My name is Sean I am 21 and I really need help, I have been with this women for over a year and a half and as irresponsible as it was to have a child we agreed it is what we wanted. Things seemed to go down hill, fighting, belittling, and pretty mean things said all around. As a father to be I expected to just deal with it and do my best to be there for her, this advice was giving from many people that what I am expecting is a roller coaster of hate, disgust, and resentment for a while. We don't live together she is living with her father and her step mom.

I don't believe in fairy tales, or something that is too good to be true, I know we make our own fait and build our own paths, but I need advice and honestely I would love some sort of sign that I am not crazy.
On and off her and I will say we love each other and want to be with one another one day (or at least work it out and try), mind you we broke up about a little over two months after our daughter was born and now she is going on four months now. I don't want to wait until it is too late to work at things. On the flip side every once in a while the fighting still occurs, I believe that we have developed a little respect towards each other when it comes to fighting and have come a long way from what we previously did. I love both her and my daughter with all of my heart and through all the hatred of words I know she feels the same about me and we our caught in a very bad rutt. I have never felt so much love for someone in my life, not to the point of blind love but the alignment I feel we share is either giving me the illusion that a chance is possible, or that in some way there is still hope.

Anyway our daughter is about to be 4mo this is November and we planned on joining a church and seeking relationship counseling after the holidays so we can take some time to let things heal, taking things a day at a time. Well today we got into a fight, not that this is an excuse but I had a really terrible night stressful, car was vandalized and now I am faced with a price I cannot afford. Well this morning I went to pick my daughter up before I go to work so I can spend some time with her, as I am deathly allergic to cats and on a very tight budget being at her house with 13 cats for any period puts me in a panic mode as the cat dander literally closes up my airways. She stated that I need to communicate because she is willing to help with medical bills until I get pay from my new promotion. I was frustrated because at one point she mentioned that I need to do it on my own, which I had no problem with. I then proceeded to walk away as she continued to get ready for work herself and what appeared like "out of no where" she gets very angry that I am not taking the proper steps to be around my daughter, and quoted "you have the label of the father but you are not stepping up to the plate like one", she then asked if I was still taking her to work which I had planned to in the first place, and had no problem with, I stared at her blank as I was baffled at the way she was acting but what was said was "we will go back the old arraignment and i wont ask you for rides (where i get her on my days and help with finances and that is it.)" I see her side and am pursuing a future I had planned regardless of weather of not she will want to be in my life anymore in the end. Mechanical engineering in the air force, was my dream for a while and was our goals as a couple to move and raise our daughter. I'm sorry I am getting very sidetracked, very irritated and confused.

Anyway a few days ago is when we decided that we want to eventually work things out, that things have been getting better between us and that we still loved each other, a very emotional phone conversation. It left me hopeful and somewhat happy well today hit, She stated that "we haven't had anything to fight about and today we did, look how it turned out", which I understood we have not had too much to fight about but we have worked with each other as a team far more than we did before leyna (my daughter) was born. So I am stuck, I love this women with all of my heart and I know she does as well, she might say the cliché of "I do love you but I'm not in love with you" but she makes small hints that she still loves me and wants things to work out and in sometimes literally says it... So I guess what my concern is, she say's I am not making an effort, in which some cases I see her point, but others I disagree with. She seams to manipulate it to where I do not make a genuine effort. I work full time with plenty of overtime trying to make the bread, and I am over there at a drop of a dime whenever she needs me, We have planned that I will get her as much as possible which is literally anytime I am not working and have days off. So I am lost, I need help bad, I don't want to lose her and most of all I don't want to lose my family. I feel like I have completely been shut out after today, and I am scared of just about everything possible, courts, order of protection, never seeing her again, never working out again.

I know from what advice I have been told is to just stick in there let her know that you will be there whenever she decides to get her head on straight because after her pregnancy she has the focus (which is not wrong) that nothing matters but our child, in which it does but together we make great parents, just disagreement turn wrong. No fist no aggravation towards physical abuse, just words. Please help me, I am dazed, jolted, and confused. I really need someone with honest advice preferably someone with a similar situation. If not please don't tell me "well maybe you should of thought of this before deciding to have a child", no one is perfect.

In summery I feel like a failure, she wants me there and feels that I don't try what so ever, I feel like I am losing my mind trying to keep a grip and being around as much as I can. What can I do? What do I do? Do I leave her be, do I stay around and tough it out and prove to her that I am there for her even if she makes me out to be a pathetic *******? Like I said I'm pretty jolted, I am a new father and overwhelmed trying to give my baby girl a life to look forward to. Is this just a faze? I mean where do I begin, I feel like nothing else matters but her and my daughter, which of course my daughter comes first but she is a part of me, and that draws me closer and closer to her mother, when she flat out hates me at times. Please tell me what I have to look forward to, anything that I can try, do, or improve. HELP!!

The best thing I can suggest is counselling since it seems like the biggest problem here is communication.
Hard to tell from what you have written if your girlfriend wants to stay together or not... although the " I love you but, not in love with you" comment is a classic sign that she wants out. Dumbing you down is another simply another form or trying to create a rift between you two.

I think deep down in your gut you know what is going on. Fact is child or not couples still break up and they can still successfully raise a child together.
I know that is not what you want but for many parents it is the best thing for their child.

Find out what the issues are... does she want to stay together and raise your child and have a family. This should not be a hard question to answer by the way.Give counselling an honest try ( that's if she is willing to do the same).

