I am a 22 year old girl, and I am just on a threshold to start a relationship with a 26 year old guy, whom I met about 10 months ago. We were just friends and then progressed to great friends to intimate supporters of each other. He started liking me and proposed to me first. I was very confused initially, but later I found myself really drawn towards and falling in love with him. As a person I am a little reserved and have never been with a guy nor wanting a relationship while he has been in many relationships. He had to break up forcibly with his first love when he was 19, whom he still seems attached to. Since then he has had many relationships, and was completely physical with one of them, whom he wasn't really in love with. I know I can't really expect a virgin for me at this age. But I can't seem to get over the images of him and this girl doing it all. I also sometimes wonder if he did it with his other girlfriends. He says I am his last love and he's all mine now, He says he loves me a lot and wants to marry me. We share a very good emotional connect and love each other. But things get tough with romance, as we are very different on that matter. And so I also keep doubting if I am as good as those girls, If he compares me with them, especially his first love and the one he slept with. I can't seem to get over the insecurity about my position in his life and also the jealousy due to his past. I know they are not healthy feeling, yet I can't get over it.

You are contradicting yourself quite a bit - you say you have a very good emotional connection and love each other in one sentence, and are very different about romance (?) and full of insecurities in the next. You obviously don't have a good connection, and I wouldn't call it love yet either.

Trying to read between the lines, are you saying he gives you hints of what a great lover he's been with great lovers, and you don't feel that you don't have the sexual prowess he expects, or what? If so, say so. Getting it out in the open will relieve most of your jealousy about his past. To be jealous of someone's past is so absurd I don't know what to say. Sooner or later we all have a past, if we live long enough. (At a certain age you won't be wishing a man is a virgin, you'll be suspicious if he is.)

If HE is feeding your insecurity by bragging about his past, tell him to stop.

I think your inexperience in the ways of love, romance, and sex, have you feeling this way, and you will learn as you go. The counsel of an experienced older female would help you greatly, but if he is indeed giving you too much info about his past, and is scaring you, tell him so, and that should help.

I think what you feel is intimidated by his experience that you don't have. This is a first for you, and it's a lot to learn at once, but you will, just have someone to talk to about your fears, besides your guy.

Comment on talaniman's post
Yes Talaniman, I am totally inexperienced in the matters of love, romance and sex. And that is troubling us both. I often don't relate with his desires it seems.He does not brag that much, but it happened a few times that I heard him comparing me

That's when I get upset. And since I am not experienced, the thoughts of him and his ex being so close, keeps lingering around. I don't judge him on it, nor do I love him less for this, its simply that I can't get the images out of my mind.

Comment on joypulv's post
He never suggests being great lover with the lovers. But since its my first and his seventh relationship, I want it slow and he wants it faster. My outlook to sex is emotional and I want it after some more emotional intimacy.

While he thinks we're intimate enough and we should kick start the relationship with sex. He says it would keep us connected in our long distance relationship.

You may be inexperienced in some things, but knowing what you want, you are not. so take things at your own pace, and NOT his. You know what's best for you, and that is where HE has to learn!

Don't be afraid to teach him. Now if he learns, or not is a whole different question. In your own time the answers will be obvious to you. No hurry for anything.

Me and my Boyfriend have just started with our long-distance relationship.We share a good emotional intimacy, but there are some problems between us due to his drastic mood swings and temper.
I really love him, and don't want to loose him. However, he wants sex right now when he will come to see me.He said it to me very lovingly, he says that its his way of committing himself to me. I will be going abroad for my masters and our distance will grow longer, he says that complete physical intimacy along with mental intimacy will keep us committed. I don't find myself ready for it. Whenever we talk about this he gets depressed. How do I convince that I appreciate his emotion but I need more time?

You convince him to wait, by making him wait. Your body, your choice. Be wary of a guy who wants your body before he can be committed. That's a suckers argument. Commitment first, when you are ready comes next.

