Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.

I really disagree, while I often speak about my mother from, well somewhere hot, it has nothing to do with love, it is because of her love she acts the way she does.

I believe it is more a misunderstanding or a different way to show things then the other person wants or expects.

I may not be able to stay in the same room with my mother for more than 2 hours, but hate has nothing to do with it, it is the extreme love she has that she focus on me poorly that is the issue

Lol As a male that sounds more like my father-- and he really did not change till the plant he worked at and wanted me to work at shut down.
My little brother worked there and got the boot after 17 years -- no marketable skills.
So there I was at 45 and my dad begrudging said -- maybe you made the right dissension

I wish I could answer because then I could help my GF her mom ruined her life at first with drinking and then jealousy... calling names locking in rooms and gorunding while her sister was able to roam free... I think it comes to jealousy... and possible the relatiuonship the daughter has with the father... could your mom bejealous of that?

I don't find it a common phenomenon at all though it absolutely exists. Some of my peers (I'm a father of two) seem to base their parenting on NOT doing what their parents did to them - breaking the circle so to speak. Sometimes you have to cut out the cancer in your life and minimize contact with the ones who bring you down.

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.

You don't have to get a license to be a mother, and some really twisted sadistic people happen to get pregnant and bear children. It's another one of the ways in which life isn't fair, because having a mother like that is definitely a big disadvantage.

Having children does not make you a mother... that makes you able to have children

Being a mother is so much more then giving birth. Mothers are best friends, cheerleaders, caregivers, a shoulder to cry on, support, love unconditionally, mediator, rule maker and so much more.

Just because someone has a child does not mean that they are a mom... unfortuately that is the sad truth.

Tuscany, you are so right! Excellent post.

I can say for sure that there are a couple people I know that consider themselves mothers but they make their children's life miserable which does not make them a parent at all. A parent does not always put their children down, making them feel useless just for some examples.

Joe

I agree with everyone. Unfortuanantly just about any one can become a parent. There are only a few who actually deserve it and wear the honor like a badge. My parents were great and still are. They have always gone out of there way to help us out and make us feel good.
I don't know how a parent can act like that. I am a parent myself to a 19 month old boy. He is my WORLD! I don't know what I would do without him. Every little thing he does makes me proud. This will be until the day I die!

I believe some parents do hate there children. I also believe some children hate their parents. This is a terrible thing, but it does happen.
I don't have an answer for why it happens.. I wish I did.. I would write a book and get rich, but some questions just have no real answers. It is very sad.

My mom was and still is a nasty person!I am the eldest of 9, then I had a brother who she gave away for adoption then she had another 4 boys and then 3 girls.basicaly I raised them all.she would be in the pub day and night,bring that many different men home I was scared to sleep till they had gone.when she was around she beat me,locked me in my room with a bucket as a loo I used to get dragged about by my hair and one partner she had she let him beat me and my brothers daily with a belt!! thenit was like a viciuos circle when I wasn't there she would do it to the younger kids so I never went to school so I could take the beatings and not them!
Now I am 31 have had 4 children of my own,my first baby died at 3 months of cot death (even then she was a horrible mother to me) I now have a 12,10 & 8year old and I try my hardest never to treat them the way she treated me, my 12 year old keeps asking when he can make a cup of tea,but I don't want him to I want him to do the things kids his age do and not grow up doing the things I had to do.dont get me wrong they do have chores to do in the house but I just don't like them doing things that I shouild be doing.
So I think any female can be a mum but it takes someone special to be a mother!!

I was thinking abut this post all last night I just couldn't get it out of my head! maybe because it bought a lot of old feelings back?
I just can't understand how some mothers can treat their children so bad,my children mean the entire world to me, but I know what it is like to be treated so badly as a child and I also know what it is like to loose a child!! It is the worst feeling in the whole world and I didn't even have my mother to turn to at that time!! I loved my daughter with al my heart and soul and I would have died in her place! The day she died my ex-sister-in-law gave birth to twin boys,and low and behold me she neglected them little boys for nearly four years before anyone did anything about it!!
So how anyone can say that a mother wouldn't ruin a child's life is TOTALLY wrong because these sick people do exsist out there which is very sad :(

On a lighter note I found this poem for all te wonderful and caring mothers in the world...

Super Mom
Mom, you're a wonderful mother,
So gentle, yet so strong.
The many ways you show you care
Always make me feel I belong.
You're patient when I'm foolish;
You give guidance when I ask;
It seems you can do most anything;
You're the master of every task.
You're a dependable source of comfort;
You're my cushion when I fall.
You help in times of trouble;
You support me whenever I call.
I love you more than I can express;
You have my total respect.
If I had my choice of mothers,
You'd be the one I'd select!

THIS IS FROM A MOM. I am going to assume that at least some of the other posts are from MEN, i.e. NOT MOMS.

First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom.

But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY.

Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. You enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get through it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. I think even in our age of equality of the sexes, MOM is still primary care giver. Mom is always WITH the baby, but suddenly no one notices MOM (like that commercial on TV about the 'invisible Mom feeling') they all come to see and ooh and ahh over the baby. Relatives who once loved MOM now are eager to get cards and letters and complain if there are no pictures of the BABY/young child. (It wouldn't matter if it included recent photo of Mom sky diving, they don't care, they want to see the baby!) For the most part, Moms accept this. They LOVE their babies and probably DO take tons of pictures. They love to just LOOK at their babies, smell their babies, hold their babies. Mom still carefully watches what baby eats, but when MOM is up all night and been pooped on, burped on, cried at for hours she maybe hasn't had a shower in days and eats leftovers from the meal she missed when baby was crying and only Mom could soothe. In toddlerhood it progresses to Mom is ultimate radar detector for baby hazards--she sees knives left on tables, small choke hazards on the floors, poisons in low cupboards. She seeks to protect this offspring that was once inside her, just as her hands once instinctively jumped to her pregnant belly to protect when baby was in there. It probably continues like this for many years until the children are quite grown/independent. Along the way, MOM is still a person. We all have good times/bad times. I suspect the Moms who fail to re-find themselves post-baby or who suffer the only-Moms-know real physical problems of having children: sexual satisfaction changes, adjustments from internal organs being shoved around during pregnancy, cystoceles, rectoceles, uterine prolapses, bladder incontinence, breast changes from nursing, C-section scars, completely body-altering things that oft times women are afraid to speak to doctors about, even husbands about, even other women about. They never give time to taking care of themselves because the children demand at least half their daily waking hours many days. (I call it kids gluing themselves to Mommy's butt) At which point suddenly you are asking a person who has given many years of attention to this little person (effectively subdivided MOM herself as a person among herself and each of her kids) to not be traumatized herself by all this subdivision and invisibleness. Even the best MOMS struggle with this. I dearly LOVE my kids. My own mother I hated until she got Alzheimer's and I became one of her caregivers. I look back now and realize her getting Alzheimer's TAUGHT ME how to be a Mom before I had my kids. My own MOM couldn't have taught me, because she was a mean spirited seemingly hateful Mom. She hated my Dad and told us kids she did. She spent most of my life telling me I should never have kids--that having kids had ruined her life. I found my own path to walk and I chose one directly opposite my Mom's. I would put right with my kids what had once went wrong in my childhood. Yet when she died I took time to write a eulogy because in BEING a Mom myself I had grown to understand MY MOM. Late in life she had a prolapsed uterus repaired. I've had one of my own that I suffered from torturously, embarrassingly, silently until I knew what it was. My own Mom wasn't as well educated as I am, couldn't Google something on the internet to figure it out, didn't have daytime talk shows addressing it. When I had my problems wrapped up inside my head I have yelled at my kids. I've been heck to live with. I've had days when I thought I would just go mad when reality hit me that I couldn't just stop at a quicky-mart for a quicky snack while driving because first I had to stop and unstrap 2 kids from complicated carseats, drag them--sometimes whining--into the store, take one or both to the potty as soon as we get in there, and then get my snack only to have to share it with 2 little moochers who then leave crumbs all over the back seat that I have to clean up. (Ever see a Mom devour an entire chocolate cake in secret? This is WHY!) We spend our lives giving bites to our kids, letting them sit on our laps, jumping every time we hear them cry for real, trying to figure out which way to go first if 2 kids cry from 2 different directions, waking as soon as they wake, not necessarily when the alarm goes off. MOM is a high-stress job. Find out if bomb techs and firefighters don't have bad habits/more prevalence toward mean/sharp behavior with their kids.

Put it this way: take your very best friend in the whole wide world. Let's say he moves in with you and gives you one giant kick in the crotch that forever changes what you feel during sex. He never apologizes but you love him and forgive him anyway. Let's say for 6 years he gets all the attention from everybody over you. During that time YOU teach him everything he knows. And you respond to his every need--including wiping his butt and spooning food into his mouth. Then have him suddenly leave you and get a new job with lots of new friends, including new best friends. Then eventually have a time or 2 where he does something better than you can do it. And add a time or 2 where he tells you he hates you (I bet every kid on earth had said this once or twice to Mom) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT? Unless you're a saint, you might feel some resentment, might feel shortchanged, might feel like a fool for giving him so much of your life, but you still love him deeply.

I don't think it's the quality of the person becoming a parent, I think it's your level of understanding/empathizing with the person who is your parent and/or their own ability to adapt to their life situations.

I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. Or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it.

So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did...

As I just said abouve I didn't say all mums were bad and I do pray to god that there are a lot more good than bad!
But when I was growing up I was a mother to my 4 brothers never allowed to go to school as I had the kids to look after,I had to cook,clean,change dirty nappies at 7/8.I was 14when my sister came along and I overheard people in the shops saying I was a dirty little tart having a baby at such a young age!! :mad: I tried to make my point that she is my sister but they didn't want to believe it,then when she was 17months old another sister came along oh and once again people thought she was mine and to totally top it all off my mum got pregnant AGAIN but this time I alo got pregnant when she was 5months gone.
I was so happy to have a baby of my own but when I told her I was pregnant she said I'm glad your pleased get rid of it you've got these kids to look after!! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:
As you can see this is a very touchy subject to me as my mum did make my life a misery and I don't think iwill ever forgive her for it :eek:

People are people and there are all kinds. What's that old saying.. we can pick our friends but not our relatives?

Some people are so damaged that their love is toxic. I wouldn't even call it love but for the sake of being graceful about it I am. And sadly, damaged people raise damaged kids who in turn raise damaged kids. Well, its not exactly that simple since there are lots of exceptions in the mix and toxic is a term of relativity too. And they don't even know they are doing it -- its called DENIAL. But it is possible to break the chain, as NeedKarma suggests, sometimes on your own and other times with professional help.

I come from an incredibly damaged family, who also came from incredibly damaged families and who likely came from damaged families. I was not willing to settle for that so I sought help for myself. If people in my culture were as interested about their mental hygiene as they are about who the father of Anna Nicole's baby is, a lot of this would begin to change. Sadly, I see what I call the thousand nameless mental illnesses spreading over time here so that it is indeed more and more common. Part of the reason I am here posting in the forums I am is to try and stem that tide a bit. Sick parents are a burden, whether its physical or emotional. As adults, it is our job to rise to that occasion and seek what help is necessary for us to do just that.

When you point a finger at MOM please realize there are 3 other fingers pointing back at YOU. Especially those who mention dysfunctional family following dysfunctional family ad nauseum. You can never change your mothers. YOU CAN, however, change YOU and your attittude. (I recall a co-worker of mine whom I absolutely dispised. I thought when he was hired he was a bad fit for his job. He had flat feet and every time I heard him walk down the hall past my office that flip flop of his feet was like fingernails on a chalkboard for me. I couldn' stand knowing he was around. Then, as time went on, he wnet beyond his own job duties because his interests/skills lay elsewhere and he solved some of the major problems I was having in my department and he took over some of the duties that I myself hated and he in fact enjoyed those same duties. I suddenly started to like this fellow. And one day I noticed that I didn't even HEAR his feet go by my office anymore. When my attitude towards him changed, I found my whole tolerance for him changed.) SEE YOUR MOMS FOR WHO THEY REALLY ARE. LOOK INSIDE TO HER CONFLICTS/STRUGGLES. EMPATHIZE (or help, if you can and you will create a NEW family dynamic that you might be more proud of instead of coming to a chat board and b---hing about your moms.

As far as dysfunctional following another, there is absoluitley no excuse today. (I'll not address those families where illegal drugs are the problems, as I have no experience there and feel handling reality is hard enough--drug-created realities are another story... ) But there is no excuse today to not fix a LOT of your family problems all by yourself: Not when I can't pick up a remote and not see some Nanny show on TV giving parents the actual specific solutions to their parenting skills. Not when Dr. Phil and TONS like him are all over the airwaves helping you solve your personal problems. You know when those kids shot up Columbine HS? I am in NO WAY justfying what they did, but if you'll remember it was a severe wake-up call to see how kids who are bullied/picked on/laughed at at school can take only SO MUCH and eventually explode. I see it everywhere in movies and TV this life lesson being taught: my kids watch a Land Before Time cartoon dinosaur movie and see a 'bully' dinosaur who picks on Littlefoot and his friends and makes their lives a sheer hell but then they come to see that the bully has a Dad who picks on him the same way and they decide rather than run from the bully and hate him they will show him love and compassion for his situation and Voilà! The bully softens/changes/learns that if he is hurting it isn't going to help for him to retaliate and hurt others. He has to speak up to his Dad and tell him what he's doing, tell him how it makes him feel, and tell him what he wants/needs him to do to make it better. This is what I teach my kids probably on a several-times-a-day basis. But there are TONS of adults in today's society that need to learn this same lesson. I came frm a HUGEly dysfunctional family. But that's NO EXCUSE for ME to be dysfunctional. You aren't victims of Mom's behavior unless you decide to be. And I'll maintain that I bet Mom is feeling a lot of frustration/hurt/anger that nobody is caring one diddly about that is fueling her reaction to you and her outloook on life/the world. YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

To Wallabee:

Apparently you missed me saying this...

I was not willing to settle for that so I sought help for myself. Sick parents are a burden, whether its physical or emotional. As adults, it is our job to rise to that occasion and seek what help is necessary for us to do just that.

I love my family. Getting healthy for me definitely required intense self examination and also changed the dynamics of my family too. One person getting well in a dysfunctional system does not always have the happy ending you suggest though. You were fortunate it was well received. Some are not so lucky. That isn't an excuse, its just reality for some people. I understand the limitations of my family now and I work to keep the peace. And in no way do I subscribe to the "dump on mom/dad -- make excuses" thinking so hopefully you can see that was a misunderstanding about me.

There is no overlooking though that really destructive stuff (not just addictions but other stuff too) it gets handed down, virtually unchecked sometimes, through the generations - studies have that well documented. I am not saying that excuses it, only that is HOW it continues to occur. I hear you that too many people use it as an excuse. I TOTALLY agree with you that is not fair, right or even adult behavior. I hope this clears it up for you. (My name is Val and you can feel free to use it whenever you want to address things to me too) :)

The point of my post was to answer the question why do mothers hate their children with an answer that bascially said they don't mean to, they may not realise what they are doing and how that happens takes a big picture viewpoint to fully understand it. I was not siding with anyone.

I have seen some severe negativity from a mother that works right next to me at my postal job. She is angry with her teen son everyday and is always seeking sympathy for her situation. As a mother myself, I honestly do not understand her beefs. She is angry because her son's car has costly repairs. She is angry because he only has a B average and therefore states she will not pay for college. She is angry because he is chosing sports over a job. She is just plain angry and I am sure the boy knows there is more going on than normal parental concerns.

She is a single parent, and I understand there are concerns. Honestly though, if you aren't willing to cut off your right arm for your children... don't have them. I even heard this particular mother state that her parents love her a lot more than her son. How ridiculous. There are obvious mental problems here.

For children of mental cases such as this, please seek help. This way you can learn how to deal with the lack of love and maybe come to an understanding and find a way to bridge your gaps. Everybody needs a parent, but some people will just have to learn to be their own parents and even go so far as to learn to parent their own mothers and fathers. Sorry. But that may be the only sane answer... that and prayer. Blessings.

To Val:
I'm sorry. My post was NOT directed specifically at YOUR post. It was just generally directed to the theme of several of the previous posts. Yes, I did read what you'd written.

Val, I am so sorry for what you have endured. You have turned out quite well and have a wonderful attitude.

I went to counselling for my mother's problems, myself. She and her brother and sister were never nurtured and the three of them ended up with disorders. My aunt had severe paranoid schiztophernia, my uncle has been battling manic depression and until recently I didn't know what was wrong with my mother. She has neer been protective and sees the world as a threatening place. She has played the victim, whist she has victimized.

I talked to my doctor about her behavior after I saw her ,and those like her , described online. I specifically asked my doctor if she could be afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. He said he cannot diagnose her without her being there, but her behavior sounds classic.

I bought a book,Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. It described Borderlines as "a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self image, and affects, and marked impusivity".The emtional state of the Bordreline borders between psychosis and neurosis, particularly when faced with abandonment and rejection. In essence, the mother toys with the child's emotional state, sometimes masked with a smile. In the process of the mother seeking affirmation , the child is under attack with much emotional abuse. This is sometimes done with a smile, to further confuse the young child.The mother cannot see her fault as her illness makes her blind to the damage she is doing.

It really helped me empathize with my mom. She didn't protect me because she wasn't protected. She was selfish because she was made to never feel important by HER mother.She makes me feel the bad child because she is feeling bad and wants be to NEED her love which she will only give when it suits.

This affliction is rarely fixed by counselling maybe because the Borderline cannot see their behavior and see themselves so much as the victim. Because of my newfound understanding, I now mother my mother. It works for us. I never look to her to understand me, but I always try to give her understanding. I affirm my worth to myself,as I now take on the role of my OWN mother to me. I also tell my son that he is always welcome to tell me if I am on the wrong path as I will gladly fix any parental mistakes for him,(something my mother cannot do), as I love him dearly and am thankfully well.

