Our marriage broke up because of rowing , me not him, he would not try to make anything better, but he went to counseling asked me to go with him, now when we are to try he has hardened so much toward me won't communicate and is been cold and hurtfull.. why, what do I do , walk away.

You broke up because of "rowing?" Please clarify.

How long have you been in counseling and are you still going?

We have been going to counseling 3 weeks he went once on his own, we were rowing for years over the one thing him working with his family for little or no money , during summer for a few months every year, but this last going on 2 years he is working all the time for long hours and little money, he will do nothing for us unless he is not needed else where , I know I over reacted and did nothing but row row, he would not row back ,just did nothing to put anything right , he stopped trying I was getting more an more upset, he will not try to change but I was 100 time trying even to the extent asking the counselor how I could stop being so angry with the way he is , he is a lovely lovely man, he was so upset, and down ,but now that he knows I want us together and that he is my one and only love ,he is not try to communicate he is not loving he is just hurtful , he is talking down to me in front of our 2 eldest he is just doing what I ask and no more , why when he was the one who wanted to go to counseling,

Give the counseling a chance. 3 weeks is not a long time.

He isint even bothering not about our kids eather , the more I give , the cooler he is, I think I should just end it ,as he is just so uncareing,

3 weeks , and the counceler told him, that he had to see the bigger pitcher then blaming me for it all , he won't he just blames me for everything , so it seemed easer to take the blame ,I thought we were making better, but no he has become colder and

Do not answer in the comment box. You have more space.
It sounds as if you have given up as well.
Three weeks into counseling can bring about a lot of hurt and anger.
Give this some more time.

Definitely give the counseling more time. It is not uncommon for it to be very difficult at first when couples both start sharing their concerns and what upsets them. Both are focused on getting heard and finally opening up about what they have been feeling. This time can be quite full of anger, frustration, and confusion.

The counselor will likely just let you both talk for awhile and get things out. Then maybe point out a different way of viewing things, how to compromise when possible, and give you suggestions how on to communicate better. They will ask questions and try and help you both really listen to what the other has to say.

Think of it this way... the arguing has been going on for a long time, changing that won't happen quickly. It will take some time to try and work things out.

You broke up because of "rowing?" Please clarify.

I think that means fighting.

You sound like two petulant kids with all that arguing and frustration, and anger like you're begging for attention, and not getting it.

How old are you both?

How long have you been married? How many kids?

Was it always like this?

If not WHEN did it start, (when he started working for his family I suspect)?

Is that his only job?

Do you work?

How long did you know each other before you got married, or pregnant?

Whatever you do stick to the counseling no matter what!! It may/will take longer than 3 weeks to get you both to see a better way to talk, and listen, and set some real boundaries for the way you disagree, or vent your frustrations to each other.

I would love to interview your kids, I am sure they would love to tell you both to shut up. By now you should have both come to the conclusion that arguing is not solving a darn thing and you both have to work together to learn how to talk, and listen. That takes a lot longer than 3 freakin'' weeks, it may take YEARS, so buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

Comment on talaniman's post

I 45,he 50 4 kids, new 4 years before marriage, was not pregnant, married 17 years, he used to help out a few months of year now its all year for LITTLE pay , it causes rows with me, not him , its not violent he a gentle man ,I have own business,

Comment on J_9's post

No, me rowing , he won't row, no violence or abuse only me giving off constantly,

Comment on DoulaLC's post

Thanks will do , but he thinks its all me , I no I have a lot to do with it but he won't change he says he doing nothing wrong, its like banging my head against a wall,

Comment on Homegirl 50's post

Thanks, I do feel that if he won't but the effort into it what's the point,

Could he being getting ready to take on the family business?? Give the guy some space, stop "rowing" and going off, and relinquish some control, boss lady, and your house will be quiet, and maybe he will have nothing to blame on you.

I think he is retaliating against you for going off so much. I would too, I think, just to get some measure of dignity, and self respect. Self defense as I see it!

Try not "rowing" for a month and see if there is a marked difference in his attitude and behavior, and let him do his thang for himself, while he can. He ain't no spring chicken any more.

Which one of you is going thru the change in life crisis? That's what it sounds like, and can you being going through it together? YIKES?? It too will pass if you let it, so remember, for you, MUMS THE WORD!!!! SHHHHHHH!!

