Yes. Forgiveness is for you, not for her.

What had happened that she didn't attend?

Nothing; she had to wait 5 minutes for me the week before at a film screening so that I could thank my dad & uncle for coming & she didn't like waiting & not being the center of attention. She says "those five minutes felt like an ETERNITY" :/

She ran off and we were supposed to go to dinner that night, but she didn't tell anyone where she was going and we didn't know where she went or what happened to her.

Please respond in the Answer field, not in the Comment field.

Do you often have problems with her spacing out or being difficult?

Unfortunately all the time.

Unfortunately all the time.
Then what's not to love?? ;) You should be used to this by now.

She does this to everyone?

Because she does crazy things like this and then expects me to apologize to her because in her mind I caused her to leave the screening and not go to my graduation... she takes everything personally and blows situations out of proportion.. I've spent my whole life apologizing for things I'm not sorry for simply because I lived with her and had to get along, however, I'm an adult now, live alone and support myself but would still obviously like to get along with my mom at least on some level, simply because she is my mom. She doesn't have the opportunity to do this to more people because she pushed so many people away already. I don't think she has many close friends or people she can even talk to anymore, and I feel bad for her..

Stop apologizing for things that she did.

Just say "Oooops!" or something. Talk over or past whatever it was. You're smart. Think of a way over this speedbump.

Thanks, I wish it were that simple, but "oops" isn't enough for her.

thanks, i wish it were that simple, but "oops" isn't enough for her.
Then what does she do? Disown you? Stop speaking to you? Maybe "oooops" should be enough for you. Set boundaries, and don't let her cross them.

She stops speaking to me and refuses to see me even though we live 30 miles away.

How long does that last? Until you give in? What if you didn't give in?

Can you have a little chat with her and tell her your boundaries?

Until she gets lonely. And I feel sorry for her.. I have tried to explain these things but she's very good at manipulating the conversation, think annette bening typecasted as the narcissistic mother..

So what can/will you do? You have to set boundaries and name consequences (like she's a little kid), or she will continue to run rough-shod over you.

I just wish I wasn't raised by a crazy person; I feel I've grown up with an alternate reality and I'm scared that I'll become her.. she says things like she didn't want kids because she was afraid she'd become her mother. I said, "why did you then?" she says "because your dad talked me into it."

You seem pretty sane to me. Trust in yourself, and check in here now and then so we can look you over. ;)

I just baked a batch of blueberry muffins. One (or two) of them is calling my name. I'll be back in a half hour or so to check on your sanity and make sure your eyes aren't wild and crazy-looking.

Thanks! You are so sweet, where are you from and are you a professional?

Aaaaaw, thank you. If you look at my profile, you'll see I'm a retired career librarian, a professional counselor, a professional parent (LOL), and a professional writer. I'm also probably a professional cat owner and a professional baker (more LOLs). The muffins were very good, by the way. I did eat two -- couldn't resist.

Be sure to give us updates -- and tell all your friends about AMHD!

Will do, your kids are very lucky :)

will do, your kids are very lucky :)
My older one turns 40 on Monday, so I will be sure to remind him how lucky he is. :D

Stop letting your mother put a guilt trip on you all the time. Say no and mean it. If she choses to stop talking to you, then that's fine with you. She never grew up. Face it. You did. Treat her like you would any willfull child. You got the college degree. Did she get one? Probably not from the sounds of it. Maybe she has a very bad case of jealousy and could not handle going to your graduation and chose to start "early" by setting up impossible scenerios she knew you would fail so she would have a "good" reason not to attend and make YOU feel bad. Ignore her behavior. You know better. Stop beating yourself up over what she thinks as it's not important. The whole world is not her, her, her like she thinks it is. When you have kids I am sure you won't be like her towards them.

Actually we went to the same college.. but thank you, it's reassuring to hear these things. :)

If you've already spoken to her about how this crazy behavior is driving a wedge in your relationship( I mean a sit down, no B.S. talk), then you are going to have to change how her personality affects you. SHE obviously is not going to change, you already know that. These things usually get WORSE before they get BETTER.

And I agree, you are going to have to stop apologizing for things that you know you didn't do just to keep the peace. You said it, you're an adult now. Stop being made to feel like a child again. I would say something like: " If it makes you feel better to apologize for something I didn't do, then O.K., I'm so very sorry...(dripping with sarcasm), how can you forgive me?" Make a joke out of it so she can realize how ridiculous it is.

Ask her how this selfish behavior is going to effect your children, HER grandchildren? Sacrifices have to be made by all to have a normal, healthy, relationship.

Sure, you should forgive her, being mad at someone wastes energy and time.

Dr Kevin Leman has some great family relationship books. He's great.

I have to ask, are you in counseling? Maybe that's another avenue for you to explore.

Do this. Stand anywhere, and pretend that there's a Hula-Hoop on the ground, around your feet. YOU are responsible for everything INSIDE that circle. Everything OUTSIDE of the circle, YOU cannot control. Stop letting everything outside of the circle control your sanity.

And remember, you are the "normal" one.

I wish you luck.

No, I am not in counseling with her.. we live 30 miles away and I don't feel like traveling upstate and dedicating an entire day to be "counseled" when as you say I am the normal one. Of course she would love this option as the counsellor or therapist is just another person to listen to her, aside from the fact that she doesn't work.

I forgive her because, as you say, it's a losing battle. And she doesn't think she's being selfish, in fact, she thinks I'M being selfish because I "don't take her feelings seriously." As I said, she's both overly sensitive and extremely manipulative, a volatile combination. Having to wait five minutes for somebody should never cause a person to become enraged, heartbroken, vengeful or disappear. Yes she has either exhibited all of these behaviors, while completely blowing the situation out of proportion. But in her eyes this is only one "opinion" and I should be aware of the fact that she is "sensitive."

Lastly, thank you for your interest in my story, it is most appreciated. I'll try to follow your advice :)