hard the best advice I can give you is to just stay away if he did it once he could do it again if he truly loved you he wouldn have dumped you in the first place move on and get on with your life.!

I hope it works out for you I really do tell us if it does good luck.

100 points for venting in the right place. Congrats for making you first, not him

Yes I agree with Tal. You did a great thing by coming here and getting that off your chest as opposed to caving in to what must have been a massive temptation and calling him. Im glad you didn't. I think after 2 months you are still in love with him and right now you really don't need to talk to him.

Please just continue along the road you have been taking so far. It is a very wise move and I think you are going better than you probably realise.

Continue to focus on yourself and don't worry too much about what he is thinking. It is irrelevant as he isn't in your life anymore.

Well done and keep your chin up! Your doing great!!

I found out on Tuesday that my ex already has a new girlfriend. Not only that, but it's someone he knew the entire year and 8 months of our relationship. He was just telling me he still loved me a month ago, and then I cut off all contact with him. Now I find out he's already in a relationship with another girl. I'm so devastated. All I've done these past two days is sleep. The worst part is that I don't even want to be with him.. so why am I so sad? I guess I felt like I deserved more than a few weeks to "get over". I'm definitely not over him yet; I'm still grieving. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

On some day, at some hour there will be this wonderful moment where you will realise that whatever happened after its over really doesn't matter because well, its over. But you are not there yet. You are still grieving and you will likely be for some time too. Floundering is a part of it but find some activities, seek out good friends, clean out closets, be easy on yourself, exercise, get a facial, sleep a little more. Grief is a difficult time.

If your ex looks like he is over it, then one of two (both bad) things is occurring:

1. Either he is pretty shallow and this is all just a game to him (in whch case you're really lucky its over)

Or

2. He is trying to buy off his own grief with a rebound relationship (in which case you are lucky that's not you).

Either way, it changes nothing of your life, does it? The sooner you discipline yourself to turn your attention to anything but him, the sooner you will experience relief in the grieving process. If you don't learn to do that, then at some point you are doing it to you instead of him. Don't fall for that, Daiseydew, you're smarter than that!

You might just be α little jeαlous... when I wαs 5, I used to hαve this doll αnd I didn't wαnt it αny more α couple dαys lαter I found out my cousin hαd it αnd when I sαw thαt she did I got mαd & took it bαck then threw it underneαth the porch.. not quiet the sαme situαtion but sαme reαctions. You'll get over it especiαlly over α stupid guy who led you on. Sounds like α totαl loser.

Take it a day at a time and allow yourself to feel that grief and loss. Always remember that you are a special person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I know it is shocking and there aren't enough words to help you through this. I think time is the best healer for loss. My thoughts are with you.

Everything Val said is so spot on.

I will only add that although it is very hard try not to focus on what he is doing and feeling. You can't control that. But what you can have control over is what you are doing to make yourself feel better. It won't make the pain go away completely, only time will do that, but doing things such as val suggested will at least help take your mind off him even if it is for a minute or two.

But just realise that him being with someone else now is in no way an indication of you, more an indication of some massive faults with him and frankly one day you will realise that this was all for the best. Until then, grieve away and treat yourself kindly!

Don't let it get to you, my ex did the same thing after 2 years. She's just the sponge he's using to clean up the mess. Let it run its course, I'll be over within a few months.

Thank you for all the great advice. I finally got up today and went out with some friends and I'm starting to feel better. You're right, this is one his huge flaws. I should have known it was going to happen. He met me just 1 week after he got out of a relationship. I guess it just hurts that he even feels capable of being with another girl... I can't even THINK about being with another guy for a longgg time.

Anyway, it always helps coming here and knowing that people feel the same way and that I'm not crazy. Thank you!

Thank you for all the great advice. I finally got up today and went out with some friends and I'm starting to feel better. You're right, this is one his huge flaws. I should have known it was going to happen. He met me just 1 week after he got out of a relationship. I guess it just hurts that he even feels capable of being with another girl...I can't even THINK about being with another guy for a longgg time.

Anyways, it always helps coming here and knowing that people feel the same way and that I'm not crazy. Thank you!
I know this is way too soon to even think about but next time, if you meet someone who is like that, you'll know what a red flag one week single is and what to do with it -- either stall bigtime or walk away. And listen to how he talks about his ex - lots of clues there too. This is how any of us gain what wisdom we have. There is no dress rehearsal in life. Good to hear you are up, out and being good to YOU! :)

I'm going through the same thing. My ex told me that he almost potentially gotten together with someone else 3 weeks after our break up, but decided against it just because he wasn't ready for a relationship yet. It still hurts, because he completely move on. I thought it'll take him longer to move on. Even though we weren't together for long, I thought we had a great connection. But now I don't know. He's changed so much, he treat me so different. It's like he's a complete different person.

What happened to the warm loving guy? Now he's just being an a$$. I really don't want to hate him, even if everything ended I wanted to have a good memory of him.

We never know what is ahead, but we do know where we came from and what we are doing now, so dry those eyes and get ready for what is to come.

