I think I'm in love with my exboyfriend. I can't stop thinking about him, never really could. I blocked most of my thoughts out.
I just recently met a good guy, decent, cute, and kind. I thought I had moved on, but I think that I may have misinterprutted what I thought and just covered it up, so I could be happy. I get like this whenever he talks to me... and trust me, this isn't the first time he's tried to "Be friends" they always lead to disaster. But in the back of my mind I can't stop thinking about everything we went through together.
It wasn't a very healthy relationship. We fought a lot, but at the end of the day I always meant it when I said I loved him.
You see, we dated for a few months. He and I were practically opposities, we fought a lot. Starting from month two and on. About half way through the relationship he told his "best friend" he was in love with her. I broke up with him so, he could be happy and be with her. He turned down this opportunity and came back. It took him weeks to convince me to take him back... and I stupidly, did. We had a huge fight and he decided he wanted a "break"
We didn't talk for a few days, I got my friend to take me to his house and surprise him so we could talk it out. When I left he was telling me how much he loved and missed me. The next day, he wouldn't answer my calls or my texts. So, she came and took me back to his house and he said he just needed time. So, I didn't talk to him for a week.
I called him up, again a week later. I had done a lot of growing up by this point, I needed to. He and I talked for a few hours and all he could say was "Why couldn't you have been like this while we were dating?" to which, I responded, "I was too depressed all the time to notice that I was slowly pushing everything out...not anymore."
The next day my friend calls me to tell me he was in a relationship with some girl and had been two days before I called. I spoke to him about it and he said "I have to get over you somehow." Shortly after, (about a week) they had broken up.
We didn't talk for a while, until I had arrived home from a trip I had formally taken. I was online and we were talking. We, OF COURSE, had another disagreement about nothing in particular. He fought with me about our relationship, blamed me for cheating. I've NEVER cheated on anyone in my life and he knew that. So, he knew it'd get under my skin. He said "What do you expect me to do, I'm still stuck to you like glue."
I never responded. We didn't talk for months after, until he messaged me complaing about how his "best friend" had told him she loved him. Etc. I told him how I felt, long story short. I was dead on. She lead him on. Yet again, we stopped speaking for a while.

He and I just recently got back in contact. He basically apologized for everything we went through. I'm only a teenager, but I think I have a slim chance at being in love too, right?
We talked all the way from about 11pm to 5am. At first we talked like we were only friends, I was fine with that except for the select few moments where he would bring up out past relationship.
I am in desprate need for some advice.

The first few moments we spoke he practically told me he didn't care if he was friends with me or not, because he asked me if I wanted to be and Isaid "I don't really care. It's your choice". Then, about an hour or two later... we were still texting, we were joking around and he said "We should have a sleepover!" and I said "Wouldn't your girlfriend get mad?" to which he said "nah, she knows you're like a big sister to me:) You can sleep in my bed with me like a real big sister!" and that lead somehow down the line to him telling me "I'm forreal, I really do miss you." I thought he meant as a friend... but some how that brought him to telling me this :
* he was upset, so I asked him what was wrong. And he said "I miss you as a person."
Which eventually lead him to saying "Ughhh neverming. I wish I wasn't a **** boyfriend to you back before. I would feel better as a person."
Me - Is that what this is about? The past is the past. I was insecure and I had a lot of growing up to do. It wasn't necisariy, your fault."
Him - "That's not the reason I'm talking to you.. but I wasn't a trustworthy boyfriend.. but what ia m trying to see if what will fix it really, unless ir was. And I like being your little bro but I just wish I ould prove that I can be a better person to you. And I am sorry I wasn't what I was supposed to be. Ive never gotten OVER you. Ive just moved on that's all. I just wish I could have made our break up proper. And would have told the truth more. Im not a liar, Im just stupid. I just.. I lied to you.. I told **Insert friends name here** I loved her.. Regardless of what you did you were my girlfriend. I should have told you the truth in the first place. Now, I'm so scared to have any relationship and I have trust issues. Ive dreamed of us lately and I don't know what it means." then he sent a second : "I'm sorry.. I really am.. I wish I was better for you then.. I'm glad you dumped me and you have a chance to get better."
Me - "Why would YOU have trust issues?
As much as I said, I would;ve love you to have told me the truth... would it really have changed anything? Honestly, I still would've broken up with you so you could've been WITH her. In my head "I love you" Means, I want to be with you. I gave you that chance, you just didn't want to take it. I never would've taken you back. Uhm. You broke up with me? Haha. Don't talk like that, you got better too. You have **Insert new girlfriends name here**"
Him - "I know.. I just wish I could have been honest with you like you deserved... You were no you ARE and amazing kind beautiful girl and I thre you to the ground and stomed you down. I never meant to treat you vad. Not a day goes by that I wish I would fix what happened."

