My parents read a note I wrote saying I wanted to kill myself because no one cared. Now they don't trust me they are always watching me making sure I don't do something stupid. I don't blame them I know I would do the same if I my kid wanted to kill themselves but I don't know how to deal with it.

Take every opportunity to be happy and be cooperative around the house. Don't be fakey. Actually set your mind to be real. It will take time, but it will work in your favor. By that time, your mind and heart will be more cheerful and your behavior more outgoing so that you don't even have to think about being that way any longer. It will happen naturally.

If you were/are serious about the note you need to let it out to someone you can really trust, a shoulder to cry on so to speak. I'm sure there are Helplines available in your area too if you can't trust anyone.
Of course your parents will be sick with worry after discovering something like that but it just goes to show they DO care, maybe not in the way you expect but at the end of the day, you need to let all your pain, worries and possible feelings of worthlessness out to someone. Young ones have it really hard these days with pressures and expectations from school, home and peers, and maybe your parents would understand more if you helped them to see what you have to deal with on a regular basis.
A trip to the Doctor may even be necessary if you are suffering from depression. I hope you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's brighter than you may think.

My heart will never be cheerful

How do you know you're not depressed?

Comment on Moparbyfar's post
Because I'm nt sad just misunderstood.I feel alone nt depressed.I hv good things in my life that make me smile and happy bt there's the stuff @ home that makes me feel alone.
So what can you do to make things better at home?

People and things don't make you happy. YOU make you happy.

(Please stop with the chat-speak. And use the Answer box for putting replies on this thread. Thanks for your cooperation.)

Comment on Moparbyfar's post
I don't need a doctor.im not depressed.I cnt trust people,because they'll use it against me.

But you are depressed dear. People who self harm are depressed. Happy people don't self harm or even think about suicide.

... and that's exactly how my brother felt before he tried to kill himself. He has since been to a doctor and has been diagnosed with clinical depression. I'm not saying you definitely have depression, but I'm saying it's a possibility. There has got to be some underlying reason for you to want to end your life, but I think as Wondergirl mentioned earlier, you long for attention from you family, so you'll get it one way or another. Your boyfriend is wonderful to stick by you through your highs and lows but you may need professional help too in order to assist getting rid of your negative thoughts, after all, imagine how heavy the load must be for your boyfriend! Make it fair for the both of you and search out someone else to confide in as well. You say there's no one, I say you haven't looked hard enough or given them the chance.

I do have someone my youth leader and she told me that also. Said I was looking for attention from my parents. But if I was looking for attention from them why would I try to hide it from them and why would I say I feel in rose bushes. If I wanted attention why would I ask people I don't even know for advice instead of just saying,"mom I cut myself last night because I want someone to pay attention to me. I talk to my youth leader but she tells me to pray about it,but something's are just to scary for god to know.

You need to talk.

And talk and talk.

Talking to your parents about how your feelings however uncomfortable it feels,or write it down and show them,once they can understand where your coming from they can be more proactive in helping.

They are probably scared out of there wits for you,which means they love you very much,help them understand.

Councilling will help.

As you grow older,and I'm talking about tomorrow and next week and next month next year,your life will change,things will happen that will make you laugh until your sides hurt and there will also be days where things will happen that will make to cry,but the thing is,life is change,nothing stays the same,so if your feeling unhappy now,know that it will pass and happy days are ahead,whether you like it or not.

I don't normally give advice concerning God,but since you brought it up.

God knows your pain,whether you speak the words or not,bidden or not bidden,he is ever present,and there is nothing you have ever done or can do that cannot be forgiven.

Start by talking, and the rest will follow.

why would i ask people i don't even know for advice instead of just saying,"mom i cut myself last night because i want someone to pay attention to me."
Tell your mom what you wrote here. Also say, "I seriously need help."

But I can't.I can't talk.I can't tell my mom I need help.

Put her on the computer so I can talk with her.

I can't.my mom doesn't know anything.at least not the mom that needs to know.she can't know.my life would be ruined.my mom can't know.not now.not ever.she wouldn't understand.my dad didn't and she won't eother.if I were to tell her half the stuff I post on here she would freak.she would go insane.and I can tell you this if my mom knew anything or if I told her anything my life WOULD be a living Hell.she believes I'm a smart intelligent kid... she thinks I'm awesome.is she knew I was such a failure she would be sad and embaressed.probablly even mad. I know how to tell her... I just don't want to.I don't want to disappoint another person,I've disappointed plenty of people... my dad,my stepmom,my youth leader,my preacher's wife, not to count myself... why do I need to disappoint another person...

But you ARE a smart kid, and awesome too!

Give yourself some credit.

Is there something kind of good that you can substitute for cutting?

No I'm not.my mom hasn't known me for 5 years and she comes back and all of a sudden I'm an awesome kid because I do the dishes.or because I pack my stuff up just so I can get it done so I can go home.no I don't think I'm an awesome kid.and I'm not smart because smart people don't cut themselves.do you mean like listening to music...

I've been reading your posts since the beginning, and I think you are an awesome kid. You are introspective (look that up!) and like to write. You express yourself well. And yes, music would be a good substitute. What kind of music do you like?

Linkin Park,sometimes good charlotte,eminem,aerosmith,and lone star... anything loud that most people find disturbing... have you ever heard a song--"Strawberry Gashes" by Jack Off Jill? The words are awesome... and thanks but I'm really not an awesome kid,I promise I'm not.I'm more messed up than any kid you have probably ever seen or talked to.

linkin park,sometimes good charlotte,eminem,aerosmith,and lone star.....anything loud that most people find disturbing....have u ever heard a song--"Strawberry Gashes" by Jack Off Jill? the words are awesome....and thanks but i'm really not an awesome kid,i promise i'm not.i'm more messed up than any kid you have probablly ever seen or talked to.
I've talked with a lot of messed up kids as the supervisor for a library community service program and as a counselor, so I'm guessing you can still be redeemed.

Doesn't a song like "Strawberry Gashes" just make you want to cut more and make you feel bad about things?

I like Linkin Park a lot! Eminem too. The others I can live without.

And the song "Numb" by Linkin Park,it was a masterpeice(look it up on youtube)

And the song "Numb" by Linkin Park,it was a masterpeice(look it up on youtube)
But that is such a downer song.

I don't need YouTube. My son just sang it to me. :D

Really?. I didn't think so.

No not really.. I don't let songs intise my desions to cut more... and songs like strawberry gashes just let me know I'm not the only messed up person who has thought/did bad or unforgivable things. And how can you live without Good Charlotte... the others maybe but good charlotte is next after Linkin Park