I'm not sure what's going on with me anymore. I wake up feeling so sad everyday. I have no motivation to get out of my bed, and I've been missing a lot of school. I thought I was doing so much better. I was in empowerment mode like "I can do better!" "I don't need him!" "His new girlfriend isn't cute anyway!" Lately though, I've just been missing him so much. I don't feel like I can do better. I want him back. I miss him more than anything. I feel like he is the only person in the world who REALLY understands me. He brought out so much in me that I loved. I guess I just feel really really hopeless. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to because I was looking forward to my life with him.

It devastates me that he is so happy right now. From what I hear he's extremely happy with his new girlfriend. I feel like he never even thinks about me, and why would he if he is so happy with his new girl. I'm so hurt that he told me all these things about how he thought I was his soul mate. He wanted to be with me forever. I feel like I just can't go on anymore and I'm starting to worry about myself.

How long does it take to really be over someone? I don't feel like I'm ever going to be over him.

It sounds like you really love him. In that case it could be a while before you get over him, I'm sorry. Don't worry, you WILL find someone else, and you will be surprised on how much more you love them, its hard to believe now but its true.

What I would do though is stay busy, if your busy enough then you won't have time to think about it, giving yourself some time to heal and such.

It will get better, don't do anything drastic. If you ever do have thoughts of suicide then I extremely advise you to go see a counseler, just for a while, it will be good for you and it will help you work things out in your head and it will help you move on.

You don't need him to survive. Remember no situation is as good or bad as it seems, you think you have it really bad, but its not all that bad. You think he has it really good, but its not all that good. You'll be fine.

Good luck to you

Hi Daisydew,

It is very normal to have down days like today. In fact I would be more concerned if a breakup didn't effect someone and make them very sad. It's part of the realization of the things that you just said. Realizing that he is not the one nor is he going to be the one. This is all part of the post break-up grieving process. Recognize it for just that. Give yourself a lit bit of time to grieve, but then pull those boot straps up with all your might and pick one new activity to throw yourself into. Even if its just a new book to read. Start slow and don't put too much pressure on yourself to be miraclulously pain free. Believe it or not, you are one day closer to healing.

I am so sorry your are sad and are in pain, but I am so looking forward to when you pop in here and say, Hey, today was a better day. I promise you, that day will come, where you heart feels a little lighter.

Now go and purchase a book or go to the library and lose yourself in the story. Give your mind and heart a rest.

My very best to you :)

aww daisy *hugs*

I know it's hard honey, but you got to keep trying. Put on the right mindset! Re-read your open letter to your ex, he didn't sound so good there. With time and action, you'll be able to move on and find someone better. No matter how bad things may seem now, it'll get better. There will always be something positive and worthwhile waiting for you, somewhere that you're not looking.

I found this picture on a website a year ago, and thought it was beautiful. I think this image describe many of us here. Many of us are left sad and broken by the person we love and care about. We've pour our heart out only to be abandoned. But what makes this picture beautiful is not the sorrow of being abandoned, is the fact that someone notice the abandoned "Love you" sign on a busy street. Isn't that such an uplifting thought? That a random stranger would notice it. It's like a message telling you that, you may be left alone now, but one day someone would notice you, and you'll no longer be alone. So turn that frown upside down!!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v297/annoyingsoul/ixus_feb2004_001.jpg

Hi Daisy,

As everyone told you, thiese are normal feelings after a breakup. However, it seems like you are experiencing some situational depression that can be addressed by your doctor. I went through that when I separated from my husband and did not even realize what was going on until one of my friends said something was wrong with me, that I was not "myself". She was right, I was not "myself". My doctor prescribed a mild anti depressant and it really did help me. It was like the brain fog lifted and I could start seeing things more clearly. Not saying that this is exactly what is happening with you, but I wanted to share it, to ask you to see your doctor and get his advice.

We all go through those times when we feel so lost and feel like we are not going to ever get back to where we were. It does pass. You will grow strong. Taking care of your physical health is so important in this time of stress. Your goal is to get back into the fullness of life. If you find you cannot get over this boyfriend, I hope you find some trsuted person to go and talk to - whether it is a counselor, a doctor, or a pastor, etc. But someone who can help you sort through your feelings and help you go through the skills you need to get back on your feet.

Wishing you the very best.

I've been speaking to a counselor, and she's been helpful. I guess I have had a few days. I just miss him so much. I wanted my life to be with him, and now it's not going to end up that way. How long did it take you all to get over your exes?

Well, in the scope of life - not long at all. A couple months and yes, it still hurts but it gets better. Once you realize that getting yourself healthy is more important than any man couuld be.

Oops, I typed that wrong. I meant I have had a couple of good days... or days where I have had a couple hours where I realize my life will keep going on. It's been 2 months since he broke up with me. For the first month, he kept leading me on though. He kept telling me he hoped we could be together, and how I was the one for him. I finally couldn't take it anymore and cut off all contact. That's when he found another girlfriend. I just feel so lonely. How did he fall out of love with me so fast? I would give anything to not be in love with him anymore and just be able to forget about him.

It is the WORST FEELNG ON EARTH. It makes us selfish and lost and isolated and absolutely sure no one can feel pain like ours! And we may be right, but Vincent van Gogh and Anne Frank and Nelson MAndela may give you a run for your money :-) But barely. Getting over a lost love is usually pre-wired in the brain as a survival tool IF we do the things that let it work. If not, it may take longer. If he left you - it may hurt worse... But if so, this HAD to happen. If you left and he is dating, it may just be his own coping mechanism... Regardless, - you will emerge triumphant!

