All right so where to begin. Well I'll start by saying that I'm 24 years old and just recently quit another job just before Christmas. I've done the same thing for the last 3 years, quit my job before Christmas. Usually because of myself not being able to stand my job and the people I work with. I used to be someone who loved going to work and socializing with my coworkers and customers. Now I find myself not being able to get along with too many people at work and outside of work. I'm constantly putting up walls with everyone I meet. I understand you should trust people until proven otherwise but I seem to always jump to conclude that this person doesn't like me, or I don't like them. Especially with authority figures, I usually have to fight my thoughts off all day long about my boss being a douche bag. Yet I know deep down my boss isn't that bad. Its because I have had a ****ty boss or two in my life but now I seem to think they all are. I then usually get my hours cut back because my boss and coworkers sense I don't like them or they don't like me. So after usually working 3 months at a job I end up quitting because I don't have enough energy or will power to keep going.

I have mad money issues. I cannot save a dime if my life depended on it. Going job to job makes this impossible because as soon as I catch up, I lose my job or quit and then Im back at square one. I then start beating myself up over the things Ive done and I struggle to look forward to anything. I have hardly any close friends left now because I keep pushing them away or having to ask for money or things so I can get by. My family is at their last ends with me now because of the things of done and or pain I have caused them because of my situations. I only talk to my mother out of my family and she finds it hard to talk to me most of the time. She always thinks Im calling because I need something. I don't ask her for anything anymore, its been about 7 months now since I last did. She still thinks that time is near ending, which it might. It just sucks that this is how things have turned out for us. We used to be really close when I was younger but like life things do change.

I have come to conclude that I have a socialphobia towards people, I feel I'm not really worth getting to know. Deep down I know I am but I'm constantly reminded by certain thoughts that my conscious keeps telling me. Like "Oh you aren't worth being friends with that person" or "why be friends with that person when you are only going to let them down anyway". Yeah I can stop those thoughts but for how much longer? Then I react to it, and then as soon as I know it I shut that person out and its very hard for me to let go of it. Once my mind is made up, its made up. No one really wants to be around me anymore now because of it. Makes sense, I wouldn't either, I just wish I could figure out the answers but I think I might need physcological help. Being broke all the time makes that difficult for me. Therapists are expensive and I believe the medications out there are a loud of crap. Maybe another trusting issue I have.

I also have image issues, I constantly look in the mirror to see if I still look good or not. People tell me all the time that I'm very attractive. Which makes me feel great at the time but I can never seem to believe it myself. I think about it a lot, especially before I go out in public, I need to look good or else I feel gross. Then when Im out in public I'm constantly wondering, I wonder if they are thinking I look good or ugly. Its just a huge waste of time. When I keep myself busy I don't do it, but as soon as I find myself being lazy, Ill subconsciously do it and then before I know it Im feeling self conscious as Im walking out my apartment door. I just wish it would all end and I could just be content with myself and the way I look. Maybe this is payback for when I was younger and I used to pick on kids. I believe in Karma so it would make sense. I really have no answers at this point. As soon as I believe Im good looking or a good person, there's one little thing that could happen and I start doubting it. It's the circle of my life.


To be honest I don't think I can deal with these issues anymore, and being homeless maybe my only option as I won't find it worth while doing this much longer. I have come to dislike society which I would like to counteract asap. Its not the way I want to be in life. I have thought of suicide but have never acted on it. Its been a reoccurring thought through out my life. I do remember thinking about it at a very young age when my siblings sort of figured out I was gay. I was smart enough then to trick them back into believing I wasn't. I hid the fact until I was 19 years old. Hiding someone your not for many years is probably the trunk to all the other issues I have. Any help would be appreciated ! I'm not about to give up but I would love to have a smile on my face that isn't fake. Life is beautiful I just wish I could see that again. So my questions would have to be what should I do from here on ? How can I get my life back ? Would I need medical attention from a therapist? Any advice would be great at this point :)

PS My bad for the bad grammar never was my strength. I can draw like no mans business ! Perfectionist in the house. Anyway lol

Thank you !