Comment on J_9's post

no,, me rowing , he wont row, no violence or abuse only me giving off constantly,,


Row what a boat? Do you mean arguing?

"rowing", in Texas it means pitching a b1tch.

"giving off" in Texas it means pitching a b1tch.

Comment on J_9's post

Yes sorry thought , every body had a row , but yes

Comment on talaniman's post

Can't get you . No its not a famly biss ,its his brothers, I agree about retaliating, but why , and he IS DOING HIS THING that is it, he works 24,7 for buttos, while I work, look after home kids bills etc etc, he does pay car insue, oil, coal, b

Are you in Texas, well in ireland it means argueing, and I not going through the change, but he just turned 50 , and what do you mean , mums the word,

and what do you mean , mums the word,

Try not "rowing", or "giving off" for a month, no matter what. It takes two to argue, and see if it makes a difference. Where did he work before, and for how long? Why did he leave?

Is this all about finances?

Please use the Answer Box at the bottom of the page to respond to the thread instead of using the Comment box. It gives you more room to respond without worrying about running out of space. Thank you.

Communicating is more than vocalizing your needs and desires. It is encouraging and listening to the other person explain what he/she needs. Rowing/arguing/fighting/whatever term is used does not promote healthy a healthy dialog or working together on a compromise.

From what you have described, I am not certain if you have ever truly paid attention to what he has tried to say. Have you?

Quite frankly, I have noticed that those who want to give up on counseling after only three weeks are usually starting to see things in themselves that they don't want to recognize. Also, they tend to want to skip over all the hard work that learning to communicate and compromise entails. This is one of the many things in Life that one get's out what one puts in (in some cases, the return is even greater than the investment, but it takes a very long time to see it.)

Keep going for yourself even if he doesn't go. Learn how you can better commincate with him and put those lessons into practice. If you make changes for the better (for example: learning how to talk instead of 'row'), it will affect those around you.

Cat... I am the one who is going he was going to stop after the 2nd time we went togeather as he thought it was bullying him , heshe the counceler told him that if he was not going to even try then she would or could not work, it was me who asked him to keep going and it was me who rang the counceler and asked her if we could continue, I have told him I would stop rowing and try 100 percent and I am willing to put my all into it , but if he won't change , that is what I meant what is it all for , I am so despret to get my family back if it meant I had to change, but how can I do it all, I no you think I am the one but its not, I have a man that is so good harted but when it comes to working on his brothers farm he forgets he has a family to the extent he will,, as he has said, work 24 hours 7 days a week and if he gets 2 days money then that suits him life is to short,, now what about his kids his wife his house his resposability to us, I have worked all my life I have not ever asked him for anything that I have not paid for , evey debt we have is in my name , as he never stick long anough in any thing as it would interfer with his time spent on the farm , he is as the counceler sead, not seeing the bigger picture , I have the best man in the world but when he is there he isint anywere else,,

No its not all about money it's a big issue , its about him being there, he isint there emotionly of financiely. He just won't do anything around ouside our house , we have bult it now 14 years my street was like we just moved in, the house was never painted outside ,I had a leek under the dishwasher that was tripping the fuses and he never bothered, he used to be very proud of his work and took pride in his house but it became that he never bothered there eather, it ate up time he could be in the farm , it sounds as if he couldint love me, dosint it, but when that ever came up he would never say that he didn't , he loves me despretly and there is and never be any other woman for him and I no and feel it too , but then why can't he put me and his kids first , that's why I aked him to leave as our children who are 16 13 10 and 3, are feeling it and our eldest has told him he is wronge as she has seen the way he is, he is not bothering about the 2 eldest as they see he is not putting any effort into us, he has never had a long job in the middle of our marriage he worked in a job fot year and half the longist , he is very handy he can do anything , tilling he is a pipe fitter by trade, he is the hardest worker, but he leaves making the money to me ,

I get that you are tired and desperate. You see your family falling apart and your husband does not seem to care. I think this job may be his way of escape. He does not have any responsibilities and he does not have to deal with you are the family.
Stop arguing with him, continue the counseling for you.
He will either want to get himself together or he won't but in the meantime, you will be in a better frame of mind.

You haven't answered my question about his employment history and how he got to working on a farm.

This is about finances isn't it, and you resent the changes he has made for himself. Why did he make them?

This whole thing has been about you and your misery, but we need to understand him, to help you.

