Moved to its own thread, and edited.
Hi,

He does everything for me and he is very compromising when it comes to oher things in our elationship, but when it comes to that , he just doesn't want to hear what Im saying. He goes out like every 3 weeks and I just don't think that a club is the place to be for a man that has a girlfriend-not that often! He then alwys feels offended because he says I'm not his mom , I shouldn't tell him what to do or not to do. He also says "why can't I just have fun with my friends" and I am replying that its not that I don't want him to enjoy his time with his friends. I never say anything if he wants to bbq with them or hangs out, watching movies, going to a bar whatever, but it's the clubbing. But he just doesn't want to understand my point.

Me, myself, I go out maybe every 2-3 months because I feel like this is no place for me to be at. I also told him that he needs to put himself in my shoes, if I went out that much with single girlfriends to a hook-up place... but he says his mind is on me and that he loves me, I shouldn't worry.

But I do, because in there you put yourself in situations that you shouldn't be in when you have a girlfriend.

Can you guys give me advise? Its like I can't get through to him with this and I just don't understand. I also asked him directly, if he really wants to be in a relationship, he says yes.

I don't think every 3 weeks to be with the clubbing fellas is a lot at all, and I think you should relax, and let him enjoy it, without a big deal because, its not fair to impose your rules on him, when he only clubs once a month. Many young guys do a lot more than that, and as you say he takes care of his home, and you, very well. If this is the only glitch, then why even make it a big one?

Don't make this a big deal, its not worth it.

Moved to its own thread

Hello to everyone,

Im trying to keep my story short. Ive been with my boyfriend for about 2 years and we had wonderful moments (majority), but also some downs. IInbetween our relationship omrpoved a lot and he's been paying me a lot of attention and trust. We are planning a joint future together and that is mostly coming from his side. Ive always been careful with making statements about a joint future, since I am more old-fashioned and think this is a mans thing.

Well, 2 months ago I found out that he had onine flirts with several women that I never knew of, they been talking about sex, but no feelings. He had a secret messenger ID and I found out by incident. He admitted everything and fought to get me back, he did everything I asked him to and went beyong everything so I would trust him again snf to get back with me, and make things work. Since then he´s been spending even more time with me, also calling me at night more frequently hwne he's out with the boys, so I would now where he was and that he's on his way home.

my problem is that I have been very jealous , that's my personality, not just with him, also my boyfriends before. I am so insecure because of all the experiences I have had with so many men (and unfortunately him) that I think things are happening behind my back. Even before that happened, I was very jealous. Ive bee trying to give him his freedom, barely said something when he wanted to hang out with his buddies, but of course even in the moments when I stayed strong, he could tell by my voice, or attitude or facial expression. When he's out I can't sleep, sometimes I get so angry from all the bad thoughts I'm having that I cry out of anger.

I know he loves me,but I still can't trust. He knows that and he feels caged and controlled and monitored. We are both aware that it will need time for me to fully trust again, but this issue comes up over and over again. He said he is so frustrated because it feels to him like no matter what he does, it will never be enough. We have a lot of arguments about this and I just can't control my jealousy, it is tiring for me and him.

He really does his part, but I am wondering what I can do better ? It seems hopeless, its taking lots of energy from me and him, but I want to work on it and don't give up because I love this man and fulfill our future plans.

I already started doing sports on a regular basis because it feels like I can get rid of bad energy and push my self-esteem. But its not enough.

I can't even go out to dancing with him because I am cocntsntly watching his actions and I get furiosu inside when another woman is just looking at him.

Sometimes I have temper-tantrums out of the blue, because I have this frustration isnide of me and at some unexpected situation is comes out.

Where does this low sel-esteem come from?? I look pretty, our sex life is good.

I am not used to be in a relationship and so focused on one man, mostly I chose to be single and have sexual affairs because it felt emotianlly easier to handle. Ialso notice that when I don't give him very good or enough sex that he might love me less. He never gives me that feeling, I know that I am the problem.

PLEASE HELP.

What should I do?
My man is sexually very open, usually me too... I always wanted to try a threesome and in my past affais Ive been very open to new things.

Now that I feel deep love for someone it seems like I get very tense about this topic. When he says that his fantasy is to watch me being pleased by another man, then I feel terrible. How can he not be jealous?? How can he allow me to sleep with another man?? He always anwers he wouldn't be jealous because he knows about it, its not like I would do something behind his back. He said it would turn him on and he wants me to be pleased.

I admit that I would want to be pleased by my man and another attractive man, be the queen and have this exciting experience. BUT the thought that he wouldn't care that I slept with someone else makes m furious. On top of that I know it would be just right that me and another woman would give that pleasure back to him, and back in the days, before I met him, I always wanted to do that, but now that I love I feel caged to do this. I would get furious if I saw another woman pleasing him... what would really hurt me to see how he enjoys another female , it would feel like I'm giving him allowance to cheat... does he really love me?? He says he does, that's hy he wants to see me being fully pleased.

