I am 18 years old and I'm starting to have extreme problems with my mom's nosey-ness. When I go into the shower my mom sneaks into my room and cleans it finding everything new in my room (doesn't matter if I have Christmas presents in my room either as I have found out). Almost every day I will walk into my room with it reorganized and things missing from my room (things that my mom thinks are garbage or things that "don't belong in my room"). Now I should also mention my mom has OCD not like diagnosed or anything but she definitely has it. When ever she talks I actually can't think of a conversation where she wasn't nagging me, ridiculing me, or telling me to do something. She never actually talks to me, if she wants to talk to me she yells from a distance. I have tried pretending not to hear her but she just tells me later that she told me and is ignorant of what actually happened. I've never had any problem controlling my anger so I thought I would totally be able to make it to 19 and than move out, but I've been getting so angry lately when I walk into my room that I just curl up in a corner and try to deal with it, I've also started punching my walls and my mom is noticing dents and holes. Look I really am not an angry person I hate being angry, but I feel I'm coming to a breaking point here. Doesn't anyone have any suggestions?

I gotten angry at her for going in my room of course, I've tried nicely asking her, she always pulls out the "Its my house" crap. I feel everything I try to say to her changes nothing. I love my mom and I want her to realize that she is really hurting me in an effective way.

It's unfortunate that she doesn't see the need to allow you some privacy. Have you mentioned that outright... that you would like some privacy?

I would ask to have a talk with her, when things are calm, and discuss again how you feel. Be sure you say to her how you feel disrespected when she goes through your things, deciding what should be kept and what shouldn't. That you would also like her to stop yelling to you if she wants to talk to you. Instead of pretending you don't hear her, go in and ask her to please not yell to you, just come and get you if she needs to tell you something. You mentioned that you feel she only talks to you when she is nagging or wants something done. Do you start conversations with her sometimes? Do you ever do things together? Maybe ask her out to lunch or something, where the two of you can have a "normal" conversation. Are there things you are responsible for around the house that don't always get done until she has to tell you? Perhaps she too would like to be talking more with you and not at you. Another side to perhaps consider if it applies.

If she insists that she can continue what she has been doing because it is "her house", then you may have to lock things away, if you have a car... keep things in your trunk, and/or bide your time until you are able to move out.

If your mom does indeed have OCD she may simply be unable to tolerate knowing there is a mess anywhere within the house.

Do you, or can you, try and keep your room clean and tidy yourself so that she doesn't feel the need?

Is there anyone who can talk to your mom and persuade her to get some help with this?

I do keep it tidy, but my tidy is not her tidy. Just so you have an idea of what my tidy is, my tidy is all dirty clothes in the laundry, bed made, everything off the floor. I don't know anyone who can talk to her about this.

Comment : my tidy is not her tidy
Specifically, what is her tidy? List five things for, say, your bedroom.

Comment on DoulaLC's post

Yes I have told her I need privacy in both a calm conversation and in an angry conversation :(. Thank you, I must say I'm not the best at confrontation, I tend to get really nervous about peoples reactions and end up not saying a lot of stuff.

Thank you for your great insight. I have more to reply to you but I will have to get back to it.

I'm still thinking about this.

In the meantime I discovered there are 2 Facebook groups set up by people in a similar situation to you.

I compulsively tidy your house when you arn't looking/ are out | Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=130509806977876#!/group.php?gid=130509806977876&v=info)

Mum-Stop tidying my room. I CAN'T FIND THINGS NOW!!!!!!!! | Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=222839352619)

If you have Facebook you might want to look in. You might pick up a few tips and have somewhere to vent with likeminded folks.

Please keep looking in on here too. There will be people who haven't seen this thread yet and those of us who have might think of something else.

Are there other siblings in the house, and if so, is she the same toward them, as she is toward you?

It takes a very careful analysis to provide a medical diagnosis of OCD. It is a complicated diagnosis, that if she has, can only be diagnosed by a professional.

