onehotmess
Nov 18, 2010, 09:49 AM
It had been 2 years since I had a boyfriend or any interaction with a man when I started looking for a no strings encounter over the internet. I'm a single mom and have been sharing a place with family and getting out and dating really didn't seem like an option so I figured I'd just have some fun with someone a few times while everyone was at work/school during the day.
That's how I met him. He was honest and told me he was married from the beginning and honestly it's been my experience and opinion from seeing how men are when their wives aren't around they will cheat. So I just figured it's just going to be once or twice and if he doesn't do it with me it'd just be someone else anyway.
After our 3 meeting though he told me he was falling for me. I felt the same but wasn't as quick to say it out loud. Since I work from home on the internet we both began a love affair that consisted of talking over instant messenger from 7 a.m- 6pm minus a 30 min. lunch break while he was at work and would spend every Friday together. I of course tried to keep him from my family so if someone stayed home he wasn't coming in.
The whole thing just got out of control. I really fell hard for him. He was sweet, attentive, laid out the I love you's like 100 times a day and after a month he started to tell me that he was thinking of leaving his wife because he knew I was the one for him and though he loved her too it was in a different way and he didn't like that he had to lie about who he was and what he enjoyed with her. (We both believed in open relationships).
I tried to break things off and find a single man but he just insisted all the more that he was leaving his wife by the summer and that he wanted to marry me and adopt my son and be a family.
I started college to major in physics in January and I guess 2 weeks later I got pregnant :(
I know a lot of people assume the other woman does this on purpose and I assure you I did not. He actually told me he was infertile and that in the 5 years he was with his wife (3 married) they never had kids. Silly me believed him.
So after finding out I was pregnant we have a few long talks and decide to keep it. He is nervous at first realizing he has so much more on his plate other than a pending divorce now, but within a week is carrying on and on and on about his love 'heart, body and soul' for me. That if anyone should have his child it should be me and that he can't wait to go to the ultrasound and see his baby be born.
Soon after I began to get a deep dark feeling that he was seeing yet another woman and not telling me about it. Now while I believe in open relationships I DO NOT believe in being lied to. That is pretty much the whole purpose of an open relationship. I know most men will cheat if given the chance and opportunity and others seek out that chance and opportunity. It's going to happen whether a woman likes it or not but I prefer to at least be in the know with what my 'love' is up to.
Anyway I ended up catching him making plans to have sex with a random girl (that was really me chatting with him from another e-mail account) on the very day we were suppose to go to our first prenatal care visit. Needless to say I wasn't only distraught by him being willing to leave me/the appt. early to go run off and do this 'Brandy' I created but the fact that he sat there and lied to me first claiming that he wasn't talking to anyone but me, but then after he does mention her he leaves out the fact that he already made plans to have a little extra fun on the side and even when I told him I had a bad feeling about her and asked him to stop talking to her he LIED yet again and told me he did stop talking to her but TYPE TYPE TYPE on my other messenger screen I had open to 'brandy'.
I was infurriated!
I know... what more should I have expected from a man who already proved himself to be a liar and a cheater. Clearly my standards and ability to see things for what they were were broken when I decided to trust him and anything he had to say to me.
I immediately broke up with him. Pregnant or not... I'm not going to stay with someone who lies so easily to me. It's just not even an option for me.
I was so mad though I did act impulsively and had a friend send his wife a message on FB letting her know about the affair, the baby and his promises to leave her. I do regret this... not because the wife doesn't need to know. She certainly should know the truth. But because it was not the right way to let her know. That came from a place of anger and bitterness. Not a place of honestly caring about her well being and need and right to know the truth and for that I wish I could take that moment back.
I did talk to him once after that though. He said they were getting a divorce and maybe after that was done we could try to work things out with us. I told him the only reason why I was still talking to him and being 'friendly' was because I was pregnant with his child and I had no intentions on trying for anything other than to be good parents. So basically he lost me and can forget about having another chance.
He still went on and on about how they are getting a divorce and he won't be able to talk to me for a few weeks because HE can't handle dealing with both of us at once. I mentioned how if he's still in the house she's more than likely going to want to try to work things out and get counseling but he just went on and on about how he didn't even want to work things out and just wanted to let her go and move on with her life like he should have years ago.
So the next day was my prenatal care visit and I instant messaged him after to ask him for his family medical history since the dr. was asking about that. No reply.. for a week I IM'ed him with no reply and then finally sent and e-mail just to get a message from Yahoo informing me that his account had been deleted. So I called him at work and he went on about how he decided to try to make things work after all and that his marriage counselor and sex addiction therapist told him to cut off all ties with me (even though I was pregnant with his kid).
