I've been married nearly two years. 1.5 years ago, we moved to his home from mine, due to financial troubles. We are now within 1/4 mile of his mom, dad, and sister; then a friend is directly across the street. He spends very little time with his family, including me, but goes over to his friends houses (including another 2 friends <father, son> who are about 3 miles away) sometimes several times a day. He is, at this very moment, at the friends house across the street. This is the fourth time they've got together today. I feed him while he's watching T.V. then he leaves. This has been going on for over a year, at least 6 days a week. Hours and hours of time he'd rather be with his friends than his new wife. I am not a nag, etc. to chase him away. What am I to think? I never knew marriage could be this lonely. I've even been so thown by this I've asked if he's cheating on me. It would make sense. But, I do NOT believe this is the case. I think he just doesn't enjoy my company as much as his single, jailbird, swearing, and in a couple ways, druggie - friends (I HAVE NEVER DESCRIBED HIS FRIENDS THIS WAY TO HIM). What can I do at this point? He knows it bothers me, I even had an anxiety attack about it several months ago. He felt awful, said he was sooo sorry and knew he was hurting me, then the next day, back spending hours on end with his friends. I do not believe divorce should be done unless your spouse is unfaithful. So I am only really looking for a way to "cope" or deal with my misery, or the right thing to say to him. I'm not saying in all other ways he's not a great husband, he's a good guy, (30yrs), he just seems to be selfish in this particular way. Thank you for your input!

Sounds like he is enjoying being single, with all the benefits of being married too.

So you were married only about six months until you both moved, and that was when his frequent absences started, and continue to this day. When you say, " in a couple ways, druggie - friends " what do you mean; weed, heroin, cigarettes? Are you also saying that his friends are active drug users into criminal behaviour? Has your husband a history of drug or substance abuse prior to marriage? Do you suspect that he too, is using?

Why do you think he so frequently visits with his friends. What does he say they do, what activities are they up to- football, fixing cars? Does he too frequently visit with his family as well? Do any of these people come to your home, and how do you get along with everybody.

What is your husband like, otherwise. Is he a hard worker, takes care of home, pays bills on time, treats you well (when he is home)? Is he thoughtful and remember your birthday and do the two of you, when you do spend time together, enjoy eachother's company?

If him being away from home so often is the only real issue you have going on, what have you done to communicate that you are unhappy about it. Do the two of you argue? Have you tried to reach a compromise? Does he listen to your concerns, and how does he respond. Why do you think that he has not followed through with his decision to spend more time with you as you said. Do the two of you ever go out? Share any activities together like biking, working out, walks, shopping, coffee shop dates?

It would be helpful to have a better rounded understanding of your relationship.

Drug use of the one (possibly two friends): whatever his other friends can get ahold of is what he'll do. Same confirmed druggie friend has been in and out of jail + prison many times(yet he's always been a nice/likeable person in my presence in his defense). My husband used to smoke, and has tried a couple things (shrooms, pot) but that's it to my knowledge - and doesn't use them now. He doesn't drink too terrible much either. He says they just talk. That's it. My husband is a talker. A couple friends really don't have jobs, they from the sound of it just sit around all day drinking and socializing with the people who stop by (they can't drive, licenses revoked.)Don't know where they get the money from to live this way.
I only said lowlife because that's what society would call 2 of them. I've met them, they seem likeable. So lowlife isn't how I PERSONALLY feel about them. And my husband takes them places when they need rides. (My husband really is a giving nice guy.)
He stops by to see his mom maybe 5 minutes every other day to check on her and make sure she's OK. The rest of the family he sees when they need help with something - not a very social family. His mom, sister, and father live in three different houses as neighbors.
The friends don't come to our home. I believe that's my fault - I would be more of a "goodie goodie" in comparison. Don't do drugs, don't swear, go to church and try to behave myself, etc. From the sound of it, they don't feel comfortable around me. I've never said anything to them or about them to my husband though.
Husband doesn't pay bills on time usually, but he's just forgetful and sometimes we are short on $$. He is hard worker, takes care of the outside of the home.
He'll be out with his friends all day, then the next day get up and say "I'm going to ___'s house". Can't help but get tears in my eyes. I say "have fun" but he know's how much it bothers me, he has admitted he is out way too much and he needs to be gone much less, but nothing changes. We don't argue too much. We put up with eachother's quirks. I think why he hasn't changed his habits is he doesn't know how. His friends are his fun, and that's about it for him. He doesn't enjoy many things. When he has made an effort to stay home, he just looks around, so bored out of his mind. He watches a little t.v. but that gets old fast, and isn't what I'd call quality time as a couple, you know? So after several hours of being bored and trying to force himself to stay home, it's guaranteed at least one of his friends will call up and want him to come over, and that temptation at that point is too much to take.
No, we never go out together. It's again, not something he enjoys anyway. If my family were to call up and say "we're going to the city, want to come?" there's a 90% he'd go, he has my family to talk to then. Most things cost money to do though, so that's why we don't go do things together according to him. We do have debt to pay off though, and have very little to budget. AND we want to start having kids in the next couple years, so I do understand. But heck, if he's not home now - what if he's not when we have kids? NOT GOOD. I mentioned this to him also, and he says he would absolutely stay around then. Not only does that make me feel not good enough to stay around for - but the kids would be, but how could I really believe that?
Anyway as I said I love him dearly and this is our only REAL issue so any extra insight would be great, thanks for your reply(s) :)