But, I get the invasion of privacy, the intrusion into your personal space, and feeling that that space is violated.

I doubt that you would race into her room, tidying and controlling her things, and deciding what she can keep or not keep.

I would find her behaviour very upsetting myself. Even six year olds have some say in their own bedrooms with their own stuff!

You have to get through to her somewhere that you are an adult, and you deserve your own space, without it being disrupted, cleaned, and put under a microscope.

Can you enlist the help of your father, or an aunt, family friend, or other trusted adult. Would she be willing to listen to your concerns if there was some sort of mediator there to help you get through to her. Prepare a list of expectations that you think she should agree to. Be prepared to compromise. Try to get a grip on why she is so bent on being in such control. If she goes nuts because you leave dishes in your room 'too long', then if you have a plate or glass in your room, when you take it out to the kitchen, make sure you tell her, "I've taken the dishes out of my room to the kitchen" sort of thing.

Try to see what her excuses are for entering your room, and then counter them. If you know that for instance laundry day is Monday afternoon, do your laundry Sunday night, and tell her that your laundry is done so she doesn't have to go looking to see if there is anything that needs washed. Keep doing what she goes in looking to do, and each time, let her know that you have already done it.

While it may seem tedious, it may help. If she can become aware that you have done the work she was going to do, she may back off.

But, if this is 'normal' behaviour for her, and nothing will stop her, then try to enlist the help of a third party to negotiate some boundaries. She should not have to cross the doorway to your room without permission, is the first one that would be on my list. Don't engage any further, if you are, in arguments, or shouting. Instead take control, and deal with your anger in creative, positive ways to get your point across.

We all have to have boundaries with those we live with, and at your age, my opinion is, you are entitled to your privacy.

Her tidy is every single loose item either away, in the garbage, or out of my room. For example I bring 2, 20 lbs weights up to my room and I put them under bed away from stubbing your toes, the next day I go to use them, they are gone. Put back.

How are these two posts connected?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/ive-accidentally-purposely-shut-out-father-can-you-help-535115.html

Comment on J_9's post

I'm trying to fix my family issues, and this site has help me with my mom. Maybe the people here can help me with myself, and my dad.

Why?

Comment on Jake2008's post

Since this has being going on since I was born,I always got angry when I walked into my room to see it... different,and I would question myself constantly if I should even BE angry.Thank you for your insight.Everyone who contributed haschanged my life

Thank you all so much, you have help not just me but my mom. I was able to get through to her partially. But I am well on my way to having my own room. To be honest I made this question right after I dented in my wall (not able to control some anger) and my mom noticed, when she asked why it was there I completely broke down, I started to cry and tried to tell her how I felt. I didn't say nearly enough to her though but she also cried and realized it meant this much to me. She bought me a sorry gift (a santa decoration) and told me she would give it a try.

Have you thought about this upcoming dinner and how you want things to go?

Thank you all so much, you have help not just me but my mom. I was able to get through to her partially. But I am well on my way to having my own room. To be honest I made this question right after I dented in my wall (not able to control some anger) and my mom noticed, when she asked why it was there I completely broke down, i started to cry and tried to tell her how I felt. I didn't say nearly enough to her tho but she also cried and realized it meant this much to me. She bought me a sorry gift (a santa decoration) and told me she would give it a try.

I'm glad you made some progress. Remember with long term problems you can get positive times and relapses sometimes but try not to let it get you down, just try and keep gently reminding your mum how important it is to you if she slips up. Maybe keeping the decoration in a prominent place in your room will help remind her why she bought you it. Try and remember to thank her when she does manage to respect your space.

If you feel angry do come on and have a good vent, it might save the rest of your walls lol, and there's plenty of good people here who will be happy to listen.

I think you are learning what we all know, as we get older it harder to raise parents properly. They have so many issues to deal with. But we love them, and put up with their ways, and just try not to get frustrated when they screw things up, yet again. But what can we expect? They are just parents, they really can't help themselves.