I cannot get angry at other children for their anger at their parents. They may have not gotten counselling or may be victims of Borderlines. A lot of Borderlines breed Borderlines, Which as I stated before, are difficult if not impossible to treat. I am fortunate. I cannot use my good fortune against those that cannot cope and therefore cannot judge others on their reactions to bad parenting.

I do get angry when I see bad parenting in the making, as I have so much empathy for the true victims... the children in the homes. My earlier post, was about a coworker that regularly berates her son. I do believe she is a Borderline, as she will not listen to reason and is not willing to change even though I have tried every way I can think of to cajole her out of her anger and funk, especially since it is directed at her son. She is such the victim that she cannot see how she victimizes. Sooo sad. I now pray for the son. I hope he one day receives counselling as I believe the lack of love and understanding is screaming for it.

Blessings to you, a fellow victim. Thank God we have seen into the matters and have turned it around. Love will find a way.

I agree with everyone and my parent make me sad I am 16 years old my all friends go to evrywhere alone but I can't if I will go with them my mother or my sisters will come with me .I asked them one day why do you do this for me don't u trust me they told me that no we do but you are still small and you don't know what your doing ,also I didn't go to my friend house even one time .I donno what's happening with me but I hope that someone will help me and tell me a way to tell them so that they will live me alone

Thank you Sexy for such an illuminating post. I (and I bet a few others) have a sense of not being so alone here (on this site) as people who understand both sides of things like this. My repeat message here is that almost everything we encounter that is damaging is also recoverable from.. but healing does take work. I am impressed by yours too.
Blessings to you, a fellow victim. Thank God we have seen into the matters and have turned it around. Love will find a way. Semantics, LOL I know but I dare say you, me and countless others here aren't so much victims anymore but survivors having experienced the grace of healing love as we have.

PS - Louna honey, when you need help, it works better if you start your own thread about it just like you did about that boy, okay?

You are very right val, I am a victim no more but a survisor. I am even taking care of my mommy today, as she is an invalid and I want to help her and my dad on my day off. I love them both sooo much and just see my mommy as another one of my children.

In working with families I see so many different styles and also things they have gone through in their life. I think this is one of those questions that is very hard to answer as parents are human and we expect a lot of them, just like we expect of people in other professions, teacher, doctors, social workers, etc. In my experience I think parents aren't taught to be parents and we do expect the best out of them. What I have learned from my own loss that I know every parent wants to be a good parent to their child. Some don't handle that role well due to their own experiences.

Teaching, I mostly agree with what you stated with the exception of "every parent wants to be a good parent to their child." I think that is mostly true, but certainly isn't true for the whole. There are parents out there who are completely abusive and I don't think being a good parent is necessarily a priority. There may be some mental illness but in rare cases, there can be just meanness that cannot be explained.

I do believe, however, that my mother did the best that she could under her circumstances. She was not loved and not nurtured by her mother and therefore, she and her brother and sister suffered and in turn, their children did, too.

I love my mother deeply and have found a way to bridge the gap. She, at seventy, is being babied by me. She thrives on this and it makes me feel good that I am giving her something she desperately needs. I cannot expect her to ever grow up. I accept that.

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
I just posted a question concerning my mom and I. I feel she would rather see me dead. Im 53 and ever sinc3e I can remember she never said I love you never gave me anything close to a hug. Recently, I went into surgury and thought it was a dream when I was recovering in the recovery room I woke up and my Mom was sitting there looking at me. When all of sudden I couldn't breathe I say Mom call the Dr Im feeling allover for the button thing to press myself and I keep saying Mom call the Dr I can't breathe. Finally, I ready to passout and say you ing call the Dr I going to die and nothing just staring at me. Then I pass out. Actually, is something that happened to me in the hospital, but I wasn't sure if my mom was there. I'd hope that I was dreaming but didn't know how to find out. I asked my Dr was my mom there and he said it was a good thing she was because I stopped breathing and had to be resusated. A month later I went to the hospital to get the nurses notes of what happened when and 50 or so pages I still couldn't say yes or no. However: now 2years later my Mom and I were taking shots at each other and I said why didn't you call the Dr for me and she says you were so out of it you didn't know what was going on. I repeated why didn't you get someone I couldn't breathe she answers
Steven they knew you were taking pills there. OK I may be a pain pill addict but after surgey I went into rehab. My thinking now which I keep denying really happened is just that she was there and waited and waited while I was not able to breathe and then after I passout she told someone , maybe she waited till she thought I was dead! Upon re reading other answers Im sorry for writing this account of mine. Really Im sorry

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
As a teen who feels like my mom left cause she hates me and my sibblings I would always have questions. On why she will do such a thinng? I need help how would I go to her and ask her why did she do what she did?

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
Listen honey I am only 22 and waching my mom she don't hate us just because you is a singale mom don't mean that you got to be haten on the other mom so shut up and find yourself a man!

Mothers isn't haten they children all right so just shut up yea some people do but stop jugding them will you like if I judged you so stop!:mad:

Do you hate your kids No so that's how the other mothers feel

I have never known a mother to be like this. Most mothers want nothing but the best for their kids, maybe sometimes intentions are a little misguided, but hate? No I doubt it.

Growing up, my father is the one who destroyed me. He said that I wouldn't amount to anything and that he wish he had a son. He'd yell and call me name's and if I cried I was yelled at more. On the other had, my mother has always had a metnal problem. She never had the time to teach me things, to help me. To talk to me. So I think it's more or less, parent's who don't have time to parent and parent's who are mentally unstable should BY LAW not be able to have children. I have depression and stress and will forever due to the thing's I dealed with as a child. I think any parent not able to support their child mentally and physically need to not be parent's.

I don't agree with that one. My partner has severe mental health problems, but that doesn't stop him from being a damn good father to his kids (his five and my two also!) To say anyone mentally unstable shouldn't have kids isn't fair. Not all nutters are incapable of being good parents!

I'm talking mentally at age 10 or something. My dad is mentally 10 his doc said. My mother has Pick's and all her life has been selfish and out of tune with the world. So parent's like that shouldn't have kids. If it disable's you from parenting there is a problem. But also some mentally unstable parent's can't parent, because they may hurt there kid or scar them for life trust me I know. My dad scared me and so did my mom.

This is going to be a long and rambling post, so, apologies!

I'm not a mother, but I am the child of a mother who hates me. I know someone is going to jump on this and say "you dont know the sacrifices she made" etc, but trust me, she made as few as she could. Especially if she could get other people to make those sacrifices instead.

Frankly, she should never have had kids. Or had an abortion when she fell pregnant (at least with me). It would have been better for everyone. I don't say this to be dramatic, it's simply the way things are.

My mother has always resented and disliked myself and my siblings. She gave birth to us, and kept a roof over our heads most of the time, but she never loved us.

My parents divorced when I was two or three, and she did her very best to persuade us that our father didn't love us, and that his new wife didn't want us around either, and admittedly, when he was supposed to take us to his place every other weekend, he often didn't bother and would ring at the last minute to say he wasn't coming to fetch us. She told us that we were an unwelcome intrusion into their lives. She told us all the time that she was the only person who would ever be there for me (not that she was), because I were worthless and unlovable.
Dad never actively disliked us, even if he wasn't there for us most of the time.. My mother did however.

She was always very honest about it, I have to give her that. She never tried to hide that she didn't like, me, and in fact has repeatedly said for as long as I remember, that she hates me and wishes I was never born. "You ruined my life" is one of the more common refrains.

She used to ignore us when we were little, and left us to our own devices. She would stay in bed all day then either go out and party all night, or have parties at our house (which was really my grandfather- her fathers) which were generally all night affairs, involving a lot of alcohol and various drugs and frankly dodgy guests. We lived in the country a long way from neighbours, so the music would be pumped up as loud as the stereo could handle. For a long time, I couldn't sleep without music playing as a consequence, I was so used to the sound. Oddly enough, my happiest memories are of that time- The house was always full of people, and I played with my uncle's friends who were only really sixteen to eighteen years of age themselves- little more than kids themselves.

In school she told me that my friends were not really my friends, that they were nasty to me behind my back and that she was the only ally I would ever have. Perhaps they did occasionally turn on me, that's just playground politics, but I became hopelessly shy, and ended up letting other children treat me badly and not defend myself because I was convinced that I deserved no better. I was a smart kid, and a teacher suggested putting me in an accellerated learning programme, which meant I would have skipped ahead a few years, where I would have been more challenged my my lessons (which I wasn't in my age group) but Mum refused it, even when another family member offered to pay for any extra tuition and buy my text books. When I became involved in the local theatre's drama school, it was a school friend's mother who paid for the first semester's study, and after that, when I wanted to continue it, I was again, not allowed. I ended up coming to an arrangement with the owner of the theatre, whereby I would assist in the special-needs group instead of paying for lessons. That suited my mother fine, because she was what she called a 'recreation officer' for disability services in the region, and she could make a big deal about how good she was at putting me to socially responsible after school work, even though she had nothing to do with the arrangement.

It sounds childish, but we never had any possessions of our own. Everything we had we were made to share with any stranger who mum happened to have in the house, and often she gave our toys and things away to friends children, saying that we didn't mind. Of course, we did, but we didn't have a choice. Even out clothes were given away. Our house was shared with several families, and the few things we kids had were considered fair game for anyone who wanted it. Even my kitten, (given to me by a friend of my grandmother's) was considered a toy that had to be shared- one of the other families' children tried to drown it, and I was still expected to let that child take her, even if I was patting or cuddling her, after they had harmed her. It was made clear that myself and my siblings owned nothing, and everything we had could be taken away from us.

It's not just myself and my siblings that she manipulates.

(cont next post)

(cont from prev post)

... She also gathered up for herself legal power of attourney (and convinced them to let her organise their wills) over some of her family members, including her younger brother (who has property) and her mother (who owns her own home, has a little money and whom I live with). And a few years ago, she tried to get power of attourney over her sister (who co-incidentally, is rather wealthy), while she was close to death in hospital, and when her sister refused, she told her sister's stalker ex-boyfriend where she was and told him he was allowed to see her in hospital- which he was certainly not welcome to do. When her younger brother, my uncle, told her he was going to change his will, and out of the blue asked me to act as trustee for a family trust he wanted to set up (which was probably only a whim) , she decided I had been trying to turn him against her and then set about turning him against me, and openly telling me about it. I didn't bother rising to it, but she did succeed to a point, (which wasn't hard really because he is paranoid through a combination of brain damage, mental illness and habitual drug use) but he realised it was happening. She did already bully him into dropping the scheme, as she threatened to use her power of attourney to take more control over his finances, and make him come to her for an allowance which she could give or withhold as she wished.

At one point, when I was thirteen or fourteen, she had a boyfriend who I disliked extremely. He used to try and kiss me, and several times pinned me down on the couch and stuck his tongue in my ear and generally molested me- I would run away and was physically ill whenever he was around. When I told my mother, she accused me of lying and said I was just trying to break them up. Because I was jealous of her.
I used to make sure my little sister, who was much younger than me was never left alone in a room with him, because I couldn't bear the idea of something happening to her as well.

She is an alcoholic who refuses to acknowledge it, and insists that she only has a couple of glasses of wine a night, when in actual fact she usually drinks two or three bottles. Invariably, she gets drink and verbally abusive, or worse, if there are people around (for example, at a party) she gets drunk and then wails, moans and cries to get attention, and fawning on anyone male, including my the boyfriends of my sister and myself- if we have them at the time. When she gets fall-down drunk like that, it is incredibly embarrasing- not just for us, her kids, but for our friends, who generally make their excuses and leave.
I've had to put her to bed drunk, ever since I was a kid. Even now, I still sometimes have to, and I don't even live with her!

Her last boyfriend (who was a stereotypical pill-popping raver) introduced her to various pills and powders which she took up with enthusiam, so that he'd like her and think she was cool and with it.

She is a liar and thief (who possibly doesn't even realise she is), who tries to con money out of my siblings and I, and even tried to make me 'pay her back' for my schooling, which in fact, she had never paid for in the first place- she never does anything for anybody unless there is something in it for her, and she has always made a profit by taking advantage of government welfare payments as a sole parent, most of which was promptly spent on alcohol, or treats for herself, while neglecting to get anything but the very cheapest bare essentials for us. She even used to keep separate loaves of bread- the old stuff the baker sold in garbage bags meant for chicken feed for a dollar for us, and more expensive gourmet style loaves for herself. All hell broke loose if we ever cut from the wrong loaf. I think she actually measured the bread to make sure it hadn't been used by us!

She always made my chronically asthmatic brother stand out in the cold and damp outside at night when he suffered attacks, which invariably worsened them to the point where he required hospitalisation, and often wouldn't buy him his medication, saying it cost too much, and it was all in his head. Several times, he was expected to die in hospital, and and it is only due to the efforts of dedicated doctors and nurses that he is alive today. After getting home, she usually would yell at him for making her drive to the hospital.

She has always been promiscuous, and this has led to the only relationship she had with a truly decent man breaking down, although she has always blamed us, her children, and in particular, me, for the failed relationship. In spite of him telling her exactly *why* he was breaking up with her. At one point, she had a hysterectomy so she could not fall pregnant again (shortly after the birth of my sister) and told me (I was maybe eight at the time) that it was because Dad had given her cervical cancer.

She was convinced I was a slut, even though I had never had a boyfriend (and had never had one until I was 22). When I was fifteen, a boy who was a friend of the family, who's entire family happened to be living with ours asked me out and I declined (because that would be like dating your brother... just weird!) but he told some of his friends I slept with him, and Mum believed it, and screamed at me, then broke off her friendship with the boy's mother, who also believed it and told me I was a slut. I told them it was untrue, but even to this day, she doesn't believe it.

I moved out of home at sixteen, or rather, I was packed off to live with my grandmother (who I've lived on and off with ever since) after mentally collapsing under the pressure of years of mental and physical abuse at the hands of my uncle (who is a mean drunk) and mother, and then found out that not everyone lives that way. Not all parents treat their children as servants or scapegoats. In fact, I've never met anyone who's mother was anything like ours! If I hadn't gone to live with my grandmother, I would have killed myself long ago. Ever since then, she has not bothered to make contact with me unless she wants something. I see her quite regularly as she sees my grandmother (who I'm living with again- gosh I love my Narnie it's my grandmother's pet name) every week as they play cards, and once a fortnight it is at our house.

Unfortunately, my mother took psychology classes, and uses the knowledge she gained in it specifically to manipulate others, particularly us, her children. It makes it incredibly hard to work out why she hates us, because she knows exactly how to play people and always gives the impression to others when meeting them that she is a dedicated, loving and self sacrificing touchy-feely mother. At the same time, she tries to set myself and my siblings against each other, but it never works, because we are very close- having really just raised ourselves. When I was diagnosed as having major depressive disorder, and borderline bi-polar, she was furious at the doctors who diagnosed it, saying they should have their licences to practise revoked, and that she was going to complain- she actually wanted them to lose their jobs! She pressured me to tell her their names and practises, which I naturally refused (they shouldn't have to suffer because of her) because I wasn't allowed to be depressed, if you can believe it. It might make her look like a bad mother after she had spent a long time fostering her caring image, as far as the rest of the world was concerned (although there are plenty of people who saw through that).

She recently became engaged to a man (who is very nice, but suffers from sever trauma from his time in the vietnam war) and now does everything she can when he's around to give that motherly impression, but as soon as he leaves the room, the act is dropped. Recently, my grandmother has been quite ill, and has had major surgery, and my mother had begun telling people that I only live with my grandmother because I'm trying to get my hands on her money when she dies. It's horrifying. I know that my friends don't believe her, but her new fiancé does, and so do her friends. My uncle and brother recently told me that she is also trying to turn my grandmother against me, by telling her repeatedly that I don't like her, and that I'm taking advantage of her by living here (apparently she doesn't understand the concept of rent/board arrangements), that I'm not paying the rent, and that I'm only after her money. So far the only success she's had was getting Narnie to complain about lack of rent paid, which stopped once I showed her my bank statement which showed the money transfers that I've been making into her account.

I turned twenty five a few days ago, and I still try to get past all this mental rubbish, but I just can't seem able to. I'm far too broke for a shrink. My few personal relationships have failed because I don't display emotion and affection well and come off as very cold. I have practically no self esteem (which I am fully aware of), and dislike sex, mostly because the whole issue makes me feel so very vulnerable that it's frightening- even though I know that none of this "no-one could ever love you, you are so worthless" stuff is really true, I can't help but believe, deep down that it is. I am an empty shell of a person. I have no tolerance for hysterics or emotional displays, and I don't trust anyone or share what I feel. There have been several times when the only thing keeping me from killing myself is that she would use it to fuel her martyr routine, and use it to manipulate my siblings and grandmother. And I don't ever want to have children myself, in case I am no better as a parent.

If you don't have what it takes to put a child first in your life, don't become a parent, because if you are a parent, you are going to have to do that at least once.

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.



Dear marie,

I am twice your age and have lived your nightmare . After all these years I still .cannot do anything to please my mom, who now is 82. My suggestion to you would be get a nice lady therapist and move on like your doing, it is not worth spending a lifetime trying to get the love you will never get. I'm 56 and my mom can make me feel like a worthless child in about 30 seconds being in the room with her. Don't suffer like I did, distance yourself from her for your own sanity and young life to live.

Its possible, but hate is a strong word and those mothers sometimes have Munchausen syndrome (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munchausen_syndrome) or another psychological disease which may cause the mother to THINK she hates her child, but it isn't necessarily true that she does.

That being said, I came from an abusive/neglective household, so I can empathize with your feelings. My mother sometimes claimed to "hate" me but when I'd try and break ties, she'd run back. I think lots of mom's have trouble with their kids growing up, possibly "outshining" them with their successes, etc. Mine still makes horrible comments because I put myself through college, yet she thinks it was a waste. Personally, I think its selfish thinking because she regrets not doing the same. I think she percieves me as not needing her anymore, so does hurtful things to make me realize she still has power over me. Mothers can be weird.

