Hi all.
My first time asking anything like this.
I have searched through loads of online advice and similar topics trying to find answers or some kind of re-assurance. Clearly some of the advice is helpful, but obviously not specific to my own issue.
Have been seeing this girl for around 6 - 7 months now. I am 29 and she is 31. I kind of knew her around 10 years ago from living in the same town, but recently our paths crossed again and we found out we lived 2 minutes around the corner from each other. We started dating and were enjoying each others company quite regularly. We had some kind of connection straight away and it was quite different to anyone I'd been involved with before.
She had been in previous relationships where she had been treated badly on several occasions, the last of which lasted 7 years, but has been single for 2 years. I was in a relationship previously for 7 years and have a daughter from it.
She has told me that she has connected with me like no-one ever before, she feels safe with me and we honestly have had some of the best times together. She told me she loved me, which was quite a big thing for her to say, as she finds it hard to express her emotions, she used words like soul mates to describe us.
We have had quite a healthy balance of time together and time apart, as I have my daughter every other weekend, we have our own circles of friends and quite busy social lives. She has also spent quite a lot of time together with me and my daughter and they really get on well. I love spending time together but I have always said to her that I think it's important that she has her own time and doesn't feel obliged to spend time with me.
A few issues started: Often I think maybe she did things to test me, maybe test my reactions to certain situations. As we didn't really know each other before dating. She would quite often mention other guys she dated whilst she was single or guys at work, etc. Maybe to test if I was the jealous or possesive type. I would usually just make a comment like " well you're a very pretty girl, i'm not suprised he likes/d you" or something to that effect.
It kind of stopped after a while, maybe she got bored, I don't know.
There has been more than one occasion where she has told me that she is not sure what she feels and then suggests stopping contact. We would maybe do this for a few days then one of us would initiate contact again. Sometimes me, sometimes her the very next day.
Things would be great again for a while, then she would go all cold and distant. So I'd basically just ease off too.
She would say things like I'm scared about what I feel for you. Or other times she would say: I don't know what I want and it's not fair on you to carry on. Mixed messages the whole time.
We've spoken a lot about things and she said I understand her more than anyone has and that I've made her realise things about herself she's been hiding or ignoring. Things such as trust issues she has. I have never been unfaithful to anybody in my life and I think she knows I won't hurt her but I think there is damage already done from the past relationships.
It's been so on and off I just don't know what to think anymore.
I've never felt this strongly about someone before and I'm so confused about what to do. It was only last week she was talking about going away together for a weekend and also spending christmas day together, as our families are living away. I'm sure I love her and I want to be with her, but if she has these doubts all the time then am I just setting myself up for a big fall again and again?
I definitely haven't been overly clingy or needy. I respect my own space as much as I respect her need for hers.
Anyway it's been left that she needs time to sort out her issues on her own and she said that it's not fair that I wait around while she does it. I told her I respect her need for time and that I won't wait around, I'm just going to concentrate on my business, etc and told her I never have or never would do anything to hurt her. She replied and said nothing is my fault.
I recently lost my driving license and maybe she's not too impressed with that, maybe she doesn't think I'm the one, maybe she wants someone who will take control of her and say, look this is enough, stop acting this way and lets have a relationship. Who knows
We haven't spoken/texted at all since last Tuesday, nearly a week.
Half of me thinks, she's found someone else and it's all just a way to let me down easily. The other half of me thinks maybe it's another test to see how much I actually care. I've resisted the urge to contact her in anyway. But I don't want her to think I don't care.
I have some of her clothes at my place, and was considering sending her a message saying I could return them back to her when she is out. Leaving them in her porch, and see what she says?
Everything I do, the TV programmes I watch, the music I listen to, all reminds me of her, and it's nearly driving me insane.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Regards,
J.

Sounds like she has a lot of insecurities. Furthermore, much of her insecurities appear to have started before you even met. She doesn't seem ready to be in a relationship until she sorts out her personal problems.

It's good that she takes a time out to sort out her problems instead of dragging you around.

The best thing you can do is to let her know how you feel and leave the ball on her side of the court. Let her figure out what she wants and rebuild some self-esteem before continuing a relationship with you.

But when I say that the ball is on her side of the court, it means that you should respect her space. If she really wanted to come back to you, she will find a way to contact you. Forcing her to communicate with you prematuraly will only push her away because it will show that you don't respect her.

As for you, who knows how long you should wait, but you don't need to put a timeline on it. You heart will either tell you to wait or to move on, but only time will tell.

Let her worry about her own clothes.

Until then, focus on doing your own thing. Don't just sit by the phone waiting for her to call you. Focus on healing from your pains. Once you've healed, she might come back to you, but if she doesn't, at least you will be in a better position to move on with your life.

Thanks for the reply.
I guess it's just difficult when you have something good, and it just disappears. It's hard to understand. I totally respect her space, and have not attempted any contact.
Your mind begins to play tricks on you and you start picking through the past or whatever. You start to second guess people's intentions or motivations.

It definitely DOES [EDIT] suck. We can't control how the other person feels. Furthermore, feelings can change, and as a result, circumstance can change. It's all about acceptance.

Overanalyzing the past is inevitable, so try to distract yourself as much as you can. Don't prevent yourself from going out and having fun with friends. As long as your mind is occupied, it decreased the amount of time that you will dwell on the past.

I've been going out with friends, had a really nice weekend with my daughter.
But that feeling is always in the back of my mind. I almost wish there was just a definite reason. If she said there was someone else, or she just plain and simply doesn't feel for me any more, then I could more easily mentally detach myself from the situation.
The vagueness of someone telling you something isn't right but they don't know what it is, and that they're confused but they don't know why, makes my brain hurt. It's something I don't know how to deal with in my own mind. It's not something I've ever felt before.

Seeking closure to something that is left open can be a wild goose chase. Though she might be able to give you a definite reason, it might not actually shut the door completely.

The way to completely shut the door is from within. Only you can close the door. She can give you a hand (by giving you definite reasons), but it's ultimately up to you to close the book on her completely.

That's why I say focus on yourself. Focus on healing from your own pains while she struggles with solving her own issues.

Maybe once you've completely healed and she's sorted out her problems you can start a healthy relationship, maybe not. Who knows? But as long as you continue to make yourself a better person, you will be better prepared for what may lie ahead.

I agree with you 100%.
I can't rely on anyone or anything for happiness, apart from myself.
Closing that door on her completely is something that is hard to do. I probably have to for my own sake. No more false hope. If there's nothing else I can do, I'll have to close the door... I'll leave a key out somewhere maybe.