Hi, I would really appreciate a second opinion on this. My son is 12 years old, he is my only child. I split from his dad years ago and his contact with my son has always been problematic. In the beginning when my son was a baby/toddler I involved police and the courts because he was threatening and violent and snatched him from me on several occasions. I never tried to stop him seeing him but he was just so unreasonable about it. Anyway when my son was for a contact order was made in court after we had both seen welfare officers. I agreed to the contact. On and off over the years my son has not wanted to see him and is frightened of him. He has hit him at least once that I am aware of. He is remarried and has several other children. His wife is v nice and my son loves all his half brothers and sisters but is afraid of his dad. He said he doesn't spend time with him when he is there and just stays on his computer all day. I am constantly making excuses for him such as he is ill or is going to a sleepover, just to avoid confrontation. My ex is very aggressive and abusive to me and we don't communicate at all and he doesn't pay child support. Things have come to a head today as last week I texted him to tell him that my son wants to stop going to judo lessons with him. He has never liked going and I don't think he should be forced into a hobby he doesn't enjoy. My son was afraid of seeing his father again after this but went this morning, after he had been there a while my son texted me and said his dad had been yelling at him and he was really scared and would I pick him up. I had to make a quick decision to pick him up and drop him at my mum's so I would nt be late for work, so he sneaked out of the house and I took him. I then texted his father and said I had taken him because he was afraid. He had called me pathetic and worthless and said my son would be better off if I was dead as I am turning him into a wimp with no backbone and he should have been forced to go to judo. Do you think he's right? My son is now saying he doesn't ever want to see his dad again as he is just afrad of him and has to witness him hitting his younger brothers all the time. I know some men think that this is the way to teach boys to be men. Am I being too soft or should I respect my son's wish not to see his father as he is 12 now?

Hitting a child is not anyone's idea of making them a man, it is abuse, now spanking a child is not hitting and another issue, so not sure what father is actually doing for sure

Your child at 12 has no right to decide to see or not to see, if the father has court ordered visits you will have to go back to court to get the visits taken away or the father can hold you in contempt of court for not providing the child for visits.

As for judo, yes martial arts are get for kids, and if he has a chance to do it, go for it, if the cihild wants to. ( and I know of almost no 12 year old boy would not) It teaches pride in yourself, self respect and respect of others, and good physcial fitness

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He has tried judo and doesn't enjoy it so why force a child to have a hobby they don't enjoy. He loves football and has recently taken up badminton so he does get exercise he just isn't interested in judo and I personally think that children enjoy doing different things and where possible parents should accommodate that not force the child into a hobby just because it's what they used to enjoy.

Judo is the least of your worries.

I would petition the court, and tell them, what you have said here. A boy of 12 should have some say in this, and don't quote me I'm not a lawyer, but if a judge thinks it is important enough to hear his feelings on visiting with his father, he should be encouraged to speak, or submit a letter, or video, or something so that he can be heard.

It couldn't have been easy for him to sneak out of the house, out of fear! I can only imagine what would have happened to him, had his father caught him. Don't put him in that position again. What would have happened if he was unable to reach you on your cell phone. What if you had been at a meeting with the phone off, and the police showed up telling you you had to get to the hospital because his father beat him.

Ask your lawyer, and see about speaking to the court about the visitation again, and at least try to have this connection severed, which is what I presume your son wants.

Write down events, as they happen. Dates, times, conversations, everything. Describe how your son was feeling, and record it all on paper.

That he went on to have other children that he also abuses, does not in my book, make his wife 'lovely'. It makes her an accomplice. Anyone who allows their children to be physically abused, and does nothing to protect them, is not a 'lovely' person.

While there may be a long history between you and your ex, and your son, now that your son is the age he is, he may very well be the one that will influence this visitation arragement the most.

For his sake, I hope he finally has a say in stopping the abuse, by stopping the visits.

Thanks for your reply. I worded my original question incorrectly. My son texted me from inside his father's house and asked if I would pick him up so I told him that I would and he then told his dad he was playing out and I picked him up outside. With hindsight I probably would nt have done this but I had to think fast as I didn't want him there all weekend afraid but I had to be at work half an hour later.

What I'm saying is, there has been a long negative history between your ex, and you. Had the situation been reversed, and your son had secretly called his father to say he was afraid, and to come pick him up, and then he proceeded to follow through on that plan, by saying he was just going outside to play.

What would you have done, when you found out what had happened, and got a call from your ex, saying he was with him.

I am not saying your son didn't have a good reason to do what he did, or that you didn't do what you needed to do to get him out of your ex's home. What I'm saying is that your ex had legal visitation, after all the history to determine if it was safe for your son to have regular visitation with him. And this plan to remove him, without your ex's knowledge or consent, could cause you, a lot of problems.

So to keep it hanging like that, without any resolve, means that similar situations will happen like that, again. You are already finding yourself in a position of having to make excuses for your son not to have to visit his father, even though there is a court order in place. Your son is also at that age where he would probably prefer to be out with his friends rather than go to his father's house, and you will find yourself in a worse position than you are in now.

Should your ex decide to see his lawyer about you undermining his legal time with his son, and report you, it will be much more difficult for you to have to justify what you did in the past, rather than take the initative now, to address what you've had to do, and what needs to be done to modify, change, or stop the visits. I know I would say to you if he was witnessing abuse, or being abused himself, why did you not call the police, or seek legal remedy, instead of simply taking him, without permission. From the outside looking in, the lack of communication between you and your ex, doesn't preclude that it is okay to just do what you want to do, or what you did.

There has to be some solution that doesn't see your son put in the position where he is unsafe and either being beaten, or witnessing his step siblings being beaten. As you said, you agreed to the custody arrangement when he was 4, that was 8 years ago. I presume that your son has complained about his father before this, and I wonder why is it now that it is a bigger deal than it was two years ago for example.

What you cannot change on your own, is a court order, or your agreement to allow him to have regular visitation with your son. You cannot change your ex husband, I doubt the two of you even talk, and you cannot change the fact that your son thinks that he is in enough danger at his fathers house, that he needs to plot an escape.

The only things you can do, is to see your lawyer, explain what has happened this time, and any other similar history, give him all the information, and find out what can be legally done to change it. As it is, if things have remained the same for the past 8 years, from what you have said, it is time to change or alter the situation, so that you are sure your son is safe. And if that means your ex no longer has him on the agreed upon days, so be it.

I fear that, if you continue as you have been, the next time your son calls for you to come and get him because he is afraid, you may be prevented from doing so, by a court order in place, from his father, preventing you from doing so.