Anyway, those types of mom's have serious problems that need professional help. Its never the child's fault when a parent is abusive or hateful. Adult children are still adults though, so its important to respect parents who sometimes feel like that's been lost. Rise above it!

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.


I personally don't know of any mothers that hate their children (only what I have read in a few books), nor would I want too!

You should read...and maybe you have, "The Boy Called IT".....it is truely an amazing, yet disgusting, heartwrenching true story of what this child endured for so many years at the hands of his mother and the CPS system that ignored him while he was lost in. How he ever made it is beyond me.

The most amazing thing is that HE FORGIVES his mother for all that she has done.....which I suppose may seem impossible to me, but this may be the only way for him to move on and try to live a somewhat normal life. Maybe thats part of the answer for some.

If you haven't read it, you should. I am sure there are other books out there too, written by those that have actually experienced this... I'm sure any info/light that they can shed would be invaluable, as would support groups of this kind, or even mental health experts experienced in that field. I myself have no clue as to the WHY's a mother would actually hate any of her children. Thats all I have for now. Good luck hun in trying to understand. ((hugz))

I'm a mother of 3 grown children. I cannot for the life of me understand why "any" mother would treat her child in that manner. No it isn't normal. Narcissism is more like it.

It took me years to finally realize that the reason my adoptive "mother" beat the hell out of me and verbally and emotionally abused me was because she truly hated me.

I wasn't even adopted because I was wanted. She just got my brother and me as charity cases. She really did love her 2 biological children, but my face and honestly my existence drove her into a blind rage on a regular basis. She even admitted to treating me worse because she said I was "hard to reach". What a crock of sh*t!

But I have seen the toxic behavior of other mothers, and it is usually directed toward their daughters. I think that they don't want to see their daughters succeed where they have failed. And there is also the jealousy factor. Toxic mothers can be jealous of their daughters' youth, beauty, and success and will verbally undermine them when given the chance. Women in general can be terrible creatures.

In the animal kingdom, some animal mothers will eat their young or will feed one offspring to the other. I don't think humans are much more evolved.

I think there are two things that are going on - unrelated.

One is that the mothers are depressed. Being a mother can be very isolating and depleting unless the mother understands that she has to maintain her friendships and some fulfilling activities of her own, and teaches and implores her family to treat her like a human being. I think a lot of moms are critical and dismissive of their family members because when people are depressed, they act depressive, including being crabby, short, critical and negative.

The other phenomenon is that mother's feel a need to be involved in their children's lives and when they grow older and start exerting some independence, they aren't sure how to cut the apron strings. They call you at work, and play "devil's advocate" ("don't let one good grade get to your head - you need a whole semester of them"... or, "it's a little early to celebrate - you've lost the 5 pounds which is good but you have 45 to go!"). They do this kind of stuff, which can cut their child (of any age) off at the knees, because a mother's greatest fear is that her children will not be alert to things in the world that can go wrong and be destructive to them. When she can no longer be there all the time, she unloads all the things she's protected her children from up to that point on the child in the form of unsolicited comments about things that can go wrong, can be dangerous, can steer them in the wrong direction... It's her way of continue to be a mother and it comes from love and fear, not hatred at all.

If your mother is doing this to you, as both a Mom and an adult daughter who's been through this with my own mother, I would suggest that you do two things. First, instill confidence in your mom by demonstrating on a regular basis that you make well-considered, safe, positive choices - live your life in a healthy, positive way and move in a positive direction. Second, be patient. When you were four and singing the same song relentlessly in the back seat of the car; or when you were in high school and your giddy, immature friends were disturbing her quiet home; or when you were a sick baby and she had to nurse you and wait for you to stop crying - for hours or day - she showed terrific patience. Now, you owe it back to her. It's hard to let go, to trust that your child will be safe, and it feels like neglect to us Moms to do it. Give us a little time, know we mean well, and know we sometimes can't help it!

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
It think that is horrible and if I have a child I promise to never do that.

I think the day I realized my mom couldn't care less about me, really hurt and still does. Years went by with me arguing over me saying that she doesn't care and her saying that's not what she said and don't put words in her mouth. Then she would say that Im paranoid. This went on for so long, Im 54 now and its only last year that I finally stopped arguing because I wasn't paranoid and she didn't care if I lived or died. How did I know? Well put it this way.Last year I went into the hospital for knee surgery in the recovery room I started to stop being able to breathe and she just sat there staring at me I yelled at her as best as I could when I woke up I thought it was a dream. My mom went to get help after I passed out.

Having children does not make you a mother...that makes you able to have children

Being a mother is so much more then giving birth. Mothers are best friends, cheerleaders, caregivers, a shoulder to cry on, support, love unconditionally, mediator, rule maker and so much more.

Just because someone has a child does not mean that they are a mom...unfortuately that is the sad truth.
My mum pretty much abandomed me at birth, in her mind she did not, but leaving me with abusive babysitters, letting me get involved in drugs, encourage alcohol and smoking cigarettes should have been a red light for any outsider looking in, i.e.. Social services. She seems to think the children that I have bourne are somehow hers and now wants to show a mothering nature, her actions in my opinion are way too late. When she looks at me she looks at me with contempt and anything I do have to say about my unbringing is ignored and she does not want to discuss it, this in the longterm has in actual fact made me really hate my mother which is surely a negative feeling to have. When I explained things that have happened to me during my growing up she does not want to listen and has excuses for the people who have treated me with abuse in the past, surely any mother would explain to her child that these actions were wrong, as I would with my children. It really has come to the point that I question why I have missing teeth, tattoos and a wart up my nose - unfortunately for me I have no answers from this dumbfounded woman who proclaims to be my mother - surely if you look up the word mother in the dictionary the word nurturing would be one of its meanings. My brother who looks more like my mother i.e. a huge nose and scarey blue eyes is absolutely the apple and can do nothing wrong and is especially extremely boring as she is, i.e. boardering on a demented wet nurse who cannot socialise with anyone above the age of 10 years. Ultimately I find rejecting people can enforce a dislike for others of such characters but of course this is unjust and unfair although I really cannot bring myself to date to have anything at all in common with this woman, she also makes an infuriating noise when eating, and is a complete overaged nymphamaniac, with serious sexual health problems.

The message posted about undeserving mothers sounds as if it has been written to maybed a woman who's children have left home or maybe a woman who does not have any children. Before making acquasation you should really look at all circumstances i.e.. Are they mentally impared children in the household, is there in fact enough living space, or are the children in fact on top of each other, does the family have any money, does the mother have to work all hours, is the mother a refugee, does the mother have any friends who help etc... Is the mother racially abused etc, like being made fun of i.e. looking like a fairy and totally useless of anything other than looking good... tut tut to your sent email you sound like to me you could be a potential kidnapper of children if you have so much contempt towards mothers or you are a gay father who cannot actually experience the pains of labours and the immedicate connection a mother and child have. I would like to say finally that I disagree totally with your statement.

This response from the
disagree totallyperson, is disturbing. You sound like you're a mom with a kid who hates you. Where did you get your knowledge, certainly you haven't read all the threads above and is thinking we are making this up.

I strongly believe its' oneself spirt that would bring out the lack of support of parenthood and place upon another.which ever it maybe.. but at the end the child would bring this attitude into their generations. At 19 I gave my child to it's father knowing I look at my family at that time for support. At 19 had an unfaithful and you name it marriage. I knew at that time I didn't want to struggle,with the strong feeling I didn't feel or have love for the child I didn't want these feeling to exculade into something worst. My family wouldn't help me that I needed time to get my thoughts together but I didn't want to be like my sisters and stay in the same type of marriage. I knew I made my descission and to this day never regretted it .I did what was best for the child and 28 years later not seeing him but knowing he had a closer family his father side and well educated.And all I can say to the father is thank-you

To the moms who allowed their child's father to take custody of the child--

I say you are brave and honest and are true mothers. It takes a strong woman to admit that the bond may not be there, or that she doesn't feel that she would be the best parent for the child. That's true love. It's like giving your baby up for adoption, in a sense.

If only other mothers would do the same if they truly felt that they didn't want to be mothers. Then there wouldn't be so many of us children in the world who had been wounded (physically and mentally) by women who wouldn't admit to themselves that mothering wasn't for them. There's nothing in the world wrong with not reproducing. And should you use your reproducing equipment, you don't have to keep your offspring. There are plenty of people in the world who will "mother" your child for you. There's no shame in that.

People glorify that "mothering instinct". But in reality, it doesn't exist. Sure, our bodies go through physiological changes when we give birth which allow us to keep our offspring alive (through breastfeeding). We also have "nurturing" hormones, but I believe that mothering is taught. Even in the animal kingdom, among primates, they will kill their offspring if they haven't been taught to nurture.

There is a "dark side" to mothering that people don't talk about, and I really am glad to see that there are those of you out there who are willing to discuss it. Even for mothers who want to keep their children, sometimes the bond doesn't happen for months or years. But if they dared mention that to anyone, they would be outcasts.

But for the women who truly hate their children, I have no sympathy for them. As I mentioned in a previous post, I had a "mother" like that. And she adopted me. I grew up under the spell of another myth that I was "wanted". And that I had been "selected". Total bullsh*t. She had two children and wanted to share the "Lord's blessings" with the less fortunate. Well, if the "lord's blessings" meant being slapped so hard that I couldn't see anything out of my left eye, losing clumps of hair because she pulled so much of it out, or being covered with bruises from beatings with a belt or a stick, then I guess I was "chosen".

I think that my mother hated me from birth. I was her second child in 11 months and I think she resents the extra work I caused her. Nothing I did was right, she blatantly favored my siblings, and by the time I left home I had the self esteem of a gnat.

But leaving was the best thing that ever happened. Once I was alone, taking care of my daughter I realized that I wasn't the problem - SHE was. Now that she's getting older and I have the only grandkids - she wants her "mommy" role back. We talk, but she isn't a true priority in my life. I love my mother, but I pity her as well, because she will always be miserable. Some people are just like that. Sometimes you just have to let it all go - no matter what you do or say or try - you can never please parents like that. Yearning for their love is not only a waste of time but hurtful and unproductive. Learn to love yourself.

BTW - I don't hate my kids, but sometimes I really, really don't like them! Lol

THIS IS FROM A MOM. I am going to assume that at least some of the other posts are from MEN, i.e., NOT MOMS.

First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom.

But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that.... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY.

Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. you enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get thru it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. ...

I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it.

So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did...

I'm sorry, but I am a bit amazed at this person's answer. First of all, Angela asked a great question. There are abusive mothers in this world and I think she was referring to that kind of mother, certainly not all mothers.

I believe most of what this person said is how the arrival of her child took the attention away from her. And that there was suddenly a role to play for which there was little gratitude. Well, you shouldn't be in competition with a baby for attention to begin with. And you can't expect children to be grateful on the same level that only adults can. And I do feel for your need to be acknowledged for your efforts as a mother. That's a biggie! But kids can't do that very well.

Children are innocent, they don't ask to be here. If it diminishes you to have a child, that is your problem to work out. Not the child's. And to say everyone forgets all about you once the child is born is one of the most narcissistic statements a person could make.

To say you will never be "you" again is rubbish. You are always you. Maybe you have to play a new role, but it comes with the territory. That your child forgets your name and you are now "Mom" is normal. I's the only way children are capable of relating to you - as mom. So what? If you think you are going to get a comfortable friendship and unending gratitude, forget it. Your child may never be the ideal friend and might not be so grateful at times. You are supposed to figure out who they are and encourage that in them. Not the other way around! And gratitude is modeled. If you want it, show them how to be grateful. If you are looking for thanks, it will come later.

Your children can't be expected to nurture your needs by keeping out of the limelight. It isn't natural. Its weird you are afraid they will take attention from you. How is that possible? They are not conniving to rob you of attention. They are focused on growing up. And besides. It's normal for people to lavish attention on children. In fact, from an anthropological point of view, it's necessary for our race to survive.

I think you are very wounded. And you should take care of those wounds. I am so sorry your mom was hard on you. So was mine. And that leaves people like us with little to work with in some ways. But even when kids are being selfish and demanding and rotton. It's their time to figure out what the world is all about. You had your time as a child. Don't take their childhood from them. Give them the tools to work it out.

One of the hardest things as a mother is that you need time for yourself. And I think you really need some regular time with your friends. Your friends can celebrate the you who isn't "mom". Not your children. It is very difficult to be all day long taking care of children. They have many needs.

I am a mother. I have a child. I knew she would be a pain at times. And that was okay. I kept telling her in many ways how glad I was that she was born. Mainly because I got the opposite message. A message very much like what you wrote. That I was an intrusion. And that I didn't make my mother happy. Telling my daughter that I was so happy she was born was really all I had to give her. I was determined that my child would know she had value in this universe. And apparently it was enough because she really appreciates me now.

I think you are expecting too much adultness from your children. And that you want to be the child and force them to be the adult.

This resentment can turn into many things. Martyrdom, which you note is full of. Cruelty, which a lot of the women posting on this board have endured to the point of terrible difficulty. And then there is the mother who simply has apathy for her children. All of it is borne out of resentment and anger toward children for "taking" something from the mother.

Such things hurt children very badly. Because it's all about the mother's emotional needs. And they want the child to make it better or get lost. It's called Narcissism. The focus is supposed to be on the children. Not you, and I think that is probably a huge issue for you. Getting others to focus on you and having your needs met as a child would. So, you act like a martyr to get that attention anyhow. Don't turn your kids into a resource to feed that. Stop with the "I'm so unappreciated." Focus on giving to them. Teach them how to problem solve, give them encouragement and tell them how important THEY are every day. Show them how to give to others through charity. It develops compassion and compassion inspires gratitude. Then they will be grateful for the charity you show them.

Otherwise they are going to feel like they were raised by wolves - always having to fend for themselves because Mom is unavailable in a real way. And that isn't fair.

Sorry if this was harsh, but I wanted to speak out my truth. I just couldn't subscribe to some of what you said.

SI

wallabee4--

It sounds like you were unappreciated in your journey as a mother. That said, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with what those of us went through who were abused and truly hated by our mothers.

Sure, you may get tired and stressed, but does it ever justify threatening your child with a knife? I sure don't ever do that to my three girls, but my mother certainly did it to me.

I know that you get tired of wiping butts and passing out pieces of your own snack to the little moochers behind you in the car, but have you ever hit one of them so hard that it left a bruise that covered the entire left side of her face? My mother sure did that to me. Plus, she made me tell people I fell on the trampoline, or else she would kill me.

I admit that I do get offended when people don't like to acknowledge that mothers can be abusive to their children. But what really gets to me is the idea that "whatever she does, she does it because of her ungrateful children". It's this myth of unblemished mothering perfection that thrives on the notion of sacrifice and the lack of personal fulfillment that makes people look the other way when they see or hear of a child being abused. "Mama was a good lady, and if she beat us, it was because we had it comin'". Our culture thrives on mother-worship, even in these days where a woman drowns her five children. We want to blame something. A condition. Duress. No one wants to admit that women, mothers, can be just as violent as men.

Walking a mile my mother's shoes wouldn't accomplish anything. There is no understanding or compassion for a person like her or any of the mothers of the people on this post who mistreated their children.

Of course there is a difference when you're talking about moms who may yell at their kids from having a bad day, but they make up for it when they realize that what they did was wrong. But my mother and the mothers of the other posters didn't do that. They used us as their "punching bags" as abusers often do. They pick one child, usually, as their object of torture. And they often leave the other children alone. It's the sweet, soft-tempered child that the evil parent exploits and ruins psychologically.

So regardless of what your own personal experience was with your own mother or with being a mother yourself, your story is nothing like what we have endured. I'm sorry that you have felt that people have ignored you once you have given birth, but if you expected to be the center of attention in life after giving birth, or at any other time, then you may have some serious personality issues that need to be addressed in psychotherapy. And I don't mean this in a rude or nasty way.

I wish you the best.

~I have been lucky enough to have a supportive, wonderful mother. Up until a few months ago, I took this for granted, that is until I saw firsthand how my boyfriends mother treats him.
~He is an amazing father of two, has both of his children, works and goes to school. His mother is a control freak and has taken over the life of his children while he was living there so she could "help" him out while he finishes school.
~ She tells his children that daddy is an , a troublemaker and basically nothing good. I have never heard her say anything nice about him, except once, she said he took good care of his toys when he was a boy. She claims all he cares about is his "stupid school".
~ When she discovered how serious we were, and that we were planning to get a home together with the children, she filed for custody of his children. When we left with the kids, she got a temporary order of custody, siting that he was a drug dealer and that she "fears for the lives of her grandchildren." This is a blatant lie and she knows that. She did it because she hates not having control of him and his children. The police and herself took them from my home kicking and screaming.
~ For Twenty days now, he has only been allowed supervised visitation (by her) and I have not seen the children at all in this time, as she told the judge that she does not want me at her house. This is COURT ORDERED! We go back on Tuesday of this week, hopefully we will come home with the children.
~ I do not know why she is this way except that she is psycologically unstable and a control freak. She has been this way forever he claims, and after several years of counseling, he is the man I love today. I do feel bad for him.
~ My family is now his surrogate family, they have not gotten to see the children either, they have gotten quite attatched. My family is helping us out, and are in our corner every step of the way.
~ It IS TRUE,mothers can genuinely hate their children. I have seen it first hand with this unstable woman.

