Assalam-ali-kum

It would be great if anybody on this forum can guide me on this:

I'm an established Medical Surgeon from India and a practicing Sunni Muslim. I got married in January 2010 to a girl from who is an established Doctor and is working independently.

There have been a host of problems right after marriage leading to lot of disharmony in our relationship:
1. My wife has always been feeling that I am after her money and have married her only for her wealth. She never liked the idea of each one of us saving money together for future expenses like children's education etc.
2. She treats me like an insignificant character in her life frequently mentioning that she will give me Qula and I am free to re-marry any other lady I wish. She does not feel bad even a bit when she's talking like this.
3. My in-laws keep quarelling with me and my parents over petty issues.
4. Despite me having arranged for a Cook and maid servant at home, my wife does not take any responsibility of the family and wants to be carefree and frequently quarells with me over meagre issues. She also abuses my parents if they direct her to work.
5. My wife is highly fashionable, cuts her hair very short, despite me objecting to it many number of times.

All of this has led to mental torture to me and now in November 2010 she left my home and went to her parent's home and has been living there ever since.

I can't take this anymore and have decided to give Talaaq to her. But I'm afraid, because "Talaaq is highly undesirable and Allah (swt) has called it the most undesirable act".

Am I correct in arriving at this decision?
Please guide me as I am thoroughly confused.

It sounds as though you two are incompatible.
Was this an arranged marriage? Did you know all of this about her before you married her?

There is in my opinion no point in staying in a marriage when both parties are unhappy. There are no children to see to. End it and move on.

I am like Cat, is this an arranged marriage?

It would sound as if she is not as traditional into the faiths and beleifs of your culture as you are.

In the Western Culture, it is very common for man and wife to have separate bank accounts, I often recommend it, and then one joint for houshold bills

Also as an educated and working independent women, she most likely feels your parents have no right to expect any "work" from her.

You are both professionals, you have household staff, what other "duties" are there for her

I doubt she changed when you got married, so why did you get married ?

Hello All

Thank you for your responses.

1. Yes. This was a completely Arranged Marriage. Her parents met my parents about 2 months before the marriage and fixed it up. This is the regular practice in my country and community.
2. However, I did speak to her before the wedding a couple of times, and she agreed for everything. However, she started talking differently on everything after the wedding. I had no clue about this nature of her's before the wedding.
3. And Yes. We both have separate Accounts. And I had proposed a common Joint Account to save for future expenses like housing, children's education, any medical emergencies etc. She does not like this idea and quarrels over it.

I do not want to divorce her. But I do not see a stable, secure and quarrel-free life ahead for both of us.

Please share with me your thoughts.

Thanks

Nobody has a quarrel free marriage. Its all about give and take, hard times and bad, working to get through whatever life throws at you.

In arranged marriages though, there is little time to get to know each other, or bond together, and the parents who arrange these things seldom have a clue as to what you want, but rather what looks good on paper, and what the culture and traditions require. Not knocking it because it has worked for centuries and still works in many cases, your parents being an example.

Maybe that's what's happening with you, you are still in a period of discovery with each other, and there are still adjustments to be made for it to move forward. If that is indeed the case, I suggest some patience, and some very calm persistence as you both get use to each other, and come to agreements that work for you both.

That does take a lot of communications to co operate. It may be to soon to know what adjustments to make, but for sure it takes you both to make it work. Its no fun arguing and disagreeing though, but to be honest, those are the conflict that should bring you together as resolving issues is an empowering and bonding thing and just feels great to overcome whatever obstacles you face together.

If I were a newly wed in an arranged marriage, I would be building on what we do agree on, and have a great time getting to know the person I was with, and be in no hurry at all to solve every problem I could think of. They can wait until you have bonded, and trust and loyalty has been built.

As I see it, maybe one of you is moving faster than the other and you have forgotten the romance part, for the practical part. Even though this was arrange by others, that's no reason to skip the love part, and enjoy getting to know each other, after all you still have to win her heart, and thats what you focus on.