It had been 2 years since I had a boyfriend or any interaction with a man when I started looking for a no strings encounter over the internet. I'm a single mom and have been sharing a place with family and getting out and dating really didn't seem like an option so I figured I'd just have some fun with someone a few times while everyone was at work/school during the day.
That's how I met him. He was honest and told me he was married from the beginning and honestly it's been my experience and opinion from seeing how men are when their wives aren't around they will cheat. So I just figured it's just going to be once or twice and if he doesn't do it with me it'd just be someone else anyway.

After our 3 meeting though he told me he was falling for me. I felt the same but wasn't as quick to say it out loud. Since I work from home on the internet we both began a love affair that consisted of talking over instant messenger from 7 a.m- 6pm minus a 30 min. lunch break while he was at work and would spend every Friday together. I of course tried to keep him from my family so if someone stayed home he wasn't coming in.
The whole thing just got out of control. I really fell hard for him. He was sweet, attentive, laid out the I love you's like 100 times a day and after a month he started to tell me that he was thinking of leaving his wife because he knew I was the one for him and though he loved her too it was in a different way and he didn't like that he had to lie about who he was and what he enjoyed with her. (We both believed in open relationships).
I tried to break things off and find a single man but he just insisted all the more that he was leaving his wife by the summer and that he wanted to marry me and adopt my son and be a family.
I started college to major in physics in January and I guess 2 weeks later I got pregnant :(
I know a lot of people assume the other woman does this on purpose and I assure you I did not. He actually told me he was infertile and that in the 5 years he was with his wife (3 married) they never had kids. Silly me believed him.

So after finding out I was pregnant we have a few long talks and decide to keep it. He is nervous at first realizing he has so much more on his plate other than a pending divorce now, but within a week is carrying on and on and on about his love 'heart, body and soul' for me. That if anyone should have his child it should be me and that he can't wait to go to the ultrasound and see his baby be born.

Soon after I began to get a deep dark feeling that he was seeing yet another woman and not telling me about it. Now while I believe in open relationships I DO NOT believe in being lied to. That is pretty much the whole purpose of an open relationship. I know most men will cheat if given the chance and opportunity and others seek out that chance and opportunity. It's going to happen whether a woman likes it or not but I prefer to at least be in the know with what my 'love' is up to.
Anyway I ended up catching him making plans to have sex with a random girl (that was really me chatting with him from another e-mail account) on the very day we were suppose to go to our first prenatal care visit. Needless to say I wasn't only distraught by him being willing to leave me/the appt. early to go run off and do this 'Brandy' I created but the fact that he sat there and lied to me first claiming that he wasn't talking to anyone but me, but then after he does mention her he leaves out the fact that he already made plans to have a little extra fun on the side and even when I told him I had a bad feeling about her and asked him to stop talking to her he LIED yet again and told me he did stop talking to her but TYPE TYPE TYPE on my other messenger screen I had open to 'brandy'.
I was infurriated!
I know... what more should I have expected from a man who already proved himself to be a liar and a cheater. Clearly my standards and ability to see things for what they were were broken when I decided to trust him and anything he had to say to me.
I immediately broke up with him. Pregnant or not... I'm not going to stay with someone who lies so easily to me. It's just not even an option for me.
I was so mad though I did act impulsively and had a friend send his wife a message on FB letting her know about the affair, the baby and his promises to leave her. I do regret this... not because the wife doesn't need to know. She certainly should know the truth. But because it was not the right way to let her know. That came from a place of anger and bitterness. Not a place of honestly caring about her well being and need and right to know the truth and for that I wish I could take that moment back.

I did talk to him once after that though. He said they were getting a divorce and maybe after that was done we could try to work things out with us. I told him the only reason why I was still talking to him and being 'friendly' was because I was pregnant with his child and I had no intentions on trying for anything other than to be good parents. So basically he lost me and can forget about having another chance.

He still went on and on about how they are getting a divorce and he won't be able to talk to me for a few weeks because HE can't handle dealing with both of us at once. I mentioned how if he's still in the house she's more than likely going to want to try to work things out and get counseling but he just went on and on about how he didn't even want to work things out and just wanted to let her go and move on with her life like he should have years ago.

So the next day was my prenatal care visit and I instant messaged him after to ask him for his family medical history since the dr. was asking about that. No reply.. for a week I IM'ed him with no reply and then finally sent and e-mail just to get a message from Yahoo informing me that his account had been deleted. So I called him at work and he went on about how he decided to try to make things work after all and that his marriage counselor and sex addiction therapist told him to cut off all ties with me (even though I was pregnant with his kid).
At that point I didn't believe a word out of his mouth and just was like 'oh.. o.k. that's great. I wish y'all the best then. Guess I'll see you in court after the baby is born then."
Inside though I was freaking out since I had only been to his house once and didn't remember how to get there or knew his address. All I knew was his full name, birthdate, that he was once in the army and that he and I were together for 5 whole months where he obviously just told me whatever I wanted to hear so he could have his cake and eat it to. All he had to do was quit his job and I'd be screwed with getting financial help with the baby. I even thought he and his wife were going to up and leave everything and leave the country- that's how freaked out I was.
So I was about 2 months pregnant then and figured I was bound to have a miscarriage from all my stress and depression. I went from a 4.0 in college to a 1.3 because I was unable to focus on anything but the mess I got myself into.
I didn't have a miscarriage though, and bought everything for this baby myself, went to all the dr. visits with no one but my 6 year old son (home schooled now) and I even delivered this baby with no one else in the room but hospital staff since there was only my mom and my son and the dr. would not let my son stay in the room.