~I have been lucky enough to have a supportive, wonderful mother. Up until a few months ago, I took this for granted, that is until I saw firsthand how my boyfriends mother treats him.
~He is an amazing father of two, has both of his children, works and goes to school. His mother is a control freak and has taken over the life of his children while he was living there so she could "help" him out while he finishes school.
~ She tells his children that daddy is an , a troublemaker and basically nothing good. I have never heard her say anything nice about him, except once, she said he took good care of his toys when he was a boy. She claims all he cares about is his "stupid school".
~ When she discovered how serious we were, and that we were planning to get a home together with the children, she filed for custody of his children. When we left with the kids, she got a temporary order of custody, siting that he was a drug dealer and that she "fears for the lives of her grandchildren." This is a blatant lie and she knows that. She did it because she hates not having control of him and his children. The police and herself took them from my home kicking and screaming.
~ For Twenty days now, he has only been allowed supervised visitation (by her) and I have not seen the children at all in this time, as she told the judge that she does not want me at her house. This is COURT ORDERED!! We go back on Tuesday of this week, hopefully we will come home with the children.
~ I do not know why she is this way except that she is psycologically unstable and a control freak. She has been this way forever he claims, and after several years of counseling, he is the man I love today. I do feel bad for him.
~ My family is now his surrogate family, they have not gotten to see the children either, they have gotten quite attatched. My family is helping us out, and are in our corner every step of the way.
~ It IS TRUE,mothers can genuinely hate their children. I have seen it first hand with this unstable woman.

Does he have an attorney? How could she prove he was a drug dealer? How would a judge sign an order granting custody with no proof? Does she have friends who work in Social Services? Is there something in your past that she has a problem with?

She does sound toxic. Not only does she hate him, but it sounds like she hates YOU too.

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
Please read this... does she worry about you? Does she cook for you? Does she care for you if you are sick? Does she try to talk with you? Is she there? Does she get mad? Does she push you? These, to me are all signs of love, they just don't feel that way to kids or young adults. Give life time to show you how she loves you. If she's abusive physically or verbally be-littles you, then by all means pull away. But if she's trying to get your attention about some other issues, listen! You may not see it now, but she's probably right on the money with what she's trying to get you to listen to.

Does he have an attorney? How could she prove he was a drug dealer? How would a judge sign an order granting custody with no proof? Does she have friends who work in Social Services? Is there something in your past that she has a problem with?

She does sound toxic. Not only does she hate him, but it sounds like she hates YOU too.

~ I donnot know why this woman continues to have "temporary custody" of the children. We went to court today and got "unsupervised overnight visits" with the children. Her attorney backed out on her, today was the last appearance for the attorney.
~ We have gotten a three bedroom apartment for us and the children, law guardian approved, but alas, they are still with her. Yes, she does hate me, his 4 year old daughter told me so.
~ The judge assumed that her lawyer wouldn't push such terrible allegations unles they were true, at least that's his explanation about that. He seems like a whack job to me.
~ We do have an attorney, he is a good one so it seems, a former CPS law guardian. We also have about 15 statements from third party sources, both character references for him and her.
~ She cannot prove he is a drug dealer, because he isn't a drug dealer. We got a statement from my neighbors saying there isn't heavy traffic in and out of my home, but other than that I don't know how to prove he isn't a drug dealer. The law guardian dosen't believe it anyway.
~ They are combining the two children's cases, they were not combined in the first place I guess because there are two separate mothers maybe? One mother has not been in her sons life, has not seen him in 7 years because she cannot deal with the grandmother. She fears that the grandmother will try to take her 3 boys away, as she has threatened such. She is right by our side in this matter, and looking forward to meeting her son. He has asked about her several times, but his grandmother has nothing nice to say about her ("your mommy does drugs" is not a nice thing to say to any 8 year old.) The other mother lives 1500 miles away, is nowhere to be found, and wants noting to do with her daughter. She refuses to give an actual address or send a statement or anything. My guess is because there is a warrant out for contempt of court on her for not paying child support. My boyfriend has signed statements saying she no longer has to pay child support, it is back support charged by the state ofFlorida that she is in trouble for. Ironically they both have the same name, Randi.
~ Today we are taking as a win though. I get to see the kids finally, after 20 long days, it will be 23 by the time I accually see them. I can picture the look on his daughters face when she sees me, that gets me through.
~ The grandmother is dealing with abandonment and control issues no doubt. She wants my boyfriend to move back to her home (so she can control him again I assume) but he is resisting. December 17th is the next date, she is dragging this on as long as she can... but hopefully we get them back permanently at that time. This is their father and they are his life. Wish us luck!

Athenamia-

So sorry this is happening.

I hope I didn't sound like I was saying your boyfriend was a drug dealer. I was just wondering how she would be able to make accusations and have them acted on. Any other court system would have to make her prove it. It sounds like you are in an area that doesn't function properly in the area of the civil court system.

She sounds like a total nutcase. I wonder if it worked out that you could make accusations against her that she is insane. You know, actually tell the truth to the judge that she is doing whatever she can to keep her son from raising his children, and that she's been under psychiatric care (therapy) in the past. You never know.

Ask your boyfriend to write down all of the horrible things she has said to him and the children. And you do the same if you can. Especially comments that she has said about you to the children. These are psychologically damaging to the children. Especially when she tries to win the children's loyalty. The fact that she is badmouthing a person the children have bonded with should look bad to the judge. Try to put a date to the comments if you can. That will show that she does not have the "best interests of the children" in mind. And that is what the court is supposed to be looking out for. Try to record phone calls and messages if you can. Take notes of your conversations.

And for goodness sakes, you guys have to act like complete angels. Don't move in with him. Don't let her ever prove that you spend the night there. The custodial parent is not legally supposed to sleep with anyone he/she isn't married to when there are children present in the home. Don't smoke or drink around the kids (or let anyone see you do it). Don't go to clubs/bars. Act like a nun and tell him to act like a priest. I know it sounds severe, but it will help, I promise. Always make sure they are in car seats or booster seats until they are 80 pounds. Feed them nutritious food (I'm sure you do these things anyway).

That way if she doesn't do any of those things, you can get her for endangering their safety and health). She's already endangering their psychological health. I'm surprised there hasn't been a psych evaluation for everyone yet. What kind of court system is this?

Good luck.

Thanks... We are working on it. I do have documentation dates and times even of her manic outbursts... Not sure they are being put to proper use by the court though.

My mom is elderly now. There is a lot of unresolved conflict in our relationship and I am afraid how it will affect me when she finally passes away. Then there will be no chance to work anything through. Most of it stems from the fact that she was not very keen on children who had hurt feelings. She was only comfortable with children who were socially comfortable for her to be around.

And that was a bit of a problem because my oldest brother was physically ill and very cruel. So, it left me with nobody to go to for help. He was not sexually abusive, just very tormenting and cruel in whatever way can be imagined. My father was detached and in another universe, so help from him was useless. My father chose to ignore it and my mother chose to blame us for the abuse rather than work with the situation.

My brother did things to torture and frighten us. He laughed at us, mocked us if he felt like it. Hit us and hurt us when we were all younger. It was terrible. Hateful or mocking looks. As we aged, it was a constant mix of mental and emotional cruelty with physical abuse. He used imagined slights as his justification. You could tell as he started to ramp up with his awful glare, or heavy sigh and belittling remark. Then it would progress into days of torture until he felt we had been punished enough. Not letting us forget that he was all powerful. Then, a day or two later, he would use some innocent behavior as justification to start the torture again. It might be a refusal to do exactly as he ordered, or he would simply create a reason and start punishing. I remember it got so bad I didn't even have to look at him to know he was there. That heaviness that was always about me ready to hurt me badly. And, yes. I know how sick he was. No need to go into that. We actually understand what he did. But what hurts me so is how unsupportive and cutting my mother was toward the rest of us over it. How vicious she could be if you complained.

My mom chose to believe we teased him and asked for it. I can assure you that there was no glory or victory to be had in teasing this person. There was no winning. Only surviving from one day to the next. But we were ordered to get along with him. Abandoned and expected to act like adults or reap the consequences of his wrath. There was no intervention, except for her getting mad at him, which was like swatting an elephant with a feather duster.

The more I cried out, the more my mother distained me. I needed her to say to him, "This is my daughter and you are hurting her. I don't want you to hurt her." Even if she had to say that 100 times. What would it have cost her? Really? He would have pouted and eventually stopped or fought with her until he gave up. But because he knew how to play the system, and she didn't want to deal with him it went on for years on end.

It's a daily agony. I am awash with feelings of fear and anger and being unsafe, although he has now died. Feeling very sad that she blames me for my own demise. Remembering her yelling at me for making a "big deal" out of things.

And as an adult, it cuts just as deeply as it did when I was a child. I am honestly so confused by my mother's actions. And I am very angry she made me responsible for the way he treated me. It doesn't seem right for a mother to do that.

I keep thinking that if she were subjected to it for even two weeks like I was, her perspective would be entirely different. And I know she would have taken measures to stop him. But because it wasn't her, it's not real. I wish I had a dollar for every time she got mad and said, "Just ignore it!".

And now, there is no broaching the subject with her or she gets mad and ridicules me for bringing it up, throws my complaints back in my face and brings it around to how I have hurt her. She laughs at my sincerity when I try to tell her how I honestly feel and that if I hurt her I am sorry. But she takes anything that deviates from pretending its all okay as an insult. She is too old now to risk getting upset. It's not good for her at this age.

This is hard because she probably won't live for many more years and I want to resolve these issues before she dies. Sometimes I do just fine. Other times I am overwhelmed with grief that there seems no way to put the sadness to rest.

I know there were other situations which displayed how backwards she was. If something didn't work out too well in my life, she didn't tell me why it didn't impress her or help me understand what the pitfalls were. Are you kidding?? She just disrespected me all the more for not magically "knowing" how to be a success. And my successes were not acknowledged, though I had a number of them.

I have talked to counselors about this. And I have gotten through a lot of the issues with my brother. Some people have chided me and told me to be thankful I had a mom to take care of me. They have no idea what I am talking about. I love my mother dearly and appreciate all she has done, which is quite a lot.

But I was still punished for deviating from the family script. For making waves with my problems. And believe me. It was severe emotional punishment. She has never celebrated who I really am - which shows how detached she was from the trauma I was going through. It was all so conditional!

Please feel free to leave encouragement. I need it because I know she will pass on soon and I want to be prepared.

*** Since writing this yesterday I have found information on sibling abuse. All my instincts are correct. We should have been protected. There should have been action to help my brother and to set boundaries on his behavior. There is no crime in crying out the truth, as my mother always punished me for doing. I do feel better. I started at this address

Sasian - Sibling Abuse Survivors' Information & Advocacy Network (http://www.sasian.org/)

It is the Sibling Abuse Survivor's Information and Advocacy Network! It has great links and info.


SI

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
Well , I can tell you that I have a mother that has done all she can do to make my life miserable, but I am a strong person and always came out okay, which she hates. She does love my sister and has given her everything she needs and wants, meanwhile in turn she has tried to destroy me to the point where she would hope I would die. I do not understand why, I was the first born and have never been in serious trouble and even without schooling I earn an income that she would only dream about and she can not stand that. Having said all that, I spent many many years trying to be her friend and she would just backstab me and I would go back and try again. Finally over the years I gave up and have not seen her for years now. I would really like to know why, but this I may never know. So you are not the only person this happens to-Hope this helps you realize that others also go through this, "JUST BE STRONG, STRONG STRONG AND STAY AWAY FROM ANY NEGATIVE INFLUENCES'

A lot of it has to do with the mothers either being insecure, negative or miserable with their own self and taking it out on their kids. Or they could be passive aggressive or manipulative
0R any combination of these.
Then too there are the parents that actually do resent their kids for whatever reasons

A lot of it has to do with the mothers either being insecure, negative or miserable with their own self and taking it out on their kids. Or they could be passive aggressive or manipulative
0R any combination of these.
Then too there are the parents that actually do resent their kids for whatever reasons

I think this is true, and I really appreciate you posting that. Since posting my own story I have been using an acupressure technique found at emofree.com to relieve the PTSD symptoms I have suffered with most of my life. That relief has allowed me to think much more peacefully and objectively about my childhood.

When we are kids our parents are like God. I carried that around with me until recently and held my mother accountable for what I didn't get. Now, with the symptoms under control I can look at her more clearly. She does fall into your category...


A lot of it has to do with the mothers either being insecure, negative or miserable with their own self and taking it out on their kids.

I think my mother missed her own family of origin so much that it made her feel very lonely and depressed. We were not like the family she came from. And they were very close, having grown up during the depression when families needed to stick together through many hard times. In some ways, she didn't grow up or ever gain insight into people on the "outside". But children cannot be the adults you long for. It's impossible. So, disappointment will happen.

In other ways my mother is a winner and an unsung hero who demonstrated steadfast love toward her children. If you knew the details you would certainly agree. I would never call her a bad mother. She was simply needy in her own right and it took a toll.

We have to remember that parents who are insecure, negative or miserable do not have the tools to be what a child needs. It can be heartbreaking to be that child. It might leave you with a feeling of extreme anger at being short changed, wondering how you will ever be successful in life. But the fact is they simply could not do what we needed.

That doesn't ever excuse abuse, but it does help take the "did I deserve it?" out of the equation. All children need good role models and good parenting. So, take heart if your mother was less than what you needed. It isn't your fault. And others who went through it do stand by you.

SI

I can relate to this big time. My mother tries to destroy my life in any way she can. I was sick for a whole year going to hospitals and doctors and no one knew what was wrong. I was prescribed a medication that caused me to pass out at the wheel. My mother went and told everyone that I was an alcoholic and on drugs when she knows that I don't even drink. She was with me that morning and wouldn't drive me home. Then she sued my finance and I for custody of my daughter. She saw an opportunity where I was not working and very sick and tried to hurt me worse by taking my child. The courts saw through her B.S. and when all was said and done, she looked like an . She was lucky she wasn't charged with perjury and slapped with a defamation of character suit on top of that. She tried to ruin my Finance's career and reputation. She called our church and his company and our friends telling them he was abusive and on drugs. My finance doesn't smoke or drink and never has, he has a degree in Business and a medical degree, so she really is an idiot to think people would believe her. The point is that she tried to ruin my family and caused constant turmoil in my life for not only that year but even before this during my whole life. She was calling us and screaming at us, her neighbors were harassing us and threatening us. It was insane. Why any mother could want to hurt her own child is beyond me. I have a beautiful 12 year old daughter who is prettier and smarter then I ever was at that age and I am happy and proud to be her mother. I think it's jealousy that causes this and its disgusting to me. She has tried to hurt me my whole life telling me my father hated me, I never do anything right, I'm lazy, and her whole life consists of making up lies to turn others against me. Someone tell me how this behavior could possibly be misunderstood and how this comes from love?

I feel like I wrote several of the post people have written here.


I also was raised by a mother who hated me. Reality didn't hit me until about 4 years ago at which time I was forced to cut all ties with her as she was deterimined to kill me off. I was severely ill---only luck has kept me alive--and she turned into a total monster when I got sick. She turned into a demon because I lost my job due to illness. She was a monster in disguise but she got worse

She loved to make up lies about me to get her friends to gang up on me and attack me (while I was seriously ill). I was her most caring and most loyal offspring. Raised her other offsprings since before I was 5. Cooked, cleaned, did laundry and used to get up very early in the morning to fix my siblings' school lunches. We were like twins taking her with me everywhere I went. Always looking out for her no matter what.

I told her I wanted her to write letters to her friends to let them know she was making up lies about me.

Parents keep secrets from us so they can hate us and abuse us and attack us and to leave us without ammunition to defend ourselves from them.

One never knows if they are drug addicts, whores, alcoholics in secret. One never knows if the offspring they hate most is someone born out of wedlock.

I have a sister who hates her sweetest daughter because she reminds her of her mother-in-law. She hates her mother-in-law and also the offspring that looks like the mother-in-law.


The first time I met my brother's wife, she came in announcing that she hated our family. She now has my niece who has our blood in her. I wonder if she now hates her daughter because she hates our family. I have seen this wife no more than 5 times. She hates our family although she doesn't know any of us.

.

I just hope that women out there who don't like their husband's family get their tubes tied so they don't make a family member they hate before it is even born.

Better yet, if you don't like the husband's family don't let the family's sperm inside your body.

Some people are just hateful for no reason at all. Probably just a habit they learned from childhood.

We all have issues but some of us don't go around hating people. There is just no excuse for hate.

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.
Marie and I have exactly the same situation. I am working towards breaking ties with my mother. I need to go on with my life and be happy.

Janice, honey, it will be the best thing you ever do.

I had to call the cops on my mother because she drove 600 miles to my house and showed up at my door. She didn't like that I didn't talk to her anymore, but I let the authorities handle it. The best part was that they told her that she would be charged with criminal trespassing if she ever bothered me again.

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.



I also have had the exact,and I mean the same experience as you,called the most horrible names in the book including prostitute at age 14 when I even hardly knew anything about sex or boys just because I wore a pair of trousers one Saturday morning.did all the work at home while other siblings went out and played with friends and made up lies about me and spread them to our church members and friends such that whenever we went to church lots of grownups would come up to me and tell me if only I could just be a good kid.I have a little sister and my mum treats her like a queen.I have never understood how she felt about me until I was 19 and asked her why she treated me that way.she flatly told me that she has never loved me and never will and I asked her why she felt that way.she said I have not done anything to her but she just hates me.I forgave her and just put it beside me until I had a steady and serious boyfriend at age 21 and moved out to say with him because she told me she couldn't take care of me anymore.then she started going round telling people lies that I had contracted the HIV and I didn't know anything about it.I just had friends and people(some of her friends)see me and say they are sorry for me.I didn't understand what they were talking about till they told me what my mum said about me.I asked her about it and she denied it,then admitted.I always put all the things she said and did to me aside including beating my face with a cooking pan till the next morning I couldn't see anything because my face would be so swollen. Some of her friends saw me a few years ago and told me that they think my mum is jealous of me so I should be careful of her.some friends of hers came to visit and told her I was a beautiful girl(age15)and after they left she slapped me and told me I am not beautiful but look like a monster and am very ugly.I knew that was not true but I didn't react.God knows I have forgiven her for all she did to me but I will probably live with all she did to me.I have cut her out of my life for good but hold no grudges only experiences with her.I hope one day she regrets all she did to me.I am 26 now and 2 years ago she wrote a letter to me telling me to forgive her because she was not a good mother to me.I did and called her only for her to start cursing me on the phone that I am no good and will never make it in life(I didn't do or say anything for her to react that way).she just asked me what my plans were for the future and I told her I was working on it.then the cursing followed.I forgive her but I can never forget.