Thanks a lot!

Threads merged



I and My Boyfriend have been having a emotionally fulfilling relationship since a month with a little tiff and mood swings between us. One of his ex-girlfriends have been obsessively after him to get back to her and marry her. He has blacklisted her number almost since a year with very occasional response to her phone call. In our fights he often mentions that she is the one who loves him the most. My boyfriend, as he said a complete non-serious pure physical flick with her. He was never attached emotionally to her at all and has little respect for her anymore. He says I am 'the one' and he is sure about that. However, this ex-girlfriends about to get married, is pinching him a little. I am really disappointed learning that the man I love was with someone only for sex. He has had at least three sexual partners.(P.S I am a virgin). Thoughts of him being in a physical flick are killing me.I really looked up to him, and thinking of him this way upsets me like hell. He is clear he was never attached, he never liked her enough. He says he loves me and I perfectly fit in his idea of a 'Wife'. I don't know how to end my dilemma. I can't get over his physical flicks with women in his past.

Justinlove,

I am going to take this from a point of view you may not want to hear. This guy is what we woman/men who have lived and have a little more experience in life then you would call a "STORY TELLER". That is a individual who listens to what you want and proceeds to tell you exactly what you want to hear to make you feel special. Your man is doing the exact samething. Don't you think his ex-girlfriends were in you shoes not too long ago!! He was probably saying same darn thing to them. He will say whatever it takes to have you!! He WANTS someone to give all over themselves to him, emotionally is the most important because after that everything else is very easy to obtain.

He is already getting you emotionally committed to him, even to point of being jealous of an ex-girlfriend to apparently getting married. Now is this same girlfriend whom he uses against you in a fight to point out she loves him the best!!

Just becareful or you will be considered his fourth hooks up. You haven't given in yet, there is obviously a reason or something that is holding you back from giving your virginity to him, you might want to really listen to your instincts and kick this user to the curb.

Get out and date, don't get tied down. YOu will really know when it's the right man. For one thing he won't throw how an ex-girlfriend loved him more in a fight, nor will he ever allow an ex-girlfriend to enter into your relationship. Just something to consider---I wish you the best in live, get out and enjoy life!!

Dear Answerme_tender,
I really find your insight agreeable, however, I would like you to know that we are in a long distance relationship. After he proposed and I agreed, he came down once to see me and my family. He insists that next time we meet we should be into sexual intimacy, to complete our relation. He thinks it will be our word of commitment to each other although we live apart, and I will be going abroad for 2 years for studies. We were initially just good friends talking on phone, and liking the support he got in me,he started falling for me. He clearly mentions that after losing his "First Love" at 19, he hooked up with casual girlfriends and admits being a flirt in his past. He now really seems serious about me. Even his parents know about us and are looking forward. He also admits that the somewhat disturbance his ex-gf's engagement is causing is temporary as he eventually knows that he has found his soulmate. Can you now provide me more insight considering these facts?

Justinlove,


A lot of us have been exactly were you are right now. Its extremely hard, because none of us want to be alone. We all want to be "In love". The problem is that we want that love so much that we tend to forget our own common sense. We know that this person is feeding us nothing more then what we want to hear, but we just can't stop ourselves. That's what people like this guy of yours depends on, he is nothing more then a predator, I know that sounds harsh, but I have already lived through being a smooth talker prey!!

They know how to make you feel like only you can make their lives complete, how they have been used by their ex's. You are their soulmate, and once you fully commit to them, by lets say sexually, then you can move on towards planning the future.

Here's my thoughts, and you can take them or leave them. You are obviously having some doubts about this guy. Losing your virginity is something very special and giving it to someone who you are only in a long distance relationship is not my idea of special life long memory.

I guess I would like that special someone to be close, to were we could cherish each other daily if possilble, I not talking smothering each other, but walking and holding hands, etc... Don't you want that? A relationship over the computer is not a true relationship, sorry that is just how I feel, it's a convenience. You have to spend time together face to face to make a real relationship.