Thanks ,

Will answer your questions like i did, on the bottom, grid ok,

talaniman, I thought I did, my husband has not made any changes to his life at all ,yes I do resent the fact that after 17 years of marriage he thinks it OK to work, as the counceler told him, at his hobby full time , I resent the fact that I run a busy shop I look after 4 children I work 20 miles away from my home , he works 2 minits and I have to come home from work to lift them from the baby sitter who lives half a mile up the road, I resent the fact that I pay all the household bills he take every penny he makes to look after himself , his lunch,I and his petrol. Now he sholdint have to pay for lunch or petrol .he gets his food at his brothers and petrol he could walk faster there , so yes I do feel resentfull, he has not made any changes he has just got more work to do as his brother has made chages, he has started building sheds and its my hubby doing it all for him, AND MY MISSERY AS YOU SAID is because I am on my own weather he is here or not, I have never asked him to stop working there as I love the fact that he is doing what he enjoys , all I want is to be treated fairly and no I am not misserable I am happy but I can't go on doing it all, maybe it is me who has changed and realise that when your husband marrys and has 4 kids he should take some of the responsibility, so please don't think it is a poor man who has no piece , it has been going on 17 years our only row, is about this but since last year it has come to a head as he is just taken it and us for granted, what happens if I could not work, he is making no money to feed us never mind our kid education, money is a issue but it takes TWO people in a marriage to contrbute,and I have tried talking I have tried EVERY THING to understand his love for the farming but every inch I give he takes a mile,

He is doing what he has been allowed to do all of theses years and you are now fed up.
Continue the counseling. It will help you deal with the frustration and anger you feel.
I wish you well.

Thanks homegirl . And taliman if you wernt so judgementle you whould see the full picture, and I have answered all your questions and have been honest, I talk I have talked for 17 yers and this is were it has me, so there you are, so what you are saying is, its OK for a 50 year old man to work for peanuts as long as he is happy its OK to work at his hobby even if its 24 ,7, its OK to burry his head from any resbonsability. And its certainly OK to get the wife to go with him to counceling but only if the councler tells him that he is so rite and the wife should shut up and put up, but its OK for him to jack it all in if the counceler tells him the oppasit and that he has to change, and its OK if he hurts his kids and wife all because he wants his own way, yes I am a boss and yes I know what is rite and what is wronge so give me some credit for knowing when anough ia anough , I felt like packing it in but no I went anyway, and I told my husband today , its over , and guess what , it felt good to say it, I will keep going to counceling FOR ME to sort out any issues I have , which is how to deal with horrable people..

Sorry if I kept misunderstanding you. Must be a translation problem somewhere but glad you took the right actions for yourself.

Good luck!

Thank you

I wish you well brigde. It is unfortunate that your husband has not able to see, or has ignored, what his decision to not be more involved with your family has led to. Sometimes it takes the thought of actually losing what you have to make you see what should be obvious.

Hopefully that will be the case for him and he will begin to work with you to improve things. After so many years it would take time to change things around, and it would likely be small steps, but at least it would be a start. Fingers crossed for you!

Thank you .

brigde does not find this helpful : you didn't give a answer you asked me to answer you questions I did and , NOTHING

I am not your husband, and will not be "rowed" at because you are upset. You found your solution, live with it, because though you answered my questions, we don't seem to understand each other very well. Its you who chose to just give up on your marriage, not me, so don't think you will vent your feelings on me like I suspect you have done with your husband for the last two years.

Sorry I can't tell you what you want to hear, but I think you are too emotional at this time to listen to anything I have to say. The others have also given you some great insight, listen to them. I think you are going through the female change at this time, and the only one to know for sure is a doctor, see one, if nothing else, you can eliminate that from the mix. Whatever events in your life that are making you act the way you are, I hope you solve it.

Sorry had a bottle of wine in me, thanks

If a bottle of wine does that then throw away the bottle!!

