I have a lot of issues regarding this that I have never dealt with. I seem to internalize everything, and am on the brink of suicide. After arguing with my husband over the past several days, it has clicked with me that I am not happy. It's not that I am not happy with my husband or my kids, its all on me. I need help! I have no medical insurance, with the forecast of not getting any. I really would love to go talk to some one before my husband admits me into the stress center. I live in the state of Indiana. Can someone please point me in the right direction?

IN.gov: Family & Health (http://www.in.gov/core/family.html)
Have you tried seeing if any of the services there would work for you?

I think realizing that you're unhappy and recognizing some of the behaviors, like internalizing everything, and being willing to get help is all a very important part of becoming happier.
While I think a personal therapist you can speak with one on one is best, in the meantime, we've got some really great people on this site. Feel free to keep posting here.

Hi Carrie,

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I too am a survivor of childhood molestation, and I too was molested by a family member. I do know what you're going through, even though everyone experiences things differently.

Therapy is really the best option, and I hope that you can find some way to get in to see a therapist (sadly I can't help with that, I'm not in the US and have no idea how their system works).

Like Justcurious said, there are lots of great members on this site, and if you just need to talk, we're here to listen. You're not alone in this, sadly.

I hope you come back.

Here is one place in Indiana that may help:

United Way of Central Indiana - AGENCY DIRECTORY (http://www.uwci.org/index.asp?p=146)

Thanks guys for the sites that you gave me. I am defientley going to check them out. I would love to have several one on one sessions with a therapist. I feel that I need to get A lot of stuff off my chest. The only person that I have ever felt comfortable talking about this too is my husband.

I know now that that wasn't probably a good idea. Not that my husband is a bad man, I just don't think that he fully understands what's going on in my head. He told me the other day to be truthful to him no matter what. So I did open up to him a lot last night. It didn't turn out to good. He told me that I need to figure out how to be happy. I told him I really don't know how. Honestly I don't know exactly what's making me unhappy, as crazy as that sounds. I'm thinking that it has to be the insecurities from my childhood, because it is on my mind quite often. Why can't I just let it go, I know that I have to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else.

Looking back at the last 12 years, my whole goal in life was to make everyone happy especially my husband and kids. Some how I have lost my way. I didn't realize till last night that the more I was trying to please him, the farther away I was pushing him. He always seems so distant from me.

I have now ran my husband off to having a online affair. I just found out about it a couple of weeks ago. It's just talking online nothing physical because of a 1000 distance in between.

In the beginning it didn't seem to bother me that much, but its killing me inside now. I have talked with him about this. He tells me that it is a woman that has similar problems like him,( being with someone that has major issues.) it really kills me when I walk in the room, and he logs off his little chat box.

He told me last night that it is that he is not attracted to my body, it is my personality and will for life. He was talking about divorce. Let me go on record right now and say that would send me over the edge in a heartbeat. We have been married for almost 12 years, and have 3 wonderful kids. God I don't know what to do. I am sitting here right now just crying my eyes out. I feel so lost! I just want to be happy.

Altenweg, have you accepted what happened, and been able to move on with a healthy life?

Thanks justcurious! Please bare with my format for this site. I am generally not a computer savvy person. I will def keep posting, it helps me just to talk.

One of my psych professors at school has done some research on happiness and part of one of her classes was for me to read this book called The How to of Happiness, by Sandra Lyubomirsky. Now, normally I'm not into self help books. But some of my other assignments for class were me doing my own research and I ended up reading a lot of studies on happiness, and quit a few of the studies done by this researcher. And I started practicing some of the exercises myself, and they actually worked. You can find articles online just googling the book and her name that sum up the advice pretty well and it's probably available at your local library too. I'm not suggesting this as a substitute for therapy or anything like that. But it does have some helpful advice in there based on actual research on the pursuit of happiness.

First most counties have mental health departments that see people on a sliding fee scale according to their income.
*** a lot of health insurance does not cover mental health well anyway.