I wonder if the anger, resentment, and picking on younger kids that developed early in your life stemmed from confusion and the feeling that you had to hide who you are. I don't think you need a therapist but I do think you need therapy in the form of a free support group, possibly a group for gays. I'm not saying that gay defines a person at all but it's a good place to find people who went through similar situations. You have other problems but you seem to at least know what they are and are able to articulate them, which is the first big leap.
The narcissism of having to look good and thinking the whole world cares is also a subject you need to find out the origin of. Think back to when and why it may have started, when you got the idea that looks mattered more than being friendly and interested in people.
STOP mooching. That adds to your resentment. Why? Because you know damn well you should pay it back and yet don't, further kicking yourself into hating them, hating yourself. If you have to live on the streets for a year or two do so. It's possible to live very cheaply without giving up a roof over your head. Shared apartments, spend NO money except on groceries.
Wishing at times that you could end it all rather than being actively suicidal is VERY common; people keep it to themselves a lot. I know even 'happy' teens and young twenties who have such thoughts. They aren't really happy of course, most teens are in some degree of misery and angst. I say happiness isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it seems to mean something shallow about a person. But I do know happy people who aren't shallow, so I'm just thinking of all the ones who go plodding along the usual life path as though that's it. Happy because their Christmas shopping is done and their lawn has no weeds.

Maybe you can use your dark thoughts for good philosophical reflection and even contribute to the pool of art, music, literature. Even comedy of course.

hey, I don't know if this will be of any help but if it is then ill be glad (: I've never heard of this site beforre and I just found it so I'm not very good at this sort of thing lol, anyway here's my opinion; I believe that maybe something went wrong somewhere down the line.. I mean you said u used to be friendly and sociable and have fun, then why not now? Was there a dramatic event or happening that caused a change within your lifestyle? And if so then maybe you need to look further into that..
if not however maybe you could have put up an emotional barrier subconciously over time without realising, and this is why you find it difficult to socialize now, I believe that if this is the case then u need to start going to parties or to clubs with a few friends and having a laugh, it's a great way to meet new people and have fun. (:

Now to end my long boring awnser ill finish with your whole appearance thing with some advice.. don't shower for a whole week, don't wash your hair or anything (though I recommend washing at a sink to avoid deadly body odour) wear your fav jeans or joggers or something with an old cormfortable top and go about your life as normal... it'll be hard but who cares, pople might look at you weird but you can look at them and think "you might think i look bad but i really dont care, im happy with myself the way i am so **** you" lol x then afterward when your showered and clean and looking great you'll feel better and won't be so 'paranoid'x hope this has helped lol (: if not then sorry I couldn't do more.

p.s - sorry if there's random x's here and there, old habits die hard lol (:

I've just thought of something else to, you said in your question that you hid your sexuality for a long time, maybe this is also a source of the problem and you are subconciously afraid people will misjudge you or start taking the piss, which in today's society is very unlikely because most people have grown to be understanding and non-judgmental, if not then to hell with them lol.

As for your money circumstance I have a few suggestion;
1)DO NOT buy any more clothes than u need, it's a waste of money lol ever seen goks fashion fix (its a TV programme) they create capsule wardrobes of just 12 items and there's so much variety you'd think it was a completely different outfit each time (:
2) sell things on eBay and charge postal packaginf - it's a great way to get quick money and you can sell things for a really high price.
3) don't buy expensive food, and if its only yourself you only really need to buy one loaf of bread one bottle of milk butter a sandwich filler a box of cereal and pasta/rice with different sauces x

as for the jobs, just look for something you really enjoy if its art then you could paint or draw things and take them to restaurants, try and persuade them to exhibit them on their walls, sell them online or even in galleries, don't be afraid of rejection though just brush it ooff and give them that look that means "your below me, die b*tch". If its photography you could do the same and writing you could start an online blod or something. Just find something you enjoy and suit your career round that.

Hey buddy I can I relate with you 100%. Pretty much everything you said I have been through, even hiding the fact I'm gay and coming out at 19 years old. We are like identical twins from another mother (doesn't make sense) but still lol. I was in awww reading your post. I was like this is me and it scared the out of me but it also gave me hope, because I'm not the only one.

I'm in the process of figuring out what's going on with me too. I found this article today that I think is the key to most of our problems.

Here's the link. We are a lot a lot a like so I'm assuming you won't want to read anything someone suggest you to read. This one you should look at though, it would be in your best interest.

http://www.essentialpathways.com/limiting-beliefs-retained-emotions-transformation-of-consciousness

I hope all is well and you are already on a better life path :)


Here's my email [email protected]. Email me if you would like too!

Peace and love

Brandon

Hi Brandon - welcome to the site. But this post is over 2 years old, so I don't think the asker is still subscribed to answers. Also you may not put emails here, and it's not wise anyway, for your protection.