Will you stop picking on me I just answering your questions , that YOU asked me to answer, I probely was cheeky in the last reply, I am a bit off men ,ha ha sorry again, and I don't have a drink problem, before you start thinking that,

Hi there a update on us I ended it after xmas as I felt he was not trying at all, we went to councling ,and I just told felt he was waisting his time as he still insists he will not need to change as it was all my fault, so I walked told the councler she was wasting her time, I made a appointment for myself,he didn't go back for 2 weeks, he was very angry SO ANGRY , so there during the week he told the wains he would go back if I asked him to, I have not had any contact with him for the 2 weeks , only replyed if he text about the wains, so I text hime told him the time and day, he came , still refusing to change , he looks awfull feels so upset and wants it to sort it out, without hom doing a thing or even try, the counceler told him if he won't try and leaves it all to me then we should consider being apart, he was upset and I think a bit shocked as I had sead that I would not go back no mater to the way it was and that I am much clearer and stronger and happier then I was last year, and that yes maybe it was best to stay apart, when we left , I asked was he OK, he asked me to go for a drink with him, the first time in 5 months I seen my real man emerge, we went and had a drink , we got on so well , talked not all about us , but between we told each other how we got through it and it didn't become uneasy or negative, I am scared now ,he will hurt me again, or start playing games , as he did at xmas, I left and said we will talk soon, I was strong, and in control of my emotions, and, I felt more confidint then I did for a long long , time, BUT STILL UNSURE OF HIM AND SCARED TO LET HIM IN AGAIN,

This could be the beginning of something positive either way. Stick to your plan. Don't go back to the same thing.
Thanks for the update, keep us posted.
I wish you well.

You seem to have talked and talked but I think it's time he actually showed some action. I would tell him that you still love him but that you also need to know that you can rely on him and that he has to show you that you can by his actions.

If he really wants to change then he should be prepared to start working on that before you let him back into your life with open arms or there's not really much chance he will do so after.

I really hope he will make the effort and either way I wish you every happiness.

Believe it, or not, this is the face of progress. You have got him thinking, and that's the whole point to dealing with the issues.

Great move going to counseling yourself, when he didn't want to. Keep that up for yourself, and continue to grow, no matter what he does, or how long it takes him to do it. What he does is no longer your problem, its his, and let him have it. But do for yourself, and you will be able to deal with things from a position of strength, and take no crap from anyone, not even him.

I also have to thank you for keeping us updated on your progress, and growth. Many of us who care are heartened by your actions, and love the fact that you have taken a very active plan to improve your situation the right way.

Please keep us updated, and have patience through your journey, as I see nothing but success, and happiness for you down the road. Its not an easy road, but I think you are a tough lady.

Good to hear some progress has been made... for you in your self-esteem and confidence, for him in waking up a bit that things can not continue as they were.

As the others have said, take your time and remain steadfast with how you need things to change. Old ways of behaviour take time to change, but it seems there is perhaps a start.

You might consider just "dating" for awhile and see how things progress. Continue remaining strong and making sure he is well aware that if there is to be a new relationship, it will be very different from the old one. Time will tell if you might want to give it another go or move on with your new independence.

We are as far back now again, we went for a walk the last night , it was lovely nothing just arm in arm we talked, he still says he is not going to change, but he apologised for christmas and said he was never be like that again,, we were at the counceling today he keeps stressing he has nothing to change, I have said its 50, 50 or no going back , we went for something to eat after , it was good he was so much more approchable this last week or so , then we went for a drink we played a game of darts a game of pool. And then he became down, and said he will not allow himself to be optomistic as he won't get hurt again, he was argumentive and cold, I know he had a few drinks in him , but he sail that he was not going to change, take it or leave it, so I told him I would leave it,, he had said earlier that the ball was in my court, but there is nothing else I can do , he is again, like christmass , me opening up and letting him in ,and he just takes full advantage and becomes the dictater, is there any way he will ever realise that he was wronge allso. No me getteng the blame over and over again, I am tired of him, giving crumbs and exspecting the big loaf, sorry it's the only way I can discrib it, so so disapointed, with his whole attatude, if this is his love now, its heartbreaking, and the counceler says, he idolises me , oh yea to the exstent he is pushing me so far away, maybe he does not love me and can't tell me ,even though I have told him if he dosunt care or love me anough its better to leave things as they are , what now..

Comment on QLP's post

No we havint, I have talked and he says there is no changing him its me who has to change , that is what's killing us he won't admit tohimself he was wronge, I have tried to explaine that we can't go back as if cercom stances are the same nothig chag

Comment on DoulaLC's post

He fell back to sleep , bigtime, there is going to be no change on his part , so maybe I have no choice , there is no compramise with him , his way or no way it looks like,

Comment on Homegirl 50's post

Not going back, its is and was a never ending circle for 17 years, he doesint want us bad anough to want to change ,so not much love there, thanks

Sorry to hear it. I would tell him that it is unfortunate that he doesn't realize that a marriage takes both people working together, and that it sometimes means compromising.