Also places like Catholic Charities have counselors for various needs ( you don't have to be catholic, most of the people they help are not)
There are also religious leaders from the religion of your choice, many are trained in counseling.

I was really hoping that my husband would see that I have accepted that change is necessary. I told him that I loved him, and wondered if he would still be by my side after getting started seeing a psychiatrist. He just sighed and chuckled saying probably not. I know that I have a lot on my plate right now, but damn that was like a knife stabbing me in the heart. I guess there is no good answer for this. I really just wanted to get that off my chest, He was admitted to the stress center in a local town a few years ago, for a number of reasons. I stood by his side the whole time. With that being said I have always stood by his side threw thick and thin, and now he's not going to return the favor. Thank goodness I'm going to go talk to someone. I know this sounds harsh,and am truly not a violent person, but I want to reach through the computer and strangle his online lover. Don't get me wrong, I understand it goes both ways. He might be next. I really think that she is filling his head with lots of ideas. I have to keep reminding myself that I have to make myself happy before I can make anyone else happy. Should I just let go of all the hard work that we have both put into this marriage now or wait for him to leave me, and be totally crushed then?

How do I pursue this? Should I call around to the local churches, or just drop in and ask if there is someone I can talk too. My stomach is in such butterflies. There is so much to tell I have no idea where to start. Are they going to laugh at me.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but if he isn't willing to work with you and try and fix the marriage, then there is no hope for it.

Sounds like he's cheating on you. May be emotional cheating, but it's clearly cheating. You really deserve better than he's giving you.

Would he consider marriage counseling? Won't hurt to ask. If he refuses, then all you can do is move on.

That's really what I figured. The strangest thing is though he doesn't consider it cheating! Sending dirty text, and saying that you want to hold someone is cheating in my eyes.

Carrie, first and foremost, YOU are not to blame because your husband has decided to play games with another person instead of working on his marriage. HE made the choice. You didn't push him into anything. For him to even imply you are to to blame is bull.

It sounds like you have fallen into the trap that many women do of being there for everyone but themselves. It is complicated by your past. I truly hope you get the professional help you need to see that you can be happy whether or your 'husband' is there or not.

I suggest doing what is needed to help you find yourself and what helps you feel good about being you. If he doesn't want to be part of the solution, don't allow him to be part of the problem.

You don't say how old your children are or if you work outside the home. Even if the children are very young, you can make time for yourself to do things like take a community based class, volunteer, exercise, become involved in a hobby, etc. If they are in school, perhaps a part-time job. Which might be an idea especially if you are concerned about your husband leaving. Hobbies can be turned into money making projects. Though that can take time.

Good luck and remember there will be more advice coming. By responding (the Answer box at the bottom of the page gives more room for replying to the thread) and letting us know what you have tried and what you are open to attempting, the advice will get more detailed to your situation.

My kids ages are 13,11,7/ I have a full time job which I enjoy. I believe there comes a time when you have to cut your losses and move on. That is very difficult for me to say considering I have put so much work into it.

Tonight he seems so distant. He knows exactly how I feel about the situation. I think he is wanting me to play pity party tonight which I refuse to do. Is it normal to feel so numb to a situation that bothers me so much? As many things that I have going on right now, this cannot be one of them.

I want to know if it is normal to be numb to a situation that bothers me so badly? My husband acts like nothing is wrong even though I have read his daily emails to this lady. This is not in my nature, although I truly felt like he has drove me to this. Please give me some advice on this matter. What kind a woman talks to a married man like that. I would never dream of it. Now I'm not trying to say that he doesn't instigate her on. Although I would never dream of it.

Thanks in advance for all your help in this matter. I do plan on getting help, but can't do anything until Monday.

