Ok, so I am 31, just turned. I am extremely sexual. My Libido is sky high. My boyfriend used to be very sexual and experimental. Used to be, is key here. We never have sex, I have no idea what has happened. I catch him maturbating, and instead of inviting me, he hides and denise it. I hate it. Porn has always been OK with me, nothing against it, until now. I am extremely jealous now because he chooses to watch and only think of himself. He never gives me foreplay, NEVER. He, in fact, has only given me oral sex twice in our relationship. I give it to him all the time, well not anymore because I am hostille, but I used to. Will this ever change? I love him, I"'m just so not in love with our sex life, or very much lack there of. I hate who I am becoming, a freakin private investigator...do his boxers have *** on them (always), am I checking the history on the computer...it's a horrible, unflattering experience all together, I don not wan't to be "that girl." I am really attractive, I just don't get it, if anyone at all can help, I will be forever grateful.
Thank you all-
Lonely, LBC

Have you talked to him about it? Not in terms of accusations about the masturbation, but in terms of how you are feeling and finding out how he is feelling?

Masturbation for guys is not the same thing as having sex with someone. Sometimes, masturbation is just a means to an end. It's a guy thing. It actually is stress relieving, helps induce sleep, and overall just releases a lot of tension. If a guy goes too long without masturbating, the stress of holding back can actually cause distraction in other areas of his life.

It's okay to want to have sex... especially with your boyfriend. You don't become "that girl" by wanting to be intimate with someone you love. I would talk to him about it. There is usually an underlying reason (usually stress) that he doesn't want to be intimate with another person.

Well I've heard this from a few girls in the past, I personally don't understand why a guy would not want to be with you as opposed by himself. Reasons I've been given are; That its something other than the usual (Sad) and that its just a release (such a cope out) if you haven't changed at all I really couldn't say what the reason is, but would love to hear a good reason why this happens

It is possible that he is having some erectile dysfunction. Or some other issues, in keeping it up. It could be completely physical and have nothing to do with you. I would invite him over for a quiet dinner alone. Do NOT have sex on your mind, and simply TALK To him. Find that intellectual connection you have. Pretend you are courting all over again way back in the beginning of the relationship.

And when you guys have gotten comfratable just talking, possibly tactfully and politely ask him if something is bothering him. And explain your concerns for your sex life. Don't call HIM out. Let him know how much YOU miss him and how worried you are for him.
If the problem is an erectile issue, many men are embarrassed about it. Let him know how much you love him and want to help.

From what I read in your post... he is likely not as happy in the relationship as you are... he isn't a very attentive lover at best... and its likely he is shutting down over something he percieves as wrong in the relationship you might not be aware of.

I'm willing to venture a guess, he isn't the most comunicative person? Right...

99.99% of the time a guy would rather have his wife or girlfriend take care of business than do it himself... if they are really all that good anyway. The few that don't most likely have undisclosed issues...

After 4 yeaars dating... has there been ANY discussions of taking things to the next level? Kids, marriage... not necessarily in that order?

We have a very big thing in common here, but mine is worse.. me and my long term boyfriend are also dealing with self masturbation thing. We have been together for 12 years now, and all the while, he doesn't know that I always caught him doing it alone in the bathroom. Yes, it's very awkward to feel that your investigating him secretly. Just this morning, my mood went so bad again since I found out he masturbated again when I was just here waiting for him to ask me if I want to. He is in his 40's and I'm 31.. same as you my libido is extremely high as well.. I wanted to please him all the time but it seems he can't cope up as he always say when I asked because it's been 10 years that I haven't completely climaxed. It's been always him. I feel very bad because I don't know what's making him do that when I'm just here available for him. Sometimes I feel maybe I'm so addictive to sex that I might be overreacting. I've been checking online if this cause and some read that it might be some kind of addiction. It's like a disease in their mind that they can't resist. It makes me a different person every time I found out that he did it especially if we seldom have sex.. like in one week, I'll be happy if we do it, but if we do, after having sex, just after 20 to 30 minutes, I'll find him masturbating in the bathroom again.. and I really don't get it and it's making me so upset. To think that I didn't climaxed when we had sex, and him masturbating after we did it just makes me so damn mad. I can say that he was really enjoying it when we do it since he always come. I think he has issues. I love him too since he is the father of my child and I seem to have difficulties in confronting him about it since he came from a conservative family. I always tell him that if he wants me he can ask anytime just to give him An idea that he can have sex with me anytime. He is not really good in bed since he just know the typical positions. He doesn't even give me foreplay. I do all the weird work for him that keeps him satisfied. So in conclusion, its really hard to ask him about it since he is not so communicative about his feelings or whatsoever. It's really a big deal for me. I do not know what to do either. Your not the only one suffering and I can tell it's not us who is to blame here. The problem is with them. Because no matter how hard it is, we girls can make something work to fix the problem. I hope I made you feel better.. :)

A couple of people have mentioned that maybe something is bothering him lately causing him to use masturbation as a quick stress reliever. Sex takes effort, often on the man's part in particular, and if he's too distracted and/or feeling overwhelmed, sex might just be too much for him to manage. If this has been a relatively short-lived issue maybe try to find out if something is actually bothering him (stressing him out or making him sad) or see if you can't just wait the problem out. Emotional distress and distraction can also contribute to impotence which might be a compounding issue. Porn is very visually stimulating (allowing for distraction from his normal worries) and with porn he only has to worry about himself, both things which might reduce his stress.
It could also be that after 4 years he is craving some variety. If you're comfortable with it, maybe offer to watch the porn with him and see how he responds.

This thread is from 2010. Check the dates.