Decide what you need and want from him and the relationship, then decide if he is able to fulfill at least most of those things.

Perhaps you have outgrown how the relationship started, while he is still content to keep it as it has been. You want a partnership, where you feel your opinions, feelings, and thoughts count and where you both take into account the needs of the other person. Tell him what you need and want and that now the ball is in his court.

If he wants to remain married and is willing to work together to make things better, great. If he isn't willing to put forth some effort on a regular basis (even small steps count), then you may have to make a tough decision.

Sometimes being separated for a time (doesn't have to be divorce) can help both people discover what really matters to them and whether the relationship means enough to them at this point to work at it.

Look for little ways where he does make an effort... it may not be as grand as you would like, or as fast as you would like, but try not to overlook any small steps that show he really does want things to work.

You have had time to think about all of this, he may just be really seeing how serious you are for the first time and needs to catch up a bit, while still saving face.

Only you can tell whether it you see any effort and will it be enough to keep you in the marriage.

Bluntness that will come off as harsh

I just want to point out that I think you missed the small concessions he made by his apology, by the stubbornness that followed. You seem to think change is something that will come with a few conversations, or one pleasant evening. It won't, seldom has, and not with a couple of tipsy adults.

Learn when to back of,f why don't you, and take smaller bites of the problem, chew it, and let it go down, instead of trying to gulp the whole thing in one bite. That's what you are choking on now. Too much, too fast, crash and burn! Instead of getting all wrapped up in YOUR feelings of the moment, and pay attention, you would have taken him home, and had monkey sex while it was hot, and let the warm fuzzies engulf you.

Change is a process, and not an event, and if you see this as changing flour, to cake then you would recognize the important thing is not to throw things together, but take each step, mix things just right, and progress. To the final stage. You can't even get the ingredients in the bowl, before you stick it in the oven to bake.

Get over your feelings, and stop being carried away by your disappointment, that you didn't get all you want after one lousy date. Your supposed to enjoy it, and plan another, and not just quit because it got screwed up by the one extra glass of wine, or whatever you were drinking. Not just you, both of you! And don't try to tell me he was drinking, and you were NOT!!

The idea that he won't change, and you won't unless he does, is absolutely absurd! If you wanted to change you would do it whether he does or not! No wonder there is such a disconnect because neither of you knows how to drive the car. And you fight over who is better.

I may not know either of you, but I recognize kids competing for the top spot, who don't know how to take turns through proper communicating, because neither has any skills at talking, and listening, because you both are to stubborn to give an inch. Or there is something preventing you both from working together, that's a HUGE factor that you have not bothered to mention.

I don't know, but I can smell it. Is it IMPATIENCE? DENIAL?? UNRESOLVED RESENTMENTS!!

All the above, and then some??

It could take years to unravel your mess and have a resolution, and one freaking day ain't NOTHING!! Either you are in it for the long run, or you ain't.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.
Yep... 17 years of the same dance steps won't change quickly. Too often the small attempts are overlooked.

Bridge,

He isn't trying to change when he continues to make statement that it isn't his fault and he doesn't need to change. I would simply explain to him that as soon as he gets off his high horse and realizes it takes two to keep a marriage together or break it up!!

You need to continue with your counseling. It gives you a place to go and talk things through without argument!! Also keep in mind that unless he is willing to go forward by acknowledging his part in the down fall of your marriage that you are not going to allow the back and forth stuff.

You have to worry about yourself and your children. Im sure they don't want to hear all the verbal yelling and bickering between you.

Stick to your guns, I wish you the best--take care

Thank you compromising he won't do, I have asked him to meet me half way ,NO, HE Won't, I know he said sorry for xmas , but he has done very little else. I not looking for grand just what I said, to be treated fairly, and I am still at counceling ,

Then you are doing what you can do. Acknowledge any attempts, however small, on his part to make an effort if/when he may show any. Continue the counseling for yourself to continue moving forward with regaining your sense of self and well-being. Focus on your kids, spend time with family and friends.

At some point you may have to decide when enough is enough if things don't show improvement with your efforts.
He may come round when if he realizes what it will mean to his marriage and family, he may not.