Blahblahblahh...
and then he ended with a BANG : "I want to go back and in time and you were all I wanted and that our break up wasn't supposed to be more than a break.. I really did (and still do) love you. If I could go back in time and treat you like a goddess like the boyfriend I should've been I would. I would anyday... "

This was literally last night, but I can't stop thinking about it. I realized I missed him still and I want him back... in my mind. But my heart won't let me do it again, I'm terrified to take that risk. Especailly considering he has a girlfriend.
He called me, later on that night and acted like we were only friends.
Honestly, I don't know what to think : Please, help me.

He has a girlfriend. He's off limits to you. No further discussion is necessary.

Well, yes. I'm aware. It's just I want to know he still cares about me.
And it didn't stop him from doing it to me?

Wait a minute! Consider this --


1) this isn't the first time he's tried to "be friends"
2) it always leads to disaster
3) it wasn't a very healthy relationship
4) we fought a lot
5) he and I were practically opposites
6) we fought a lot
7) he told his "best friend" he was in love with her
8) I broke up with him
9) it took him weeks to convince me to take him back...and I stupidly did
10) we had a huge fight
11) he decided he wanted a "break"
12) he wouldn't answer my calls or my texts
13) my friend calls me to tell me he was in a relationship with some girl and had been two days before I called
14) he said "I have to get over you somehow"
15) we, OF COURSE, had another disagreement about nothing in particular
16 he fought with me about our relationship
17) he blamed me for cheating
18) he knew it'd get under my skin
19) we didn't talk for months after
20) we stopped speaking for a while.
21) he said "nah, she knows you're like a big sister to me"
22) he said, "I've just moved on, that's all"
23) I'm so scared to have any relationship
24) I have trust issues
25) I want him back...in my mind. But my heart won't let me do it again
26) especially considering he has a girlfriend
27) he acted like we were only friends

Honestly, I don't know what to think.
I do. Read all that. Add that he has a girlfriend. If he cared for you, HE would have been trying to get hold of you all this time, and HE would have been waiting for you. Instead HE moved on with his life. It's too late. You two are poison for each other. Or do you thrive on drama?

Sami,

It is clear you are hurting and confused, breathe and think about things before you make any decisions.

First, forget about his relationship status that's irrelevant as far as your feelings go. Him having a girlfriend or not won't change how you feel about him.

That said, remember this little saying "ex's are ex's for a reason"

I am going to give you my advice and the reasons for it, I mean this with the best of intentions. First, you need to take care of yourself, if you are not in an emotionally stable place you can not have a healthy relationship--So, see someone about your feelings of depression. They could be normal breakup feelings or they could be more, as you indicated i.e.; being depressed and pushing everyone away.

Next, give the relationship a break, if you two are meant to be together then you will. Once you are feeling strong and thinking clearly make a decision on whether you are in love and the relationship will work (if the depression/circumstances were the cause of the fighting). If you realize that the two of you are simply "oil and water" then move on.

Whatever you do, at this point it sounds like you and ex need to have space so you can heal and grow. I have no problem with FWB (which Im assuming is what "being with" means) but not in a situation where you can not separate the act from the deeper feelings.

Good luck,

Adam

Leave the guy alone. It didn't work before, its not working as friends, so just leave each other alone, and do what you do without each other.