Typing over computer or texting doesn't allow you to really get to know that person in every day life situations. I was told once, that you won't really know a person till about 3months, because most people can only fake it that long, then true colors come out, but over the computer they can fake it or lie a heck of a lot longer.

Take care

Dear Answerme_tender,
You are right I do have some doubts when he gets aggressive on the sex topic.He insists it under emotional disguise, and feels degraded when I discuss reasons I don't want it at that stage. I told him exactly what you said, I d like to know him more,we have more levels of mental intimacy to cross, and I would like to do it when I could be with him and feel him close everyday, and not just that we do it and then he s gone.Its my first love which makes me even more dedicated and vulnerable to him, yet I want to wait longer before getting sexually intimate. He agrees superficially and next day we're back to square one. Not once did he answer me in support. That is the only part that upsets me. He feels rejected which he has never been subjected to in his past.
About our familiarity I came to know him through my first cousin, they were in school together.I was in his city for five months where we were introduced, as I needed his help. We became good friends and remained so until recently. I know him since a year now, and we have been in active everyday telephone conversation after I returned to my hometown for 9 months now. He visited me and my family recently to spend the new year with me.
Some questions that come to my mind are:
1.If he didn't mean a serious relation, y would he disclose his past to me, I wouldn't have known if he didn't tell me?
2.Should I consider his flirtatious past, while deciding on a commitment?
3.How should I estimate his loyalty and treatment as a husband, considering his past?

Part of what answer_me_tender is trying to tell you is, you do not know this man. It is natural to have a very long time of learning about another person, before you commit to anything.

It isn't so much a matter of what he wants, and how you should respond to him and his needs, as it is an evaluation of how your needs, standards, goals, and personal boundaries are compatible with his.

You talk far too much about justifying his needs in a way that makes your needs seem inconsequential.

Muster up the courage to take a good look at your own personal standards, and realize you have the power of equality in this relationship. While he may be pushing the sex issue, you can equally tell him, in no uncertain terms, that that topic is off limits, and won't be on the radar or open to discussion until YOU decide it will be.

Give yourself some time to see if can respect you enough to honour your wishes, and to also be considerate, understanding, and serious in an actual relationship over time, Make it clear that he will not wear you down, or lessen your resolve to remain a virgin (for starters), and that you realize only time will result in whether you are compatible to the extent he wishes.

All he has said so far, are just words, and words used to an end. A selfish end, where he is only concerned with his own needs and wants, in a superficial way.

You can do much better.

! Disclosing past---He only has disclosed the past that he wants you to know, enough to make him look like the poor victim. Believe me been there--my ex actually had me feeling so sorry for him, because his ex-was a alcoholic, what he didn't tell was that she one reason she turned to alcohol was because he was running around on her!!

2. There are people who flirt no matter whom they are talking to, its just apart of their nature. But, then there are people who start of being flirts, and continue on being cheaters. That's why its always very important to get to know someone in every day environment.

3. When you are considering someone for marriage you should take everything into consideration. I personally think you should date around before settling down. I think you should enjoy your youth, partying, this is time to get that all out of your system. When you do settle down Im not saying you lose being able to have fun, but your marriage and future children should be priority over the partying, and flirting around.

Im sorry but I still feel this guy is nothing more the a predator. I feel like you are kid on playground and he is insisting you take candy from him. When you say 'No" he backs off then re-offers by trying to get you to help him find puppy. I know you are a grown woman, but he is still just trying to get into your pants. Sorry to be so blunt.

If he really loved you and more importantly made you feel loved, he wouldn't have to convenience you to make love to him, it would come naturally. Just my thoughts. Keep in mind if this is all that he is after, once given he may lose interest!!

