My sister in Law is having Thanksgiving in her home. Her brother in law is an alcoholic, but hse wants to serve wine with dinner. She is afraid to serve it because of him. Should she do it or not. There will be other family there who would like a glass of wine with dinner.

My sister in Law is having Thanksgiving in her home. Her brother in law is an alcoholic, but hse wants to serve wine with dinner. She is afraid to serve it because of him. Should she do it or not. There will be other family there who would like a glass of wine with dinner.

Honestly, I think out of respect for him, that there is no wine with dinner.

Is he a recovering alcoholic? If so, how long?

I have an Uncle who is an alcoholic, and when we had family gatherings, we didn't serve any alcohol. This is when he first quit drinking, so we knew it would be hard for him. He hasn't had a drink in 10 years, so now it is OK for us to serve wine with dinner in front of him.

I have an alcoholic bil (who is a member of A.A.) who insists the rest of the family enjoy wine with holiday dinners (but he won't drink any, of course). We always have to clue him in if we supply the family with cookies or cakes that contain rum or other spirits.

My dad, a Lutheran minister, always had grape juice available for alcoholic church members when they took Communion.

One of the advice columnists recently ran a letter from a woman who expected 15 for Thanksgiving dinner, but two nieces who planned to attend demanded that the hostess make the entire dinner vegan because they are vegans. The advice columnist said it isn't necessary to hamstring the whole dinner and the rest of the guests because of the needs of one or two. The guests with special needs will have to provide for themselves (bring their own vegan foods) or make other arrangements.

I feel the same way about this OP's bil. She can't keep him from all the alcohol in the world, and it's not fair to deprive all of her guests from enjoying wine with their dinner. Ask him ahead of time if he would like grape juice or another fruit juice, especially if toasts are given and he would like to participate in that.

We've had alcoholics in the family, the first few years when they were recovering, we would serve the sparkling grape juice, etc instead. There are many other days of the year that other family members can drink if they want to.

It's also useful, because frequently other relatives in the bloodline will be more susceptible to alcoholism as well. It teaches the younger generation to have fun without alcohol.

One side of my family totally stopped drinking when my grandfather went on the wagon when younger. Even though there is a strong history of alcohol abuse in that side of the family, none of my grandfather's descendants ever drank. So they avoided the alcoholism that would have probably affected some of them.

We've had alcoholics in the family, the first few years when they were recovering, we would serve the sparkling grape juice, etc instead. There are many other days of the year that other family members can drink if they want to.

It's also useful, because frequently other relatives in the bloodline will be more susceptible to alcoholism as well. It teaches the younger generation to have fun without alcohol.

One side of my family totally stopped drinking when my grandfather went on the wagon when younger. Even though there is a strong history of alcohol abuse in that side of the family, none of my grandfather's descendants ever drank. So they avoided the alcoholism that would have probably affected some of them.

Few things:
1) This thread is from November
2) You need to pay more attention to the rating guidelines which you agreed to when you signed up here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedback/using-comments-feature-24951.html

That being said, I disagree with your post. Alcoholism is a choice - as is evidenced by your own words of "...they avoided the alcoholism that would have probably affected some of them." The BIL has an issue with alcohol so he needs to make the choice not to drink; the rest of the family should not have to cater to that. No one is forcing alcohol on him or even serving him with it.

Some friends of mine got married and her father also had issues with alcoholism. He flat-out told them to have beer if they wanted at their reception, saying, "It's my problem; other people shouldn't have to do without just because of my issue."

Per your comment, the reason the family members didn't become alcoholic is not because they don't have a genetic tendency to it. It's because they haven't been exposed, they never drank. Why does it matter when comment was? Advice is still on.

Genetic tracking for alcoholism:

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/genetics/a/genome_map.htm

As a mom of, a child of, a grandchild of, and in in-law of recovered alcoholics, my suggestion is avoid the alcohol.

As a mom of, a child of, a grandchild of, and in in-law of recovered alcoholics, my suggestion is avoid the alcohol.
I married into a family of alcoholics. Yes, it's genetic and physiological and even psychological. Alcohol is available to them anywhere and everywhere -- at family dinners, restaurants, bars, Holy Communion, dining at friends' homes. Hosts/companions will invite them to have a drink without knowing there is a genetic problem. And the alcoholic has no obligation to "tell his story" and admit to alcoholism. A simple, "I'll have a Coke with ice, please" is sufficient.

The alcoholic knows his addiction and chooses to drink or not, to eat the rum balls or not, to eat the bourbon fudge or not. As hostess, what I can do is forewarn him of a potential problem. It's his problem and decision, not mine. He has no right to force everyone else to dance to his tune and be a teetotaler. No one can protect him from all the possible times alcohol will be served. He has to protect himself. AA teaches him how to do that and gives him to means to make the right choice of not drinking.

In the same way, I would not allow a family member who's lactose intolerant or vegan or who needs a gluten-free diet to hold the entire family captive at Thanksgiving. (I'll never forget my sil's announcement that she was on a water diet, so plan my family dinners accordingly. Now that I think of it, each guest having only a glass of ice water for dinner would have been very simple. Dishwashing would have been a breeze!)

Like I said above, I would warn that person -- the alcoholic or the food sensitive guest -- what is ahead at the dinner, what choices there will be, so he will have a heads' up in case he needs to bring special food or ask me to have available a fruit drink.