My daughter just turned 4 on Wednesday, her father and I have been separated for over 2 years. I have her 5 days a week and she goes with her dad 2 days-- he claims she is a perfect angel while there and he never has a problem with her. When she is home with me, she doesn't listen to any rules and talks back to me like she is in control, I am scared I have given her this power and now I don't know how to get it back. I feel regretful that it has gotten this way, but my guilt for not having her over weighs my disipline most days ( and to be honest, sometimes it's just easier to give her what she wants) Today was her birthday party and for the first time got to see her interact with her friends from school, SHE WAS SUCH A BULLY. I need ideas on how to get control back, with out making her feel like it's her fault. PLEASE HELP ASAP!

It is easy, you become a parent, say no, give her time outs, ground her from "things" and a swat on the rear now and then if needed.

What source of discipline do you use on her?

I have a two and a four year old. My four year old is as good as can be. However, my two year old Daughter is very temperamental from time to time.

I implement timeouts big time in my house hold. If I ask my Daughter to do something or not to do something, and if she doesn't listen, then I give her one warning with saying "ifyou do that one more time, you are going in timeout. If she does it again. I take her to time out and tell her why she is going into timeout, then set the timer for two minutes. If she screams, she screams. I don'tsay a word to her. If she gets out of timeout, then I put her right back in, setting timer over again. Sometimes I have to be very patient as her timeouts can last up to an hour because she moves from it. I make sure to follow through.

Then after she is finished, then I crouch down to eye level and ask her why I put her there in the first place. Then I hug her and she goes on about her business.

I know this sounds silly, but I have learned a lot of techniques from Joe from that show Super Nanny.

You can Google that.

I don't hit my children. I do speak to them like adults and FOLLOW THROUGH with what I say. I don't bribe them with things. I don't fear them.

I understand that you have guilt because of your failed marriage, but don't let your Daughter become a product of circumstance.

I too am a single Mother, but I kow that they need structure and discipline.

Stop it now while she is 4, because you don't want to deal with this when she is 9.

Good Luck. I hope I helped a little.

Hang in there. Your heart is in the right place, and I can see you care, or else you wouldn't ask.

Thank You! You I hope helped a lot. I need to be firm, to show her I am in charge, but she knows all too well how to pull at my heart strings! Tomorrow is a new day, and hopefully a better one.

Get clear in your own mind what behaviour you want.

Once you have told her how to behave stick to it. When you say no mean it no matter how much she whines, wheedles or whatever. Yes you can end up with what feels like a never-ennding battle over some issues but the more work you put in now and the more you stick to your guns the easier it will get. Kids are like bloodhounds when it comes to sniffing out our weak-points, if she thinks she has the slightest hope of getting her own way she will do everything in her power to make that happen. If she senses she is wasting her time she will give it up in time and will learn that mummy means no when she says it. This isn't mean it's actually very reassuring to a child to know that mum is in charge and sets boundaries.

Praise, praise, praise when she gets it right.

Distraction. A happily occupied child makes far less trouble than a bored one. Spend time with her. It doesn't all have to be fun. Little ones can wave a duster around in a fashion, help wash vegetables, help load the washing machine. Little jobs helping you when you are busy not only keep her occupied but give you lots of opportunities to tell her what a good job she is doing. Give her opportunities to tell and show you what is important to her. Spending a little time sitting at the table drawing with kids for example gives them a sense of shared time and allows them to open up about their world when we ask about their pictures and let them talk to us.

If she has started bullying you need to work on that. You can use simple explanations like, 'when you do that it makes (the other child) sad' and show her how to share and be kinder and praise her when she plays nicely.

Don't keep beating yourself up. You have realised something needs to change and that's the first step. Remember, teaching your daughter how to become a great person is a much bigger way of showing love than letting her feel she can always have what she wants from you.

I had to spread the rep QLP.

Kellin, just remember that your Daughter is 4 now, and she has grown very acclimated with how things are now and how they have been going. In her mind she rules the roost.

So keep in mind that this is something that will not happen over night. So don't get discouraged. Keep going. Be very patiet. This will take some time.

Also, keep her busy with fun activities around the house.

What I have done in my house hold that seems to work, is I bought a dry/erase board and made a schedule for them. Now my 4 year old is in full time preschool, so this is more for my other child during the day.

I also ake her every where. To the stores, to the park, to Mcy D's play area, to the mall... so on and so forth. That way she is having a productive day.

Also, when she does do something good, be sure to praise her. Make a big deal out of it. She needs to feel special and learn that being good has its benefits.

If you see her hurt another child, then walk her over to te child and make her apologize. Then explain that hitting is NOT nice.

Something that I do for my children, is at the end of the night, after they have eaten, taken their baths, brushed teeth, and pjs on, I put on one tattoo per child. He haslittle spider man ones and she has Dora the explora. I make them count to 30 while I hold it on there. That way, they know they get something good at the end of the night, also it helps them learn to count to higher numbers. Then they pick out a book and I read it to them. Then it's bedtime at 8:00.

These are things that may work for you.