He sounds very immature to me. If he were 10 years old, I'm sure he'd rather sneak out of the house and hang out with his friends, rather than stay home, do chores, and homework. His priorities seem the same to me, from what you have said.

And, I think it is dangerous to think that if he can't manage quality time with you as his #1 priority, he would most likely be out of the house even more when the added reponsibility of a baby, and all the work that entails comes along. He has not changed and made an effort with you, what make you think he'd be a different person when a baby comes along. If you are lonely now, you will be that much more lonely being on your own coping with a newborn, while he contiues to do his thing, that clearly, he will not give up.

Maybe it is time to put the cards on the table, and take a good honest look at where your relationship is, and where it is heading. Figure out where compromise can take place, and how to have each of your needs met. What are the marriage priorities, and who is willing to work hard to make it work for the benefit of both parties. The pendulum has to start balancing itself, and he needs to see that he is not pulling his weight, and be willing to put you first, while making consideration and change to himself. Counselling would really help in this regard. You may find that in counselling he could learn enough about himself to understand how what he does negatively affects his marriage. And you will have a far better idea if he is capable of changing, or even if he wants to change.

You would at least learn enough about each other, to know whether this is the way its going to be for the next 25 years, or that he actually does care to invest enough time and effort in making the marriage work. Both of you will learn how to compromise, set priorities, and put each other at least on the same page, with common goals to work toward.

I don't see how some sort of professional guidance can be avoided at this point. Maybe your pastor or minister can help you as well. One thing is for sure, it seems to me that you are both stuck in a rut, and stuck in negtive behaviour patterns that keep producing the same result.

How does he have so much time to spend with his friends if he is working?

To be honest, it sounds like he is running away from home, you and himself. I don't know what happened to cause the move, but it sounds like he isn't dealing with reality as much as he is attempting to go back in time before he had a partner to work with instead of a mother to handle things for him.

Does he have any interests that he could become involved with at home? Things like woodworking can become extra income as well as projects you could do together.

What type of relationship do his parents have? Often, without realizing it, we mimic what we see growing up or we go to the other extreme (a child who sees his parents fighting all the time might close down instead of communicating).

Do you get out of the house whether for work or to see friends?

What was life like for the time before you moved? Is there anything from that time that you might be able to start up again that might help?

There a lot of things you can do together that don't cost much if any money. Playing games like cards or board games can be fun and entertaining. Parks can be great places to have fun playing frisbee or just watching the clouds. Sharing outlandish dreams that you both know you would never want to come true (Plan out your fantasy house on Jupiter). Listening to music. Taking turns picking out the next song (My husband and I play dueling YouTube videos). Invite friends over. Just enjoy being together for five minutes with no interuptions.