After reading so many of other peoples answer to why mothers hate their children I don't know if Im lucky or if it's the same. Maybe Ive jumped the gun or is it all in my head or everything my Mom believes that I do, shows me she hates me. The thing is my Mom never verbally abused me, or puts me down in specific words. Never has she said she hates me or Im stupid or ugly or no good. What she does Ill say is so hurt ful I wish she would say she hates instead of what she does now. It's a long story but so is everyone's lets just say, one thing she has done to me is about 2 months ago my daughter stayed with me over the weekend because she was going to her home away from home and full didn't want to go now but she had to and Jaclyn already made plans. So my Mom goes on to say over and over if you can't watch her Ill make other plans, can she stay with you because I have to be down there this weekend I can't change my plans, can she stay with you this weekend. Over and over I say there is no problem with staying with me there never has been one and certainly since I sit home most of the time since Im disabled sinceI have no plans and she is always welcomed here. Finally, after so many times she asks me the same thing again and again, now don't think she's only being considerat e of my situation no way because she's in denial about my disability, why don't you go get a job you could do something sitting down, and I don't bring the facts up that I need more surgury or this or that I just take cAREE OF Myself. SO why does that bother me so much her saying this to me, if she cared how I felt then why do I have to tell her 10 times Im not doing anything I can pick her up, that's everyday after school she's takes a bus that drops her about a mile from home, I would pick her up everyday just like I used to get up to take her to school when she was younger, only when she feels that with going to this Dr and rushing to get back and picking her she may not make it back, will she ask me to pick her up, even when I say Mom don't rush back to get her Ill get her, no ill call you or you call me at 3pm and if Im not done then you call, then you will have to get her, when I call she says Im coming now you don't have to get her, Mom don't rush Ill get her, what's the difference Im already out. Besides these discounting of me being an alive capable person will never end I keep thinking they will if I just try harder to be a good son. There are more complex WILL conditions that Ive been outed of and lets say in the last 3 years every weekend during the summer my brothers and Mom and my daughter go to the beach home only one time have I been invited and that's how it goes Im left out of my families life whether its Sunday dinner or plain old Tuesday Im not asked to come along. Then it goes to the ridiculous when Im around for one reason like my other daughters graduation at college she will plow me down in front of everyone with whatever happened to my mothers silver did I give that to you or Linda an x sister inlaw of another of my brothers, my daughter starts to look over at me because she knows I sold it Ive told my Mom I had to sell it, it was either lights and a/c food in the frig when I first became disabled and I was 100% broke, my Mom would call me at my store and say you better get home you can't leave your daughter to do your job and watch the baby, she was about 5 or six and the older was 13 or 14 and it would be 4PM and I still was at work, if she couldn't have them over after school then I needed to be home, I would argue just a little that HJ will watch her, that's not fair for her she has to have a life also, Id say well if I close my bossiness you will know why Id say that after a year or 2 of being told what to do and its not fair to her,HJ I was going crazy, I finally closed my business and ended up at my Moms home with my daughter, the older one had gone away to school but she had a room at my mom too. Then one night out of know where it seamed like take your stuff and get out I don't care where you go. From there I went to where Im living now. My brothers are treated like family my daughters are more drawn to my Mom than me, my Mom pays for everything, vacations, close, cars schools, and she blames me for anything she can think of, like in the beginning of this I was saying about full staying over, well that Sat. night I picked her up at a friends house at 4AM she was coming home by 1AM either calling me or I was to pick her up, at 1AM she calls and says we are all going back to Susans house I make her tell me where and it was like pulling teeth finally from what her friend said or even knew I goggled the area and was waiting for her to call me, now I can't get her to almost 3AM when she answers the phone everyone just fell asleep, well wake it up I getting you now. I was to honest about Jacln when telling her what went on besides she had been calling her checking up and calling me to check up on the where abouts of her granddaughter. From that day going forward Im well your father lets you do anything, he will let her stay out all night. To me working out a plan to get her to do her homework, shell say I told you when she first got here I don't do school work I did that with you kids no more, then break down with then if she doesn't do this then Ill tell her she has to go live with your father, I became the punishment and when my name came up or we would talk about her you would hear you let her stay out all night.

luvlymazzy, I am so impressed you were able to see things so clearly, and express them even though it must have been very difficult to do so. I am very pleased and proud that you were able to turn out so well, and have the ABILITY TO LOVE no matter how little love you got on your own. You could still have a baby and LOVE THAT CHILD, no matter what.

I often think that the "Cinderella story" really is true, and that is why it is still so popular and heart warming today. The wicked mother (or stepmother) and the evil sisters... all making Cinderella do all the work and giving her rags and crumbs... but she still found her own life and her wonderful Prince Charming, and it just goes to show that our own dreams, whatever they may be, can STILL COME TRUE. Thanks so much for posting, and bravo for the smileys and frowneys you used to illustrate your story. Loved that! Especially the four grumpy ones to illustrate the wicked (step)mother's actions. Fantastic! You even still have a great sense of humor. Keep up the good work!

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
So,

You really know mothers that act this way? There is no way I would do this to my kids. I love my kids.

Michelle

"TOXIC PARENTS"

One of the best books I ever read, cover to cover, over and over again, was "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. In fact, I have every single book she ever wrote. Her insights have saved my life many times. I finally came to the conclusion that mental illness runs in my family, be it alcoholism, personality disorders, depression, or whatever. I think the anger, rages, gossip and name-calling really comes from paranoid delusions, insecurities, jealousy, misdirected anger and so forth. There is no reason why one child is picked on, unless that one child might have "more gifts" or more beauty or intelligence, or whatever. Whatever the parent doesn't like or feels threatened by or wishes they had... or sometimes it is just the "pecking order." As one child finally leaves, especially if it's to get away from their tormentors, another woeful child ends up taking their place. You see this in any group, from the family group to the neighborhood or class at school, or the workplace and finally in the world.

Some people are so woefully inadequate as individuals and as human beings they literally can't survive if they are not trying to control and attack someone else. You see it here on these forums of AskMeHelpDesk (dot) com! Look at how there is always a consistent group of cruel, unreasonable, "always right" borderline, or psychopathic individuals that gang up on others. When they form a group, look out! That's what tears forums apart, and the same thing happens in a "family" group.

I think the notion that "family" is the be-all and end-all of our permanent relationships, and being told that "family is always there for you" simply isn't always the case. Just like having a million dollars doesn't always "make you rich." We think money will solve all our problems, just like we are raised to believe that "family" will provide the love and sense of self that we need, but it unfortunately doesn't always work that way.

I am so glad that there is beginning to be more and more information about "toxic" people available. I have learned that at least for now, the best rule is the "stay away" rule and that we can create our own "family" in the friends and spouses we CHOOSE. Then, if we still end up with a very negative, cruel individual in our new family (whether it's husband, wife, daughter, son) the best thing we can do is detach "with love." I think this means to forgive them their trespasses and let them go out of our lives. If they are ever going to change, it will have to come from them, and we can accept it or reject it, but first of all try to know that they suffer from a mental illness (even if it's just called "mean and cruel") and we need to see the truth about their lives and their actions, and don't expect things to change.

The first and foremost rule, in my mind, is to learn to take care of myself and learn to love myself, since no one else is going to do it. Once I have learned to give myself what I give away to everyone else, then I will recognize and know how to identify those broken individuals who really mean me harm, and to recognize who really does love me and has the capacity to share.

I no longer have to accept mistreatment from ANYONE, and if they do (as mldubose described), I will take steps to ensure my own mental, emotional and physical safety. I will create a "safety net" and find ways to take care of myself. There will still be plenty to go around for everyone else, especially those ones who return caring and sharing in return.



One of my favorite websites is gratefulness.org. They have a grief/joy posting website, where I have found many people in the same situations. They also also have a free "Word of the Day" email that is a wonderful reminder of what really does matter in this world, always pointing us to the best of ourselves within. I love getting up in the morning (no matter who has upset me the day before) and reading my little "gratefulness prayer" that stays with me for the rest of the time, and can be re-read any time I need it. I hope these can help everyone else, too.

I think the most important thing I have to learn is that when I am attacked or bullied or rejected or chastised (by anyone, not just “Mommie Dearest,” it is not my fault. Be it mother, father, or an outside "damaged" agent. They have their problems and need to work their anger out at somewhere else, preferably a gym. I am no one's punching bag and it is up to me to "teach them that," even if it means just "voting with my feet." The No Contact Rule. Works (almost) every time.

Thanks to everyone for sharing these emotional and real experiences; it's not easy at all. There is nothing like finally admitting the truth, even when it hurts, and saying "My mother did not love me. My mother may not have learned how to love, and now was or is not capable of Love, but I AM. I will learn to love myself and loving everyone else will follow. Put myself first for a change and not take others poisonous behavior to heart. Let them stew in their own soup that they made, and I will go cook something delicious for me and my family on my stove. I will plant a beautiful garden and take care of it in my yard. I will tend to my "spiritual garden" and my beautiful garden at home.

In her biography, Tina Turner talked about how you had to cut negative things out of your life and things that just "didn't work," whether it was your car, your mother, your son... anything that was always breaking down and draining your energy. That thought always stayed in my mind for years, that "some relationships" WERE in fact just like certain cars, that no matter how many times you tried to fix them, were always breaking down. Maybe we need a "lemon law" for relationships!

We have to “Just say No” and cut them out of our life. Just like an abusive husband, we divorce ourselves, remain polite, and give ourselves what they were obviously incapable of giving. We put ourselves first and perhaps later on, down the lines, our spiritual realizations will be able to spill over into abusive relationships, so that at least they can do us no harm and we will be able to react out of compassion instead of pain, anger or fear. We will be able to say “best wishes to you” and move on and go ahead with our own ideas, goals and lives. Peace reigns when we see the reality of how miserable these people are. That realization instantly takes away their power to “take away our joy.”

I always try to remember to, no matter what the situation is, ask God to “forgive them they know not what they do. Forgive them for me, since I can not do it myself, and Thank you for all the good things I have in my life right now. Please God, show me the way.”

That's my simple little prayer I try to remember to say, no matter what, each time a negative or hurt thought comes into my mind. That's my salve and my balm. I can't change how my mother or family is, but I can change my thoughts which leads to changing the emotional pain. I don't go to church anymore, but when I “put things in God's Hands,” and ASK FOR PEACE OF MIND, it comes “miraculously” out of the beautiful blue sky. Hurt and angry thoughts float by like clouds in the sky, across the horizon and over the trees, and peace of mind shows up like birds on wing. Then I see the flowers and the trees and the light shining down, and realize that my feelings are truly my “state of mind,” and all I have to do is ask God to help me find peace and show me the way. Keep my feet on the path and put it in His Hands. I just have to remember to do this. God will help me learn to “sail my ship” through any type of storm.

Best Wishes, Catherine Todd

ordinaryguy, thank you so much for your comment. Much appreciated!

I am never sure about posting here due to criticisms and deletions of posts (sometime apparently "at will") and I'm never sure about "acceptable length" of posts, but this issue (and a number of others) are so important that I feel they deserve as detailed a response as possible. I am so relieved to know that what I have been able to contribute has been helpful to some people here. Thanks again!

Chain of hearts,when I read your full story,I just broke down and wept like a baby for you ,myself and all of us out there who may have gone through the same or similar experience.but yours was particularly too touching for me.I just can't imagine why some parents prefer to damage their children beyond repairs and leave them hanging with no hope or care about their feelings.it must have been really hard for you and I wonder how you are still going strong.please don't say you're far too broke for a shrink.I am sure you are much more a beautiful person both inside and yet you stood strong to have to go through all those unimaginable and horrible things your mother did to you.I know about low self esteem and not been able to show love and emotions in relationships because the damage my mother put on me has made me feel the same way(and made me have failed relationships with good men) and yet I must confess that your story is 1000% more serious than mine and look what mine did to me.I also never wanted to have kids just in case I was not a good parent to him or her,but I found this wonderful man and we have been going steady for 2 years and he knows my story and situation and completely understands and stands by me in everything.he knows it's hard for me to show emotions of love,trust or anything other than anger,but he is patient with me and I am surprised that his patience and love for me is changing me into a much better person.I used to believe that there was no hope in restoring me mentally or emotionally in any way,but I now believe that with patience,perseverance,hope and hardwork you can do it.I am just tired of living my life full of hatred,pain and anger and deciding to let things go is probably the best decision I have ever taken in my life for myself.(I have no contact with her anymore and will keep it this way till I hear she has passed on)i have other siblings but I was the only one who was treated this way in the family though I was a good kid too.for her to tell me in my face that she has hated me all my life and loved the rest of my siblings for no reason was the hardest blow in my face.then I realised that even if she didn't love me,there is always going to be someone out there who will definitely love you for who you are and not take advantage of you.just keep strong and I know you will pull through.

catherinetodd,
Thanks for your inspirational post.nothing is too long so far as it gives us the encouragement we all need.I visited gratefulness.org and will definitely join the grief/joy forum because I need all the support,love and encouragement I can get even if it's from other people with same or similar experience because I can't afford a therapist or shrink but I know I have to get on with life some way or another.so why not share experience and encouragement with people I can relate to?reading all these posts has made me feel a lot lighter that I am not the only one who went through all those and I get people who can relate to my experiences too without judging or blaming me and saying I could have been a better kid.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/children/why-mothers-hate-their-children-53545-8.html#post926658

Why mothers hate their children 3.10.08

gorgeouslady: You wrote: "... reading all these posts has made me feel alot lighter that I am not the only one who went through all those and i get people who can relate to my experiences too without judging or blaming me and saying I could have been a better kid."


Me, too! I am so glad that my post helped you as much as yours, and everyone else's, has helped me! I wouldn't worry about not being able to afford therapy," I went for years and out of about 8 or 10 different therapists, in the different places I lived, only one was really "helpful" and she cost $100.00 per hour! I was living in Paris and she was English and had a practice at the American Church in Paris, but I could only afford to go one hour per week. I needed eight hours per day!

That's why forums such as these are so great and helpful; they are FREE and it's easy to learn pretty quickly which people are "helpful" and which people are not. in fact, the mean ones on discussion forums are good for “practice” in how not to take the bait, since they - along with some mothers - love to do it and don't know how to live any other way. Plus it is all in writing, so there is a written record that one can go back to review to see just what happened, and what led up to it, and who else got attacked and what their response was, and it becomes a pretty clear picture of “who we are” and “what we really want.”

We paint our own portraits with our actions and words. We are not painting a portrait of someone else as we say we “hate them” or criticize them or make malicious attempts at control. People like that are so full of self-hatred and rage, they have to find somewhere to “spread it around.”

That's what I like also about posting to message boards: it's apparent pretty quickly which people are mean-spirited, condescending, cruel or controlling. They will go after everyone in pretty much the same way (much like certain mothers do to certain of their children) which via this board we see happens a lot more often than anyone really realized. Susan Forward talks about this in her book “Toxic Parents.” That's an eye-opener for sure.

Watching what happens to certain people BY certain people here on these boards is a real eye-opener as well. Just like growing up at home! Bullies go after anyone they can, and we all have to learn how to handle it at least until cyberbullying and cyberstalking is better controlled. Those same “evil spirits” must have controlled some of our parents or siblings, and we can see just how “families” and social groups operate: it all ends being pretty much the same.

That's why people are constantly at war in families or between countries; it just grows and grows and goes, anywhere these negative individuals spread their angry dark cloud. It's up to us to learn not to be afraid of the lightning and thunder, and wait for the storms to pass. To not let the pirates “sink our ship” and “steal our joy.” That's the treasure they are after, since they can't generate any of their own. But I don't have to let them have mine. No, no, no. They will have to learn to get it from somewhere else. They can't rob everyone of what they don't have. If they can't give it, we can keep our peace and happiness for ourselves. That's what I am finally beginning to believe! I hope this is true; I've heard it my whole life, but only recently seen things with the “pirate” and “just say no” perspective.

I think the main thing is that we have to learn that when we are bullied, intimidated or attacked, it is NOT OUR FAULT. That's how bullies operate. Their tactics are to threaten and intimidate, and make you believe that you “brought it on yourself” and you are to blame and somehow it is all your fault. I even read this on the official FBI “cyberbullying” website. (I'll try to find the link and post it as a question later on. It was incredibly informative, and sounded just like what so many of us have gone through, growing up and in our adult lives).


Reading how cruel people operate, since they have to write it down here for it to have any effect, show us how we can learn that "being attacked" by others verbally (including our mothers) isn't for something "we did wrong," and that we are somehow “bad.” It's because there are certain individuals who are just plain sadistic, narcissistic and mean. They can be tyrants, kings, bosses, employees, parents, siblings, neighbors, anyone at all. I look at certain people as poisonous spiders or snakes or even crocodiles. But even if it's our own mother, we all have the chance to develop our OWN personalities. There is nothing those mean ones can do to change that. We can BE the person we want to be. We can treat others the way we want to be treated ourselves. We can learn to give to others what we wished was given to us. We can be what we wish they were. And most of all, we can be GOOD TO OURSELVES. It may take practice, and it may take a lot of effort to go ahead and “treat our selves well,” since we had always been told that we “didn't deserve anything,” but the old pecking order is over (and that's all it is, especially clear when you see a mother picking on just one child). That's why it's good to steer clear and adhere to the “no contact rule” just like when you leave an abusive husband. These types rarely change, and we can let them back in a little at a time ONLY if they stay on “good behavior.”

Now we can make decisions for our selves. To be as nice to ourselves as we are to others. We don't have to continue beating on ourselves just because our mothers did it to us. Watching certain individuals here on these message boards has really brought this home to me, over and over. We all write our own words, and our words don't lie. The truth about ourselves always comes out, because no one can keep up a facade for long. It's all written down in black and white so it's easy to go back for review. Write down all the mean things your mother (or whoever) said about you, and too you, and write down your response, and then what you wish you had said. When I manage to do this, I find that I really am a pretty nice person, and I am usually very truthful. I rarely “go on the attack” and ONLY in “self-defense,” which isn't a crime except in an abuser's book. That's what I am learning here.