Here's How: Buy a calendar. Each day put an adjective (or 2 or 3) of how you feel in the box. On the 90th day you may see you are strong again. BUT to do this you must create isolation... Knowing of his life or habits or anything stops the calendar in its tracks. If by some wild chance he IS the only one that understands you, God will bring him back. But the truth is that he may not really be THE ONE, and by going on a 90 day DaisyDew Program, you will look at those adjectives one day and smile. Guaranteed. But only if you let your brain do it's job and heal your soul. Limp out of bed and buy a calendar just for this and eat a snack and TRUST THAT your happiness is now BACK IN YOUR HANDS. The adjectives may be less one day soon. You may not want to even write one.. who knows... see where it takes you.
Empowerment is a powerful thing. Your mind is aching to get started. And you will be AMAZED at what your life will bring you in a year. This is life and it's what makes us human. If we didn't suffer we would be lawn furniture. If we didn't learn from our suffering we would be rusty lawn furniture. Be excited. Focus on that calendar. It will help you. If your relationship was over 3 years ypu can add 45 (extra) days on your calendar (just to be sure) to your peace... You'll get there. Tolerate school, friends, meals as best you can. They will all magically get easier as time heals your wounds - as long as you do not cheat. Best of luck!

I've been speaking to a counselor, and she's been helpful. I guess I have had a few days. I just miss him so much. I wanted my life to be with him, and now it's not going to end up that way. How long did it take you all to get over your exes?Good for you about the counselor Daiseydew! Grief is a unique and personal process but it is a process that takes time. I have been not myself for quite a while after a relationship ended. And it always is a two steps forward, one back kind of journey. The incredible thing I found is one of two things happened. I either learned I didn't die and life was somehow better as a single woman than before or I learned tangible things that made the next relationship work even better-- powerful lessons both that I needed before I met My One. So it is fair to say the best is yet to come and some of this now is the "ditch digging" part of that preparation. Not fun, hard work but a kind of necessary you won't see that way until you get further down the road. Sometimes all we can do is trudge through these parts. Trudge, trudge, trudge.

And a real trudge is can be at times too Daisydew.

It's a roller coaster of emotions that's for sure. Even 12 months on from my break up I have off days, hear things I don't want to hear, run into the ex. All these things still have an impact, but over time you find that it isn't so much the impact that becomes less, it's the time it takes you to not care so much again.

For instance I ran into my ex for the first time in a while on the weekend! When I first saw her I sort of lost my breathe! It was a little scary. We spoke, I learnt some things I wasn't too keen to learn (she's off to Africa to care for children with AIDS - part of her nursing) and we parted ways again. We were civil and everything was fine but still It wasn't a nice experience and it churned up a whole heaps of emotions inside me.

But you know what? A day or two later and I don't really care too much. It isn't occupying my mind. Im back to normal operation (not that I'm very normal).

If the same thing happened 8 months ago I would probably be at home in bed crying about it for a week.

Sorry, what a ramble, but just know it is only time that will make the steps forward bigger and the steps backwards littler!

If we didn't suffer we would be lawn furniture. God, I love this line! It may not make the suffering less but it sure makes it honorable---a crucial part of our human journey and a universally understood emotional language. I may have to plagiarize that line, Ash! :p

The trick is... don't get stuck in it! And if you are, take countermeasures as if you are in emotional quicksand!

I wanted to suggest this website Darren L. Johnson Official Website | Letting Go of Stuff | Motivational Books| Self Growth Audio Book. (http://www.lettinggoofstuff.com) it is amazing the advice he gives. I found it has helped me.

How long does it take to really be over someone? I don't feel like I'm ever going to be over him.
Hey girl,
I understand the pain that you are going through but I have to say that life really is too short for you to be sitting around feeling sad over a guy who is getting on with his own life. I'm sorry to be so morbid and I know that its probably not what you want to hear but I feel I have to remind you of how short life is and how important it is to live your own life to the max as no one else will do it for you. Sometimes we can look down so much that we no longer notice the sunshine, please don't do that to yourself.

It sure is hard, but take it day by day... It may take a while (maybe even half a year or more) OR you may never get over him completely, yet you've got to try and move on with your life.

What's the use of being so down anyway? C'mon! You say he's happy now. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, TOO! ;)

Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.

One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.

The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.

I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.

I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?
Hi there,
It is incredibly painful. I was with my ex and totally understand what you say about his exes.
I believe your counsillor was right in what she said about your bf's immaturity and also his lack of respect for himself and you and the specialness of your relationship.
He might think he is innocent, but more often than not the ex has another motive or still has feelings for him and how can he be completely involved in your relationship when he is still partially invested in an old one.
I am pleased that you have moved on. Hang in there girl! Things will get so much better and you will meet a fella that does not need his exes in his life. Lol

A month ago I'll be saying I want to stay friends with my ex too, but I realize it just won't be possible, until maybe some years down the road. Even though I acknowledged the fact that he moved on, and we can no longer be together. But, it's still painful to find out what he's up to in his life, because chances are he's happy without me.