The father has had nothing to do with this child and even when I swallowed my pride once and called him at work once again just to tell him what the baby was (boy or girl) he told me he didn't even want to know and preferred to wait for the 'legal stuff'.

So 2 weeks after I give birth I get a call from a private number. It was the dad and he was asking if we could set up a date and time to do the dna test. I had already sent in paper work for the state to handle that since a P.I. friend got his home address for me so at first I told him no. He kept saying how it would be faster and cheaper for us. I laughed and said I don't have to pay for that anyway that's your responsibility. Still, I told him I'd think about it for the sake of not seeming unreasonable. He gave me his pastors number to call in case I changed my mind.
I did end up changing my mind after talking to their pastor since he told me the test being done sooner was more for his wife needing to know the truth. I decided to do that for her, after all it was the least I could do.

We took the test and the results should be in the mail today or tomorrow and I just don't know how I'm suppose to deal with all of this. I honestly never want to see that man's face ever again much less have him around my son. He told me over the phone he intended on being a part of his sons' life once he knows he is the dad. (Funny he never doubted it before! ) And my friend said the pastor told her while he and I were doing the dna test stuff that the father told his wife he is going to be in his son's life no matter what. I'm not sure if that's a - whether she likes it or not- sort of comment but whether it is or not.. I still don't want him anywhere near me or my son.
As far as I'm concerned his wife is number one to him now and he proved that when he missed the day his son was born. He put his sons' life at risk by disappearing without warning or an explanation on what he was doing. I mean sure he explained AFTER he tried to go all houdini on me and I had to basically hunt him down by phone calling his work like some stalker or something.

I'm so incredible mad at him I have seriously been wishing he would get hit by a mac truck and stay the hell away from me and my son. As far as I'm concerned he's just a sperm donor who is acting like he cares now because that's what his church expects him to do and if he's going to convince anyone he's a good man or a changed one he has to own up to his responsibility but I do not trust him at all.

Then there is the whole dealing with his wife issue. I feel bad for what I did but I don't want to be around her and I don't want her playing mommy to my baby either. She is infertile apparently since he wasn't the one that can't make kids and I just get really angry at the fact that he gets to treat me and her this way, apologize and go to some counseling and tell a few truths (probably only the ones he knows I know about) and can come in here at the last minute acting like he's father of the year or something.

I know it'd be wrong of me to keep my son away from a father that wanted to be in his life so I'm really not going to keep him from the baby. But I am requesting in the courts that the wife is not allowed to be alone with my baby because of the circumstances that he was conceived in... well I just don't want to take any chances that she might have a nervous break down one day while he's in her care.
And until we do go to court or a mediation provided by the state I have no intentions of just letting him walk off with my baby. If he wants to see his son he can come here when I have someone else home and I don't want to have any other visitors.. not even his wife.

I know this is hard on her.. but they have had the last 10 months to deal with their pain and hardships. I just got blind sided with the surprise that this jack a$$ wants to come strolling back into my world and be a father to the son he so easily walked away from despite all his promises of love and being there for me and not wanting to stay married to his wife... just to kiss her *** and convince her he doesn't want to sleep with anyone with her ever again.

Which... sorry I know that last part is a lie. He is just that kind of a guy. And after all I've been though here I honestly think he's a sociopath.

Sooo what would you do if you were as stupid as me to get yoruself stuck in this situation.
How would you cope with your own regret, the father and his wife and having a child in these circumstances?

I am guessing that you have learned the lesson that you are not to mess around with anyone who is already taken. This is why, you should have joined this forum a little sooner and read about other people's issues. But anyway, just keep your child your main priority, let the father have his time with the little guy since he is entitled to it, and remember that you are the mother so whether the wife is around or not, that is YOUR baby, and nothing will ever change that. Like you said, just request for her not to see it and leave it to the court to decide, since this was out of your hands since day one.