When people describe other people, so often they are really "painting a picture of themselves." That's what it seems like to me, and it's clear in the words they use what kind of things they say. That goes for therapists, too; there's a lot of controlling crazy ones out there, and it's hard to see it since it's a one-on-one relationship. Plus, "a therapist would never do that!" is what too many people believe, so if you get a "bad one" you are at their mercy since "you are the one that needs help, not them."

One last thought, re-reading your post: you wrote:

"

One last thought, re-reading your post: you wrote:

"

Amen! And you know what? They could have been “better mothers,” don't you think! Hah-hah-hah!

So keep coming back to the boards. I appreciate being here so much. I might not be able to participate at some point, though, so feel free to contact me at ctodd1000 (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks so much for writing back!

Yours, Catherine Todd

P.S. anothersadmom wrote: "we must be careful not to become our own parents as well."

Amen! And you know what? They could have been “better mothers,” don't you think! Hah-hah-hah!

So keep coming back to the boards. I appreciate being here so much. I might not be able to participate at some point, though, so feel free to contact me at ctodd1000 (at) gmail (dot) com. Thanks so much for writing back!

Yours, Catherine Todd

P.S. anothersadmom wrote: "write it all out"

That's the truth... thanks for that important reminder!

I find myself reacting and wanting to do to my own son the same things my parents did to me, when he hurts me and I react in a powerful way. I have to really work hard to be quiet and "no matter what I might have learned by how I was treated, that isn't the way to do it and I am NOT my parents.

Be sure to check out all of Dr. Susan Forward's books (on Amazon or elsewhere). I have every single one she wrote along with all the codependent books by Melody Beattie. In times of stress, these books are my " and then try to come back and treat the situation calmly (as much as I can, which sometimes isn't much) and remember that " and "Band-Aids" That, and books by the Dalai Lama on how to handle emotions, and sit quietly and breathe in and out, and “watch them pass like clouds in the sky.” Then I come back here and read and write some more.

Thanks so much, another mom, for pointing that out! I do NOT want "tourniquets."

I want to break that chain and start something new, based on peace and love. I have to learn about all this from scratch. And now I will come out of all of this "history to repeat itself." And I didn't even need botox!

This Q&A has been going on for over a year... just goes to show how many people are affected by these experiences, and how important this issue is for all of us. Thanks to Angela_A for posting it! Where is she? She only posted this one question, with no more posts at all. Hope she is happy and doing well. Would love to hear from her and thank her again.

I have to totally agree. My mom and I had quite a few very loud disagreements when I was growing up- I used to tell my Dad when I was little that I thought she stayed up nights just thinking of ways to make me miserable!

But things change as you get older. You begin to realize all the sacrifices your parents made for you- especially Moms- we are always there for our kids. Both my parents always were. And for my kids- whenever we needed them- it didn't matter to them what time it was. When my ex-husband and I split up, it was my parents who gave me a ring with a tiny heart on it- and a card that made me cry- just to let me know that I mattered to someone!

It is not always easy- either for the parents, or the kids. When I was growing up she had a way of making me feel stupid- in fact, she used to tell me a lot "don't be so stupid"- and my father could do nothing right- no matter what. He always tried to please her, but she has always been controlling, and a perfectionist- no one can do anything right BUT her. And she always favored my brother over me. If I gave her advice, she listened and then ignored it, but if my brother said the same thing----that was what she did !

And you know what? None of it matters anymore. Because my mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimers. She still knows me and my brother and my daughter- my brother goes every single day- my daughter and I go 3 times a week. And she no longer walks or talks- just sits and smiles at us like she is so happy we are there. She can say yes or no and she sometimes laughs with us while we watch tv- but I would give anything if I could just have her in my house one more time or take her for a haircut- all the things we all complain about because we are too busy. Moms are busy too, you know- but we take the time- to spend with you, to talk with you, do whatever- if you are lucky. No, not all Moms are like that unfortunately- I am just talking from my own experience. I would give anything to listen again to the same stories she has told me numerous times, or I would be smarter and ask about relatives, experiences, anything that I am unable to ask her now. All I am saying is enjoy your Mom now while you can-and appreciate all that does and all that she is for you, because life is all too short and you can lose it all tomorrow and you will regret it.:)

First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom.

But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY.

Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. You enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get through it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. I think even in our age of equality of the sexes, MOM is still primary care giver. Mom is always WITH the baby, but suddenly no one notices MOM (like that commercial on TV about the 'invisible Mom feeling') they all come to see and ooh and ahh over the baby. Relatives who once loved MOM now are eager to get cards and letters and complain if there are no pictures of the BABY/young child. (It wouldn't matter if it included recent photo of Mom sky diving, they don't care, they want to see the baby!) For the most part, Moms accept this. They LOVE their babies and probably DO take tons of pictures. They love to just LOOK at their babies, smell their babies, hold their babies. Mom still carefully watches what baby eats, but when MOM is up all night and been pooped on, burped on, cried at for hours she maybe hasn't had a shower in days and eats leftovers from the meal she missed when baby was crying and only Mom could soothe. In toddlerhood it progresses to Mom is ultimate radar detector for baby hazards--she sees knives left on tables, small choke hazards on the floors, poisons in low cupboards. She seeks to protect this offspring that was once inside her, just as her hands once instinctively jumped to her pregnant belly to protect when baby was in there. It probably continues like this for many years until the children are quite grown/independent. Along the way, MOM is still a person. We all have good times/bad times. I suspect the Moms who fail to re-find themselves post-baby or who suffer the only-Moms-know real physical problems of having children: sexual satisfaction changes, adjustments from internal organs being shoved around during pregnancy, cystoceles, rectoceles, uterine prolapses, bladder incontinence, breast changes from nursing, C-section scars, completely body-altering things that oft times women are afraid to speak to doctors about, even husbands about, even other women about. They never give time to taking care of themselves because the children demand at least half their daily waking hours many days. (I call it kids gluing themselves to Mommy's butt) At which point suddenly you are asking a person who has given many years of attention to this little person (effectively subdivided MOM herself as a person among herself and each of her kids) to not be traumatized herself by all this subdivision and invisibleness. Even the best MOMS struggle with this. I dearly LOVE my kids. My own mother I hated until she got Alzheimer's and I became one of her caregivers. I look back now and realize her getting Alzheimer's TAUGHT ME how to be a Mom before I had my kids. My own MOM couldn't have taught me, because she was a mean spirited seemingly hateful Mom. She hated my Dad and told us kids she did. She spent most of my life telling me I should never have kids--that having kids had ruined her life. I found my own path to walk and I chose one directly opposite my Mom's. I would put right with my kids what had once went wrong in my childhood. Yet when she died I took time to write a eulogy because in BEING a Mom myself I had grown to understand MY MOM. Late in life she had a prolapsed uterus repaired. I've had one of my own that I suffered from torturously, embarrassingly, silently until I knew what it was. My own Mom wasn't as well educated as I am, couldn't Google something on the internet to figure it out, didn't have daytime talk shows addressing it. When I had my problems wrapped up inside my head I have yelled at my kids. I've been heck to live with. I've had days when I thought I would just go mad when reality hit me that I couldn't just stop at a quicky-mart for a quicky snack while driving because first I had to stop and unstrap 2 kids from complicated carseats, drag them--sometimes whining--into the store, take one or both to the potty as soon as we get in there, and then get my snack only to have to share it with 2 little moochers who then leave crumbs all over the back seat that I have to clean up. (Ever see a Mom devour an entire chocolate cake in secret? This is WHY!) We spend our lives giving bites to our kids, letting them sit on our laps, jumping every time we hear them cry for real, trying to figure out which way to go first if 2 kids cry from 2 different directions, waking as soon as they wake, not necessarily when the alarm goes off. MOM is a high-stress job. Find out if bomb techs and firefighters don't have bad habits/more prevalence toward mean/sharp behavior with their kids.

Put it this way: take your very best friend in the whole wide world. Let's say he moves in with you and gives you one giant kick in the crotch that forever changes what you feel during sex. He never apologizes but you love him and forgive him anyway. Let's say for 6 years he gets all the attention from everybody over you. During that time YOU teach him everything he knows. And you respond to his every need--including wiping his butt and spooning food into his mouth. Then have him suddenly leave you and get a new job with lots of new friends, including new best friends. Then eventually have a time or 2 where he does something better than you can do it. And add a time or 2 where he tells you he hates you (I bet every kid on earth had said this once or twice to Mom) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT? Unless you're a saint, you might feel some resentment, might feel shortchanged, might feel like a fool for giving him so much of your life, but you still love him deeply.

I don't think it's the quality of the person becoming a parent, I think it's your level of understanding/empathizing with the person who is your parent and/or their own ability to adapt to their life situations.

I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. Or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it.

So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did... [/QUOTE]

I have to totally agree. My mom and I had quite a few very loud disagreements when I was growing up- I used to tell my Dad when I was little that I thought she stayed up nights just thinking of ways to make me miserable!

But things change as you get older. You begin to realize all the sacrifices your parents made for you- especially Moms- we are always there for our kids. Both my parents always were. And for my kids- whenever we needed them- it didn't matter to them what time it was. When my ex-husband and I split up, it was my parents who gave me a ring with a tiny heart on it- and a card that made me cry- just to let me know that I mattered to someone!

It is not always easy- either for the parents, or the kids. When I was growing up she had a way of making me feel stupid- in fact, she used to tell me a lot "don't be so stupid"- and my father could do nothing right- no matter what. He always tried to please her, but she has always been controlling, and a perfectionist- no one can do anything right BUT her. And she always favored my brother over me. If I gave her advice, she listened and then ignored it, but if my brother said the exact same thing----that was what she did !

And you know what? None of it matters anymore. Because my mother is in a nursing home with Alzheimers. She still knows me and my brother and my daughter- my brother goes every single day- my daughter and I go 3 times a week. And she no longer walks or talks- just sits and smiles at us like she is so happy we are there. She can say yes or no and she sometimes laughs with us while we watch tv- but I would give anything if I could just have her in my house one more time or take her for a haircut- all the things we all complain about because we are too busy. Moms are busy too, you know- but we take the time- to spend with you, to talk with you, do whatever- if you are lucky. No, not all Moms are like that unfortunately- I am just talking from my own experience. I would give anything to listen again to the same stories she has told me numerous times, or I would be smarter and ask about relatives, experiences, anything that I am unable to ask her now. All I am saying is enjoy your Mom now while you can-and appreciate all that does and all that she is for you, because life is all too short and you can lose it all tomorrow and you will regret it.:)

First off, I do not have a specific answer as to the sabotage or mean spirited words Angela says came from a mom.

But, I can say this: even MOMS are people. And, oddly enough, I think nearly all of the above posters seemed to forget that.... I THINK YOU NEED TO WALK A FEW STEPS IN A MOM's SHOES TO UNDERSTAND HER AND SEE HER FOR WHAT SHE'S DOING AND LOVE HER ANYWAY.

Let me try to explain. You get pregnant let's say it's joyfully on purpose. You are thrilled, you love the baby even before it's a few cells. Everyone around you is SO HAPPY for you. you enjoy 9 months of this attention from others--special parking spaces included. You feel good taking care of yourself--eating well, taking vitamins, seeing our doctor... because you have the increased importance of taking care of now your baby, too. Then whamo, you give birth (not fun, but we Moms all get thru it somehow) and, like I said to my husband when my 1st was born--now we're parents, now what do we do? Your life as you knew it before baby is suddenly changed. You will never again be just YOU. You will be MOM. --For years, in fact, your child won't even know you HAVE another name... And it begins this way: first everyone comes NOT to see MOM but the BABY. I think even in our age of equality of the sexes, MOM is still primary care giver. Mom is always WITH the baby, but suddenly no one notices MOM (like that commercial on TV about the 'invisible Mom feeling') they all come to see and ooh and ahh over the baby. Relatives who once loved MOM now are eager to get cards and letters and complain if there are no pictures of the BABY/young child. (It wouldn't matter if it included recent photo of Mom sky diving, they don't care, they want to see the baby!) For the most part, Moms accept this. They LOVE their babies and probably DO take tons of pictures. They love to just LOOK at their babies, smell their babies, hold their babies. Mom still carefully watches what baby eats, but when MOM is up all night and been pooped on, burped on, cried at for hours she maybe hasn't had a shower in days and eats leftovers from the meal she missed when baby was crying and only Mom could soothe. In toddlerhood it progresses to Mom is ultimate radar detector for baby hazards--she sees knives left on tables, small choke hazards on the floors, poisons in low cupboards. She seeks to protect this offspring that was once inside her, just as her hands once instinctively jumped to her pregnant belly to protect when baby was in there. It probably continues like this for many years until the children are quite grown/independent. Along the way, MOM is still a person. We all have good times/bad times. I suspect the Moms who fail to re-find themselves post-baby or who suffer the only-Moms-know real physical problems of having children: sexual satisfaction changes, adjustments from internal organs being shoved around during pregnancy, cystoceles, rectoceles, uterine prolapses, bladder incontinence, breast changes from nursing, C-section scars, completely body-altering things that oft times women are afraid to speak to doctors about, even husbands about, even other women about. They never give time to taking care of themselves because the children demand at least half their daily waking hours many days. (I call it kids gluing themselves to Mommy's butt) At which point suddenly you are asking a person who has given many years of attention to this little person (effectively subdivided MOM herself as a person among herself and each of her kids) to not be traumatized herself by all this subdivision and invisibleness. Even the best MOMS struggle with this. I dearly LOVE my kids. My own mother I hated until she got Alzheimer's and I became one of her caregivers. I look back now and realize her getting Alzheimer's TAUGHT ME how to be a Mom before I had my kids. My own MOM couldn't have taught me, because she was a mean spirited seemingly hateful Mom. She hated my Dad and told us kids she did. She spent most of my life telling me I should never have kids--that having kids had ruined her life. I found my own path to walk and I chose one directly opposite my Mom's. I would put right with my kids what had once went wrong in my childhood. Yet when she died I took time to write a eulogy because in BEING a Mom myself I had grown to understand MY MOM. Late in life she had a prolapsed uterus repaired. I've had one of my own that I suffered from torturously, embarrassingly, silently until I knew what it was. My own Mom wasn't as well educated as I am, couldn't Google something on the internet to figure it out, didn't have daytime talk shows addressing it. When I had my problems wrapped up inside my head I have yelled at my kids. I've been heck to live with. I've had days when I thought I would just go mad when reality hit me that I couldn't just stop at a quicky-mart for a quicky snack while driving because first I had to stop and unstrap 2 kids from complicated carseats, drag them--sometimes whining--into the store, take one or both to the potty as soon as we get in there, and then get my snack only to have to share it with 2 little moochers who then leave crumbs all over the back seat that I have to clean up. (Ever see a Mom devour an entire chocolate cake in secret? This is WHY!) We spend our lives giving bites to our kids, letting them sit on our laps, jumping everytime we hear them cry for real, trying to figure out which way to go first if 2 kids cry from 2 different directions, waking as soon as they wake, not necessarily when the alarm goes off. MOM is a high-stress job. Find out if bomb techs and firefighters don't have bad habits/more prevalence toward mean/sharp behavior with their kids.

Put it this way: take your very best friend in the whole wide world. Let's say he moves in with you and gives you one giant kick in the crotch that forever changes what you feel during sex. he never apologizes but you love him and forgive him anyway. Let's say for 6 years he gets all the attention from everybody over you. During that time YOU teach him everything he knows. And you respond to his every need--including wiping his butt and spooning food into his mouth. Then have him suddenly leave you and get a new job with lots of new friends, including new best friends. Then eventually have a time or 2 where he does something better than you can do it. And add a time or 2 where he tells you he hates you (I bet every kid on earth had said this once or twice to Mom) HOW DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD REACT? Unless you're a saint, you might feel some resentment, might feel shortchanged, might feel like a fool for giving him so much of your life, but you still love him deeply.

I don't think it's the quality of the person becoming a parent, I think it's your level of understanding/empathizing with the person who is your parent and/or their own ability to adapt to their life situations.

I think Angela and all her adult friends need to take a long hard look at their childhoods, NOTICE the sacrifices--big and small--their Moms have made, and go tell their Moms just how truly thankful they are. or when Mom says, 'so what you're making good grades,' you turn around and say, 'I guess you raised me to be a smart kid, mom.' And then follow it up with noticing something that their MOM has done in life and complimenting it.

So much of what Moms do goes totally unnoticed but is carrried silently within a Mom's heart to her death. Her reward is in heaven. Eeven if YOU didn't notice, I bet God did...[/QUOTE]


Is that why some mom's kill their children? How do you explain Sibyl's mom, Do you know about Genie?
Coincidentally the fact that you believe your own opinion, and ideation to be more accurate that someone else's is evidence that you were raised in a nurturing caring home. Abuse causes problems with determining ones own opinion, esteem, and language. Maybe your mom did a better job than your teachers. I congratulate her. God did notice, that is why he states directly and frankly in the Bible, that one of the most horrible punishments is reserved for child abusers. You better call your mom, and apologize for being such a snitty little trouble maker. Bless her heart.

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
I totally disagree!! I have children who I love dearly. Some parents are very happy the way their child turned out and maybe have flashbacks on there life and wish it was the same. Maybe that it is bothering them and maybe some mothers are even jealous. I would suggest just talking to the mother over coffee or dinner and just get down to the bottom of the situation

It's not that the parent hates the child.
This idea of a parent trying to ruin a child's life comes from parents wanting the best for their children. Though parents want the best for their kids, they also don't want to be outshined by their children either. It may be the feeling of insecurity or something. For example in the play [I]Fences[I] by August Wilson, the father, Troy, always talks about having the best for his family and putting his family first. But because of jealousy, he doesn't let his son go to college and play football because, in reality, he never had the chance himself. This is just a literary work but it applies to human nature.