At first I still wanted to show him that I care about him, that's why I want to remain friends. But if caring about him is going to end up hurting me, I don't think I can handle it. Aside from that he doesn't seem like he wants to keep our friendship either. It'll probably be awkward for the both of us. I just don't think you can be friends with someone, that you're still grieving over for losing.

I think the most I'll do to stay in contact is wishing him happy birthday via email. And that's it.

But if caring about him is gonna end up hurting me, i dont think i can handle it.
WOW!

WOW AGAIN EVEN!

There it is--- the quiet, unassuming, almost elusive, truthful, self-caring, mature and very wise answer to the question about being friends with an ex,. proving without doubt that to make appropriate decisions concerning self, it is essential to know thyself first.

Thank you Kaitou for that jewel!

I think the most I'll do to stay in contact is wishing him happy birthday via email. And that's it.
Even that is too much, but I understand giving up hope is hard. Time will give you more clarity.

Yeah as Tal says time helps you see clearly..
Here am I to prove it , one week after our breakup I was on the verge of sending a mail to say lets be friends, but thanks to tal, Skell, Val and Geoff, I did not, and boy how glad I am today... Thanks again to all of you for saving me from that situation!!
Time really changes how you feel... plus they need to feel the void from their lives.

Little by little I'm changing my mind about being friends with him, even though he was the most lovely, intelligent guy who I believe is my soul mate... but well friends would not work,and why give him the benefit of that really..

I did stay good friends with one ex, well we just dated about 2 months.
And I respond to contact from my first boyfriend when he mails.

I still haven't talked to my ex, and I really never plan on it. Plus, he doesn't need me now.. he fell out of love with me in 2 weeks and is happy with his new GF. Freaking crazy guy if you ask me.

Sometimes I wonder if he is ever going to try to contact me... I don't know what I'd do. I feel like I'm always going to be emotionally and physically attracted to him, so it would be in my best interest to NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

I hate that I still miss him.

This is a tough question, I feel "say hello", being civil is important. I think there are a lot of people whose feelings would have to be considered and more importantly "your own intentions of being friends". I think it is important to protect yourself so that you always move forward.

I a fairytale world "it would be wonderful if we all could "rise above things and be friends".

I still haven't talked to my ex, and I really never plan on it. Plus, he doesn't need me now..he fell out of love with me in 2 weeks and is happy with his new GF. Freaking crazy guy if you ask me.

Sometimes I wonder if he is ever going to try to contact me...I don't know what I'd do. I feel like I'm always going to be emotionally and physically attracted to him, so it would be in my best interest to NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

I hate that I still miss him.
I think those emotional and physical attractions can and do change over time. I found an interesting phenomena Daisydew: those who I have ever loved, I continue to love. It isn't the love that died, but the trust. Sometimes the attraction part died along with the trust (because of all the crap they pulled) and the love somehow turned into something more like what I would feel for, say, my brother or a cousin -- strictly platonic. In other situations the attraction remained but I really did learn to not act on it (because of the lack of trust) and in some cases, not reveal it too (although I tend to be fairly transparent in my feelings about others so that one was a bit tougher). It may be that I still find the jerk hot, but finding him out as a hot jerk changes things, or can if you let it. I hope those are some things you'll consider.

Great stuff Val.

People take trust for granted - until the perso nthey love has had enough and is gone.

Also - it's the old "I love you, but i am not in love with you deal"

Just me, but Why I never went back to an ex, because as cute as they were, or fun as it was, or how close we were, after you find out about the other BS, who wants a repeat of that, and that's just what you'll get so, remember the BS you go thru as well as how cute the butt was.

I am in a similar situation. He still would like to be friends and talk on the phone and everything but it is hard for the me (the heartbroken one). I know that he won't be dating any time soon because his schedule doesn't really allow it. I say as long as he is still single call if you need to talk; however get out of there if he is trying to date again. My ex wants his cake and eat it too! Tough call!

Let me start by saying I HATE myspace. Even though profiles are blocked, you can still see their default picture. I have this bad habit of checking up on my ex and his new GF on there. Nothing ever really changes... until today. She posted a picture of him and her cuddling in the sun. It kind of made my heart drop, but it also showed me the progress I've made.

First of all, I didn't start crying. That's a HUGE step for me! :p

Second, she really isn't that cute! :) It's weird, she has all the features he told me he DOESN'T like in a girl. She looks completely opposite of me.

Third, he doesn't really look that happy in the picture.

Fourth, he's not as good looking as I remember!

So maybe I overanalyzed a little bit, but I'm glad I can kind of laugh about it now. I've realized how badly he treated me, while somehow convincing me that he was the best thing that ever happened to me.

A little part of me hopes that this girl is a rebound. (since he was still telling me he loved me less than 3 weeks before they hooked up) I don't know why... I just don't want him to be happy right now. That kind of makes me sound like a bad person, but he put me through so much and I'm jealous that he just moved on and was automatically happy again. So even if it makes me a bad person, I hope she breaks his heart like he broke mine!

Just one last thing. I'm the type of person that doesn't do well when I know people don't like me, or think I did something wrong. I KNOW he thinks that I'm a bad person and treated him badly during our relationship. He warped everything around in his head; in reality I would have done ANYTHING for him. How do I let go of the anxiety that comes along with him not liking me? I mean I really shouldn't care what he thinks of me... I just hate knowing that he thinks everything is my fault.

