Tnis is my story I just turn 21 not that long ago. I been through a lot of things in my past and I feel like everything is taking a toll on me after as this time. First of I was molested by my brother for a couple of months don't remember my age cause I try to block it out but if I'm not mistaking I was in the 5th grade and he probably was in the 7th grade. I finally did tell my parents at the age of 15 or 16 but never did anything about it. I guess that's what started my bad ways. In middle I started cutting class and in the 7th grade I met this guy which was way older than me to be exact 8 years older than me. I was 13 and he was 21. He was sweet and nice and I guess I did get attach to him cause of what I had been through. A year later I lost my virginity to him, although there was an age difference I knew I loved him at some point. So I lost my virginity at the age of 14 I was with him for a year and a month. Later on that month I met another guy which I was young and fell madly in love, so at this darn time I had to boyfriends. I finally break it off w the one met over the summer and stay w my one year relationship bf(which I am going to name Alberto) Alberto was in and out of jail and I grew tired of waiting,but still keep on w the relationship. One Friday night in dec I was w him but later went home cause he was going to do to a bar w some friends and that was the last time I saw him alive.The next morning I got a call from his brother saying that Alberto had passed away that he had been shot. So at this point I am in my first year of high school and my boyfriend has just passed away and I didn't know how to handle that situation.

I didn't cry as much as I though I would, I didn't show my emotions, much less deal w the pain. I started drinking smoking and partying a lot more. I sarted daiting a guy which I never had sex. I started messing w some guy that had a girl and started sleeping around. I had a couple of boyfriends and did have sex but for some reason I was never happy. I turn 17 dropped out of h.s got my ged and meet this guy which was very nice and I though he was real but a few months later fing out he was married, but to top it of found out I was pregnant. I had an abortion which I regret till this day. Even though I found out I still keep in touch his wife confroted me but I denyed everything. Than after that I have a few more bfs, but still kepp in touvh w him. I meet this really great guy after all that he has really changed my life and I thank him for that I been w him for 3 year.

All I do now is cry and cry and I'm always sad and all I can think about is my ex who passed away I regret not letting all my emotions come out when they had to but I when and did bad things to try and not to think about him. I know he's dead but I wonder if he would to see my ways would he be upset or mad. I still wish he didn't die there is days where I just want to sleep and hopefully dream of him. I miss his so much I always compare him to other guys. ANd the other thing I cry for is my abortion wish I never did that wish I would have keep the baby. So after so many years I'm w some one that I truly love someone who understand me but yet I'm always feeling so sad I'm always crying. I feel I'm going into this deppression where I can speak to no one. Can some one please help me.

'I meet this really great guy after all that he has really changed my life and I thank him for that I been w him for 3 year.'

You can't enjoy a good relationship, it sounds like. Therapy would help.
You are mixing hurt, anger, guilt, and shame. You are 'using' Alberto by putting him on a pedestal (you were very young, it wasn't that long, was he really that wonderful in and out of jail?) and crying over him when you have a nice man right next to you now.
Guilt over abortion and sleeping around is too mixed in with anger over hurts that were done to you.
Sort out each event and face it. Abortion? Do something really nice for a child or children or rescue animals or adopt an orphan. Guilt is self indulgent; it does no good for you or the world.
Molested? Express your anger, if not to your brother for some reason, to a therapist.
Sleeping around? Forgive yourself. It's common behavior when you are young and trying to numb your feelings and pretend you don't care.
And finally, doesn't this nice man who loves you anyway deserve having a woman who can enjoy him?
But really, you need to do this for you.

You were never shown any coping tools so you did the best you could in the situations you found yourself in.

With all the bad decisions you made,and really I don't think anyone can fault you,now you can see where all this begin you can start to heal.

Getting into councilling is the best starting point,either through a church or doctor,keeping going until to get that councillor.