At that point I didn't believe a word out of his mouth and just was like 'oh.. o.k. that's great. I wish y'all the best then. Guess I'll see you in court after the baby is born then."
Inside though I was freaking out since I had only been to his house once and didn't remember how to get there or knew his address. All I knew was his full name, birthdate, that he was once in the army and that he and I were together for 5 whole months where he obviously just told me whatever I wanted to hear so he could have his cake and eat it to. All he had to do was quit his job and I'd be screwed with getting financial help with the baby. I even thought he and his wife were going to up and leave everything and leave the country- that's how freaked out I was.
So I was about 2 months pregnant then and figured I was bound to have a miscarriage from all my stress and depression. I went from a 4.0 in college to a 1.3 because I was unable to focus on anything but the mess I got myself into.
I didn't have a miscarriage though, and bought everything for this baby myself, went to all the dr. visits with no one but my 6 year old son (home schooled now) and I even delivered this baby with no one else in the room but hospital staff since there was only my mom and my son and the dr. would not let my son stay in the room.
The father has had nothing to do with this child and even when I swallowed my pride once and called him at work once again just to tell him what the baby was (boy or girl) he told me he didn't even want to know and preferred to wait for the 'legal stuff'.
So 2 weeks after I give birth I get a call from a private number. It was the dad and he was asking if we could set up a date and time to do the dna test. I had already sent in paper work for the state to handle that since a P.I. friend got his home address for me so at first I told him no. He kept saying how it would be faster and cheaper for us. I laughed and said I don't have to pay for that anyway that's your responsibility. Still, I told him I'd think about it for the sake of not seeming unreasonable. He gave me his pastors number to call in case I changed my mind.
I did end up changing my mind after talking to their pastor since he told me the test being done sooner was more for his wife needing to know the truth. I decided to do that for her, after all it was the least I could do.
We took the test and the results should be in the mail today or tomorrow and I just don't know how I'm suppose to deal with all of this. I honestly never want to see that man's face ever again much less have him around my son. He told me over the phone he intended on being a part of his sons' life once he knows he is the dad. (Funny he never doubted it before! ) And my friend said the pastor told her while he and I were doing the dna test stuff that the father told his wife he is going to be in his son's life no matter what. I'm not sure if that's a - whether she likes it or not- sort of comment but whether it is or not.. I still don't want him anywhere near me or my son.
As far as I'm concerned his wife is number one to him now and he proved that when he missed the day his son was born. He put his sons' life at risk by disappearing without warning or an explanation on what he was doing. I mean sure he explained AFTER he tried to go all houdini on me and I had to basically hunt him down by phone calling his work like some stalker or something.
I'm so incredible mad at him I have seriously been wishing he would get hit by a mac truck and stay the hell away from me and my son. As far as I'm concerned he's just a sperm donor who is acting like he cares now because that's what his church expects him to do and if he's going to convince anyone he's a good man or a changed one he has to own up to his responsibility but I do not trust him at all.
Then there is the whole dealing with his wife issue. I feel bad for what I did but I don't want to be around her and I don't want her playing mommy to my baby either. She is infertile apparently since he wasn't the one that can't make kids and I just get really angry at the fact that he gets to treat me and her this way, apologize and go to some counseling and tell a few truths (probably only the ones he knows I know about) and can come in here at the last minute acting like he's father of the year or something.
I know it'd be wrong of me to keep my son away from a father that wanted to be in his life so I'm really not going to keep him from the baby. But I am requesting in the courts that the wife is not allowed to be alone with my baby because of the circumstances that he was conceived in... well I just don't want to take any chances that she might have a nervous break down one day while he's in her care.
And until we do go to court or a mediation provided by the state I have no intentions of just letting him walk off with my baby. If he wants to see his son he can come here when I have someone else home and I don't want to have any other visitors.. not even his wife.
I know this is hard on her.. but they have had the last 10 months to deal with their pain and hardships. I just got blind sided with the surprise that this jack a$$ wants to come strolling back into my world and be a father to the son he so easily walked away from despite all his promises of love and being there for me and not wanting to stay married to his wife... just to kiss her *** and convince her he doesn't want to sleep with anyone with her ever again.
Which... sorry I know that last part is a lie. He is just that kind of a guy. And after all I've been though here I honestly think he's a sociopath.