I also agree that any one can plant the seed, but it takes a special person to nurture and care for this young new life. It doesn't stop there. It takes years of unconditional love & support. Even after they are grow and on there own your job still doesn't stop, you always rally in there corner. I don't understand how some parents just give up ? Letting Grandparents raise there children or foster care, because they are too selfish, wanting to have a good time, knowing they have an important role for many years. As in my case even being the best you can be your grown children can turn on you and break your heart in to millions of pieces.

Inputs from mothers please...

I know this is a sensitive topic but as an adult child and chatting with friends, I have found this to be a common phenomenon. Any thoughts would be appreciated to relieve this pain.

Mothers seem to be (and are) destroying their children's life on purpose. First subconsciously then as years go by, they would do it on purpose.

For example, they would frown upon the children's success by saying things like... so what if you are gettting good mark at school... so what if you are earning a living yourself.... And they have actions to go along with their words such as making noise when you study or phoneing your workplace to disturb you.

Thoughts please.
I know what that feels like I have a 4 year old step son who lives with me and his dad his mother only wants to see him when it suits her and she always complains that she's ill all the time but she is out getting drunk all the time, I'm a bit confused at what to do, I am so proud of my step son and would do anyhting for him as I treat him as my own I have raised him since he was 2 and couldn't picture my ife with out him

You are out of your mind! Your babies were not asked to be born. I was not asked to be born and I feel like my cruel parents blamed me for being born. I'm 42 years old and finally realizing that the horrible abuse they smothered me in was not my fault. My parents confined me so much as a baby that I nearly was not able to walk. I didn't walk until I was three years old! My grandmother and aunts came to my parents house and demanded that they take me to a doctor. My stupid father actually pulled a gun on them. My mother hated me and stopped me from ever having any choice about anything in my life. She beat me with switches I had to get from a plum tree in our yard. She hit me, she yelled at me and told me I did not matter. That nothing I could ever think or say mattered. She would get me in the bathtub and "wash" my privates until I cried out. She threatened me with a shot-gun. My father took every opportunity that came my way and crushed it. He sexually abused me from when I was about four until just before I reached puberty. My mother died of being an angry alcoholic all the time but my father is still alive. And I realized last night that he is still trying to take things away from me by twisting the details of my life and lying about me. He is trying to pit my brother and I against each other so that we don't get too close again and realize what a low life creep he really is. I don't know what to do any more. I just want my father out of my life. Amazingly enough all of this is true. I put myself through college and I have a decent job with NO THANKS TO THEM. Please don't blame your babies for being born.

Wondering why,you really have gone through some unimaginable things.every time I read new posts here I just keep getting more shocked than before at how some parents can treat their chidren.and yes they treat you like you were asked to be born and now are a burden.I hope you cut them out of your life at an earlier age so you could move on with your life and love yourself because if you don't know one will.being strong and moving on without selfish and cruel people around you is the best thing you can do for yourself.I have let go of many things my mother did to me because I am not in contact with her anymore.if I were still in contact with her,she would still be doing more things to hurt me and I would still be keeping and building more things in my heart for her and I realised that keeping things in my heart was not going to be very good for me or my health in the long run.so I let go.and I have never regretted it.stay strong and keep your head up and if you believe in God ask Him to help you heal.He will.

I myself have went through this with my mother. She would call me stupid or she wouldn't make a big deal over my grades in school, but she would make a big deal when my sisters would get good grades. I would have to be the one to clean, work and I was hardly ever aloud out with my friends. I would get hit all the time for reasons I am still clueless about today. I am currently 24 years old and I am doing great for myself and she continues to talk about me. Make up lies about me and just do things to break my heart. I am still loyal to her and I never do anything to hurt her. I just hold everything in and try to forgive her. I just don't understand why she is like this? I have always been a good kid no matter what. I guess I will never know.

Please look up a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder. You desperately need this information. Your mother sounds like a textbook case. I wish you well. You have suffered enough.

I have seen some severe negativity from a mother that works right next to me at my postal job. She is angry with her teen son everyday and is always seeking sympathy for her situation. As a mother myself, I honestly do not understand her beefs. She is angry because her son's car has costly repairs. She is angry because he only has a B average and therefore states she will not pay for college. She is angry because he is chosing sports over a job. She is just plain angry and I am sure the boy knows there is more going on than normal parental concerns.

She is a single parent, and I understand there are concerns. Honestly though, if you aren't willing to cut off your right arm for your children...don't have them. I even heard this particular mother state that her parents love her a lot more than her son. How ridiculous. There are obvious mental problems here.

For children of mental cases such as this, please seek help. This way you can learn how to deal with the lack of love and maybe come to an understanding and find a way to bridge your gaps. Everybody needs a parent, but some people will just have to learn to be their own parents and even go so far as to learn to parent their own mothers and fathers. Sorry. But that may be the only sane answer...that and prayer. Blessings. yep there are some mothers who have mentle problems for sure

You are out of your mind! Your babies were not asked to be born. I was not asked to be born and I feel like my cruel parents blamed me for being born. I'm 42 years old and finally realizing that the horrible abuse they smothered me in was not my fault. My parents confined me so much as a baby that I nearly was not able to walk. I didn't walk until I was three years old! My grandmother and aunts came to my parents house and demanded that they take me to a doctor. My stupid father actually pulled a gun on them. My mother hated me and stopped me from ever having any choice about anything in my life. She beat me with switches I had to get from a plum tree in our yard. She hit me, she yelled at me and told me I did not matter. That nothing I could ever think or say mattered. She would get me in the bathtub and "wash" my privates until I cried out. She threatened me with a shot-gun. My father took every opportunity that came my way and crushed it. He sexually abused me from when I was about four until just before I reached puberty. My mother died of being an angry alcoholic all the time but my father is still alive. And I realized last night that he is still trying to take things away from me by twisting the details of my life and lying about me. He is trying to pit my brother and I against each other so that we don't get too close again and realize what a low life creep he really is. I don't know what to do any more. I just want my father out of my life. Amazingly enough all of this is true. I put myself through college and I have a decent job with NO THANKS TO THEM. Please don't blame your babies for being born. That is a teriible experience and a demonstration that such evil in parents exist. You should be damn proud of yourself. I had a mom like this no she did not do those things to me but the emotional abuse was ridiculous and she beat the out of me over my dads drinking. What a wackado. Im on this site here because I realize I need help with this at 45 arguing with my mother to this day and taking stuff from you forget it. It's the old saying you cannot give what you did not get. I have struggled emensely to love myself. A mothers love is very important and my mother knows exactly how to stiffle and frustrate me. At least I am not alone and this feels good. I wish you the very best, Oppertunities where stolen from me by my parents no doubt and I have been very angry about it.

Man forget about it. I got on here and listened to some of these stories and it just made my blood boil. My mother by all outward appearances is a sweet innocent woman, everyone loves her and perhaps she really is sweet but with me nothing could be further from the truth. For some reason she just hated me and I have never been able to figure out why. It is so complex and so disturbing to my mentle stat that it has screwed up my thinking and life for many years. Im actually mentally ill from her effects, totally and in the field of psychology it is a well known fact that one can induce memntle illness in another. Take the word depressogenic there are such people who are actually depressogenic and I would have to say both my parents had this effect on me. It is truly depressing. I have struggled my whole life and I am so saddened by the fact that I will never know why god choose for me such a mentle case. Its not justa mother thing this is a mentle thing where something is seriously wrong with these people. Look up another word Schizoid oh my god what an enigma and this is definitely my mother. I'm sick of trying to figure this out, I'm just going to live my life as I always have. God I pray for those children who areborn to these parents really, what a crises it is and what a disturbing experience it is to be brought up by disturbed people

Yes my mother or a lady I once called my mother was a very jelouse person she always made my life a living nightmare even though I did nothing wrong, and even now as I made my own living with my two children she called cps on me and told them I was physically abusing them I would never hurt my children in a million years, but the case was dropped, and so was she from my life I refuse to speak to her and never want to see her again so yes I can say my mom hates me because no mother would do this sort of thing to her child if she truly loved them.

yes my mother or a lady I once called my mother was a very jelouse person she always made my life a living nightmare even though I did nothing wrong, and even now as I made my own living with my two children she called cps on me and told them I was physicaly abusing them I would never hurt my children in a million years, but the case was dropped, and so was she from my life I refuse to speak to her and never want to see her again so yes I can say my mom hates me because no mother would do this sort of thing to her child if she truley loved them. Guess what, its not that your mother hates you as much as she hates herself. This is what the problem is. How can you give what you do not have. Sad but true. Nevertheless life is worth living and there is so much good it is just so sad that we get these parents that really are very hurtfull

Nevertheless life is worth living and there is so much good
If you can still say this after being raised by such profoundly "disturbed people", you are headed in the right direction. Courage, friend.

Yes there is good out there, and I am stronger now because of my dispiteful mother I now know how not to raise my children. I am 32 living my own life without her and I am now much happier. I do not have the stress on my shoulder wondering if I am always pleasing her or if I am doing something wrong.

If you can still say this after being raised by such profoundly "disturbed people", you are headed in the right direction. Courage, friend. I could never have made it this far if I did not have these beleifs all along. I do have help from friends and support groups and even god when I believe in him. Otherwise it has not been easy. Thank you for the compliment:) I have com to undertsand that it never was me and with that I have forgiven myself for the mistakes I made that where beyond my control. I have considered the past mistakes and broken dreams and I have had to let them go and build anew.

I'm a mother of 3 grown children. I cannot for the life of me understand why "any" mother would treat her child in that manner. No it isn't normal. Narcissism is more like it.

Absolutley spot on! My mother put the N into Narcissist!

My mother despised me, told me I shouldn't have been born on many an occasion, prevented me from attending school, seeing friends, even attempted to stop me from starting work when I was lucky enough to get a job, albeit low paid as I had no qualifications whatsoever.

This was going back years now, I only wish we had the laws on attending school then like we did now, when I was supposed to be in school the then "school board" had been fazed out, and there wasn't much else.

I left home when I was 16, I'm 38 now and have had nothing to do with her since my dear dad passed away 4yrs ago, although she did attempt to find me when she found out I had moved to a well to do part of the country (she always was a gold digger,and must have thought I'd come into some money)

She tried to trick a friend of ine into giving her my new address, even though my friend had offered to pass letters on to my daughter and me from her.

Good riddance is what I say, just because someone is related to you, does not mean they are a good person, I sometimes wonder how on earth we are actually blood related, she is vile.

Sorry to hear about your mother OP, get on with your own life, you don't need her :)

I will say this and it occurred to me very recently. Think about this very fact that animals do not kill there young and yet there are parents who destroy them. Now oneday, oneday hopefully before I die but probably not there should be put in place a licensing program in which potential mothers and fathers are tested with a battery of detailed and informative psychological tests to determine of they would be fit to be parents. If found not healthy, it would be mandatory for them to attend an educational program with counseling to help them get straight in which they could choose to go or forfeit their desire to be parents. Something of this nature has to be put in place to offset the trerrible burden placed on unloved children in this world
Now secondly for those who struggle to forgive or who have a need to punish there families and take back control this can be a very hard thing to do. If you have been unjustly victimized by the ones who proport to love you and have such a responsibility it is very hard for a sane reasoning person to be able to do this. I came upon such a solution for myself and it may work for you. I have actually written a mock lawsuit against my parents, my mother in particular in which I am suing her for every buit of damage she has caused me. I am not finished writing it yet but il tell you this. It has given me a sense of control over something I actually had no control over. Granted I cannot actually do this but if the day ever comes that it can be done I have mine written and I am ready to defend myself. That alone gives me so much solace.
This truly has been a very carthetic experience for me. I am always very invested in recovery and I have found this to be one very important step for me that came to me one morning when I was in deep pain from an argumnt the night before. It has proven very useful for me and I hope it helps someone else out there who struggles with anger over how they have been treated. It take s a tremendous amount of work to ovrcome this pain and ill do whatever it takes to have a happy normal existence. God bless and touch every soul who suffers the abuse of poor parenting and unloving parents. It truly is the greatest crime that constantly goes unpunished an in many cases is unprovoked and is the source of so much hidden pain in this world. Do everything you need to do to get better. It is worth it.:)

It take s a tremendous amount of work to ovrcome this pain and ill do whatever it takes to have a happy normal existence.
I'm sure you speak the truth here. For being willing to do that work, you're a hero in my book.

God bless and touch every soul who suffers the abuse of poor parenting and unloving parents.
Amen to that!

Do everything you need to do to get better. It is worth it.:)
Encouraging words, and coming from you, believable. Thanks.

I'm sure you speak the truth here. For being willing to do that work, you're a hero in my book.

Amen to that!!

Encouraging words, and coming from you, believable. Thanks. Hi there ordinary guy
Thank you so much for the encouraging words. Oh it is all true. The horrific up bringing by some very twisted people for sure. I will always love my parents but I will never understand them.
Life could have been a lot better for me, believe it or not I was asked to participate in the NHL lockout as a player replacement by a man who put four individuals into the NHL. I am 19 years sober. I went back to college and got a degree in none other than you guessed it, psychology. I graduated luad with a 3.9. I run my own business and my mother still will not recognize any of my achievements. Is that not amazing or what. Believe me it is truly unreal as far as I am concerned. If I did not have the mental capacity as a child to overcome her hatred I would be dead and should be.
I have some story. I shinned shoes in the bars my father drank at to make money so that I could pay my coach to play Hockey. I can go on and on. Talent was never the issue, I see today that it was support. At 15 I was playing batham hockey and Midget also with the 17 year olds advanced. Here is where the real pain of this miserable experience begins. The nightmares the drinking etc. How I made it through is beyond me but God do I have so much more today. I survived it.

I played minor pro in the early 80s and played some hockey in canada. I had an opportunity to go to Germany as an import player in 1989 ( I could not go with 6 months sobriety regrettably I had to let it go to stay sober) that still annoys me a little bit but more good news to come. I went back to school a mentioned earlier and I graduated college, what a miracle. I could write a book on the ups and downs of my life and maybe oneday I will. It truly has been one of insanity mixed with immense blessings. Imagine your mother beating you with a coat hanger and striking blood or smashing your face into the kitchen sink because you did not like the turnips. She actually broke my front tooth on that one

In 1989 the year I got sober I cracked, that is when the miracle of my recovery began. I don't know what it is within me that kept me going and allowed me to keep the faith but I can say this. Perhaps my faith comes from a place that refuses me to allow myself to hate myself. I always had faith in God and the sacredness of life and my very being. I think that is what it is ultimately. I believed all along in the sacredness of my soul and the inherent goodness in who I was as far back as I can remember.

The accomplishments I have had in sobriety are unreal and let me say this. I never had one ounce of support except for my therapist who saw me when I entered the hospital in feb of 1989. I had everyone against me even my own parents sounds crazy but its true. I know it is because I lived it. My dad never once complemented me and never came to watch me play hockey as a kid except for once. I was captain of my team at 12 years old. Can you imagine what that was like for me when I went to the allstar game as a kid and they had a ceremonial trophy awards and I walked up to the table and when I looked at the trophy I saw my name. Let me tell you that trophy I still have. I was only 12 and my dad was never there for me at all, he needed to drink I guess. I had so much promise and so much hope.

What a strange life I have had and yet what a good one in so many ways. That is why you hear me say to people on this board that recovery is worth it. Of course it is worth it. Every soul is worth it. Ultimately we have too understand that we are unique that there is not one other person in this world like us and that we are all scared. That has been my belief all along and Ill believe it till I die. I am 45 now and I do not have any regrets anylonger except the fact that I ever drank an even that is diminishing. I want to thank you for your compliments. I do not know who you are but I do appreciate them. Hopefully these words and experiences can help someone else to recover from there pain:)

Is everyday perfect, no. Do I still have pain , yes but more than anything else I always hold onto the hope as I did in my youth that tomorrow just might be a better day and maytimes I have found it is. Just like that majical day in 1975 when I went to play an allstar game at St Anthonys and did not even know they would be giving out trophys on that day and when I went over to look at all the gorgious trophys I had no idea that there was one on that table for for me. I had never receieved a personal trophy but I can still remmeber till this veryday how lucky I felt and how gratefull I was to see that there was one with my name on it one for me and it said my name Our lady Of Angels Most Valuable Player. I learned a lot about myself that day. I learned a lot about how my teamates and coaching staff felt about me. Most of all I learned to never quite and the only thing I ever quite on in this life was drinking and that was19 years ago.

I think the incidents you mention show that mothers hate their children. Maybe they just want to hide how messed up they feel.

I haven't read everyone else's ideas... but I wonder if the phenomenon of having children too early plays into this.

If the mothers give up their "independant adult" time because they have children, I think they could resent their children (unfairly) because of this.

It is so important for adults to have that time in their late teens and early-mid twenties (at least) to live their lives, test their limits and have some (responsible) fun... so that when the kiddos start coming into their lives they will not feel like they missed out on their own lives.

I waited to have kids and I feel richer because of that. I have wonderful memories and stories and experiences from that time in my life and I look forward to sharing those stories with my children as they grow up.

Having an identity separate from "mom" is essential to healthy relationships with your children.

I haven't read everyone else's ideas....but I wonder if the phenomenon of having children too early plays into this.

If the mothers give up their "independant adult" time because they have children, I think they could resent their children (unfairly) because of this.

It is so important for adults to have that time in their late teens and early-mid twenties (at least) to live their lives, test their limits and have some (responsible) fun....so that when the kiddos start coming into their lives they will not feel like they missed out on their own lives.

I waited to have kids and I feel richer because of that. I have wonderful memories and stories and experiences from that time in my life and I look forward to sharing those stories with my children as they grow up.