How long have you been married? I was in a similar situation but I wasn't numb to it. It really made me depressed I had to go on medicine and see a counselor. The situation with the other female ended, but I asked myself. If this happened again, will I leave him. The answer was no, so I decided that if I was not planning on leaving him then I won't look for what I don't want to find. I became numb, because I figure as long as he is treating me right, comes home at night, then as long as I never catch him I would be find. The difference is that before he was distant, which let me know there was somebody. After we fought it out and she eventually was out of our lives, he was never distant again, cause that is what got him caught. I am like this if it is not bothering you than leave it long. I go out with my friends and have fun, don't sit in the house pondering over him anymore.If it is bothering you than you need to approach him with it and like me I contacted the female and told her to step off cause my husband wasn't going no where, He was mad I called her but I did not care. Is this woman being intimate in the e-mails, or just talking in general? I have a friend who is married, and we talk all the time. He was my first boyfriends. He likes to flirt with me and I remind him that he has a wife... but we can relate and talk t each other about our relationships, and give each other advice. Presently, I really am not interested in what my husband is doing as long as he never stays out all night, and treats me right, because I am going through some sexual identity crises at the moment. I have found myself attracted to the female gender lately.. and don't know what to do because I am married 20 years an am not about to leave my husband, but I am contemplating having an affair with a female in the same situation I am in. Hey it will just be revenge for the time he cheated on me. But if you are numb to a situation like I am now about if he is cheating on me or not, then numb is better than depressed.

An ignorant woman does. I would send her an e-mail and tell her she is destroying a family, and then if he gets mad tell him he can leave. He is only doing this cause he knows you isn't going to leave. The minute he realizes you will leave, he will stop

I am having it out with my husband now. It is not pretty. We are poison for each other.

There's a lot of backstory that isn't given.

What were the earlier struggles? On his side? On your side?

Risk a little here. Tell us the real history.

Trust me... I've been in absurd places in relationships... where you look up and wonder how the hell it got there.

So... I'm glad to address the present, but it sure seems like there's a lot of perspective missing.

If you want real help, lets have the real, detailed background. Please?

I have to start a new thread, its much to long to explain in a comment. It will be labeled the other girl.


My husband of almost 12 years is walking out the door. Some part of me says stop, the other part says go. I am really in a pickle.Our children are at friends house tonight thank god. I have no idea what to do?

I think you should do a self hypnosis exercise that has helped me. For one, being molested as child is traumatic. My friends daughter was molested from age 6 to 12 before her mom found out her step father was doing it. My co-worker at school was raped at age five under a bridge by her brothers friend and left for dead. Her brother killed the friend and did ten years. My girlfriends niece was being molested by her father at age two. My friends sister killed her husband for molesitng one of her twin to year olds and did 7 years. My cousin has three children for her father, her mother left home because her daughter wanted her father. My other cousin screamed at school one day because she was tired of her father molesting her, but her mothe rdidnt believe her and made her recant, and he was never punished. I can go on and on with a list, but thi strauma in your childhood is carrying over to the trauma your husband is placing on you presently. I would ask your docter to put you on lexapro for now. It really helped me. Don't let your husband put you in a stress center, so he could have total freedom to do what he pleases while you are locked up. Once you are admitted toone of those places, it will follow you, and he can us eit against you . This counselor that I talked to told me to layon a counch real quiet, then picture all my emotions sitting around a table withtheir own identities.she pulled them outone by one. Then she told me to talk to each emotion as if it were a person and tell the emotion you want itto leave the table. One by one a chastised each emotion and told each emotion why I wanted it to leave. As I dismissed them she told me to picture a door that they would go behind with a lock on it. Once all of my emotions that were causing my depression were behind the door, she told me to vision a large lock on them. She said the only person that should be left at the table is me in control of the key. I did this exercise and it worked. Every time I felt the emotion trying to get out of that room I just add another lock and some chastising words telling the emotion to stay in their, because I did not want to be bothered with it. To this day I still use that technique, and my door is welded shut. I have had control of my life from then on. I don't wait by the window or phone to see where my husband is ator what he is doing.I go out with my friends I have escaped the prison that I built for myself. Take your life back. Start ignoring your husband. If he wants your attention,let him seek it, after awhile he will wonder if she is not pondering after me, who is she pondering after. These type of chatrooms are really therapeutic too. Find you a chat buddy to relate to it will distract you from his bull ****, and give you control of your life again. Don't let him commit you. A bottle of lexapro and a good counselor that you go and talk to on a weekly basis is all you need. Join a woman's support group and go out to coffee and dinner with them. On the meet up website thereare plenty of different meet up groups that plan events and meet up. Punch in what you need and they will find you. Punch in women that were molested or women with cheating husbands . There is a meet up group for everything.

