A little background, my husband was raised in a moral and Christian home and he has always been the type of person to out others first. Before I met him, he was with his fiancé for over six years and he ended up going to a bar with his brother and friend, then making out with a woman. He even admitted they were planning to go back to her place, but a friend needed her instead. Though his fiancé at the time never found out, he still felt guilty because he would have slept with her if he could have. At that time, I explained I'm not the type of woman who would put up that.

Well, we dated some more, got engaged, got married and everything has been great. We have been married now for six months. Well, two months ago, he went on vacation with his brother and friend out of state golfing and to the bars. While they were at the bar drinking, there was this 22 year old whore that said she it was her 22 birthday and she was looking to find her 22 sexual partner. My husband, his brother, and their friend went to a friend's house after the bar closed and she came along. Coincidentally, my husband has his nipples pierced and so did she. He made it a point to let her know, he showed her too. She ended up taking off her shirt and bra and took my husband's nipple ring out and put it in hers. He "sanitized" it with his beer (like that did a lot of good) and outfit back in his. His friend ended up sleeping with her that night and causing a fight with another guy who wanted to sleep with her.

My husband came home and told me the situation and I was shocked. I was so surprised my husband would do such a thing behind my back when he knows I've been hurt before. I was so devastated that my husband would do something like this even though he swears up and down he never touched her or cheated in any way. For the first month, he would apologize, but then he would say, "Well, she is the one that did it, I didn't do anything! At least I was honest and told you when my brother and friend told me not to tell you!" For the longest time he would not admit he did anything wrong, never owned up to his mistake on not stopping her or even mentioning he was married, and just kept telling me its not his fault. So I have been randomly flipping out, telling him that until I can trust him again, he is not seeing his brother and his friend. Well about a month ago, he finally held me, told me he was wrong and he made a mistake, apologized, and promised me anything of that nature would ever happen again. I felt so much better until right after when he said he was going to the Bruins game with them next week and then I realized it was all just so he could go again. Then I flipped it, said no, and he went back into saying he did nothing wrong. Since then, his friends keep telling him he is ***** whipped, never should have told me, and now he should just go whether I like it or not. He decided he won't go, but keeps trying to make me feel guilty by saying I'm controlling.

I hate feeling how I do, I feel hurt, used, cheated on (even though I wasn't), angry, upset, misunderstood, etc. At times I feel like I'm overreacting, but if he still thinks he didn't do anything wrong and doesn't feel guilty, how do I know he won't do something like this again? I don't want to control him, I want to trust him again like before, but I can't do that until I know I can fully trust him again. I can't tell him he can't see his brother and friend, one is family and one is just like family. It's just that they are supportive and encourage him to lie to me and do things behind my back. How can I trust him again when my husband is with them. I can't go with him because his work gives him a crazy time off around holidays and more paid time off than me, so I will be working while he does whatever he wants with them.

So, after all this, my questions remains... how can I forgive my husband? What steps can I take to trust him again? Any good books you know about? I need to, I want my marriage to last until death do us part like we both promised, unless there is cheating. Even though he broke my trust, I still trust him to know he won't cheat, but I don't want him doing something like this again. What can I do?

We have talked about everything that happened, how I feel, how he feels, he promised me that he knows the boundaries and nothing like that will ever happen again. We have no kids, so we have all our time to ourselves. I have talked to a few people, men, women, Christians, some people that know us and some that don't, etc. Thus far, everyone told me they'd feel the same way, he made a mistake, and now he needs to pay for the consequences, but I don't want it to be like this forever! Both him and I are willing to work through this, but how?

You definitely over reacted here. Nothing happened sex wise with the whore.

As far as reading books you don't have to read a book to continue living your life as you did before. There is nothing you need to forgive him for except being a jerk one night of his life. He didn't do anything overtly wrong that I can see. His friend who subsequently slept with that girl has something to worry about as in possible disease.

Just leave this episode alone and stop bringing it up and confronting him about it. He knows he did wrong and you keep reminding him about it is not helping him forget it and move on. You need to remember that things happen but at least he could see the error of his ways and has told you he won't indulge in this type of activity again. Believe him! You have got to trust him sooner or later why not make it sooner and put this entire episode behind both of you and continue to live your life loving each other.

I presume his brother and his friend are single? Seems like your husband likes the freedom of being a single man too. Or maybe he likes to be married and single at the same time.

Cal me crazy, but I don't see where it is very married behaviour, to take off your shirt, while a strange woman (who followed three men to a hotel room), takes off her shirt and bra, and then the married man, and the single woman trade nipple rings. My guess is, if he would go that far in the first place, you still don't have the whole story. He could be just telling you enough to make himself look innocent, and tell you enough so that when you did find out, his behaviour wouldn't seem so bad.

