I don't trust my boyfriend because I caught him lying. I know everyone makes mistakes, but what's difference the between him making a mistake and these lies being proof of his true character? I feel that I'm too invested in the situation and would like some feedback. People are always saying how hard women are on men. I want some outside eyes to confirm my first thought which is to leave... even thought it hurts like hell.

Background
My boyfriend and I have a good relationship. He supports me and we talk about everything (so I thought). My boyfriend and I spend a lot of time together and he is affectionate and attentive. We love each other and have fun together. We both entered into the relationship without friends of the opposite sex. When we first got together I asked him, “Do you communicate with any women or have any female friends?” He said, “No I don't have any female friends.” So we agreed that we would inform each other if we had to spend time with someone of the opposite sex. We both agreed that if we have a friend that is a hidden friend then that is cheating. When we started this relationship we decided on the “rules.” We both ask questions—kind of like relationship maintenance. So one morning I asked him, “Babe, do you have any female friends? Any women that you want or need to communicate with that I should know about?” He kept saying no. He always says no. He said, “I talk to my sister, my boss, and my mother. No babe I'm not friends or talking to anyone.” Ok, I was satisfied because I trust what comes out of his mouth. Then later that day…

I was having a casual conversation with my bf's mother. I don't know how it came out but she told me, “Yeah, some girl was coming to his window with a flash light and basically stalking him and he had to threaten her with calling the police.” So naturally I asked her did this happen while we were together? And she naturally said, “No, this was a while ago.” And I sensed that she was lying because she stuttered. At first I believed her because I was naïve to think he would have told me that.

The Proof
This info made me curious so I looked through his phone. I was shocked! There were messages from a girl stating, “Don't tell me you are thinking about marrying her?” This number was not programmed in his phone. There was a message to a girl saying, “This is BJ the guy in the green car (which is my car) seeing you made my day.” Then this same girl sent him a couple of pictures. He also talked to this girl at like 3 in the morning. I called this girl and asked her and she said, “he's not trying to talk to me like that.” But looking at the date all these messages were within two weeks. He got caught before anything happened. I saw other texts to girls and it made me mad because we are planning to go into business together but he is talking about our plans and making plans with other women. If we are business partners why would you try to do these things behind my back? I felt like if you came across a good opportunity that a new female can provide then tell me but to keep it a secret makes me feel as though you had negative motives. So I feel betrayed as his girlfriend and as his future business partner and as his friend because he lied and withheld information.

The Confrontation:
He said that he was sorry and that he was acting outside of his normal character. He didn't mean anything he said to the girls. He was only saying stuff to get whatever opportunity he felt might be available (his reason worries me). If it is strictly business then why would a girl send him pictures? I asked him about the number that wasn't programmed into his phone and he said it was a friend named Tiffany he texted her to buy pot from her sister. And that he had never slept with her.

Shocker!
We rented a bunch of movies to watch for the holiday. It's like 5 or 6 in the morning and we here a knock on the window. So he grabs a bat and goes out back to check it out. I was kind of freaked out because the window is open so if it is a crazy person they could get in easily if they wanted. He doesn't come right back so I yell, “Bj what is it?” I hear a female voice say, “The other girl he is f******.” I go outside and he is yelling at her to leave. He calls the police. But I want to hear what she has to say and he goes, “You can talk to this crazy girl if you want to.” She leaves before the police arrives. I'm angry and go to my car and she left a note stating, “Bj and I have been sleeping together since before you two hooked up and off and on since. I've showed up twice at the house while you were there. He told me he would keep calling me even if I refused his. Call if you have anymore questions.” I go back into the house and look at his phone and she is the unprogrammed number. I confront him for the second time in 24 hours. He confesses to having a sexual relationship with her before him and I hooked up. He also lied about her name. He claims that she is crazy and he doesn't know why she came to his house. I asked him did she come before. He said yes she did this before 7 months ago. So this did not add up to me you mean to tell me that you contacted a “stalker” to get pot and risked setting her off again. If she did this 7 months ago for no reason at all why would you contact her now for pot? He said she is crazy I don't know why she did this. It didn't make since to me that a woman would stalk a man if she had not been with him in 1 year and 8 months.

Help!
I don't let people mistreat me. And I thought I had a good relationship. We were in a serious committed relationship. It hurts to find out that you don't have the relationship that you thought you had. This happened two weeks ago. He has been saying that he is sorry for lying but he didn't cheat and hasn't cheated. He is saying that he still wants the life we have planned—marriage and going into business together. You know all the things people say when they mess up and want a second chance. I chose not to call the girl because what more do I need to hear? This is my first adult committed relationship. So I don't want to just leave this relationship if it's a mistake that can be fixed. In my past I usually cut people from my life that do my wrong. I'm good at dating but now this is a lot harder now that I have made an emotional investment. I need advice so I can eradicate him from my life before the new year.