Carrie, you are going to have to give us some more information about this relationship if you want us to help you.

Altenweg, have you accepted what happened, and been able to move on with a healthy life?

Thanks justcurious! Please bare with my format for this site. I am generally not a computer savvy person. I will def keep posting, it helps me just to talk.

I have accepted it, and I have moved on. I'm a married mother of two wonderful kids, and a wonderful husband. Of course I told him early on what had happened to me, and he's been very supportive, which makes it a lot easier.

I am on anti-depressants, which has also helped. The meds aren't only for the abuse, but also because I lost both my parents within 6 1/2 months of each other in 2001. It was a tough thing to deal with. I'm an only child. Also, no, my parents never knew what had happened to me. I never told. My molester was more teenage cousin. I was 5 when it started. It lasted a few years. She (yes, she) was my babysitter.

There is hope. Counseling helped me a great deal. So did my family. I found the will to go on and leave the past behind me, not allow it to have any more power over me. It doesn't deserve that power. It's my life, and I refuse to let one incident, one blemish on my childhood, be the thing that rules my happiness and my future.

I learned to accept the child I was into my life today. For a long time I wouldn't accept it, her. I didn't want to allow that to be a part of me. Now that I have accepted it, her, I can move on, and I have.

There is hope, and I really do hope that you can find the happiness within, learn to accept what happened, but don't let your past experiences define who you are today. You deserve happiness. You deserve to put this behind you and move forward with your life, no longer dwelling on the past.

Carrie, I've merged your threads for you, since this is all wound together it needs to be in one place. Please don't use the Comments feature for follow-up, use the Answer options at the bottom of the thread.

The other girl

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My husband of almost 12 years is walking out the door. Some part of me says stop, the other part says go. I am really in a pickle.Our children are at friends house tonight thank god. I have no idea what to do?

Carrie - Do you have someone you can call to come spend time with you tonight? You could use some support and someone to talk to you in person.

Also Carrie don't let anyone control your emotions. My friend who had the twins that were molested, actually had triplets, but for some reason the triplet was taken by the grandmother at birth,because it was too many children in the house at once. When she killed her husband she only served a short time because it was temporary insanity. He was in her room in the middle of the night in her two year olds bed, penetrating her. She has a son too, that is five and she found out he had also molested the boy. He deserved what he got. The five year old called 911 because he was afraid of the gunshot sound, and the police found him dead on top of the two year old mumbling the words dirty bastard dirty bastard over and over. I was 25 at the time. She was 20. She had her children really young.They are adults now' but the twins seem okay, but the boy has issues. I am just telling you this to tell you that the way you are feeling is normal, trauma is a bad thing to have, when I lived in wheaton , this docter really helped me with the hypnosis thing. It really works. You should try it. It is amazing how many people that I have run across that have seen this doctor, and have used the same technique. I am in Connecticut now. Married 30 years have one child, who is downs syndrome.ADHD and autistic all at once. I didn't have anymore children. Got my tubes tied, but didn't take into consideration that my husband wanted more children, I was afraid I would have another special needs child and disappoint him. His family is is mad at me because they wanted an heir. The Hindu are really really strong on that. Anyway I hope my conversations help you. I have so many people that I know that have molestation stories and it is just terrible. The co-workers daughter was six when hers started but she told her mom at twelve. That fool went to prison and I think someone killed him in prison.

