I was a totally straight, boy scout, churchgoing, good looking healthy, happy young boy until the age of 13.
Coming from a small town to a city with over 4 million people was exciting.
My parents settled in tough neighborhood on account of our financial situation.
My parent's wanted me to have a great education. In their ignorance they didn't know that my education was inferior to what I was used to. I did excellent without trying.
The girls were 14-16 in 8th grade. Beautiful Puerto Rican girls who loved to flirt and flaunt their bodies. Then it happened.
I befriended a real nice guy who was 28. Eventually the friendship turned sexual.
For 2 years he sexually molested me. I was horrified. I learned how to block out my mind whenever he performed fellatio on me. He lived on a floor below us, so every time I came home from school, he'd be there. Eventually it became a habit without words.
I'd come in and he'd have his way with my body, then I'd leave.
My shame turned me violent, and my character changed.
I was confused. No one ever told me that such men existed. He was really cool, said he was in the seminary, drove a mustang, offered me a place to hang out in the cold winter.
He was friendly, and really made me feel sorry for him... when I forced myself to think.
I learned how to blank out, for I DID NOT LIKE IT.
Yet, IT FELT SO GOOD.
Now decades later and having lived a life as a heterosexual, married, kids. I am still haunted by what happened.
I have a big desire to have sex with a man... only because I believe that I can choose to.
I don't get turned on by looking at men in the gym, showers, locker rooms, etc.
I just want to feel good.
Yet. I want this to end. I was a very strong boy, and yet was molested. Imagine those boys who were weaker than me. I feel bad.
How can I over come this situation?
For I seem to be drifting closer to having a sexual relationship than not.
In those 3 years of weekly, if not daily molestation, I became an expert at putting the thought out of my mind, but enjoying the feeling to the full extent of the experience.
One would think that I should let the past die.
On the contrary, I have dreams, thoughts, and compulsions.
Thanks for reading.

*hugs* All I can do is let you know that I know how you feel to an extent. I was raped when I was 11. And I HATED it. But for some reason, rape enactment is the ONLY thing that I can sexually enjoy.

And I can tell you that you NEED to speak to someone about this. A professional that is trained and experienced in helping adults who went through sexual abuse as children. It is the ONLY thing that saved my life after years of hiding my own 'shame' and pretending it didn't happen.

Good luck hon. And you can always come here to talk if you need.

How can I over come this situation?
For I seem to be drifting closer to having a sexual relationship than not.
In those 3 years of weekly, if not daily molestation, I became an expert at putting the thought out of my mind, but enjoying the feeling to the full extent of the experience.
One would think that I should let the past die.
On the contrary, I have dreams, thoughts, and compulsions.
Thanks for reading.Hello H:

Women give good blowjobs too. My advice would be the same if you were considering being unfaithful with a women. Don't do it... Oh, I understand the draw... I also understand the word COMMIT! You don't have to do everything you're drawn to.

excon

I will go more into a religious view point ( which I actually seldom do here) but we as people are often drawn into and to do things that are not helpful and others that are actually harmful to us, We see this in people who have desires for drugs, for drinking, for abusing others, and for those that feel a need to be abused.

You perhaps feel unworthy to have a good regular relationship. If you are not drawn to men sexualy, then you are not gay and there is no reason to have a gay relationship

Beyond first self control, people who are victims of abuse need to reach out for help, you on here is the first step,
More steps may be support groups for those who were abused s a child. And also professional help to help learn to live with this without allowing it to effect our lifes.

How can I over come this situation?
For I seem to be drifting closer to having a sexual relationship than not.
In those 3 years of weekly, if not daily molestation, I became an expert at putting the thought out of my mind, but enjoying the feeling to the full extent of the experience.
One would think that I should let the past die.
On the contrary, I have dreams, thoughts, and compulsions.
Thanks for reading.[/QUOTE]

Honesty your never going to overcome that situation. what happened to you is a sad thing, and your were young so you didn't realize that it wasn't the right thing. he was super grown, and he did things that he shouldn't have did. I understand the fact that you liked the feeling, but a female can give you a great feeling as well. you are unsure about your sexuality, but time will tell. be strong sweetie, and stay focused

I have a big desire to have sex with a man... only because I believe that I can choose to\

Read this over and over and then remember that you're married. You can't choose to, unless you're a cheat, a liar, unfaithful. If that's who you want to be, than go for it, but at least have the decency to divorce your poor wife first.

Being molested isn't a get out of jail free card to do whatever you want. Been there, done that. I'm a lot like you. I was molested by my cousin from the age of 5 on. She (yes she. Just in case you're not aware, I'm female too) molested me for years. She was my babysitter.

I am married, have been for 15 years, been with my husband for 20, since we were both 19.

I am faithful. Why? Because I have a choice. I can either respect the marriage vows I took, respect the man I married, or be a whore and spread my legs for every person that comes along.

I choose to be faithful. You have that choice too.

Alten is very right. Being molested or sexually abused or abused in any way as a child in no way automattically means you MUST be a certain way as an adult. You don't HAVE to cheat on your wife. You can choose to divorce her and seek company elsewhere. You can choose to cheat on her. You can choose to honor your marriage and work it out with her and yourself.
But in the end, its all stll a choice for you.

Definitely seek counseling over this. Anything discussed in their office will be confidential... and can be tailored to your specific situation and needs. While it will never change what happened, it can change how you let it effect your life. It will let YOU learn how to take charge over it, and render it less significant in your daily life.

But continuing on the course you appear to be on will likely be destructive.