I understand that men can separate love and sex, and I was able to do that in the past with my bootycalls, but with my man I just cant...
PLEASE HELP. I love my man, and I do want to have exciting sexual experiences , but I just can't control these above described feelings...
Maybe the men can help me to understand a man´s mind when it comes to this idea !

Remember the key word here is Fantasy... there is a HUGE difference between talking about what his fantasy is and actually asking you to do it.

There are many things we may fantasize about but would never consider doing in real life.

Based on what you have actually said all he did was mention a fantasy he had. He didn't actually ask you to do it.

You appear to have made the leap that one equals the other. That is not the case unless he specifically asks you to do it in no uncertain terms.


It can very well be his fantasy is something voyeristic such as this... but if it ever became reality insane jealousy would override any pleasure he might have gotten. Fact is we all have our fantasies and most of them are best kept as fantasies.

That's not to say you can't talk about them and have fun with them as a couple... without a third party ever being there.

My wife has her fantsies... some of them being things we would never do... and I know that so it doesn't bother me at all. And the same way with mine...

We are open enough we can share each others deepest fantsies and not get upset because all they are... really are just fantasies.


I'm sure if you really sit down and think you will find you have your own as well, even if you would not want to share them with ANYONE else. You have to... we all do, men and women.


Now asking someone else to participate in a threesome is totally different... all you would have to say is no... and yes... some people that actually do participate in a threesome discover they have jealous thoughts afterwards... and it can detroy what relationship they had... its really not for just anyone.

But as a fantasy... there is no harm done... Nobody has ever gotten pregnant by having a fantasy... contracted an STD during a fantasy, or anything that alters their real life in a fantasy.

Fantasy isn't reality.

Yes, I understand what you ae saying, but it's a fantasy of his that he wants to become reality.
He told me this.

OK,. THAT is something you did not say before... Fantasy and reality are worlds apart, and for good reason.

Simply tell him no and give him your reasons. If he cares about you that will be all it takes and he should never bring it up again.

As a husband and wife you should be able to talk about anything together... but talking doesn't mean you have any obligation to do something you don't want to do or do everything you are asked to do even IF you wanted to. Don't hold his feet to the fire for asking it.. (he may be afraid to say or ask many things in the future)... but if he hounds you on it after you said no then by all means do so.

With that new bit of information... let me expand a bit in what a guy thinks, on average. I am just one guy of course and not everyone will think exactly as I do.

Sex to a man... can simply be sex. Guys don't inextricably link sex with love like most women do. To a man it can be part of love or be totally separate just as easily.

That is how he can say this... I'll bet most likely that would change if it was to ever become reality.

Some fantasies are best left fantasies. And its clear, you have ZERO desire to see it become reality. And I would stick with that.

Well, I told him openly my thoughts , exacly the same thing I explained above.
He said its his fatasy but if I don't want to do it, we don't have to bing it up again. So he is understanding.

But what is so confusing to me is that I DO want to try it, I have fantasies about it and it would give spice to our sex life... maybe I would shut down those unnecessary jealousy feelings after some time. I think when there is a great basis of trust, this is possible.

We've only been together 1,5 years and I think if we are married for a while, and trust grows etc. then this might be something cool to try out.

He also says he doesn't want me to do it so I would give it back to him with a woman. That's not his intension. Im sure hewouldnt mind, but its not the reason.

Don't do it.

Either way--men, women, whatever.

You are not mentally and emotionally able to deal with the fallout from it.

I'm with Synnen here... your heart and sole isn't 200% behind it... so don't even consider it.

Its OK to have that fantasy... but you would find out reality RARELY equals what your fantasy was.

Besides, what would life be without a few unfulfilled fantasies.

Hey,

I (27 years old) am going through some trobled times with my boyfriend.

We've been together for almost 2 years and had wonderful moments, but lately we have a lot for trouble. A lot has to do with jealousy from my side... I found out that he flirted online with other women and talked about intimate things. One of them even said they had sex, but he denies. He was terrified when I found out and did everything possible that I would stay with him. I could really tell that he felt sorry. I really tried to forgive him but this anger and trust issue inside of me comes up over and over again.

When this happens, lots of times he is very understanding and tries to show me his love, because he is aware that he did very wrong, but other times he gets really frustrated. Then I feel pushed and rushed to trust again, he says he feels like no matter what he does, it will never be enough. All I want is time and understanding that it will take a while to re-build the trust. I am very hurt and it changed my very positive image of him.

I love him, but it's a terrible feeling to know that he lied to me and I still don't know if its true that he had sex or not. Should I believe him more than a strange female? Yes. But he lied to me before, so how can I believe him now? Would he have stopped if I hadn´t found out? SO many questions running through my head. When I ask him, he answers them, but can I believe him what he says?

I love him, I really do, we had plans to have a family together and so on, but now it feels like this thing killed a part of my love.

Last week I split up in the heat of the moment and since then we are taking some time off to figure out if I still want this relationship. My thoughts go back and forth and I just don't know what to do; if I split up it will be definite and there is no way back. We both don't want no going back and forth. The thought of breaking up for good, not having him in my life anymore terrifies me, the next moment I feel relief though. I am very confused and it seems like I can't make a decision- in any direction.