I meant 30 years married. It will be 31 years come jan. 13th. If I could hold on this long, you should just hold on a little longer, but start to livefor yourself.The friend I mentioned that is married that I talk to, we dated in 9th grade, and broke upin 10th, but back then dating was considered carrying someone's books and walking them to class. To this day we have always kept in touch, and still talk. He likes to flirt a lot. We are both 55 and 54 years old now. So its all in fun. Hold on hold on hold on things will get better. Youhave children, just make sure they are not in the middle of this mess. You two will get it together. But you need to find a friend to talk to too. What's good for the goose is good for the gander is an old saying my tiny Italian mother use to say. She cheated on my dad, after he cheated on her. He left us and she raised us as a single mom. My brother is my half brother.. he is irish/italian with red hair. My family is all screwed up My husband is Hindu Indian, so our child is Italian and hindu, and I always say chinese because he has Asian eyes from his downs syndrome . But we only joke about that.

I know people have asked if suicide is worth it, but is it really. The more I want to do it, the more I am stopped and plagued with the question,will my children every forgive me. Maybe I'm being dillusional from sleep deprevation.God love their souls they have no idea what hornets nest is being stirred up at home. I am sitting here in my bedroom with the door locked not knowing what to do. It is just eating at me knowing that my husband is sitting 30 feet away from me, chatting it up with his online girlfriend. I have no one close to talk too. I'm sorry guys but please just put up with me tonight! I really have to get this off my chest and this website seems to be the only way to do it.

I did send her a email which I heard my husband just blow up too. I'm sorry but I had to tell her like I told my husband how it was. I think I have it bad I guess. I just found out that she is in a serious relationship and has 2 daughters. I doubt her boyfriend has any idea. It's a lose lose situation.

Feel free to keep posting here.
And no, suicide is not worth it. Even if it doesn't seem like it now, things will get better. You have the desire to be happier, and seem willing to take steps to get there. And that really is the most important part of changing- wanting it. And your kids need you too.

I don't even know what to say about your husband. I don't care what issues you two are having, there is no excuse for him to be going on with this other woman. Anyway, we're here for you to talk to.

Oh my God ti sis so weird. I have been reading the responses to your questions Carrie, and the information is so close to people I know in my life that it is scary. First of all I understand why you would be upset if your husband is discussing his marital situation with another female. Second of all agree with the post Delicious V posted Start living. Some of the things she talk about is so similar to some advice I would give. I talk to a friend of mind that is married too, but just for advice, but like most men they like to flirt. I put him in his place. Anyway it is terrible to hear the stories about child molestation. I can't even relate, but I too have friends who have had similar experience.I just happened on this site tonight looking for answers for a depressed friend of mind. I feel so bad for her.Like you Carrie she is having difficulties at home. I posted a question on how to help a depressed friend when you have run out of answers.I wish I can give you sound answers. DeliciousV seems to be on the right track. I too have been through therapy for self hypnosis with a doctro that make you create all these people in your head to help you get better. And I have been on lexapro, it just made me tired, but it helped. No to get off the subject, but I would like to ask DeliciousV where she is from, because she describes some things that are similar in my life. I too have a friend whose twin niece was molested, and the father met with a fatal end by he hands of the mother except the twin was not a triplet. I also have a friend that was attacked under a bridge at a young age, by a brother's friend and has a brother who went to jail for 10 years too for killing him. Wonder if we know the same people. You also describe the technique used by my doctor that I use today. I see your profiles says you are from Wheaton Illinois originally. That is where my doctor is located. Carrie you have to hold on, like Delicious V says. Everything will work out. I have been married 20 years been through stuff but is still holding on. If he loves you he ain't going no where, but if that female is getting to close I don't know, you may have to send her an e-mail and tell her she is interrupting your household. Will your husband get mad if you do that. And that comment about not being attracted to you.. he should love you regardless. He should really keep those comments to himself. Though. I really hope you can find some happiness and peace, I am seeking answers for my friend too. She was just at her doctor and the doctor made some rude comments to her. She has such a beautiful and giving heart to be treated like that, but these things just makes us stronger. You are much older Delicious V maybe you can give me some advice to give to my friend that may help her out too.