Thanks for listening : )

People pleasers hurt a lot when they find out someone doesn't like them. Avoid being a people pleaser.

You need no one's approval but your own.
Looking for a friend?
Try looking in the mirror.
You are your own best friend.
You need only trust and love yourself for others to trust and love you.
You are stronger than you think.

Be the grown up here - wish them well and move on.

Who knows the more things change the more they stay the same life is a rainbow of adventure anchored in gold its only natural to be a little curious and it will always be those that we remember the most the ones who made us laugh and the ones who made us cry and coming from a male perspective if its consolation he dreams of you for every second that he's with her its not hard to let our emotions control our actions the truth becomes so easily distorted that nobody knows what to say or what to do in the end nobody wins nobody loses after all were just two humans being everyday a new star is born and today that one was you...

I'm having another one of those jealous filled days... Most of the frequenters here know that my boyfriend dumped me and quickly moved on to a new girl that he knew while him and I were together.

We had so many plans together. Today I discovered pictures online from a trip that him and I were supposed to take together that he took with her instead. I'm still just sooo incredibly jealous that he was able to move on so fast. Doesn't he even think about how that trip was supposed to be with me and him? I'm trying so hard not to be jealous about them. I try to think that I'm the strong one because I'm not codependent, and I didn't need to rush into another relationship. It's just so hard to see him so happy with another girl while I'm stuck thinking about him all the time. Any tips for getting over jealousy?

My only tip for you is to stop thinking about him. Thinking about him won't do you any good, so stop torturing yourself over him :(. I'm going through the same thing you are, and I told myself, while I'm busy being sad about him. He's moving on, and doesn't think about me at all. I'm just out of his life.

So I should relieve myself from the pain, and try my hardest to make myself happy. And that is to stop thinking about the ex.

Patience, you've lost the battle, but you'll win the war.

Obviously you were more vested in the relationship than he was. It always hurts to come to that realization. However, don't automatically assume that he's so blissfully happy. You may have answered your own question in that he may indeed be codependent. If that's the case then he's far worse off than you and despite appearances right now is only going to end up miserable.

Stop thinking about him, and worry about you. Get busy as you have way too much time on your hands if your thoughts are still in the past.

I've been thinking a lot about unhealthy relationships lately. Looking back on my past relationship, I can now see all the things that were unhealthy about it. He was off giving other girls tons of attention. I was unable to enjoy sex with him because I knew so much info about his ex girlfriend's and his sex life. Most importantly, for about the last 6 months I remember wanting to break up with him. I even tried to break up with him at one point, but he convinced me to stay in the relationship. So after that I just told myself I would hold onto him until I found something better. I know that sounds so horrible. I'm so confused now why it broke my heart so much when he broke up with me. I mean I was the one that wanted to break up months ago! So that's a little confusing to me.

About the unhealthy relationships though... I was talking to a girlfriend and she mentioned that she was holding onto her boyfriend until something better came along. She said she knew that there was someone better for her out there.

I guess I'm just wondering if this is a common theme? Do a lot of people stick with someone even though they feel like there could be someone else better for them out there? It seems so hurtful. I felt really bad when I was thinking I was just holding onto my boyfriend until something better came along, but then I was absolutely DEVASTATED when he broke up with me.

Improve Your Relationships


The Power of Thought

Love begins with our thoughts. We become what we think about. Loving thoughts create loving experiences and loving relationships. Affirmations can change our beliefs and thoughts about ourselves and others. If we want to love someone, we need to consider their needs and desires. Thinking about your ideal partner will help you recognize him or her when you meet him or her.


The Power of Respect

You cannot love anyone or anything unless you first respect them. The first person you need to respect is yourself. To begin to gain self-respect ask yourself: "What do I respect about myself?" To gain respect for others, even those you may dislike, ask yourself: "What do I respect about them?"


The Power of Giving

If you want to receive love, all you have to do is give it! The more love you give, the more you will receive. To love is to give of yourself, freely and unconditionally. Practice random acts of kindness. Before committing to a relationship ask not what the other person will be able to give to you, but rather what will you be able to give them. The secret formula of a happy, lifelong, loving relationship is to always focus on what you can give instead of what you can take.


The Power of Friendship

To find a true love, you must first find a true friend. Love does not consist of gazing into each other's eyes, but rather looking outward together in the same direction. To love someone completely you must love them for who they are, not what they look like. Friendship is the soil through which love's seeds grow. If you want to bring love into a relationship, you must first bring friendship.


The Power of Touch

Touch is one of the most powerful expressions of love, breaking down barriers and bonding relationships. Touch changes our physical and emotional states and makes us more receptive to love.


The Power of Letting Go

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was." Even in a loving relationship, people need their own space. If we want to learn to love, we must first learn to forgive and let go of past hurts, and grievances. Love means letting go of our fears, prejudices, egos and conditions. "Today I let go of all my fears, the past has no power over me-today is the beginning of a new life."


The Power of Communication

When we learn to communicate openly and honestly, life changes. To love someone is to communicate with them. Let the people you love know that you love them and appreciate them. Never be afraid to say those three magic words: "I Love You." Never let an opportunity pass to praise someone. Always leave someone you love with a loving word - it could be the last time you see them. If you were about to die but could make telephone calls to the people you loved, who would you call, what would you say and.. . why are you waiting?


