I am having trouble putting words to the incredible amount of feelings that have controlled my every thought since I found out that my soul mate and love of my life was betraying my faith in him by having graphic sexual affairs via email and internet messaging. It was completely unexpected, as I believed that he truly was the man for me and me alone. The worst part of it is that I feel he is still in love with the affair he was having with these women online. I call it an affair because since it began, years ago on my space, he would sleep the entire day when we could have been dealing with the distractions that we both saw starting to develop between us. He talked to me less and less, stayed up all night playing computer games until I would go to sleep, then hover blocking the screen as he excitedly typed holes of despair into myself worth with no regard for the fool behind him who bought the computer, softly crying, starving to death from emotional abandonment. He says he doesn't contact them sexually anymore but they are still friends and he gets giddy when he notices that they are trying to contact him and are still making plays for him. Then it feels like fire, like the flesh is slowly being torn from my bones. And a bitter cold sets in leaving me hollow and trembling wishing I could die. I can't really describe how painful this is. I'm 46. I'm done.
We made up dreams together. I learned to think about surviving my future. Before, I didn't care about anything but getting my daughter grown up or into a secure loving family so she would be safe if any of my stalker exes ever caught up with me and evened the score for leaving them. Having been through the pain of having my head repeatedly slammed in a car door, and having had my heart broken like this I strongly prefer the head trauma to this gut wrenching white hot agony that burns on and on in me now. He is trying to present his intentions to stay with me, he feels guilty about treating me that way, but there is still plenty of passion in his fingers when he types to his digital harem. Suddenly I am the other woman, keeping him bound by guilt from being happy with his true loves in his happy little keyboard world. My daughter is grown with her own family and as she isn't kids, I am not going to be a benefit to her life in the future. My new world is cold, vast, foreign and utterly empty. I'm alone in a whirlpool of self loathing and worthlessness and I just thinking that it isn't worth it to reach out for a lifeline, unless it is a line thrown by a psychotic ex, whose line I would take in prayer that he would end this emptyness in me once and for all.

Moved from Adult Sexuality, because this is more about surviving a failing relationship. I think you will get more help here, hekler

I want to say I am sorry you're going through this.

When I found my ex's "digital harem" I felt the same way. And trust me you're not alone. But I think you're missing a few points there.

First of all, your daughter isn't gone for good. You will always be her mother and can keep a healthy relationship with her.

About your boyfriend... I tried to reason my ex, talk to him, even seduce him again (I sent him pictures of myself like those women do) as a desperate attempt to save my relationship. Truth is, a part of it is exciting for him because he will probably never meet them (well, mine did eventually, but I didn't know about it until I ended the relationship) and that it's anonymous, secret... "forbidden."

The third time I found evidence of it, it hit me. It's pathetic. No matter how caring, loving, smart, funny or cute they are (at that point, my ex was none of these) those men are pathetic creatures because they don't even have the confidence or the guts to go somewhere, cheat on you, maybe even leave you for someone else. They just "pretend" and this is inacceptable.

This is the feeling cheating can cause. Anger, a lot of it. You're mad at him, you're mad at yourself for being this way. It's heartbreaking, I know you feel like you're worth less than those e-*****s but you're not. You're only 46, not 70. You still have plenty of things to live and far away from the person who makes you feel this way.

You know you deserve better, maybe this is why it hurts so much because you know you could be happy with someone who would treat you with respect.

When we commit to a relationship with someone, we bet on them. After each step (moving in, getting married, having kids... ) we double that bet and it's hard to admit that we messed up. But it really is okay. You bet on the wrong person, but it's time to leave him in his e-world and his keyboard to find your own real world.

Give yourself another chance. I wish you well.

I am very sorry to hear this... I think sometimes you got to know when to let go or when its time to fight. But fighting should come from both sides.

I feel your pain through your very flowery writing, and not to be mean or cruel, but instead of feeling sorry for yourself, maybe standing up for yourself. Sitting on a pity pot will NOT help your wounded dignity, and self respect.

Instead of wishing for some psycho ex to help you, help yourself by telling him his behavior is unacceptable, and unless it changes right freaking now, he has to go! If it doesn't change immediately, kick his a$$ to the curb, and make better choices for yourself, like building a life that you enjoy, and that makes you happy with out some stupid, half raised male to depend on.