@Answerme_tender:
I do consider your points valid and I am thinking about it. However, he gives me impression of having a physical flick without attachment, although the girls were good. Another physical flick of his, was someone he was considering seriously, but later didn't find her suitable.
I also have another thought, that why would he tell his family about us, and come here to meet me and myy family, if he didn't have genuine feelings and intent to marry.
You are right I am naïve in this matter, he is my first experience, and I have never been interested in relationships before. I do find things happening to me right now quite perplexing.

@Jake: I quite find my voice in what you say. I did think of it that way. And my Answer that I am NOT ready for it until I know him very very well and have formed a much deeper intimacy and mutual trust with him ,and develop my own instincts in the relationship. His most common way of combating my negative response is that I say NO to everything he says and that too insensitively. It also counts the NOs I said when I didn't like him , when I was not ready for a relationship and so not ready for a kiss, which all are YES now except further physical intimacy. I explained him, talked to him, tried to relax him of the "ALWAYS NO" image he has drawn of mine. Whenever this point comes into picture even a sweetest conversation goes for a thought.I don't know if he ll ever recover that image of mine. I have several times, very lovingly explained to him that I am more of the emotional kind, and I would like our physical intimacy to progress slowly as I am not yet so comfortable with it and our relationship too hasn't progressed that much. He sometimes listens but till date it never changed his attitude towards the "physical intimacy" topic. This whole aspect hurts me a lot.

I think your instinct, intelligence, and intuition is serving you well with this boyfriend of yours.

It may be worth considering too, that he never seems to mature in the relationship, beyond his needs. That he can still add up the 'no's' the way he does, says to me that this is some sort of competition based on him being right, and you being wrong, in that he should 'win'. If life were only that simple and uncomplicated.

You should not have to explain that you are 'emotional' and need time before making the right decisions for yourself. That is feeding into his continuously going back to square one as you say. As long he thinks you are 'just' being emotional, he will continue to see that as a green light to try harder.

Don't be fooled by him introducing you to his parents, and involving you in his life.Those are all things that should happen anyway. And throwing marriage in there so soon into the relationship, is another 'hook' in my opinion, to indicate that he is serious. And really, it doesn't prove a thing. And if he is saying marriage and long term, with conditions attached before either happens, you giving in, or you holding your ground, should not dictate the outcome he professes to want.

So, he's talking whatever talk he can, but he's not walking the walk if he dismisses your resolve and blows off your concerns, and where is the respect when 'no', really means 'no', and his behaviour seems to interpret that as simply trying harder to get what he wants.

Please be careful, and proceed with caution, set your own standards, and don't compromise. He can either live up to them and accept them, and go from there, or he will give up, and find someone who is a little more gullible, as his history with girlfriends has indicated.

Stay strong.

Dear Jake2008,
You re very right about setting up my standards. He often brings up this particular girlfriend in conversation saying that she is so much after marrying him, but he doesn't want to as they just don't gel and he doesn't respect her, and He is looking up to marry me instead. He has put her number in his blacklist, there is often a call log of 40-50 calls and 40-50 messages a day from her to him asking him to meet him but he ignores them all. And if he does end up picking up her call, they only end up fighting. He says he knew from day 1 that its not going to work with her, and he mentioned it clearly to her that the affair isn't serious, they both agreed on it. He says before every physical advance he reminded her that he won't marry her, and she too suggested an approval to live in the moment, and so they were into sexual relations. He also mentions that they weren]t happy with each other right in the initial phase itself, he was often irritated with her over possessive, obsessive and temperamental behavior. He also had another passing affair when he was flirting with her. The girl later became serious about him and wanted to marry him, which my boyfriend didn't want at all. I came to know about their sexual relations just yesterday. And it has broken me down like anything. It disgusts me to think that he could see a non-compatibility right away, and yet get physical. He told me yesterday, "I want you to know that it was just physical affair, and I was never at all emotional with her." He says the quality he looks in a girl is maturity and understand, which he also says he finds totally missing in this girl. What bothers me is that then why did he go ahead only to satisfy himself physically, even if the girl agreed on not being serious why couldn't he deny her. And now then when the girl became serious he could fight her, ignore her , and take only some calls. N
Now when she's getting engaged,I felt as if he was little disturbed,and he told me about it and I felt as if he took an assurance for me if I love him more, and I am sure about him.He also said,"I have given up everything for You, Now its only YOU that I have." The entire conversation had a gloomy effect on me which I can't comprehend.
This part of his past, I fear, makes me think a little less of him. I did have an image of a more responsible and righteous man. Am I taking it too seriously? I am afraid to be wrong in judging, it on this? I have double question, Would I be wrong to consider this case in the neagtive list for a decision, Would it be okay If his Past DOES matter to me?
Also I have been down today, and hardly talked to him in my usual way. He did ask me about my studies and all, but never cared to ask me if I were upset or feeling low or unwell. I should also mention that he has a habit of becoming cold and neutral often, mostly, except few incidences,he discloses reaction after I directly attack the issue, or show my vulnerability about it to him.
I am sorry for the long replies, I really really appreciate your effort in advising me. Thanks a lot.