When he put himself in that postiion to begin with, he could have, at any time, stopped drinking, left the bar, got his own hotel room when he realized what was going to happen. He could have made better choices, that one would hope their husband would, under the circumstances. You may never know what happened that night. There could have been a friend along that the 'whore' went to the bar with that joined the party. Maybe it was him that invited her, or by his lack of saying 'no', he was in on it, right from the get go. Who knows. I'm throwing out these possibilities because there are a million possibilities to what may or may not have happened.

The only thing you are sure of, is that something happened that shouldn't have happened, and you are not sure you have all the facts even now. That he hid the little 'lapse in Christian and moral' judgment, makes him no less accountable for not only what he did, but that he lied and hid the truth until it was no longer possible to do so. Personally, I think he's telling you a story that has only some truth in it, in order to appease you.

That being said, you cannot tell him who his friends are, when he is allowed to go out with them, or in any way, control his behaviour, in order to control his behaviour, because you don't trust him. If he is capable of what he's already done, he is also capable of finding a way to do it without you knowing. You either trust him, or you don't.

Maybe it was a one time deal, and he just went along with it and nothing happened as he said. If his brother and friend are single, their behaviour should not be an excuse, for his own.

And it is unfair of you to label another woman, 'a whore', because she did nothing wrong. You may judge her as being the 'cause' or one of the causes of all of this, but it has nothing to do with her. She made a choice to follow three men to a hotel room, all three of whom were quite accommodating in allowing her to do so. Your husband could have made other choices. Why he didn't is the question.

It is a blow to trust someone, and then have that trust cracked. We aren't talking about him taking money out of the bank to put a new set of tires on the car that blew the budget here. We are talking about a married man who traded nipple rings with a complete stranger, after engaging her, along with his brother and friend, in a bar, over (probably) a lot of alcohol, and participated in an after hours party at a shared hotel room.

Muzzling him, and making demands on him, and punishing him, in my opinion, is not the way to go. That you are bothered now more about the trust issue, because of what he chose to do, is the issue. You and him, and a belief that both of you wish the same goal.

Trust, has to be rebuilt, between the two of you, and you will have to, one way or the other, learn to forgive him for the mistake he made. Anything else such as not allowing him his freedom, will only backfire in my opinion. Why not go and see a marriage counsellor, and nip this in the bud. You are not wrong for wanting to resolve this, but you may need some open dialogue with him, and a professional, to deal it all, in order to get past it.

What he did was one thing, and presuming he is willing to address the residual effects of it, is another. Give him a chance in a healthier way, through counselling, where you can both listen, and talk, about the trust issue, and how it has become a poison in your relationship. It remains to be seen if you are, in fact, over-reacting, but regardless of that, you are not 'wrong' to feel the way you do.

I have a feeling your never going to know the entire story. I agree as a married man, your husband should have went to his hotel and not followed his friends. Hey, this woman doesn't know you, nor has she made any vows with you, but your husband has. That always as me stumped why we blame the other person, when the only person to blame is the one we are in a relationship with and in this case a marriage.

There are married men who can be around single men, and you would never ever have to worry about them forgetting their ethics even while drinking. However, when it comes to your husband and him being around his singles friends, he does seem to forget that he is married to at least by his story some extent.


I can see how its going to be very difficult to trust him with these particular friends. But trying to play his mother instead of wife is going to do some marital damage. No one wants to feel that their partner has become their boss instead of their role as wife/husband.

I really think it would only benefit you both to get some marriage counseling. I don't think he has any idea why your feeling the way you are. You need to learn how to trust. A counselor would be able to listen to both sides and guide you both back to familiar grounds!! Check with employers see if they have something through your jobs for counseling.

So glad to hear I was not helpful. He's your husband, live with him or tell him to leave. You have to start trusing him again sometime or keep him on a short leash.

Or spend a lot of money on a marriage counseler to find out he's not listening to them or you.

I think it was indeed wrong of him to put himself into this situation.
Unfortunately men are weak, espcially if they drink alcohol and then on top are so far away from home (boys vacation).

I understand that he abused your trust, you let him go on vacation with his boys and he put himself into a situation.
I totally understand that you are hurt.

On the other side you have to see that he told you about it,which prooves that he KNOWS he messed up and has such a bad conscience about it that he had to tell you. He expected for you to be mad and was willing to take it, but still told you because he knows he got to be honest to his wife.

I think you should try to see the good in this situation and really try to forgive him. It will take a while to trust again, abut as I said at least he told u, meaning he didn't lie to you.

I just went through a similar thing with my fiancé haing sex chats with other females. He never told me, but I found out so for me to beliee that he regrets it and wouldn't do it again is hard. I find myself wondering if he only regrets it because I found out, and not because he knows it was wrong...

I'm wishing you good luck... and please appreciate that he told you... idont think that more happened that night with that "whore" because he would have been too scared that you find out the rest if he gave you little pieces of the story.