I am so numb right now. I can't even describe it. I really need a let out, which is this website. My husband told me today that he is no longer in love with me. He is so madly in love with this woman that he meet 2 months ago. I don't understand. I have tried and tried again for the past 12 years. I feel like a lost little puppy. Please bare with me, as I have been drinking tonight. I hate being drunk, but I feel no pain. Divorce preceedings to follow. God help me. Is tomorrow ever going to come. I really need to talk somebody.

Carrie, you need to stop drinking. I know you feel like your life is falling apart, but you have three very good reasons to keep looking for the positives. I take that back. You have four reasons. Three children and yourself.

You said that you have a job that you love. Do you want to talk about it or other things you enjoy doing like hobbies?

He is a fool. All I can tell you is let the loser go and move on. But drinking will just make you sick.

Carrie, I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. Remember though, everything you go through will only make you stronger.

No, suicide is not the answer. No, your kids will never forgive you if you go that route. I know that from having dealt with my cousins. Their father committed suicide when they were teens. To this day (some 30 years later) they still haven't forgiven him. They hate him for what he did.

We're here, and we're listening. Put the alcohol down, and use this site. Vent if you need to. Scream if you need to. Cry if you need to. We're all here to lend a shoulder, to lend an ear.

You will get through this. How do I know? You were strong enough to come here looking for answers. You came back. You continue to come back. You're not ready to give up, and we won't let you give up. Find that strength we all know you have and continue to post. We'll help get you through tonight, but the main strength to get past this is in you. You've shown it to us. Use it!

I've been in a bad, bad place. Evil place. Ugly place. Darkest of the dark.

But most of that noise was me. Feeling as bad as I did, feeling as lost as I was, feeling hurt and deceived and rejected... well... honestly, I was in my own way.

Allow yourself to be mortal.

Hurt. Get angry. Cry. Don't fight it off. You need to go through this.

You need to feel this to move on to a better place. Fully feel it. Deal with it. Figure it out and find a way to take a step forward and then do it again. Again.

Sorry you are in this place.

I can tell you, there was a time when my marriage was ending, with her in love with another man... when I was facing leaving my home and losing time with my beloved son... that it just seemed like things would not get better.

But they did, despite me.

The day I signed the divorce papers... I fell apart. Completely. I knew I needed it. I knew it was best. It tore me up.

And then I mended. Again. And again. And again.

I'm sorry you are in this place... and I never guarantee anything... but I at least damn near guarantee that in time... the noise you are going through will become a part of what you needed to get into the right place.

You need to worry less about why he is doing what he is doing and how he thinks about you. *poof* done. Right? No? Crappola.

It isn't that easy, but it does require you to keep at it. So he is clueless and an idiot. Fine. Its well established. You need to be OK with him being wrong for you. He is not right for you, not the other way around.

Since my life and marriage has started to fall apart, everything I see and hear, has to do with unhappy couples.I turn on the TV for divorce court to be on. I turn on the radio, there are songs about husbands cheating on wives. It's crazy!! I keep trying to tell myself that today is a new day. As hard as I try to tell myself that this will pass, It's so hard to see through the fog. I am a strong person. I have always been able to do whatever I put my mind to. Why am I having such a problem with this. Regarding my marriage. Thank you to all who have given me kind words. You guys will never know how much you guys have really helped me. It is so nice to be able to get this stuff off my chest, and not be judged by the content. I knew that my husband hasn't been super happy for a few months, but I had no idea that it was probably guilt. He had been unemployed for almost a year. I had got up and went to work everyday. For the past 6 months picking up a second job just to make ends meet. In turn he found love online. I know I sound like a broken record, I'm sorry, but that seems to be the ultimate betrayal. I have many hurdles still to jump over, but I am not looking forward to telling my children the truth. It scares me!! I don't want them to see the hate I have for there father right now. I would NEVER tell them that. But kids are smarter than we give them credit for. I guess overall I'm afraid they already know.