If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you only one question, can you name any human being that has never lied in his life? I think not, because even the most saintly person lied at least once in his/her life.
Just so you know, I've read your case several times before answering this so I'm not just jumping into conclusion. And I'm writing this based on my experiences and also my observation of other people.

First, about him lying about not having any female friends.
I find it incredibly... weird, especially for a man, not to have communicated with any other female in his life before he met you (except for his family members), and the whole, having a hidden friend is cheating, frankly speaking, no hard feeling okay? ridiculous. He agreed with it for your sake, because you seem like the type that can be a lit~tle bit controlling and susceptive. If my boyfriend ever asks me "Babe, do you have any male friends? Any men that you want or need to communicate with that I should know about?", my answer, too, would be no. But in thought, This would be my answer "Well duh of course I have lots of male friends, and I need to communicate with them, either for the fun of doing it or for my own benefits. But You are the one that I love. And I don't want you to feel that You're not the only man in my life so it's best to just say, No I don't have any".
Also, there are quite a lot of stuffs couple can't just talk about together (as you said you and him talked about everything). I, too, would want to share everything with my boyfriend, but sometimes the topics I want to talk about aren't suitable to boys, that's why I have a best girl friend. Especially in business, there maybe some plans that he has in thoughts but isn't quite sure, so he needs to ask advices from other people. Just because you're the main business partner doesn't mean he has to tell you every single plan of his. No company, regardless how big and successful, does so to its trusted partner. He might be afraid that you won't agree with his plan do he has to prepare it carefully before telling you about it. You should be open-minded about this matter, don't go berserk over such things. Unless he plans to steal Your business idea.
One more thing, trust me on this, No guy in the planet would tell their girlfriend that another girl is stalking them. He just wants you to feel safe, about both him and the relationship. I, too wouldn't do such thing. Unless things get out of hand, or I feel really threatened by this stalker. But most of the time, men are very confident about their ability of solving things, that's why they rarely whine about their problems.

Second, about the girl.
If you're brave enough, call her, and hear both sides of the story. But before you do that, you may consider the possibility that everything you don't want to hear shall be heard, either that she makes it up (chances are high!), or just simply tells the truth. Though according to what you've described about her, she has a lot of symptoms of a Borderline Personality, which is one of the personality disorders. You can find out more information about this at http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/
To make it short, she's the type of girl that has very unstable emotion and would never let go. Your boyfriend was once hers. And even though they broke up, the thoughts never really leave her mind. Maybe the relationship wasn't very bad and ended in a way that both sides felt comfortable (or at least to your boy friend), that's why when they meet again, he would surely feel happy (you know, the kind of happiness you get when you meet an old friend?), and she might feel happy too, but in a totally different aspect. She would feel very irritated that now he has you. She would feel very angry and jealous with the thought that he wants to marry you and lives with you for the rest of his life. She may feel unfairly misunderstood or mistreated with the thought it should be Her that he wants to marry not you. Sound crazy eh? But that's borderline personality. He welcomed her as his friend, and maybe he really did want something from her sister.
Just imagine, if one random day, your boyfriend shows up and tells you "Hey babe, I just met my ex, she and I used to have so much fun together, especially in sex". How would you feel then? Horrible right? That's why he decides to cover it up with a lie.

Bj and I have been sleeping together since before you two hooked up and off and on since. I’ve showed up twice at the house while you were there. He told me he would keep calling me even if I refused his.
Can you feel anything weird about this? She came to Your house while You Were There, and your boyfriend would tell her that he would keep calling even if she refuses?? Now This doesn't make sense. If he really cheated, He would be the one that come to Her house. All these seem to me like she voluntarily went to your house to make a mess and to ruin your relationship.

About the pictures, did he ask for them in the messages? Or she just sent it to him? That's what you have to make clear.

And yes those are what people usually say when they mess up and want a second chance. But what else do you expect him to say? "Hey I said I was sorry, forgive me and get back together for God's sake"??

I'm sorry I don't agree with all this. My opinion is :

1. Your boyfriend's phone is his business. I can't believe he lets you go through it whenever you want.

I'd nevet let my boyfriend call an unregistered number he finds on my phone, to ask -whatever that guy/girl did- what's going on.