Sooo what would you do if you were as stupid as me to get yoruself stuck in this situation.
How would you cope with your own regret, the father and his wife and having a child in these circumstances?
That's how I met him. He was honest and told me he was married from the beginning and honestly it's been my experience and opinion from seeing how men are when their wives aren't around they will cheat. So I just figured it's just going to be once or twice and if he doesn't do it with me it'd just be someone else anyway.
After our 3 meeting though he told me he was falling for me. I felt the same but wasn't as quick to say it out loud. Since I work from home on the internet we both began a love affair that consisted of talking over instant messenger from 7 a.m- 6pm minus a 30 min. lunch break while he was at work and would spend every Friday together. I of course tried to keep him from my family so if someone stayed home he wasn't coming in.
The whole thing just got out of control. I really fell hard for him. He was sweet, attentive, laid out the I love you's like 100 times a day and after a month he started to tell me that he was thinking of leaving his wife because he knew I was the one for him and though he loved her too it was in a different way and he didn't like that he had to lie about who he was and what he enjoyed with her. (We both believed in open relationships).
I tried to break things off and find a single man but he just insisted all the more that he was leaving his wife by the summer and that he wanted to marry me and adopt my son and be a family.
I started college to major in physics in January and I guess 2 weeks later I got pregnant :(
I know a lot of people assume the other woman does this on purpose and I assure you I did not. He actually told me he was infertile and that in the 5 years he was with his wife (3 married) they never had kids. Silly me believed him.
So after finding out I was pregnant we have a few long talks and decide to keep it. He is nervous at first realizing he has so much more on his plate other than a pending divorce now, but within a week is carrying on and on and on about his love 'heart, body and soul' for me. That if anyone should have his child it should be me and that he can't wait to go to the ultrasound and see his baby be born.
Soon after I began to get a deep dark feeling that he was seeing yet another woman and not telling me about it. Now while I believe in open relationships I DO NOT believe in being lied to. That is pretty much the whole purpose of an open relationship. I know most men will cheat if given the chance and opportunity and others seek out that chance and opportunity. It's going to happen whether a woman likes it or not but I prefer to at least be in the know with what my 'love' is up to.
Anyway I ended up catching him making plans to have sex with a random girl (that was really me chatting with him from another e-mail account) on the very day we were suppose to go to our first prenatal care visit. Needless to say I wasn't only distraught by him being willing to leave me/the appt. early to go run off and do this 'Brandy' I created but the fact that he sat there and lied to me first claiming that he wasn't talking to anyone but me, but then after he does mention her he leaves out the fact that he already made plans to have a little extra fun on the side and even when I told him I had a bad feeling about her and asked him to stop talking to her he LIED yet again and told me he did stop talking to her but TYPE TYPE TYPE on my other messenger screen I had open to 'brandy'.
I was infurriated!
I know... what more should I have expected from a man who already proved himself to be a liar and a cheater. Clearly my standards and ability to see things for what they were were broken when I decided to trust him and anything he had to say to me.
I immediately broke up with him. Pregnant or not... I'm not going to stay with someone who lies so easily to me. It's just not even an option for me.
I was so mad though I did act impulsively and had a friend send his wife a message on FB letting her know about the affair, the baby and his promises to leave her. I do regret this... not because the wife doesn't need to know. She certainly should know the truth. But because it was not the right way to let her know. That came from a place of anger and bitterness. Not a place of honestly caring about her well being and need and right to know the truth and for that I wish I could take that moment back.
I did talk to him once after that though. He said they were getting a divorce and maybe after that was done we could try to work things out with us. I told him the only reason why I was still talking to him and being 'friendly' was because I was pregnant with his child and I had no intentions on trying for anything other than to be good parents. So basically he lost me and can forget about having another chance.
He still went on and on about how they are getting a divorce and he won't be able to talk to me for a few weeks because HE can't handle dealing with both of us at once. I mentioned how if he's still in the house she's more than likely going to want to try to work things out and get counseling but he just went on and on about how he didn't even want to work things out and just wanted to let her go and move on with her life like he should have years ago.
So the next day was my prenatal care visit and I instant messaged him after to ask him for his family medical history since the dr. was asking about that. No reply.. for a week I IM'ed him with no reply and then finally sent and e-mail just to get a message from Yahoo informing me that his account had been deleted. So I called him at work and he went on about how he decided to try to make things work after all and that his marriage counselor and sex addiction therapist told him to cut off all ties with me (even though I was pregnant with his kid).