If all else fails then concentrate on becoming the best parents for your child.

Best of luck!

Sean

It is tough at the best of time for new parents, and it appears even harder seeing as your not living together.

I sincerely hope that your daughter isn't used as leverage in your fights. Both of you need to sit down and sort it out properly and soon before it becomes more than just a fight and belittling to a tug of war over your daughter.

Perhaps the best thing you can both do for now is to focus on your daughter rather than as a couple. Unless of course you can both reconcile your differences, seek counselling or remedy the issues you have at hand it is going to get worse.

As an interim solution, maybe you should focus on being a father and focusing on your job, she focuses on being a mum and her work. Have a confirmed agreement that you can see your daughter at every opportunity you can and support her as and where needed.

Before either of you can make steps forward in your relationship you need to be able reassess what it is that you need/want from each other. What you want to work for, together and how you intend on getting there. How are you going to be able to work through the fights if you live together? You need to start working together as a partners and being able to compromise and make adjustments to allow each other to still grow and mature and progress as individuals, adults and parents.

Positive and open communication.

Good luck

You seem somewhat bewildered as to exactly what she wants from you. As a first step I suggest asking her to spell it out for you. Tell her you are sorry that it seems you aren't stepping up to the plate and making enough effort but that you need to know exactly what she needs from you. You are both new at being parents and it doesn't just all come naturally all the time.

Try to learn to stop an argument escalating by taking a deep breath and thinking. Don't give your side of the argument until you are sure you have heard and understood the other person and have made them know that you have. It is perfectly acceptable to disagree but you both need to listen to and hear the other person before you voice that disagreement.

If all this seems too difficult then a little couples counselling to work on both your communications skills could work wonders.

Also, remember that with a young baby and tiredness your lady is likely to be stressed a lot of the time. You are too. Can you get a babysitter to allow you two some time alone to relax and chat in a less stressful way?

Its really hard to be parents, and work together to raise a child when you both have a lot to learn about yourselves, and each other. Counseling is a great idea, and always remember that she is as frustrated, and scared, and inexperienced as you are.

Be patient with her as she heals from a life changing event that will take longer than a mere 4 months, and don't expect the transition to be smooth or easy, from carefree kids having big fun, to responsible adults and good parents.

You are not a failure at all, and seem very willing to do the right things, so meet the challenges, and obstacles you face with love, patience, and understanding, no matter her MOODS, desires, and wishes. She is healing, and will heal for a while, and so are you, as you make ADJUSTMENTS to your circumstances.

As unique and personal as your situation feels to you, and her, its what all us humans go through, and its no mistake at all, unplanned though it was, making new humans is what we humans do.

I see this as two separate issues.

There isn't a question that you are a good father, and your heart is in the right place. I believe you that you will do what you have to do to continue to be a loving and supportive father.

That, however, may not have to be, in conjunction with, or subject to, what the child's mother wants. You can establish proper custody/visitation/child support with or without her cooperation, or lack of. You do not have to be in a position of wondering how much abuse you have to take from the mother, in order to see your child, and thus just taking her bad behaviour in order to do so.

My first point is, get a lawyer, establish legally, your right to ensure visitation with your daughter, on a regular basis.

Ideally, having a baby is an addition to, a solid, committed, healthy relationship. Both parties raising one child, together. A baby does not automatically mean this will happen (obviously). A baby will not change who the parents are, how they get along or not get along, or in other words act as some sort of magic spell that will make everything okay.

I don't see how your relationship with your baby's mother is even a healthy one. The two of you don't fight fair, there is continued, and unresolved anger issues, that at best, are just put to the side where they simmer, until the next time. And there is always it seems, a next time. Neither of you are moving forward together, you are both stuck in the same miserable place of not getting along.

Set some boundaries, and resolve the relationship, one way or the other. Stop being a sitting duck for her moods, accusations, and vindictive, hurtful behaviour. Don't accept that because she says so, you are a rotten person, and a lousy dad. Give her a few ultimatums.

1. Counselling. Date, time and place. Not after Christmas, or when it suits her, but NOW. Make the appointments and tell her you expect her to keep them if she is serious about saving the relationship. If she won't go, you go.

2. Stop the arguing. Tell her that your reponsibilities to your daughter are not in question, nor are your intentions of being a good father. You will not negotiate YOUR daughter, in order to keep the relationship going. She is separate from the relationship problems. Two different and distinct issues.

3. Stop being afraid. Take and tackle, one problem at a time, beginning with a proper order in court, to establish your rights and responsibilities.

4. Stop trying to read her mind, her motives, her actions, and her words. Decide that you will no longer be drawn into ANY arguments, and walk away when she starts to beat you up emotionally about what a lousy person/father you are. Take charge of YOU.

5. There is no law that states that you have to be subject to any abusive behaviour, by anybody. Nor is there a law that says you should just take it. But, there are laws that ensure your rights and obligations as a parent.

You do not need to be there for your ex. That may never happen. You DO need to be there for your daughter, and that may turn out to be the only meaningful relationship you will have in this situation.

Stand up for yourself, get some good advice, decide on a course of action to finally and once and for all determine whether the relationship with your daughter's mother will work.

If it is going to work with her, she'll get into counselling. If she doesn't make the choice to do so, you will know where you stand with her, which is nowhere.

But, you are a father now, and that should be your only focus.