The Power of Commitment

If you want to have love in abundance, you must be committed to it, and that commitment will be reflected in your thoughts and actions. Commitment is the true test of love. If you want to have loving relationships, you must be committed to loving relationships. When you are committed to someone or something, quitting is never an option. Commitment distinguishes a fragile relationship from a strong one.


The Power of Passion

Passion ignites love and keeps it alive. Lasting passion does not come through physical attraction alone, it comes from deep commitment, enthusiasm, interest and excitement. Passion can be recreated by recreating past experiences when you felt passionate. Spontaneity and surprises produce passion. The essence of love and happiness are the same; all we need to do is to live each day with passion.


The Power of Trust

Trust is essential in all loving relationships. Without it one person becomes suspicious, anxious and fearful and the other person feels trapped and emotionally suffocated. You cannot love someone completely unless you trust them completely. Act as if your relationship with the person you love will never end. One of the ways you can tell whether a person is right for you is to ask yourself: "Do I trust them completely and unreservedly?" If the answer is "no", then you must think very carefully before you make any type of a commitment.

I've been thinking a lot about unhealthy relationships lately. Looking back on my past relationship, I can now see all the things that were unhealthy about it. He was off giving other girls tons of attention. I was unable to enjoy sex with him because I knew so much info about his ex girlfriend's and his sex life. Most importantly, for about the last 6 months I remember wanting to break up with him. I even tried to break up with him at one point, but he convinced me to stay in the relationship. So after that I just told myself I would hold onto him until I found something better. I know that sounds so horrible. I'm so confused now why it broke my heart so much when he broke up with me. I mean I was the one that wanted to break up months ago! So that's a little confusing to me.

About the unhealthy relationships though...I was talking to a girlfriend and she mentioned that she was holding onto her boyfriend until something better came along. She said she knew that there was someone better for her out there.

I guess I'm just wondering if this is a common theme? Do a lot of people stick with someone even though they feel like there could be someone else better for them out there? It seems so hurtful. I felt really bad when I was thinking I was just holding onto my boyfriend until something better came along, but then I was absolutely DEVASTATED when he broke up with me.
Ever heard of the term - don't settle for second best? Why would you want to drag something or be in a relationship just for the heck of it? Relationship is about not just being together, its about being there for each other. Not to take each other for granted AND the most important thing is to give it time, nuture it -work on how to make it better every passing day. Its about getting to know each other at a greater level. If you cannot find that satisfaction, you'd do yourself and the man a favor by calling it off.

<Do a lot of people stick with someone even though they feel like there could be someone else better for them out there?>

Nope I've never stuck with someone who treated me bad. One sign of it and I was gone.
Better to be alone than miserable with someone!

"Nope ive never stuck with someone who treated me bad. One sign of it and i was gone."

I agree. I came from an abusive home and I swore no man would ever lift his hand to me again.

Well, after 2 months of no contact, my ex decided to call me today to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't answer, but he left me a message that started just like old times. He was using his little cute voice, but then he got to the end and started talking about how I won't talk to him anymore and he got really bitter sounding... haha which is pretty funny to me. Anyway, I started crying just because it was weird to hear his voice and it made me miss him again. I'm being strong, and I'm not calling him back though! He doesn't deserve to talk to me : )

The weird thing is he had already sent me a message 3 days ago to wish me a "happy early birthday" which I also didn't respond to. I keep telling myself that he can't be that happy with his new girlfriend if he feels the need to wish me multiple happy birthdays LOL.

Anyway, just venting, thanks for listening!

Good for you for not calling him back and staying strong. It does sound to me like he's missing you right now and wants you to break down and call him.

Good to vent here. Well don't. You've overcome another hurdle in your healing process.

There are more to come but you are proving to be quite good at soldiering on through them.

Stick to your path and don't worry about him. Your doing great!

Good for you! :)

Hi again everyone! I haven't been on here for quite awhile. I posted here awhile ago about my ex boyfriend who broke up with me almost 7 months ago. I kept trying to contact him until February when I finally listened to all you wonderful people who told me about no-contact. I have not contacted him since mid-February.. almost 5 months!
Since then he's started calling and sending me messages on Facebook. I blocked him on Facebook and I haven't returned any of his calls. He called me a few days ago and left a message asking if I wanted to go to the fair with him. (Kind of a bizarre question since I haven't talke to him in 5 months... ) Anyway, he basically acted like nothing has ever happened and even used his cute little boyfriend voice. Of course I didn't call back, but I've just been really missing him now. I've been thinking about him almost constantly since he called and I've been feeling a little depressed. Part of me just really wants to hang out with him because I still miss him a lot, but I know nothing good would come from hanging out with him. Part of me just wants to call and chew him out because we he sent me a message on Facebook I could suddenly see his profile again. I saw he already has a new girlfriend, and has posted way more pictures of them together than he ever posted with me. He lied to my friend awhile ago saying he had no girlfriend and he really missed me. So a big part of me just wants to call and be like I know you're lying to me! I know you have a girlfriend! And it hurts me that you put up so many more pictures of you two together than you ever put up of me and you. Haha but I know that's childish and wouldn't get me anywhere either.
So this is basically just half a rant/I was wondering what you all think about the whole thing. I mean, I should call and hang out with him right?? Nothing good would come from it? Should I just do no-contact with him for the rest of my life? No contact has made everything much more bearable for me... Thank you for any input!