At that point I didn't believe a word out of his mouth and just was like 'oh.. o.k. that's great. I wish y'all the best then. Guess I'll see you in court after the baby is born then."
Inside though I was freaking out since I had only been to his house once and didn't remember how to get there or knew his address. All I knew was his full name, birthdate, that he was once in the army and that he and I were together for 5 whole months where he obviously just told me whatever I wanted to hear so he could have his cake and eat it to. All he had to do was quit his job and I'd be screwed with getting financial help with the baby. I even thought he and his wife were going to up and leave everything and leave the country- that's how freaked out I was.
So I was about 2 months pregnant then and figured I was bound to have a miscarriage from all my stress and depression. I went from a 4.0 in college to a 1.3 because I was unable to focus on anything but the mess I got myself into.
I didn't have a miscarriage though, and bought everything for this baby myself, went to all the dr. visits with no one but my 6 year old son (home schooled now) and I even delivered this baby with no one else in the room but hospital staff since there was only my mom and my son and the dr. would not let my son stay in the room.
The father has had nothing to do with this child and even when I swallowed my pride once and called him at work once again just to tell him what the baby was (boy or girl) he told me he didn't even want to know and preferred to wait for the 'legal stuff'.
So 2 weeks after I give birth I get a call from a private number. It was the dad and he was asking if we could set up a date and time to do the dna test. I had already sent in paper work for the state to handle that since a P.I. friend got his home address for me so at first I told him no. He kept saying how it would be faster and cheaper for us. I laughed and said I don't have to pay for that anyway that's your responsibility. Still, I told him I'd think about it for the sake of not seeming unreasonable. He gave me his pastors number to call in case I changed my mind.
I did end up changing my mind after talking to their pastor since he told me the test being done sooner was more for his wife needing to know the truth. I decided to do that for her, after all it was the least I could do.
We took the test and the results should be in the mail today or tomorrow and I just don't know how I'm suppose to deal with all of this. I honestly never want to see that man's face ever again much less have him around my son. He told me over the phone he intended on being a part of his sons' life once he knows he is the dad. (Funny he never doubted it before! ) And my friend said the pastor told her while he and I were doing the dna test stuff that the father told his wife he is going to be in his son's life no matter what. I'm not sure if that's a - whether she likes it or not- sort of comment but whether it is or not.. I still don't want him anywhere near me or my son.
As far as I'm concerned his wife is number one to him now and he proved that when he missed the day his son was born. He put his sons' life at risk by disappearing without warning or an explanation on what he was doing. I mean sure he explained AFTER he tried to go all houdini on me and I had to basically hunt him down by phone calling his work like some stalker or something.
I'm so incredible mad at him I have seriously been wishing he would get hit by a mac truck and stay the hell away from me and my son. As far as I'm concerned he's just a sperm donor who is acting like he cares now because that's what his church expects him to do and if he's going to convince anyone he's a good man or a changed one he has to own up to his responsibility but I do not trust him at all.
Then there is the whole dealing with his wife issue. I feel bad for what I did but I don't want to be around her and I don't want her playing mommy to my baby either. She is infertile apparently since he wasn't the one that can't make kids and I just get really angry at the fact that he gets to treat me and her this way, apologize and go to some counseling and tell a few truths (probably only the ones he knows I know about) and can come in here at the last minute acting like he's father of the year or something.
I know it'd be wrong of me to keep my son away from a father that wanted to be in his life so I'm really not going to keep him from the baby. But I am requesting in the courts that the wife is not allowed to be alone with my baby because of the circumstances that he was conceived in... well I just don't want to take any chances that she might have a nervous break down one day while he's in her care.
And until we do go to court or a mediation provided by the state I have no intentions of just letting him walk off with my baby. If he wants to see his son he can come here when I have someone else home and I don't want to have any other visitors.. not even his wife.
I know this is hard on her.. but they have had the last 10 months to deal with their pain and hardships. I just got blind sided with the surprise that this jack a$$ wants to come strolling back into my world and be a father to the son he so easily walked away from despite all his promises of love and being there for me and not wanting to stay married to his wife... just to kiss her *** and convince her he doesn't want to sleep with anyone with her ever again.
Which... sorry I know that last part is a lie. He is just that kind of a guy. And after all I've been though here I honestly think he's a sociopath.
Sooo what would you do if you were as stupid as me to get yoruself stuck in this situation.
How would you cope with your own regret, the father and his wife and having a child in these circumstances?