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View Full Version : How can I get over him?


emptyandlost
Jan 10, 2007, 12:01 AM
I guess I should start by telling you a little about our relationship. I'm 43 years old and I was involved with a man several years younger than myself. I've been married twice but I never knew what love really was until I met this guy. We started as friends and then friends with fringes, he thought being with an older woman would be exciting and I thought the same about being with a younger man. And then I fell head over heels in love. He never lied to me about his feelings for me. I knew he didn't love me but over time I allowed myself to think that he would. At one point he thought so too and that just added fuel to the fire. After 6 years of being best friends, lovers, and finally live-in bf/gf he decided it was time to break things off. It's been 6 months and I still miss him so much. I've tried everything I can think of to get over him. I go out with my friends, I date, I think about the positive side of being single but it still feels as though my world has just collapsed. We are trying to be friends but I cry every time I read one of his emails or talk to him and I make a complete fool of myself when I see him in person. I just don't know what else to do. I'm so confused right now. He was the first man I ever met who really listened and seemed interested in my thoughts or feelings. I'm dating but it seems like all men want to do is jump into bed. He's the first man I ever truly admired and respected and I go out with these guys and there's just nothing there. Should I wait longer to start dating? I thought going out would help me get over him but it's not. I feel stupid for having fallen for someone so much younger than myself to start with and now I feel like a complete loser for not being over him yet. He recently moved out of state which I thought would help me but now I'm missing our friendship as well and silly as it may be I feel betrayed by him because it seems to be so easy for him to forget the last 6 years and everything we've been to each other.

rol
Jan 10, 2007, 03:08 AM
<<We are trying to be friends but I cry every time I read one of his emails or talk to him and I make a complete fool of myself when I see him in person.>>

First stop that and do not be friends with him... Tell him you cannot just be friends , you want a relationship with him or nothing at all , and then disappear from his life.

Difficult, but it needs to be done, right now you are causing yourself more pain by keeping him in your life.

No contact is the best for you right now..
It will take you about 3 months to feel better, but it is possible.

rol
Jan 10, 2007, 03:11 AM
<<I'm dating but it seems like all men want to do is jump into bed. He's the first man I ever truly admired and respected and I go out with these guys and there's just nothing there. Should I wait longer to start dating? >>

No, don't jump from one to another.
Get to know yourself first of all, and what you want from a relationship , try and figure out what went wrong from this one. You do seem a bit needy by your post.

I quote tals gem from another post
"Knowing yourself before a relationship is where your confidence comes from, and not depending on anyone for your self confidence or happiness is key, and keeping your own identity thru out a relationship is so important to be healthy, happy, and confident you will survive."

ordinaryguy
Jan 10, 2007, 06:06 AM
You don't say how much younger he is, but my experience has been that age differences of more than about eight to ten years rarely work for long. The cycles and stages of life are too much out of synch, and while it may work at a point in time, eventually you zig when they zag and things come apart. Six years is a pretty good run, so be thankful for that.

Regrettably, the answer to your question is stop all contact with him and allow at least a year to pass. You were far more emotionally invested in the relationship than he was, and it's just going to take some time to grieve your loss and get to the point where you're ready for another relationship. I don't think the dating scene is likely to help, and it may hinder, if you succumb to the temptation to jump into a rebound relationship. Far better to be alone and work out your issues on your own than mixing them with somebody else's issues. That just makes it more complicated and take longer.

Sorry not to be able to offer you a magic wand you can wave to make it all better, but time is the only magic there is when it comes to processing grief. Feel free to come back here as needed for comraderie and encouragement. I wish you all the best.

talaniman
Jan 10, 2007, 06:18 AM
I truly think the best way to get over those bad feeling is VOLUNTEER work at churches or hospitals, or community centers. Once you see how your efforts can help others you realise your problems are so small when compared to those who have next to nothing. There is no greater feeling in the world than to see that your presence helps some one else and is appreciated.