Having an identity separate from "mom" is essential to healthy relationships with your children. In Psychology that is a no brainer. It is called indentity foreclosure and this is a problem with women who leave from the family home and just get married. That's why I never date a woman who never left home and lived in her own, no matter how much she claims to love me. My education and degree in psychology has paid to have in so may ways and if you are a young woman stuck at home with mom and dad I suggest you move out and live on your own by yourself for a period

There's a word for it.. its called jelousy

Well, my mother is kind of mean to me. She'll tell me I'm fat. Or tell me that my hair looks terrible, or that my jeans are giving me a muffin top. I'm 5'1" and 117 pounds... I'm normal sized however I have manic depression and social anxiety disorder. At 17 (my current age), my mother got pregnant with me, things were okay, then she had my brother at 19. And after that she ballooned out to being over 200lbs, and she is 5'1" as well. I think she daïs the things she does because she's jealous. I'm not pregnant, so I will be able to comfortably continue my education, I'm in good shape, which is more then she can say. So honestly, I wouldn't say it's hate.. I think she's just purely jealous that I'm a better person that she could have been at 17. Any help in answering?

Well, my mother is kind of mean to me. She'll tell me I'm fat. Or tell me that my hair looks terrible, or that my jeans are giving me a muffin top. I'm 5'1" and 117 pounds... I'm normal sized however I have manic depression and social anxiety disorder. At 17 (my current age), my mother got pregnant with me, things were okay, then she had my brother at 19. And after that she ballooned out to being over 200lbs, and she is 5'1" as well. I think she dais the things she does because she's jealous. I'm not pregnant, so I will be able to comfortably continue my education, I'm in good shape, which is more then she can say. So honestly, I wouldn't say it's hate.. I think she's just purely jealous that I'm a better person that she could have been at 17. Any help in answering?
You might be right and with all that turmoil that can be in your head that's a pretty clear and well thought out observation. Has it occurred to her that perhaps she could lose the weight also and instead of being jealous perhaps take a page out of your book and join with you and get a positive affirmation as opposed to be jealous. That is what pisses me off about people. Instead of being happy for you they are jealous it makes no sense

Why would a parent especially a mother be jealous of her own child and blood?it beats me.if anything they have to be proud if their children turned out better than them and know that they did a good job bringing them up and playing a part in their success.but yes,it's true that lots of mothers out there are very jealous of their children especially the daughters.and it might not look like a very serious issue for anyone who has not experienced first hand what some others have gone through but it does make a part of you die permanently although it doesn't mean you have to give up on life.sometimes a friend can always be closer than a relative and be there for you when you need them and love you unconditionally.if family can't give you the love and support you need without criticizing you,making you feel bad always and hurting your feelings at every opportunity then it's better to move on and find someone else who will and believe me,there are good people out there who will make you feel worthy of yourself and not make you feel like a failure and cherish your love for them too.mothers who behave in such unspeakable ways will never change(frome my experience) so giving them a chance in life to do so will only destroy who you are.the fact that they brought you into this world doesn't make you indebted to them in anyway.in short there are some people who shouldn't be allowed to be parents at all.

To answer this question I guess we really don't know why. Some things only God knows. My mother had me at age 14 and my father was 20. I have a really great vivid memory and can remember almost everything that's ever happened in my life like it was yesterday. My parents were very young trying to raise me and I think that has something to do with it. I understand my Mother may have been scorned by the fact that my father cheated on her with many different women and I had to witness all the fights and all the drama between them at a very young age which was hard for me. My mother may have also been abused as a child by her mother which I heard from other family members. I still feel that doesn't give her the right to do the things she does to me and my other little sisters. She calls them out their name constantly and talks down on us constantly and their only age 6 & 8. I feel my mother is mentally retarded. She says she loves us but she always says it so dry and I have a very hard time saying it back. I mean she is very mean and has a evil irritable attidude 24/7. She took me from all my friends in Florida and moved me away with her without warning(tear). She's very hippacritical. She tries to tell others how to parent their kids when she can't even raise her own properly. I strongly dislike her and I feel she is ruining my life. Life is too short as it is and all she wants me to do is stay home and watch my sisters. She's so lazy and is always calling somebody else lazy. I feel she is a lowlife. She is never satisfied with anything and has a bitter heart. She always tries to play the victim and never evaluates herself. I can't blame my father because he has changed as a person. Don't get me wrong he's not perfect. I mean no one is but he is loving and he is a Sunday school teacher and he has chosen God to lead him.

I just wish my mother would just leave me alone and just go on with her life. When I'm away from her I never miss her. Itz just...

This issue is very complex and one that obviously causes lifelong anguish for its victims. My mother spent her high school years as an invalid recovering from a spine injury that left her cripple and late to marry. When she did it was to an abusive husband that she didn't love or respect (rightfully so). They had 7 children and my twin and I are the oldest. Fortunately my twin and I were given away to my grandparents at about 1 year old. My mother was jealous of me but not my twin, she said I had my father's eyes (and therefore assumed I must be like him). She also appears to have made me a scapegoat for her troubles. She made rude comments about me when she visited, for instance, if anything was broken she immediately blamed me even though a younger sister would be standing over the object with me across the room. She would tell my grandmother "See you think she's so perfect and look what she's done." Other quotes are "The only pretty thing about you is your hair." "She deserves to be strangled, she made me let you all stay out late" (that was said as she was beating my twin over the back with a garden hose so she wouldn't interrupt my punishment), "She's cold hearted". And after I was grown and thought that even though we didn't have a mother/child relationship perhaps now we could just be friends, I heard her say to her 2nd husband just prior to knocking on the door, "Why does SHE has to visit us." And when my first book was published and I gave a copy to my siblings her only comment was "Your hair is almost as long as Linda's." This woman also, after six girls, made her son a surrogate husband, nursing him until he was 6 and calling him her "little man" that would protect her. As an adult, every time he found a girlfriend and moved away she called with a crisis (hearing burglars outside) and he moved back into the house. At almost 50 he lives alone (she's in a nursing home).

I understand that people prior to the last 20 years had very little professional guidance for their mental well being or for parenting. Many had horrible childhoods or marriages and had to cope on their own.

My resentment comes from my siblings not understanding why I don't care and thinking that I'm strange and the culprit when my mother now says she wonders why I'm not close to her like the others and she wants to make up. I feel it's her current way of playing "victim" and getting attention at the expense of others (this time me). I've learned to counter with pretending everything is fine and not saying what I really think to my siblings. Only my twin understands because the younger siblings seem to have very few memories of their childhoods and they were all treated with love. She used me as her scapegoat and object of jealousy, and suffocated my brother as her protector.

I am very fortunate that my grandparents raised me and my heart goes out to those who didn't have this lifeline. Due to this I don't hate my mother but I don't love her either and don't feel there is a law that says we owe it to our tormentors.

I agree some mother are really not to be trusted they are fake , not good mother at all , they bring affair ness to children I am still hurt with that trying to focus a mother should be your friend , your confider and everything but some are nasty at that their nature

It is disappointing to see the mothers that don't value their kids. Not everyone can have them. It's a sugar and spice part of life. My step-daughter's mother walked out of her like at a year old. Mind you, this woman has 2 other kids. One older than my step-daughter and the other younger than her. And the grandmother of all these children takes the kids for one night a month. And my step-daughter doesn't get to see her mother. She cries to me about not getting accepted at school. And I know that has a lot to do with her mother not wanting too be apart of her life. I told my step-daughter that I may not be "her mother", but that I will b here for her and I understand her bcause my father never wanted to know me, he still doesn't even after I've made several attemps to b in his life.

I'm not a mom but I know quite a few.

1. Because they don't realize the importance of it.

2. Because they think they are giving the child motivation but don't realize they're sabotaging

3. Because jealously rears it's ugly head

4. Because there's another problem going on and they're transferring it onto the kids.

The list goes on but these are the most common to me

I think we make the mistake of putting parents above human fault. We regard them as mentors, counsellors, unconditionally loving, no matter what we do.

To step back and realize they aren't perfect, and what they say and do is sometimes hurtful and harmful is realizing they are, human, after all. Some are better than others, some discriminate among their offspring, some are just plain mean, some say one thing but really mean another.

Realizing that at the adult stage of your life means you have to just accept them as they are. As an adult, you have to make your own calls, and if knowing that your parent(s) have a negative effect on you, you compensate by knowing that a visit of one hour is okay, but three hours will leave you depressed for a week.

Confronting, or blaming, or expecting them to be different, open and honest once you have reached adulthood and are on your own, is unrealistic. You could spend your lifetime trying to get answers and apologies, and all you've done is waste time.

I agree that people should pass at least some sort of competency test before having children. Just the basics. I work with three young women, single, who all decided to have a baby at the same time. One just had hers yesterday, and the others will soon be following. Babies as a fashion accessory.

It might be a good idea to start a diary to get all that simmering negativity out in the open. As the past rears its ugly head, write it out. How it affects your life, your anger, confusion etc. Write as long, and as much as you have to.

Then, when you are satisfied that you've addressed all these memories and incidents, burn the book.

I never had mom but latley going to co which is really helping me since I started going to cousenling it has help me allot ,change me really happy now.I have cut my mother out of my life because I was giving myself expectation that was never there , something that will never ever happen, I had to grief the mother I never had forever that helps me allot , at least I accept that my mother was never there she had choice gave me away , for 26 years of age I had burden on my shoulder but once , I did what I explain earlier it help me allot I am happy don't want to see her ever as she hurts me all the time she can never be happy for me , she is jealous , and can't accept me for who I am and she envy me allot, but there is no love so I had to move on .I am even glad to share these expiereince with anyone I feel am free though I am focusing on myself now just me just once for all

Good for you Vekaama!

You have been brave enough to learn how to live your life without the guilt and pain of an unloving parent.

It really is grieving isn't it. You grieve for what will never happen. In a way, relationships of all stripes go through the same thing. You have to realize the loss, learn how to cope with it, and move on.

It is good that you've reached a level of confidence and I applaud you for that. Far too many people live their lives in the shadow of 'what should have been'.

Its part off grieve to me due that I had gave myself expectation that one day me and my mom will be mother and daughter I tried to make her life better , help me young sister she raised , help her allot , but all I was getting hurts me self I could never find a mother who accept me , but now I have accepted she will never be there , never was .You could give your kids away but once they come back to find you.Showing you don't care its hurts allot emotional , also a girl not having amom is such a traumatic expeierince and has affect on your moral and everything.But able to indetify theseissued for me and able to deal with I give me self praise it took me 26 years thanks god I can talk about these without being depresss .thnaks allot anyway

I can relate. I was born 10 months after my older sister. It was obvious that I wasn't the favorite daughter. But, as I look back at my childhood, it was always in the shadow of my older sister. Today, I've accepted that my mother was only a person who gave birth to me. She was never a friend or supported me when times were hard or I needed a shoulder to cry on. I was my dad's favorite and I think that is another reason why she hated me. i.e. talk ill about me to family, friends and associates when I'm not around. Blame me for her shortcomings, etc. I'm now in my mid 40's and I've grown to forgive her but yet stay away from her. It's too bad, cause she lost out on a really loyal and cool daughter.

First of all, thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It is good to know I am not alone!

I am coming to terms with the fact that my mother hates me. I have spent my whole life trying to maintain a relationship with her, but I have finally decided to move on.

I used to always look at things from her perspective, and feel for her and the difficulties in her life, and believe she did the best she could with what she had. But I was only kidding myself to spare the pain of the truth.

She was mean and cruel to me. She treated me like a slave, my whole life was centered around her needs. She berated the way I looked, walked, and talked. She flew into rages and beat me. I am just starting to sleep most nights, after over twenty years of insomnia - such was the terror that woman instilled in me.

I think she was jealous of me. I still think she is.

I finally moved far far away from her, and my dad, who could care a less either. Now that I am in a safe place far from her clutches and her negative perspective on me - I am beginning to heal. And all of the forgiveness I had before had vanished. Now I am angry. I have children of my own, and they are the most precious things in my life. I am proud of them, and I know they are better than me. When I think of the things my parents did to me and my brother and I look at my kids the same age, I want to smack my parents back to the stone age.

They have no remorse for anything they did. They were the perfect parents and we were the ungrateful kids. In truth they were a couple of low life drunks who could not be othered to keep us fed or supervised. Mean spirited, cruel s.

I am glad I moved so far away, and I don't care if I ever see them again.

The funny thing is I used to work in nursing homes and I would always be stunned by all of the people just left there and forgotten. I would think, how could you abandon your own parents? There is no way I could ever do that! Now my perspective has changed. I don't see any reason to give up my life, that I have had to fight tooth and nail for, to ever help them. They have never helped me, unless you consider birthing me - and I did not ask for that. Oh and I had to hear how she should have had an abortion because I ruined her life. Well maybe you should have kept your legs closed!

If these relationships are damaging to you or driving you crazy, remove yourself. Stay away from people who make you feel bad.

My mother was cruel to me and I moved 3,000 miles to get away from her. I think she is depressed, insecure, and angry about herself and she took it out on me. It's a form of bullying. I don't think she even realizes what she's doing and I think she would say she was a good mother who did "everything" and she did do all the required things, driving me place to place, feeding me, vounteering at the school, but I think she hated every minute of it for her own reasons. Being a mother is hard, hard work and if someone isn't cut out for it, then I think certain types of people just crack. My mom did. I am so proud of myself, I have broken the cycle (by all accounts)

First of all, thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences. It is good to know I am not alone!

I am coming to terms with the fact that my mother hates me. I have spent my whole life trying to maintain a relationship with her, but I have finally decided to move on.

I used to always look at things from her perspective, and feel for her and the difficulties in her life, and believe she did the best she could with what she had. But I was only kidding myself to spare the pain of the truth.

She was mean and cruel to me. She treated me like a slave, my whole life was centered around her needs. She berated the way I looked, walked, and talked. She flew into rages and beat me. I am just starting to sleep most nights, after over twenty years of insomnia - such was the terror that woman instilled in me.

I think she was jealous of me. I still think she is.

I finally moved far far away from her, and my dad, who could care a less either. Now that I am in a safe place far from her clutches and her negative perspective on me - I am beginning to heal. And all of the forgiveness I had before had vanished. Now I am angry. I have children of my own, and they are the most precious things in my life. I am proud of them, and I know they are better than me. When I think of the things my parents did to me and my brother and I look at my kids the same age, I want to smack my parents back to the stone age.

They have no remorse for anything they did. They were the perfect parents and we were the ungrateful kids. In truth they were a couple of low life drunks who could not be othered to keep us fed or supervised. Mean spirited, cruel s.

I am glad I moved so far away, and I don't care if I ever see them again.

The funny thing is I used to work in nursing homes and I would always be stunned by all of the people just left there and forgotten. I would think, how could you abandon your own parents? There is no way I could ever do that! Now my perspective has changed. I don't see any reason to give up my life, that I have had to fight tooth and nail for, to ever help them. They have never helped me, unless you consider birthing me - and I did not ask for that. Oh and I had to hear how she should have had an abortion because I ruined her life. Well maybe you should have kept your legs closed!

If these relationships are damaging to you or driving you crazy, remove yourself. Stay away from people who make you feel bad.

So sorry to hear you experience with your mother and yes you're not the only one and I think you made the right decision to get away from her else she would have dragged you down with her.same as me,I will never see her again but when I have kids of my own I will do everything in my power not to become my mother.I hope your wounds heal in time because I know how hard it can be to let go,but I realize that if you let go it's always easier to live a happy life instead of being angry about the past.you cannot change the past but you can change your future by letting all the pain,hurt and anger go and staying away from those people who put you down.AND YES IT FEELS REALLY GOOD TO LET GO OF ALL THE ANGER AND PAIN IN YOUR HEART. Those people didn't know the wonderful person you are and who the lost and it's their loss at the end of the day.stay blessed!

My mother was cruel to me and I moved 3,000 miles to get away from her. I think she is depressed, insecure, and angry about herself and she took it out on me. It's a form of bullying. I don't think she even realizes what she's doing and I think she would say she was a good mother who did "everything" and she did do all the required things, driving me place to place, feeding me, vounteering at the school, but I think she hated every minute of it for her own reasons. Being a mother is hard, hard work and if someone isn't cut out for it, then I think certain types of people just crack. My mom did. I am so proud of myself, I have broken the cycle (by all accounts)

From your experience it sounds so similar to mine and others here.my mother also reminded me that she's doing everything for me,like clothing,food and shelter,but even though she provided for me basically she treated me like crap and just like you I have promised myself never to be my mother.I just cannot see myself treating my kids so cruelly

Most mothers don't hate their children. They may hate what they do or say. They may hate that their children do not live up to their potential. Mothers often inherit a legacy of perceived or actual abuse from their parents and don't know how to break the cycle. Do your best to repair the relationship before she dies or you will regret any misunderstandings of the past. Hope this helps someone.

Most mothers don't hate their children. They may hate what they do or say. They may hate that their children do not live up to their potential. Mothers often inherit a legacy of perceived or actual abuse from their parents and don't know how to break the cycle. Do your best to repair the relationship before she dies or you will regret any misunderstandings of the past. Hope this helps someone.

I don't think I'll ever regret getting far away from my mother and our misunderstandings even if she passes today or tomorrow because she was just pure poison in my life.I agree that some mothers may be hating that their children don't live up to their potential but not all mothers hate their children for that reason only.jealousy is very prominent in these "mother hating children" cases.

Wow. I don't think mothers hate their children. I think some mothers (a small minority) feel very badly about themselves and the kind of mother they have been, and the pain and sadness and self-deprecating thoughts come out as bitterness toward their kids. Some may also have had really terrible childhoods themselves, and see their children having more opportunities, better homes and if the children do not appreciate those things, they resent that pattern of taking things for granted and might even be jealous.

I have no personal experience with this - my mother and I are close, my son and I are close, my grandmothers and I were close...

But there have been times when I didn't get along with my mother - she was my safe place to fall and sometimes I took things out on her when I shouldn't have when I was younger and less mature, she felt attacked...

If you feel your mother is hateful, consider for a while that she might be in pain. Try to understand what hurts her so much. It might help.