Threads merged

I am a 22 year old girl in a long distance relationship with a 26 year old guy, since 4 months now. I have known him since a year through my first cousin. He recently came to see me and my family. I really love him and he says he loves me too and wants to marry me.
He has always been short tempered and moody. Things have never been smooth between us. In fact, I had the roughest phase with him since I told him that I love him. He reacts very fast, and gets cold after that. It then takes me a lot of effort in breaking the ICE literally, then when he sees I am hurt, on the verge of or already in tears, he comes back to console me warmly. His "sorry" melted me down like butter and I got over it, however repeated incidents have kind of scarred me. I am on a 24 hour mission to keep him happy and yet in one or two days something would go wrong with him. Numerous times it is about me saying "No" to sex and that really depresses me.His insensitivity to some of my emotions, and his pessimistic way of taking things, like they always "happen to him", have always bogged me down.Somehow my love for him always convinced me to hold on.
He is my first relationship while I am his 7th.
He has an ex-girlfriend who has been desperately after him to persuade him to get back to her and marry her. He has blacklisted her number, and ends up fighting even if he picked up her call once in a blue moon. However, he often seems disturbed by her and her name often comes up when he argues with me as "the one who loves him the most." I often feel compared to her. I recently learned from him, that he had a "pure physical flick" with her, and no emotional attachment, he never loved her. This makes me feel worse about him that he could USE a girl for physical intimacy, and then compare her feelings to mine. He says he is in love with me, and wants to marry, should not that set our relation apart from his past ones, why should I be compared in any matter with this ex of his.
I was very depressed with this after he informed me about his relations with this girl. I could hardly talk for 3 days but he hardly make efforts to comfort me, in fact he was sometimes rude to me. He then realised after we argued and I sent a message that he should do something, but our discussions were not helping out because he kind of wanted to jump the topic and my depression.
My mom did not like him for me, and when she saw me broken down in those days, she became more firm on her opinion. She wants me to stop talking to him.
She does not like him in terms of his behavior and understanding. He is lower to me in qualification, and belongs to a little different mindset. I see a point in all her reasons.
I have also lost confidence that this could go for lifetime.
However, when I told him that I need time out , he saw the threat to our relationship and started persuading me that he would improve on his behavior and started crying.
I don't know what to do? I do see we have very different to romance and sex, to love also. I do see that his nature is difficult and I am going to have a tough time staying with him. He realizes his mistake but not until I drop a tear, he tells me he loves me, again and again, but I don't feel it in his everyday behavior, I never found him when I needed his emotional support. At the same time, my love for him, my affection, the promise that I made to him, is pulling me back to him. I can't stop caring about him, I am having a hard time staying away from him, he is having a hard time too but even when together I know we don't understand love the same way, I don't approve of his extreme moody behavior and extra-sensitive ego. My parents are not happy about us too.
I don't know if I should give him another chance, if I break up how should I break causing him the LEAST amount of pain? What do I do?