TALANIMAN, thank you for your bluntness, but first let me tell you NO I did not and did not have any intention of having sex, second , NO I was not tipsy,drunk or even merry , he was tipsy because he is not a regular drinker, we EAT, PLAYED POOL AND DARTS , not gulping drink, we were drinking larger me half he pints, there was no too much crash and burn, there was NO arguments I DID NOT ROAR SHOUT , I am still at counceling EVERY WEEK, he says he is only there for me and this week he is not going, I AM , I have told him that weather he changes OR NOT I am, and I was delighted were went for a walk yes a simple walk , then we went home to our 4 kids I made TEA , NOT WINE, and he played hide and seek with our younger wains, we huged good night , or first in 5 months, so was that to rushed, and HE has said he won't change over and over again, I said it is the sercomstances that has to change or there is no going back, as in there is no future for us unless we BOTH change , I never said I won't change I am and I have and I am continuly changing , but unless he makes the effort NOTHING CHANGES , WITH OR WITHOUT HIM I AM CONTINULY GOING TO SEE THE COUNCELER, I have talked NEVER IN THE 5 ,6 MONTHS HAVE I HAD ARGUMENT WITH HIM he has tried to get many started. Talking is what I do until I was pushed into a corner by him before he went it was my last straw, and believe me I never want to go back there, I am NOT stuborn when it comes to my marriage , I have done every thing in my power to get us on track with COMUNICATION, my husband is so so sure in his mind that he is in NO way wronge , and he insistes he WILL NOT CHANGE he says he loves me so so much but that it is my fault and that's that , yes I argued with him for 3 months for him to take some responsabilty, I was at the end of the rope , and if you new me YES I CAN BE THE Business WOMAN , but I am allso a mum and a wife and every thing was left to me and no it is not me being stuborn ,it is me looking for my husband to be FAIR , I don't want a big house, car money, I WNT SOME ONE WHO TAKES some RESPONSABILTY, were is that me being childish, and yes I have PATIENCE, AND YES I AM TRYING SO HARD NOT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL, but as the counceler told him he has to stop sitting back and do nothing, he is acting like he has the devine right to say and do WHATEVER SUITS HIM AND no that's no it he wants it he puts the evert in TO , I have told him let the past go and start new beginnings, but he won't be anyway happy until he has me were he wants me , and him having his way over EVERY THING, AND DENIAL I HAVE DENIED NOTHING I HAVE BEEN HONEST AND TRUE I have nothing to hide I fauhgt with my husband right or wronge and for every bad word to him I have apologise , he has denide any way form or shape he was wronge , until christmass, and I said then by him doing that he was changing, so yes I do give credit were due, but if you broke a finger tonight, it would be my fault,in his eyes, and I make him laugh and he laughs outloud at me I don't take myself serously, and I don't expect every thing now , but I do expect to be treated fairly,, so sorry this is long but no were are not mad drinkers we know it is going to take time and yes I take every little thing he does good and cherish it , and I love hime just as much as he loves me but it is so frustrating when he acts like a huffy child after so much good was acheaved, its soul destroying when I see him so negative when he could have so much with effort, so don't think I hold any resentment as I don't , but I do get annoyed when a man says he wants something and won't lift a finger unless I make the first effort, and I think too much of myself to just have [MONKEY SEX never heard that one before.] its not about missing the sex , its about coming this far and putting the time into getting it right,

Thank you I do all you say I have good family and friends I work I don't go out at night , because I do have 4 kids who we both love so much, but I do think anough is coming very closs as its to hurting to let him into my heart , just for him to trass it

Thank u, yes I have said it will only work if two puts the effort in, but n.o he says its up to me , then I think he can't want it anough,I am still at counclin.and will continu, and there is no arguing now as I won't go there,I don't think he cares anth

Sorry don't no what the error means.. I don't over look anything small he just hasint done much only say he is not going to change and the thing he has done I apprecate, and it works both ways sometimes and that is a no no,

You know your situation better than we do and you know your husband.
If you have taken all you can and if he is not willing to try, then you do what you need to do. Keep up with your counseling for you.
He may one day come to a realization of what went wrong or he may never do it, but you don't have to hang around and wait when he tells you he's not going to change.
I wish you well.