I would not contact him. By you doing this you are giving him reason to keep contacting you. I would change your phone # it's been five months you should be pretty healty to get back on your feet again. But no let him always wonder about you.

Hi again everyone! I haven't been on here for quite awhile. I posted here awhile ago about my ex boyfriend who broke up with me almost 7 months ago. I kept trying to contact him until February when I finally listened to all you wonderful people who told me about no-contact. I have not contacted him since mid-February..almost 5 months!
Since then he's started calling and sending me messages on facebook. I blocked him on facebook and I haven't returned any of his calls. He called me a few days ago and left a message asking if I wanted to go to the fair with him. (Kind of a bizarre question since I haven't talke to him in 5 months...) Anyway, he basically acted like nothing has ever happened and even used his cute little boyfriend voice. Of course I didn't call back, but I've just been really missing him now. I've been thinking about him almost constantly since he called and I've been feeling a little depressed. Part of me just really wants to hang out with him because I still miss him a lot, but I know nothing good would come from hanging out with him. Part of me just wants to call and chew him out because we he sent me a message on facebook I could suddenly see his profile again. I saw he already has a new girlfriend, and has posted way more pictures of them together than he ever posted with me. He lied to my friend awhile ago saying he had no girlfriend and he really missed me. So a big part of me just wants to call and be like I know you're lying to me! I know you have a girlfriend! and it hurts me that you put up so many more pictures of you two together than you ever put up of me and you. Haha but I know that's childish and wouldn't get me anywhere either.
So this is basically just half a rant/I was wondering what you all think about the whole thing. I mean, I should call and hang out with him right??? Nothing good would come from it? Should I just do no-contact with him for the rest of my life? No contact has made everything much more bearable for me... Thank you for any input!
I was in a similar situation that you are in about a year ago. The best advice I can give you is to let him go COMPLETELY. No contact at all. Everytimg he calls, or sends you a message it will stir up emotions that you have been trying to shut out. Seeing him even if "just to hang out" will only make things worse. I hope this helps. And good luck to you. I know how hard it can be when you truly love someone, but believe me, it gets easier everyday if you just let go.

Thank you. Yeah I know deep down I just need to stay out of contact with him. Thank you for the reassurance!

Julie??

Hi again everyone! Some of you might remember me from about 9 months ago when my boyfriend broke up with me. I've come so far since then. I had no contact for about 7 months. He called and messaged a few times, but I never returned the favor until about 7 months ago. We agreed to get together and hang out. He put the moves on me that night and we ended up taking it way farther than just a friendly catching up session.

For about the next 2 weeks he texted me practically nonstop. We got together and few more times and the same thing kept happening. He kept mentioning how he wanted to marry me, but he couldn't be with me right now.. He wanted to take things slowly. Anyway, now he just never calls or texts. He just dropped off the face of the planet apparently. I tried calling and leaving a text. I'm not desperate like I used to be : ) so I just called once and he hasn't returned my call for 4 days now. He didn't call me all last week either.

Basically, I don't know what he's doing. What do you guys think? I kind of feel like he's just saving me for later whenever he's ready for whatever he wants. Or maybe he just used me for whatever he wanted. I wish he'd just be upfront with me. I know for a fact if we do end up talking again and I bring up how he said he would call me on Sunday but didn't, he will just say he was busy and that I'm overreacting. I guess the key here is I need to tell myself that if he really wanted to work things out he would be calling me and paying more attention to me. (Sorry this ended up so jumbled)

One more piece of information: he got a girlfriend pretty soon after he broke up with me. He said he thought that being with her would help him get over me, but that it didn't work. He tells me he's still not over me. He also told me he didn't do anything sexual with her because every time they'd get close he would think about me and he couldn't go on with it.

My logic tells me that this guy has serious problems and I should probably just stay away. It's so hard though. I know that when if he calls and wants to hang out I'll try so hard to say no but he'll convince me to say yes.

Again, sorry this ended up so unorganized. I'm pretty upset about it lately though, so any insight would be greatly appreciated.

My logic tells me that this guy has serious problems and I should probably just stay away. It's so hard though. I know that when if he calls and wants to hang out I'll try so hard to say no but he'll convince me to say yes.
Sounds like you know perfectly well what's the smart thing to do, but because it's "so hard", you've already decided that you'll do the dumb thing instead.

Come on, have some self-respect and grow a backbone. Doing the smart thing isn't THAT much harder, and it costs a lot less in the long run.

Daiseydew
You've already done the Hard yards , you remember what you were feeling like all those months ago? Ok so now you have to decide "Do you want to go back there" Your choice...
If he truly wanted you he wouldn't fall off the face of the earth!

I went through similar situation. It's not easy to let go but the truth is, you'd find yourself much happier if you cut him off completely. Don't let him lead you on and play with your feelings, whether done intentionally or not. This guys doesn't seem to be mature enough to take care of you and your feelings. Move on.

Sounds like he has decided to do what both of you should have a long time ago. And that's cut with the stringing on and leave one another alone.