2. You are extremely controlling and you leave him no personal space. I'm sorry but it's not a healthy relationship.

3. You have to learn to trust people. He doesn't have to tell you about all his female friends, like you don't have to tell him about all your male friends. As long as you love each other and want to be together, it shouldn't even matter.

My opinion is, he must be so scared of your reaction, he won't even tell you about his normal female friends (I wouldn't) and if you feel like you're being fooled then just walk away, but you have to fix your insecurities before you inflict the same pain and drama to the next guy.

I think you have enough red flags to be paying close attention to because for one, he hasn't provided enough facts to reassure you, and for another thing why keep a secret of anything that's innocent! Sh may just be a nut case, so why not be open about it?

Before you proceed further, clear all this up, like mature adults in a committed relationship should, by calmly and honestly talking and if you still are not satisfied then make a choice to leave or stay as trust and communications are needed in any relationship. Without it, you are just sleeping together under the same roof.

I agree with you. If there is nothing to hide then why secrets. All this happened all at once and it was too much to sort out.

Thanks for the comments and I hope some of you are right because it would be much easier to relax and trust him and move on versus finding out my boyfriend has been lying and cheating. I welcome any relationship advice in general because I can use it in my next relationship.

The boundaries, terms, conditions or whatever you want to call it that my boyfriend and I have both agreed on isn't my issue. We agreed, if at any time our terms needed to be adjusted we would talk about it. These boundaries were created and agreed upon by both of us. This is a summary (there are more details) and I didn't mean to paint myself as a control freak. In this situation I let my emotions get the best of me, but it doesn't excuse the fact that he told me one thing and did something else. The only limits we both have are getting physically or emotionally connected to someone new (and keeping it a secret) and I think this is fair. We were very specific. When we first got into the relationship we sat and talked about our likes and dislikes. I have a problem with him telling me one thing and doing another. I feel like he came up with things to try to control me, but secretly did whatever he wanted to do. He told me he could handle me doing the same things.

We both talk to people of the opposite sex daily. We have separate lives (we don't live together). I believe that if you are talking, getting to know, going to lunch, making plans with someone a couple of times a week then why can't your partner know? People who have nothing to hide—hide nothing.

He told me he was basically flirting with these girls to get stuff out of them. This made me feel like I didn't even know this person. But he claims that he doesn't normally act like this. Then this girl pops up, and she isn't an ex he had a girlfriend during the time he told me that he “messed” with her so she was a booty call. It just made me feel like if you were cheating with her on your last girl you are probably doing the same to me.

So my problem wasn't with how we choose to run the relationship, but if someone acts outside of the person that you know them to be one time how do you know it's a human mistake or it's proof that they aren't the person that you thought they were. I came to this message board because I don't want to let a relationship go because of a human mistake. Because my first thought was to leave because he lied and now I don't trust him. I wanted to believe his excuses but I didn't want to believe just anything. My heart believes every word but my logical self said, “this doesn't make sense.” I wanted to see what others people thought: Am I wrong (because this would be easy to fix) or based on his actions is he playing me?

Comment on Aleeravilu's post

I chose not to call her because I don't trust her. I do think she is nuts.

It makes more sense now. You must feel like you're losing everything you've been trying to build with him since the beginning because all you wanted was a healthy, honest relationship - and there's nothing wrong with it.

It's just my opinion, but I'd give it another shot; because I think he needs another chance to fix things, and if he can't, it would give you enough time to have a solid backup plan, therefore limit the damage from your breakup.
Keep us posted.

I think it comes a time in all relationships when we have to re evaluate if this will work for us or not. Mistakes are made and can be forgiven if there is full disclosure, and trust. As we learn more about our partner, new facts as to their character comes to light and we have choices to make as we go. All of this goes to how well we work with our partners through honest communications, to resolve any problems that life throws at us, to the benefit of both partners.

Only you can decide to trust, or if his actions that cross the lines of what you think is good behavior, a mistake, or just part of his character.

So that brings us to how do you find out the facts of a mistake, or character flaw you cannot abide by? By HONEST COMMUNICATIONS. Then you can make the proper decision for yourself. Its not easy, because no one really wants to give up on a relationship, and most times we think things can be fixed. That's very human, but not always the best road to follow, because truth be told, few people change who they are to any great extent, and can only be themselves.

Its sad when we expect a partner to change and work with us, when actually they cannot, because they simply don't want to. Then we have to make a decision to go along with the program, or leave and have our own program. Its not an easy choice because we have feelings, but when you have facts, you better pay attention to them when you have a choice to make.

The worst thing you can do in a relationship I think, is not tell your partner when you are unhappy, and want some kind of change. That would be HONEST communications, and gives you both options, and opportunities for working together.