I just wished this would have never happened.

I love him, but I wouldn't say that he´s my soulmate. Should you get married to someone that is not your soulmate or have this special connection? I am so confused, I love him, we have so many things in commong, but somehow things got messed up and it feels like there is an invisible foe between us since then, making it hard for us to be lovely with each other.

Can you guys give me advise`Has someone been in a similar situation? What were your experiences. I appreciate especially the advice from older or married people since they have more life experience.

I am a fighter and I believe that we could make it happen, but I need more understanding from him. And also I don't know if I WANT to forgive this. I deserve better, Am I too harsh? Everything else is good though, he is very reliable and takes care of me, he shows me in many ways that he loves me. Should I judge a person by one thing that he did wrong?

I am 27 years old and I have never been with a woman. Lately I feel the curiosity to be with a woman more and more. Its not always there but it comes like every 2 or 3 months. My boyfriend says if I want to try it its cool with him. My problem is that I don't meet women that are lesbians. I am too shy to confront a woman with this, I am afraid of rejection. Also my friends and sisters shouldn know because they would judge me. I don't want them to think that I look at them in a sexual way, because I really don't.

I've been looking online for bisexual or lesbian women but all the sites were sites where you had to pay, and I don't want to do this.

Has someone advise how I can get in touch with a female?

has someone advise how i can get in touch with a female?Hello I:

A lesbian bar comes to mind... Every city has one.

excon

I was just reading your previous posts/threads.

You need to decide where your relationship stands before you play games with anyone else whether it be a one night stand at a Gay Bar or a threesome with another man and your (ex)boyfriend.

I'm too lazy to do the background reading tonight, so I'm just going to answer the Op'ed question by agreeing with exy.

I'm a straight guy whose been to one of the local gay bars with straight and gay women... guess what happens? Drinking, dancing, and socializing. If you want to meet a woman who is perhaps interested, it isn't the worst idea. Last time I went, the straight girl I was with was chased a little by one cute girl.

So... then it comes down to do you have anyone to go with or are you willing to go alone, maybe more than once, and are you willing to try to meet some people?

No guarantee you will get what you want, but it's a reasonable suggestion.

If you really, really are a little unnerved by this, go on a holiday. Like halloween or new years, or go during a show night. My ex (straight) just last week went to see her dance instructor perform in between drag queen contests and had a blast.

She went with a gay male friend and a straight woman.

So I lied.

After posting without reading the other threads, I felt guilty and read the other threads.

It is like a shotgun spray pattern. All over the place. I don't know what to help you with. The desire to be with a woman or the desire for your guy to not go out with friends or... or... or...

You seem really confused about what you want. And that's OK. But it is hard to help you when so many questions seem to be in conflict at times.

so i lied.Hello kp:

I don't know WHY she wants to do a chick... I just know where to find one. I'll leave the deeper thinking to others.

excon

"Should I believe him more than a strange female?" --

Say, just for giggles, that he is the one telling the truth and they didn't actually have sex. So all they did was talk, flirt, send sexy messages and imply they'd like to sleep together. In this case, I guess the only thing they are guilty of is, together, completely and totally disrespecting you, making a fool of you, and a mockery of your relationship. He might as well have opened your door, pointed you out, allowed the other woman to spit on you, and then told you he was sorry before walking away with her.

Question... What was his response to this woman? If he really didn't sleep with her, I assume that he hit the roof and reprimanded her for speaking to you in such a disrespectful manner. It's pretty important to me that my man (husband now) doesn't subject me to other women who claim he belongs to them.

Truthfully, though, they did sleep together. What does she have to gain by lying to you? Let me guess, his answer is that she's crazy. The longer you stay with him, the more you'll realize the entire world is crazy, he's a magnet for crazy girls, and you'll probably meet some who are under the impression that YOU are crazy.

Wait too long trying to decide and you'll have children in the mix, and inlaws who think you must be neglecting him for him to be cheating, although it's something he's done all his life. Then, when the kids see that he wants the family together, and evil mommy won't let daddy back in, you'll realize that it's kind of unethical to tell them dad's a cheater. You'll either do so anyway, and be a ghetto mom, or you won't, and you'll take all the blame for the divorce, or your life of unhappiness.

I'm very sorry for the bad news, but if you look closely there is more than just one red flag here. Trying to believe in him anyway is only going to take you down a long road of pain, and you'll resent all the fun he has along the way, and you'll resent yourself for enabling it. My opinion, because I've been there.

Readers Note

No choice but to put these together for ALL the facts, and sorry for the confusion folks, and OP, but no way can good advice, opinions, or insights be possible without all the FACTS!



Quote by Cat,
I was just reading your previous posts/threads.

You need to decide where your relationship stands before you play games with anyone else whether it be a one night stand at a Gay Bar or a threesome with another man and your (ex)boyfriend.

Just to add, or experiment with a female!