Carrie, always feel free to say what you want here. So many times writing out your thoughts can help you see a way through all the confusion. You do not sound like a broken record. You sound like someone who needs to talk and find her way back to some sort of normality. Broken records (and we see a lot of them) keep saying the same thing over and over again no matter what response they get. They aren't trying to feel their way through the fog. You very obviously are.

On the subject of your children, they may know more about what is going than you do. It may be a relief especially to the older ones to know that secrets are coming out. They don't need all the details, but answer their questions as truthfully as you can. Be there for them as much as you can. Let their school counselors and teacher know what is going on. Sometimes children start behaving differently when major events happen and the school may see it first. They may also have some materials and resources that can help you all through this.

As for your husband, is he contributing to the household? Has he gotten a job, yet? Is he looking? Is he looking for a place to live? I hope he finds the couch or floor very uncomfortable if you don't have a guest room.

I'll be honest that it sounds like he has lost or put aside the part of him that is tied to reality. The other woman is a fantasy of greener pastures and no expected responsibility. He seems to have done the emotional equivalent of running away from home. You could not have seen that coming. You could not have prevented it without him wanting to help. He wants to give up, wipe the slate clean and begin again. He is in for a very rude awakening. Be prepared for him to realize his mistake and try to make better at some point in the future. Don't accept it. You and your children deserve better than an adolescent in a man's body. He has shown who he really is when the pressure is on and you should not pick up the pieces. You have been doing enough of that already.

You have yourself and your well-being to be concerned about. First thing I am going to suggest while you look for professional help is to get all of the alcoholic beverages out of the house. If you don't have it available, it can't be a temptation. I applaud your trying not to show how angry and upset you are at their father to your children. However, do find a constructive way to let that anger out. Kneading bread, chopping wood, physical exercise, batting practice, etc. can be safe ways to let off steam.

Contact a lawyer and find out what your legal rights and responsibilities are. Be open and honest about everything. A lawyer can't give you accurate advice if you hold back information.

Everything may seem very dark right now. But there is light. Even inside yourself there is light. Give yourself permission to see it. When we are going though major events, sometimes we get into a mindset of everything is supposed to be dark and gloomy. For it to be otherwise is denying the reality of the situation. It doesn't have to be that way. Rant, vent, take it seriously, but give yourself permission to look for the light. It is in so many places like the faces of our children, stars in the sky, a candle on a table, diatoms on the ocean, even fish and bugs that make their own light. When you feel the darkness closing in, open your eyes.

Dear Carrie,

The very first thing I have to offer you is that your life has value and you deserve all the dignity that is yours to have.

In the issue of what appears to me to abandonment by your husband when you are in need, he's a dullard!

However, I must honestly admit that sometimes I do not understand some of the black holes that my Lady falls into from time to time.

The physical illness are easier to deal with. They are things I can see and feel. The emotional problems and feelings are always a mystery to me.

When Bonnie is caught up in that, I just do my level best to lighten the physical stuff (chores, running around, kids <we baby sit a lot>) Hot cups of tea to sit and share time with her, a simple back rub or sometimes just sitting with her and holding her. I can do these things with her. I just change my focus to her, end of story. I often times cannot provide solutions but I can give time and attention to her.

By no means is it a one way street, Bonnie returns the aid when I'm off the deep end. But her way of helping me seems to me to be a more thoughtful caring way. She just seems to be much better at those.

As to e-mails to other women, never on a consistent basis. I have chatted from time to time with some of the ladies here but that was and is the extent of it. Nor have any of the ladies wanted or asked for more.

His behavior is his responsibility, not yours.

Personally, if I want to do something or go somewhere and I'm not sure how my Lady would feel about that, I ask her. However, sometimes I just know that it is a waste of time to ask, because I already know the answer.

I believe it is my calling not to cause my wife hurt. She has never done or behaved in a way that could justify my being an a**.

Sorry for prattling on, but I get like that from time to time.

One last thought. Last year, my Granddaughter's cousin committed suicide. She was 24, and left behind two small girls. This was a complete devastation for the family.

Look at yourself, smile in a mirror or just wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug. There is much to value and love in your life.