Right now I think your Daughter is craving attention from the divorce. Negative is better then none at all. So turn the tables and make cleaning into a game. Have her help you cook. Make her feel special as if she can contribute.

Like you, I am a still new to all of this. Babies are not cars. They didn't come with a manual. We all as parents had to learn this. However, if there is a way we can all learn from each other, then perhaps this will make us ALL better parents.

Hang in there.

Thank you for taking the time to help me out! I will definitely use some of your advice :)

Thanks! I agree, it's gone on too long to the point of she knows no different-- praising is a wonderful idea, I've always tried my hardest to praise her for good behavior. She and I talked today about things changing, she seemed to understand.

I told her in order for us to both be happy we needed to learn to listen and take turns. Letting her have some control is important to me, so I've decided on letting her make her own rules every Friday night, while the other nights I make the rules

I am hoping giving her freedom to chose what she wants for dinner, bed time and things like that one day a week will help her feel some what in control. I need to stick to my guns the other days and let her know I am in charge. I just hate it when

She says she is not happy. I feel like I either let her get her way, or I yell at her. I need to learn an between way of raising her. Thanks so much for the advice enigma, much appreciated!

Yelling never solves anything, so nix that right away. Unless of course it's yelling in the bathroom with the water running just so that you can get it out of your system. ;)

I have two kids, a 12 year old boy, and an 8 year old daughter. The hardest job in the world is being a parent.

Often times it's easier to just give in, but it teaches them nothing, and the more you do it, the worse they get.

One of my favorite forms of discipline I learned from Super nanny. I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but you, it worked.

When my daughter was 3 she became a bit trying. We got two jars, put their names on each jar, and then got marbles. Every time they listened, or did what they were told, or did something they are supposed to do without being told, they got a marble. Whenever they disobeyed, a marble was taken away.

Once you got 30 marbles (it's not as easy as you think) you can trade it in for a toy (I got dollar store toys, kept them in my closet). Boy did they jump to the task.

Time outs work, but only if you remain calm, and follow the steps. First a warning. Let her know that if she disobeys after the warning, it's time out. One minute for each year of her age, so for her, 4 minutes. The time starts when she's actually sitting in time out. If she gets up, time starts back at zero. After the time out get to her level, eye to eye, tell her why she was placed in time out, and ask for an apology. Then it's a hug and back to what you were doing before.

Let her help around the house. At 4 she can do basic things, like clean up after herself, help dry dishes, dust, fold laundry. Make it fun, and lots of praise, lots of "great job" and "I'm so proud of you".

I also implemented a special day out if we had a good week. They got to pick something they wanted to do with just me or daddy, and if they had a good week, no marbles removed, no time outs, we did whatever they had chosen. Nothing too elaborate, but something fun, like a movie, or swimming.

It's not too late to get her on the right track and start teaching her how you want her to act.

You made the first big step. You asked for advice. :)

Just wanted to add to the already great advice you have been given.

The first is, are you and your ex husband on speaking terms? You may wish to have a talk with him if you are, and let him know the problems you have been having with your daughter. You may be surprised to learn that he has the same problems, he has just found ways to correct them in his own home.

Also a good idea when you are putting a new plan of discipline in place with your daughter, to let him also know that. Your child will no doubt tell daddy that mommy is mean, and this could lead to some convoluted stories that he may start to question or worry about.

You noticed bullying behaviour toward the kids at her birthday party. It could have been the excitement of the day, or, it could be behaviour that is also seen in the school setting as well, or playschool. If she is in such classes, why not run it by the teacher.

If she isn't in any social situations with other children, you might want to consider joining her up for playschool, or swimming lessons where there are other adults who are in charge. It is a good idea for children to learn to listen to other adults, which in turn teaches them to listen to you as well, and vise versa.

What you are essentially trying to do, is instill basic discipline, which is age appropriate for a 4 year old, and it is no easy task, especially starting when the bad behaviour is front and centre. Just remember that as hard as it is going to be, the rewards will far outweigh the effort, when you turn her around.

I'm also a big fan of Nanny 911. When they start the episode, and show the behaviour of the children, I almost always think, how is she ever going to turn this around. And if you watch carefully, she has the same expectations of every child, in every home, in every situation. She also has equal and greater a lot of times, for the parents, who have to sometimes learn what doesn't come naturally. Not all of us are born with magic perfect mommy genes, and thus have to learn what we need to know to raise healthy children.

All the best of luck to you.

Kellin,

I just came across this post because I have been feeling very discouraged about my own son who is 4.. his father and I separated about a year and a half ago.. he also says he is an angel when he is with him for the weekend.. he turns into a devil with me and sometimes says I love Daddy more than I love you Mommy.. it is so hurtful.. I try not to take it personal and realize maybe it is due to spending far less time with Daddy.. I have recently noticed him acting up more and even crying pushing me away from him telling me to get away.. it makes me very sad and I just end up walking away.. I don't know what else to do.. I hope this is just a phase he is going through.. it makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one out there with a bratty child.. well not bratty all the time.. sometimes I feel like he acts bipolar.. I will try to talk to him and spend more time doing activities with him as your replies suggested.. good luck with your little one.. wish me luck

Lisa