Ok apologies that this is really long... kinda need to write it to get my head around it.

So, my boyfriend and I were together for nearly 4 years. We broke up during the summer. He officially did the breaking up but I had also been planning to but hadn't had the courage to. He felt I'm 'his perfect woman' but he had fallen out of love with me. While, I felt he was not 'the one' and wasn't completely happy with him but couldn't help still loving him.

As it seemed mutual we decided we would do the 'let's stay friends thing' but knew we needed time apart to deal first. I found this very difficult. You see, I had wanted to break up and had known for a long time that he wasn't 'the one'... long-term - he's selfish, no drive, doesn't click with my friends or family... but on the other hand me and him alone together felt like we were the one person - same interests, thoughts, opinions, incredible closeness, never fought.

After a while apart we started meeting up as friends which was nice, if a tad awkward... this worked until our first night drinking together at a mutual friend's party. We ended up having a big chat and to cut a long story short we slept together. Before this night, I had thought he had moved on because he said he no longer loved me but that night he got angry and punched a wall when he heard I'd been with other guys, he said he thought if we'd met when we were older we would've got married and said he was so upset about the breakup that he'd gone out drinking nearly every night in 5 weeks and kept crying when he was at home alone. He even rang me the next evening saying he found our night together very upsetting and it made him very confused. I at this stage felt good about the break up and this night felt almost like a kind of closure.

However, few days later I found out he was dating someone new. He had met her a week before our night together. I was crushed but I was moving away from our home town so was able to remove myself from the drama and try to move on.

We didn't speak for nearly 4 months... and I found out during this time that this new girl became his girlfriend and that they were saying 'i love you' to each other. She was moving away for work but they had decided to do long-distance until he can save up enough money to move to her in about 7months or so.

2 weeks ago we met up at a friend's birthday. It was awkward with him at first but then he began sitting beside me and saying he wanted us to chat and be friendly with each other again. It started very nice and friendly but led to us having a 'chat' outside on our own for nearly 2 hours... and involved both us crying about our break-up.

In the chat he said the following;

My parents and you are the only people that I feel truly know me... I love them and I love you.

My friends don't know me... they're idiots. You're the only person I wanted to talk to and spend the party with. What we have is too good to lose.

I wish I could be the man that's right for you. But, I'll always be too selfish for you. Do you think we'd ever work longterm? We wouldn't would we..

If we met when we were 30 I think we would've got married

About his new girlfriend – yeah I'd never cheat on her and plan to move to her... but who knows what will happen in the future.

You've not been replaced by her – it's like a completely new and different life with her. I will never forget what he had, it means so much to me

Kept going on about us creating a friendship and being close – but says we need to wait until 'the feelings (sexual tension) go'... "I find it hard to talk to you without feeling like I used to. It's so hard to be here with you and not 'with' you”

Also told me that --- For the last 2 or 3 months he knew he no longer loved me but wanted to, tried to convince himself that he did because he didn't want to lose me. Felt he wasn't being fair to me or giving me what I needed. Used to tell me he loved me near the end only because he wanted me to be happy, knew it was what I wanted to hear and was trying the convince himself that he did.

Yet, the day we broke up – he still wasn't sure that it was the right decision.

So... after all that... I don't know what the next step should be.

I am going home for xmas and he wants to meet up to finish talking about this. I do want to stay friends with him because I do miss him. Yet, I had got to a place where I could be happy for him and her and now I'm back wondering if we are meant to try to make it work again. If we are still so close, why should we through it away? But, if I stay friends with him now I'm worried it'll stop me moving on. I'm not going to pursue anything with him while he is with her... I would never do that.

Do you think he is regretting us breaking up? Or, is he just lonely now that she has left and is using me as an emotional crutch?

You said that you already knew that you want to breakup, that he wasn't the one for you, yet you keep going back. I think you know he isn't the one, but since you haven't really found anyone to replace him, you are still keeping him hooked for occasional hookup.

It sucks to be lonely and Im sure you don't want to hurt him, but its really not fair to keep coming back to him when you know deep down that if you meet someone that you really liked you wouldn't have anything more to do with him at least that way.

I think both of you need to realize that your done as a couple and stop using each other. Take this time to grow as an indivdual who doesn't need partner to be happy. Having a partner should be a reflection of the inner strength we have. A partner should not be your source of strength! Good luck

Thanks for the help... but I feel I should reply to it.

I don't "keep going back" and I'm not "keeping him hooked for ocassional hookup"... we slept together only once since we broke up and it was not a hook up. It was incredibly emotional for both of us because we felt we had to break up but it was very difficult for us to do. Also, I tried to avoid having an intense chat with him the last time I saw him... he initiated the talk.

I'm not going to use him because I'm lonely. I'm not even sure what I want. But I know I still feel a lot for him. It's not that I miss being in a relationship, it's that I miss him as a person. What I was trying to get across is that I'm wondering if I got it wrong... Yes I did feel then that he wasn't the one and we needed to break up then... but maybe we had just backed ourselves into a corner... and needed this break up to realize what we had. Or maybe it is for the best? What I was trying to ask is if you guys think it sounds like he has moved on or not?

You may still feel we both need to move on nonetheless... thanks for the advice. Sounds like it might be the harder but better solution.

* By or lonely... I mean is he just lonely because his girlfriend has left the country?

I think he just lonely.
He did get ugly when he knew you had been with someone else. Why is he coming around again?
Leave him alone.

He is having a hard time letting go, and so are you. Of course he misses you, and you him, that's normal after a mutual break up, but know it leads no where, and all its doing is re feeling old feelings, and that has to stop.

The best thing to do is leave each other alone! What's more to discuss after a break up? This wanting and trying to be friends is what causing all this confusion, and drama. Go No Contact.

Why keep false hope alive? For what?

Enjoy the holiday with family or friends, and let him do the same.