Threads merged

Hi there I wrote before about my separation, we are now apart 6 months we are going to counceling ,and we are a wee bit better , I have got so much out of it, he still is so so so determined he is right and has nothing to take responsabillity for, I now wonder was I so so so wronge to expect him to what I expected from a husband and that he had the right to no what I expected him to no, it is hard to write down what I mean , but I thought I was right and he was wronge but now I realise he was wrong and I was worse to expect him to do the right thing in my mind, I was handeling things so so bad, that I was driving him away , and now I realised I was egnoring him so much and if not egnoring him by being on my laptop of watching the soaps , I was rowing ha ha I mean fighting with him, some of yous didn't no what I meant rowing,, but he is so so scared to break down his wall now , and he is so down and sad , I am so so so so sorry I hurt him by my words , I love him and he loves me and we are trying to make it work , but for every step forward there is 2 steps back, but he is worth every step , and this has been the hardest lesson I have ever in my life learnt , that I was right and he was wronge , in my mind , and NO I was not totally wronge , but I was so so wrong in my behavior and way of dealing with all our troubles, I roared fought, and just pushed him further and further away, and now it is just awfull to see my big strong man hurt so much he is scared to let a brick fall from the wall that protects him , I have got him back in patchis but it goes right back when he is not with me, how can I get him back , how can I trust him to see me they way he did , he is there behind the wall and I just can reach him sometimes, how do I get him to trust me again, I have wrote this from my heart so I can't make sense to explane it properly,

While it is admirable for you to realise and understand your part in the relationship and how it came to be where it is, he still needs to take responsibility for his involvement, or lack there of.

Only you know if you went over the top with how you handled your frustration and anger, but he still needs to be able to make the attempt at setting things right as well.

Good to hear the counseling is beneficial to you. It sounds like it took a long time to get where you both are, it will take time to get where you want to be.

Keep going, stay focused on what is important, as he sees more and more the effort you are making to setting things right, hopefully that will enable him to be more willing to let his guard down and do more of the same.

Fingers crossed!

Thank you doulalc, he is still not seeing how he was wronge ,but he is opening up bit by bit, and I hope I don't sound like I am giving in, but I can see more of how he is protecting himself, I was in a very very bad place ,and he was egnoring it as he didn't want to see it as he has always relied on me to be the strong one , and I don't want to be anymore , I am tired of it , he does need to take half of it of me and I need to let go of it as I have been the responsible one for so long it was and is hard , I want so much to change and be less forcefull and indapendent , I am trying and I do believe he is to, in smaller ways as he really believes he did no wronge , but there is no going back to how it was, thnk you,

Time and love will bring his walls down. I think YOU are coming along nicely though. But then I have faith in YOU.

Thanks to you.s,

Update.. we went swimming today with kidds , he was up this morning , so full of life, he is coming back SLOWLY , me and kidds of to family for a night, he is slowly, slowly, coming back, though he knows I want fairness, but,

Communication, understanding, acceptance, and patience...

Patience is something I will have to learn m SLOWLY. THANKS,

Well hallo , my up date is, he will never want to take any responsibility or feel any wronge in our breakup; we were , dating. For a while and it was only when I made the efert , and he was lovely , as long as I took all the control for making the date , paying, and talking, he is just the same , he never once asked about ,how we were maneging ,coping, etc , still hasint given ANY THING without me asking , just the same as when we were togeather , his brother has sold the farm that he PUT ME HIS CHILDREN AND AR Marriage,first for, and now I don't know what he is going to do , but before I found out, I told him to leave the house as he was being insulting, I wrote him a note saying, there is no going back , until , HE GETS BACK TO COUNCELING, HE TAKES SOME Responsibility FOR HIS FOUR CHILDREN , AND HE STARTS BEING FAIR, NO MORE NO LESS, nothing since he told the kids its up to me,. so that's it , I have decided to close the door get on with my life and do it as I can without him, nothing has changed since we split, I still do it all any way , I am still counceling , and still looking to get myself over this awfull time.. but why do I worry still what will happpen to him,

Knowing that you need to do what is best for you and your children does not mean that you don't still care about him. He has been a very big part of your life for a long time. He is the father of children. Those feelings don't go away easily or quickly.

I am glad you are continuing counseling. I hope all goes well for you.

Cat1864 is right, I have nothing more to add.

Thank you and for all the help,

Thanks ,

When you have done your level best, and its still not working, it is time to get another plan, without them. You did what you had to, not easyIi know that, but I wish you the best, and think it will work out right for you.

Most good choices start by just doing it.

Thank you for all your help, and yes I do believe it will work out better for us, anything is better, thanks again,