Good Luck,

Javi

onehotmess: sad as it is, I'm in a similar situation :o( would be great to be able to have a chat with you. I could really understand all of what you were saying, but for some WE are the bad ones when it comes to it. I was with someone for 2yrs, supported him through a lot of things,. while at the same time I was unaware that he was married. I found out,. I was devastated, how ever... id fallen in love with him. Hard to break away,. his wife also knew. A few yrs later, I've just recently had a baby to him. Once again, his wife knows and knows about the baby,. she then let me know that in the 14 yrs they have been together he's had 10-12 affairs and they've worked through everyone of them :/ unbelievable, I've recently come to learn that I'm not the only woman to have a baby to him because he has one at 10yrs old from a previous affair. An affair where he was seeing 4 women at the same time,. (one of them were the woman he is with now,. and who he's now married too) yet he's still gone on to behave this way. I've had him in my life for 7yrs on and off,. that's basically half the time that they have been together but the cycle has now changed. Its ended, I've been gifted with a bundle of love,. and so it seems in return for all the pain and hurt I've suffered throughout the yrs. He doesn't have children with his wife,. she has 2 already but are well into their teens now. Hard to come to terms with but I'm getting there :o) I've sought, I've repent and I've been forgiven, I've also forgive and I've had to let go because I can't lead the rest of my life been angry or upset at this man. He's got a beautiful little girl here, who he hasn't even seen. His loss!

Onehotmess,

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately you were bamboozled by this man... and so was his wife.

I don't judge you though. As we all make mistakes. With those mistakes, there comes a learning lesson.

I too, was in a similar situation, except he was divorced as I was. We were in love with one another, or so I thought. We had an exclusive relationship for many months and we were friends for 3 years prior. I got pregnant (using protection, btw) and now he wants nothing to do with her. In fact, he has changed his number, let his house go under foreclosure, and quit his job. That's OK though, I'm not wanting anything from him.

In your situation, you know what you did was wrong and feel remorse. The only thing that should matter now, is that baby.

What he did was wrong and selfish. He hurt so many people along the way. If he can be a great parent to this child, then he may have a chance to redeem himself.

Is he going to pay child support?

First I can tell from the "hate" in the writing about him, you have not got over the relationship,

First remember him being a part of his child's life, does not mean he has to be part of yours, for good or bad, he can be a part of the child's life and there is nothing really you can do about it, if he wants to get visits with the child. Also remember the child is not a weapon to use to get back at him for the pain he has caused you.

FYI

Offline contact is prohibited by the site. All questions and answers are to remain on the site to insure that you are getting the most appropriate responses for your query.

Let me also remind you that placing your personal email on a worldwide website only opens you to harassment from people who may not see your side of the story. It also opens you up to stalkers.

The only thing that matters now, is how you are going to proceed to to the best you can, for the sake of your baby. That you would rather your 'ex' not be a part of his/her life really doesn't matter in the scope of things. That you may be underestimating that, considering the character of the baby's father, his wife may be a good influence in your son's life, because she is at least capable of trying to make her marriage work. I would think someone that dedicated to a man that considers 'open relationship's' okay, when obvioulsy she doesn't, says more positive things about her character, than his.

That being said, there will be a relationship with her, and I don't hear you saying that she wants nothing to do with your child. Holding so much bitterness toward the child's father, should not include bitterness toward her, as well. She may be more likely than not to provide more stability, reliability, maturity, and positive influence, than the man you have described.

You say you don't want to hurt her, yet, she has overcome the hurt of a cheating husband (with multiple 'open' relationships), she has weathered that storm, and will likely weather more storms with him. Yet she chose to remain married to him, and that is a plus, because when you are in a custody arrangement with his father, it will be her that will ensure the well being of the child, far more than the likes of him.

She has given you no reason to be bitter, or an inappropriate caregiver to your child, or that she will be in the future. And there is nothing to say that because she is in the picture, he may very well be a gutter snake, but, he may be a good father despite what one would assume from his actions and behaviour. Consider his wife as a little bit of insurance, that somebody else is in the picture, and until you know otherwise, she is most likely a normal stable individual, who is willing to welcome your child, into her life. A better prospect I would think, than the child being only with him.

I have seen too many parents, under similar circumstances, who never intended to be lifelong partners together for life. And you are going to be lifelong partners together, as parents. For your own well being, and that of your child, I hope that once the baby gets here, and the legal dust has settled and everybody knows what the visitation arrangements are going to be, that, you can communicate with him, and his wife, gracefully and with enough maturity that your son will not become a part of a battle between the adults that will last for at least the first 18 years of his or her life.

I hope also for your own well being, that you are able to put the past in the past, and prepare yourself for the future with a different attitude, and if you put your child's needs first, you will learn to cope with the fact that, at least for the foreseeable future, your 'ex' and his wife, will indeed play a big role in your child's life.

Being the wife of a husband who had a child in a cheating relationship (before marriage) I really don't feel as if you should worry about his wife mis-treating your child or "having a nervous breakdown" while she has possession of your child. Everyone makes mistakes and she seems to realize that if her and her husband have taken steps to move forward. Also I look at it from this point of view in my circumstance... Why in the hell would I want to ruin my life and my marriage over mistreating my husbands other child? Realistically if the wife ever mis-treats her step child she risks losing her husband and her own family... not something most women are willing to risk...