Cat1864:(and others)
He is on unemployment, but works "on call". Example though: last night his friend didn't get home until 9:30, so my husband went over there from 9:30 to 10:30, and got up for work today at 7:00. When he has off, he'll often leave around 10a.m. stop home for an hour or so at 2:00, then back at maybe 6:00. One day he actually went and visited the same friend 3 times, and 3 other friends at different locations once each. I don't even understand how a person can enjoy that much socializing! I enjoy people and friends, but not THAT MUCH.
He used to go play softball after work for maybe 6 months with his friends when we first moved here. He'd come home, throw some food down(if he even had time to stop after work) and off he went until 9 or 10 at night. 3 days a week, sometimes more with "softball practice." Thank goodness that's over AT LEAST.
He doesn't seem to have any real interests. Except building fires and talking to people - hanging out with friends. That's pretty much it.
I've tried to get him to take me fishing with him (we have a boat - etc.) but excuses, excuses. His friends invite him to go and he goes every time. They probably don't ask him to bait their hooks for them because its "icky" though, in all fairness. :p
His parents had him in their mid 40's, he is the youngest child (so am I). The parents really only stayed in the same house because of the kids to keep the family as functional as possible. They now live across the street from each other, and even when they did live together they didn't really spend time together. They are both as sweet as can be though :) too bad they couldn't work out their issues.
I probably see my friends maybe 4 hours a week, and my family once a month with my husband for maybe 6 hours. That's pretty much my social life.
Life wasn't so great before we moved. I was working full time, my husband was unemployed. He moved in with me, and for maybe a week was very helpful, cooked a little, cleaned/organized. I praised him up and down, but then his sister said he needed to be careful, because I would start thinking those things were HIS job, so he barely lifted a finger after that. Got to love in-laws sticking their noses in your marriage. Yep, lots of tension on my end, I didn't say anything (too shocked - speechless) so he may not have noticed that I was upset about this. He is VERY influenced by his family (and friends). If they say something and I have a different opinion, I'm automatically wrong (90% of the time). He should really be a lawyer. He argues their points and his and loves every minute of it. Don't mistake this for fighting, we don't do too much of that, it's really just differences of opinion over silly things, like whether a canning jar's screw band should be removed after canning. Silly is right. Mommy doesn't - I do. So mommy must be right.
I agree - there are a lot of things that don't cost much money. He is more outdoorsy, I am the opposite. We try to compromise, but it usually doesn't last long. We really just need to try harder and make it work though. We used to go for walks and I LOVED it. Exercise, companionship, talking. Unfortunately we have to walk right past his friends house. So after a short 15 min. walk he'd typically wind up at the friends house for a few hours. Ugh. I wish that guy would move out of his mom's house (25yr old) and get his own place far far away! :) It kind of makes it hard to do anything outside because he sees us and invites my husband to go over to his house. And nothing really interests my husband inside so there you go. I need some creative alternatives people. We are in the middle of nowhere and to go to the city is high on gas money.

Do these chums of his, have girlfriends or wives? Just thinking if they are getting tired of your husband monopolizing all of what should be some of her time, too. Maybe everybody is just being too darn polite.

I can think of some things you could try.

1. Write a list of suggested activities you can do together. Walks, bike riding, fishing, line dancing, coffee shop dates, a movie, etc. Things that you have likely done together in the past, but haven't lately.

2. Limit, or negotiate the time he is not working, to be with his friends less, and you more. If you have a list going on small things that need repaired, get it out. Slot the work into days on the calendar when he knows he's going to be off work. On those days when he's working in the home, agree to have lunch AND dinner together, and watch a movie or TV show together when the day is done.

3. He needs to negotiate with you, his time priorities, with his friends. If he's seeing them an average of 25 hours a week, see if he'll agree to 12 hours, which is plenty really. If it has to be baseball season, allow for 'team' time. BUT, go with him. I never missed a hockey game, or practise of my husband's- ever. I made some very good friends in doing so- the wives were awesome.

4. Find out if the friends have wives and/or girlfriends, and see if you can't go with him to visit with the female partner, even for an hour. Agree ahead of time that no visit can last more than 2 hours. Unless he's repairing a motor; all within reason.

5. Enlist the family, socially. Ask his mother over for a nice dinner and visit. Do likewise with his father. Both together would be nice too. Make it a regular event, and include your husband in the planning. Incorporate birthdays and special events. Have Christmas dinner at your house

6. Give him as many options to do things together as you can think of. Establish the times through negotiation, and re-kindle that spark that used to be spontaneous and fun. If you engage him enough, he may just surprise you with preferring your company, over his friends' company.

7. Don't forget the bedroom. And I'm not talking about drapes here.

Yeah, 1 has a girlfriend. He is gone a lot with her in the past few weeks. Makes my husband mad. He says she's all wrong for him. Maybe, or maybe he's jealous:) The other guy's ex-girlfriend left him & told him he was always gone at friends. Yep...