You are in pain and can't be worrying about what sort of pain he will be in.
Yes, you are practically screaming that you have to break up with him. We are just here to agree with YOU.
You think what you feel for him is love, but love is happy and two way. What you feel is some sort of need to have him treat you more tenderly, and you don't feel free until you know why he can't. You may also want to 'save' him, be the one to free him of all his demons and baggage. It never works.

He seems to need to hurt women until they cry and only then can he 'feel' anything. Maybe that's all he saw growing up. He also seems to have a madonna-whore need; woman for sex, woman for marriage. He may need that for the rest of his life. You can't go through life that way. You can care about him and still leave him for your own good.

@Joypulv : I agree with you, that I need to break up, but thoughts of him, memories with him and the way he has imprinted on my daily life is pulling me back from going away. His messages that he loves, I'm very precious to him and his tension , makes me want to comfort him and go back to him. Every day without him is getting heavier, but I also agree with my mom , that this relation won't be a two sided happy one, and the sooner it ends the better, it was cause us lesser pain. I am caught up between two forces, one giving me reasons that this won't , and the other giving me a hope that things would change if I gave it a second try.

You have to consider that he's already gone through 6 other relationships, and more likely than not, those relationships didn't work out, for the same reasons that this is not working out for you.

He is emotionally unable to contribute, in a healthy way, to building upon skills that he should have already learned, to make your relationship with him, a loving one. For each failed relationship, there should have been learning, changes, insight, resolve to understand faults, shortcomings, and accountability, in order not to bring to the next relationship, all the traits that caused the other relationships to fail.

Can you say that he's learned anything, or provided insight to you, that would show he has matured and is capable of admitting where he went wrong, either in his past relationships, or with you directly. Does he ever admit fault for slipping into that place where he becomes moody, judgmental, argumentative, and accusatory toward you. Does he ever apologize for not handling relationship problems by deflecting accountability onto you (or others), and not accepting his responsibility. Is he able to identify specific traits that keep repeating themselves, that always leave you both in the same place, without any mutual agreement or resolve to work on specific problems. Does he acknowlege your feelings, and how his negativity contributes to you continuously having to start over and over again with him, and regardless of what you do, end up in the same place.

Relationships are hard work. If both people possess the traits, desire, and commitment, to make the 'love' part work, and thus build a relationship foundation, and are able to demonstrate, by their actions, the building of that foundation for clear and achieveable goals (ie marriage), then in that situation, with that kind of mutual attitude and desire, there is great hope for success.

But, where the needs of one, always supercede the needs of the other, and the relationship has not yet resulted in even the solidifying of the first layer of concrete on the foundation, you are left filling the cracks, and never reaching the stage where you can finally start building on that foundation. It is too weak, and with only the actions of one, building and being responsible for all the construction, where it should be equally the work of two, not only is progress slow, but the ultimate goal of success seems more and more a daunting task.

A second or third promise by your boyfriend to even pick up a shovel, never happens. There are no breakthroughs, or efforts on his part, to figure out what stops him from turning 'love' into the successful building of a relationship. He does not have mutual goals with you, he has different goals. If he worked for me, I would have fired him, because he's costing me money and eating up profits by not doing his job.

Love happens when two compatible people's needs are met. And when their needs are not met, there is never this foundation, and never enough mutual effort to address any problems. Where one party is willing to work hard to overcome all the problems that arise, and the other remains emotionally unable to reach that point, and/or is unwilling to, then the imbalance in the relationship is such that, the relationship will go nowhere.

Love, falling in love, being in love, maintaining love, is more than a 'feeling' or 'state of mind'. It is only one part of a much, much larger picture. It is only the beginning, the building of the foundation, the starting point.

Sometimes, love, is just not enough.