Why are you so stressed about your EX not contacting you for 4 days. As far as I'm concerned it shouldn't worry you even if it was four months or longer.

You aren't together anymore. Stop thinking and acting as if you are.

Yeah, I just need to snap out of it. He just got my hopes up that everything was going to be okay again. I had a connection with him that I've never had with anyone in my life so it's really hard to let it go... I'm sure everyone feels that way about their ex though.

Yeah, I just need to snap out of it. He just got my hopes up that everything was going to be okay again. I had a connection with him that I've never had with anyone in my life so it's really hard to let it go... I'm sure everyone feels that way about their ex though.


You'll find someone else with an even better connection that will give you the communication that you need and let you float around wondering what the hellis going on.

If you want to be with him try to work things out if you can't or don't want to be with him then you need to tell him to leave you alone

Well, I've been trying to work things out this past month or so. He just sends me so many mixed signals. For awhile he was just telling me how he wants to marry me, but now we haven't had a real conversation for more than 2 weeks. I cried about him for the first time today in a really long time. I wish there was an easy answer. If I tell him not to talk to me anymore I'll always wonder what could have happened between us. But I can't be in this position I'm in anymore. I wonder if he's off with other girls and things like that. A big part of me thinks if he really cared so much about being with me, he would call more than once in 2 weeks.

My boyfriend would always try breaking up with me, showing he cares, acting like he loves me, acting like he hates me... etc. and I never gave up. No matter what. And eventually he started to care more about me. And quit getting mad. And now is starting to just show that he cares. If you love him a lot then do all you can possibly do, and don't give up on him. And you said that about him having a girlfriend... if he can't do that with her because he thinks of you then he must miss you. Can you talk to him about it?

Well, I've been trying to work things out this past month or so. He just sends me so many mixed signals. For awhile he was just telling me how he wants to marry me, but now we haven't had a real conversation for more than 2 weeks. I cried about him for the first time today in a really long time. I wish there was an easy answer. If I tell him not to talk to me anymore I'll always wonder what could have happened between us. But I can't be in this position I'm in anymore. I wonder if he's off with other girls and things like that. A big part of me thinks if he really cared so much about being with me, he would call more than once in 2 weeks.



Reread this and listen to yourself and how you feel. U want him to be the boss of you? No daisy dew you're the boss of you! There's no one that can control the way you feel and protect yourself better than you. Time to drop the washer that broke two months ago.

I don't understand what my ex is doing to me
He isn't doing anything you are not allowing. Your going backward, not forward. Leave him alone for chrissake!! This is a rerun of misery and when do you get enough of that??

Daisydew,
He sounds really commitmentphobic, he cannot commit to being in the relationship and he cannot commit to leaving it.

Go and buy the book 'hes scared she's scared'by steven carter, it will explain a lot of things and explain your part in choosing this kind of man.
Its very deep reading but really really worthwhile.

You're doing it to yourself. Not him. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to marry you. Your holding on to something that was broken a long time ago.. He is off with other with girls. He's off doing what single guys do. After all he is single.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I think you need to hear some reality. As tal said you are going backwards, not forwards. Start taking some control of your life. At the moment he control everything.

I wish there was an easy answer.
This is the heart of the matter, right here. Easy has nothing to do with it. You clearly do know the right answer to your dilemma, but you don't want to act on what you know, so you call it "so hard" and think that gives you some kind of excuse to act on what you know full well is the wrong answer. It's time to take responsibility for your own choices and quit whining about "what my ex is doing to me".

It's been over a year now and my ex still has a pretty big effect on my emotions. He broke up with me over a year ago, and I didn't talk to him for 7 months. He kept trying to contact me, and I finally answered the phone. We hung out a few times but then he just stopped talking to me. Recently, around Christmas he called me up again and we ended up hanging out and sleeping together. He told me he was single, but it turns out he had a girlfriend that was away on vacation. He told me that he wants to be with me later in life and his feelings about me never changed... obviously he was just using me though. After I found out he lied to me about having a girlfriend, I told him never to talk to me again and actually wrote her a message telling her what happened. I recently came across a blog of his talking about how happy he is with his new girlfriend etc... I just feel really sad about it. Even though if he's cheating on her, it can't be that great of a relationship. Doesn't it seem like after a year, what he's doing wouldn't affect me anymore? I can see how unhealthy our relationship was now, but for some reason I still miss him. How long does the feeling for your exes last? I feel like I'm going to be on an emotional roller coaster for years. We dated for about 2 years.

There is no time when you will be over it. Everyone heals differently. When its out of your mind is when it is out of your mind.

My feelings are that when you really commit to someone it takes much longer to get over that person. Unfortunately, most people get in relationships so that they will not be alone, so the time to heal is short because they were never really committed in the first place.

Sorry to hear about your pain. We don't choose who we have feelings for and it seems like your ex has a lot of growing to do before he will be a good catch to someone.

you should really keep him out of your life. Its different if an X is in your mind. And if he is still in your life which is what it sounds if he sleept with you over X-mass
sorry to hear about the pain your in.

but really I would let him go.

I think about my X.s even if I'm with my new girlfriends but id never go back with them because there not right for me. And this guy does not sound right for you

Regards

If you had not hung out and had sex, you would be farther along with your healing, so start all over again with No Contact.